D&D...left with almost nothing...
D&D...left with almost nothing...
Hello all. :) Over the past few weeks this forum has been a breath of fresh air for me - reading the stories of people who have been involved with narcissists has helped me understand my situation a great deal, and it's been comforting. Thanks to everybody who takes the time to give advice and words of encouragement to people suffering through a relationship with these deranged individuals.
My situation is a little different from the stories I've read on here...as I am actually the OM (other man). In a nutshell, I'm a gay man who was looking to connect with someone on an emotional level, and I posted just that on a gay dating website 10 months ago. I was contacted by a man who said he was looking for the same thing, and we hit it off pretty well. He sent me pictures of himself, and while I wasn't overly attracted to him, I continued to talk to him because he was so charming and flattering. Eventually, we started talking on the phone, and decided to meet. The day we were supposed to met, he dropped a bombshell on me: He was married to a woman. I have never been involved with a married man, as I'm a pretty moral person and I am incapable of cheating on someone I'm involved with. After talking about how his situation was an awful one (realizing he was gay, he was 'trapped' in the relationship, and wanted someone like me to be with sexually and emotionally), I began to pity him..and felt very sorry for him. We still went through with the meet-up, and it was extremely intoxicating: we did it in secrecy, and it was very sexual and he made me feel incredible. After we parted, he immediately called me as we both traveled home, told me I was the most amazing person he'd ever met, and that he couldn't wait to see me again...I now think back and regret ever answering that phone call, as my life over the past year would probably be drastically different now.
We continued to talk after that, multiple times a day, all from his end: He would call mornings, noons, and nights, and text in between. The attention he gave me I have never experienced before, and as a result, I started to fall for him, even though I told him I didn't want a relationship as he was married and told him multiple times we needed to take a step back before things got too involved. I continued to meet him, all under the knowledge that he was flat out lying to his wife about what he was doing, which I am completely ashamed of to this day. We would engage in deep conversations, talking about how he wanted to get to know me more and more, and I would still take a step back and tell him that it takes time for me to open up to a person. He would cry every time we would depart, leave me notes in my luggage, every little thing he could do to make me feel special. Eventually he started to invite me to his house as a 'friend', which his wife believed. In my mind, I was falling in love with a gay man who was forced to marry at a young age because of a small-town rural environment, and I was helping him through it. The only hints of a narcissistic behavior I had were his obsession with money, material objects, and his appearance; all of these were HIGHLY important to him, but at the time those still came second to me.
One day, somewhat abruptly, we expressed our love for each other. I couldn't help my feelings and I fell for his charm, hard. We started to talk about eventually marrying, and adopting children (even picking out names). We still continued to talk every day, and I loved him with my whole heart. We devoted ourselves to each other and promised exclusivity; I wouldn't see any other man but him, and he would do the same. Shortly after that, he told me about a local man on facebook he befriended, and that he was going to do a photoshoot for him (he is an amateur photographer). I believed him at the time, but hated that the man was overly attractive. He told me not to worry, as he loved only me, and would never cheat (considering how he was already cheating WITH me, I look back at how stupid believing that was). He one day unknowingly left his facebook logged in on my phone, and I watched in horror as he chatted with this other man through messages about the sexual engagements they had had. I was devastated and had never experienced this type of betrayal before: I called my best friend and cried and cried to her on the phone, all the while my Narc was calling my phone over and over, clearly aware that he had been caught. I should have left then, but he raced to my town to see me (he lives an hour 15 away), and I broke down in front of him. He pleaded for me to give him another chance, and after he mentioned suicide at the thought of me leaving him, I agreed.
The month that followed was amazing; we took weekend trips, had amazing sex, and we were both in bliss. After that month past, I started to notice him distancing himself as he had when he met the first person he cheated on me with. Then began the serial cheating; multiple people, some of which I confronted and some which I didn't, all I was lied to about, and the majority he had sex with. I was broken, and my heart was ripped in two. Every time I confronted him about a new person, his responses grew angrier and angrier with little to no empathy. Eventually, I admitted that I had begun to look for someone else due to his behavior (BEGUN TO LOOK), to which he became irate and was very insulting towards me, a drastically different person from the man I met.
Since then, the relationship has been nothing but a roller coaster. My friends have begged and pleaded with me to leave him and to distance myself, as they can see how damaging it is to me (some think I'm absolutely idiotic for staying with him after the second instance of cheating). I have threatened to break up with him recently about 4 times, each of which he has turned it around and made me regret even suggesting it, but doing it in a way that made me feel like an idiot.
I've recently tried to distance myself, which enraged him at first, but then he mirrored the same thing back at me. He would give me a slight glimpse of wanting to hang out just he and I (we haven't for almost 2 months), and then it would always involve a 3rd party later, all the while him texting someone non-stop. He has stopped texting and calling every day, and when he does contact, it's usually to accuse me of being with some other guy.
I don't understand why I'm still in love with him, after all of this. I drive home after work, and bawl my eyes out, desperately missing the man I fell in love with. It's as if he never existed, or died, and I feel so lost/confused/angry/hurt/depressed. I'm completely unhappy, and my family & friends see it. I would literally give anything for him to go back to the way things were, and want to spend time with me and express how he feels...but I know from this forum and the stories posted that it's probably not likely.
Do they ever come back? I miss him so much, and the distancing is almost unbearable. I hate the thought that he's now devoting all the attention he previously gave me to another guy.
I apologize for the wall of text...but I'm just looking for help, advice, comforting words - anything to get through this. The pain is awful, and I miss him so much... :(