Still struggling with obsessing about ow

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#1 Jul 24 - 4AM
indenial
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Still struggling with obsessing about ow

Im really trying to put the focus back on myself and my own healing. I'm waiting for therapy through my doctor and hoping this will help. I'm still reading here and anything else that I can get my hands on. Not because I don't understand because I do truly deep down but it helps with the CD and helps prevent me from slipping back into denial.

What I'm still struggling with though is ruminating so much about his ex wife and the fact that if she would have him back then maybe I was wrong about him and he treated her differently ! They were married for 12 years. He left her 3 years ago and was with me. She appeared to be moving on and was having nc or as lc as she could beating in mind they have children together. I saw the text she sent him when his son had an incident at school where he tried to cut his wrists. It was cold matter of fact and basically saying I'm telling you do you are aware and the main focus of the text was her saying do not make a fuss or tell him off. In bold capitals. She clearly didn't want his help or his input and he didn't even bother to respond until 3 hours later !! I was mortified at how they couldn't even communicate on something so serious because if that were my child I know his father would be straight round dealing with it with me. At the time I just thought she clearly has to keep the narc at bay for her and her children's sake.

Anyway I stumbled accross something since he d&d'd me that shows that true to narc form he's trying to wheedle his way back in and I think they may have gone away together or even be back together. I don't know for sure and I don't know anymore than that because since finding that out I've done my best to close all avenues where I may find out more. I don't want to know because that's not nc. I've told everyone who may filter back information I don't want to know. I've changed any driving routes I use so that I completely avoid seeing anything else or him or her. I haven't looked at Facebook either . I'm doing what I have to do to protect me because too fragile to take anything that is only going to cause me to doubt myself again.

The difficulty is though
Is that this thought process is keeping me stuck. Has he fooled her again ? Did she not ever recover then ? Is she stupid shallow or just like the rest of us and totally brainwashed and never found the answers we have ? Or am I wrong and they are now going to have the happy life we should have had ?

He was jealous and insecure and controlling with me I couldn't possibly have had a fulfilled life with him but he blamed me. Said he couldn't trust me and this person was a bad influence or that person was a bad influence. She's been not with him for 3 years ( well not completely because he has obviously triangulated ) but she s been out enough to have got a life again. Is he going to let her keep that life or just get her back in his web and gradually isolate her and take control ? He lived a double life behind her back. She was at home with the kids and had no idea where he was and he was never at home apart from to eat and sleep !! Now I just think it will all be so perfect for them and I just feel like I was an affair !!!

These thoughts and questions are not productive to my recovery and I keep telling myself that they are not my problem but I can't get it out of my head and it's making me feel like I am wrong about all this again !!!!

The worst thing is is that as much as I'm in nc and trying to avoid any knowledge of his life I know that I won't be able to avoid it forever !!! It's making me feel riddled with doubt and anxiety. And it's hurting !!

Aug 11 - 10PM
pathtopeace
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Deidre99 "Often times,

Jul 30 - 6PM
Mirrorme
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In denial if his ex is

Jul 30 - 5PM
Calalily
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Indenial AND DEE

Jul 30 - 6PM (Reply to #57)
Deidre99
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Often times, narcissists

Jul 30 - 6PM (Reply to #58)
Calalily
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Described it perfectly

Jul 30 - 7PM (Reply to #59)
Deidre99
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He doesn't respect marriage

Jul 30 - 10AM
sweetpeasarah
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An example that might help?

Jul 30 - 11AM (Reply to #46)
Calalily
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As we all know if following

Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #53)
Deidre99
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I've read you story a bit,

Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #54)
indenial
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So well said Deirdree

Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #55)
Deidre99
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that's right...doomed. it may

Jul 30 - 3PM (Reply to #48)
sweetpeasarah
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Hun

Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #49)
Calalily
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Relief for now Sweetpeasarah

Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #52)
indenial
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Calalily

Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #50)
sweetpeasarah
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So sorry hun

Jul 30 - 5PM (Reply to #51)
Calalily
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Yes. Painful beyond words.

Jul 30 - 12PM (Reply to #47)
shock and awe.some
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See Goldies comment below.

Jul 24 - 12PM
Goldie
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It still all goes back to STEP ONE; Understanding it

Jul 25 - 3PM (Reply to #44)
indenial
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Great goldie

Jul 24 - 2PM (Reply to #43)
Janie53
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Goldie

Jul 24 - 2PM (Reply to #42)
Snowflake
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Goldie

Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #40)
LoserFree
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What you just said makes

Jul 25 - 3PM (Reply to #41)
indenial
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I can say it like I get it

Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #32)
indenial
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Thanks goldie

Jul 30 - 6PM (Reply to #36)
Done sourcing
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You are making it more

Jul 30 - 7PM (Reply to #37)
Calalily
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Think so?

Jul 30 - 7PM (Reply to #38)
Janie53
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Calalily

Aug 10 - 1AM (Reply to #39)
smnp
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Thanks

Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #35)
fallingfoward
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My ex-narc....

Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
Goldie
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Narcs recycle old supply