Married man wants to 'be friends'

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Deidre40
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JRB
Hi JRB...thank you for this. A question for you--how did he d&d you, when you guys weren't dating? These people never cease to amaze me! d&d you, and you're not even dating...the balls these people have!
JRB123
JRB123's picture
Weird
Well it was kind of weird - he kept on escalating all the flattery and I think I got sucked in as no one had flattered me for years! We spoke most nights online for about 3 months and I felt a strong connection to him. Most of our conversations were just straight forward friendship ones but then the very last one we had really went up a level where it became overly sexual and creepy. I didn't really know how to react so joked it off. Then that was it he never spoke to me again - just vanished. So there was no genuine friendship there after all from this man. I tried to speak with him verbally and sent one message to him online but he never replied.Then almost immediately he started hitting on a good friend by making comments all over her facebook page. Everytime she wrote something he commented back knowing I would see this. He totally ignored me and then moved on to trying to snare her, then many other married mums since. I have to see him regularly as his child is in the same school as my child. It happened over a year ago so I am over it now but I live right near the school and he parks his car directly outside my house and he waits and watches me as I arrive home with my kids. I avoid him as much as I can and have no intention of being friends again. It's very awkward and uncomfortable esp when other parents rave about what a great guy he is!!! I get the feeling he is trying to speak to me as it sometimes seems like he's waiting for me but I avoid him like the plague - head down and walking as fast as I can. I feel I am partly to blame for the mess as there's no way I should've even had any online conversations with a married man. I learnt my lesson the hard way and would strongly advise anyone to never ever go there. It will only end in hurt.
Deidre40
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SO--QUESTION FOR YOU ALL HERE
So wait a minute. You think he wanted to sleep with me, or whatever...and just keep his wife, too?
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture
Keep the wife too...Deirdre
Yep Deirdre they do that...Mine wasn't married but...3 children with girlfriend plus the two that she had that he wasn't the dad from...one girl had down syndroom...and was rewally crazy about him...he called his now EX girfriend The Mother of my Children...i am his Girlfriend He lured me saying saying that the relationship with her was a long time ago ended,he lived there for the children,because he did not wanted her the only one being involved in their education...he said he wanted his children to be world citizens and not only american orientated with rap music,tv and so on...he is afro american he said he had a tough childhood in the getto and want for his children what he never had..his ex is a white country girl that only smokes cigarettes,watch tv and drinks coffeee ....But he forgot to say that she does the groceries and all the rest...he never,ever do anything with those children...now 19,17 and 16....he was always working,gaming on the internet watching porn...he D&D ME 3 YEARS AGO...iN THE LURING PHASE HE SAID I WAS THE ONE...I SPEAK 7 LANGUAGES,I LIVE IN eUROPE I HAVE AN EDUCATION AND THEIR CHILDREN COULD SEE WHAT A REAL WOMAN LOOKS LIKE...Later he told me i was ugly,stupid bi polar,oversexed and could only burn food...(i am really a good cook)that i was just like the mother of his children....so you see yes,thy can be more than married .

Aceonelady

onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture
Deidre
NO BRAINER,many men want their cake and eat it too,,stay away from the guy,no morals or values in my book, UGH,creep Those things he said to you as a married man said it all.............
Happy1
Happy1's picture
uhhh.... yep! 8-)
uhhh.... yep! 8-)
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Deidre, please don't take this the wrong way.
Duh.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
waking up
waking up...no offense taken. i know, it sounds stupid, but a man would willingly tell a woman he's married, and then pursue her? i mean, i could see not telling her, lying to her that he's single...but telling her he's married, and pursuing her at the same time? i guess i'm more naive than i thought.
Susan32
Susan32's picture
My new toy
The ex-Psych prof still pursued me after his girlfriend moved in! He didn't tell me about her in the first place. However, after I met the girlfriend, I felt like I had earned the "I can do to you emotionally whatever the hell I want" license. He lied to me about being single... and when I met the girlfriend, I felt like I could treat him however I wanted. Without any sense of compassion. I was MERCILESS... with some sadism sprinkled in. I treated him like my new toy. It was then he lost control (or whatever he semblance he had) over me. I wanted ABSOLUTE control over him. From then on, I called the shots. His name is Hebrew for dog... and I put him on a leash. It was the first time I had ever been cruel to someone purposefully&enjoyed every moment of it. What added to the CD (for me) was that I had declared my love to him. I had told the ex-P how much I loved him.... but when I met his girlfriend, I thought, "Game on." He was my pawn. I was the puppeteer. At some level, the ex-P was afraid that I was out to drive him insane. He couldn't "get it" why I was treating him the way I did, and enjoying it. He couldn't make the connection.
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Just trying to spare you D :o)
Trust me, I've been stupid... Red flags I missed: I knew Narcboy was married when we met. He doesn't wear a ring either. He referred to Mrs. Narcboy as "the wife." I don't know about you, but that has always bugged me when men do that. Shows a lack of respect... like she's an object? (Narc Handbook page 37.) He knew that I knew he was married - but for the first several months of our long-distance friendship (I would not let it progress beyond friendship, and look where that got me - I'm on this forum too! :oP) - he rarely mentioned her. Yeah, that's a biggie! What I've learned: a married man who will pursue you has done it before and will do it again. He's gotten lots of practice throwing around words like "smitten."
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Ring of Fire
The ex-Psych prof was ENGAGED and he didn't wear a ring! I wanted to get one from a Cracker Jacks box and weld it to his finger! I was FURIOUS when I learned that the ex-P, to whom I had declared my love, already had had a long-distance girlfriend who moved in with him. The ex-P and I NEVER dated nor had sex... but I was still mortified&furious. And, unfortunately for the ex-P, he was on the receiving end of my wrath instead of the girlfriend. He wanted triangulation... he got EPIC FAIL. The ex-P referred to his girlfriend as "Miss G--." He didn't call her by her first name. He NEVER acknowledged her. I didn't know she existed, till I met her. When I congratulated him on being engaged, he raged at me... and I was in shock. Absolute shock. Instead of introducing his girlfriend to his colleagues, the ex-P went running down the stairs when I had a nice conversation with her. She ended up running after him, the both of them were arguing their way all down the stairway. From then on, I started giving the ex-P the gift of narcissistic injuries. ON PURPOSE. Yeah, I got a bit emotionally sadistic. Just a little. And I kinda relished it. It was "you lied about having a girlfriend, so I am entitled to play head games with you, and ENJOY every da*n minute." The ex-P ended up going thru the wringer, over the barrel. I only regret not having put him in the stocks-that was public humiliation in colonial New England (he was from Massachusetts)
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Its amazing how they don't acknowledge....
Narcboy treats his wife as though she is invisible. She does a lot of his grunt work and gets NO credit. He really tries to downplay that he's married at all. He was starting to do the same to me. (ignoring, treating me as invisible...) It's really quite hurtful when someone treats you like you don't exist anymore. (Narc Handbook page 121...) Once again, glad I never married him... I SO wouldn't want to be her....
Susan32
Susan32's picture
If you can't be nice, use force
The ex-Psych prof REALLY didn't like it how he talked his ear off about how great his girlfriend was. Here he was, ready to triangulate, I got his strategy, and used it AGAINST HIM!!!! He once whined "It shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend." Yeah, whenever I've broken NC, I've acknowledged her, and NEVER in a negative way. I was SO angry at the ex-P for not acknowledging his girlfriend I would've happily made him clean all the toilets on campus (including the dorms) on his knees, with a toothbrush, then posted it on Facebook. He's the only Narc who's really brought out my sadistic side&whose narcissistic injuries I ate up like Ben&Jerry's ice cream (he's a New Englander, so the analogy fits) If he wasn't going to bring up his girlfriend, I FORCED the issue. When the cops can't open a door in a gentle way, they simply use a battering ram&break it down (okay, I've watched too much CSI) I went for the nuclear option. He was a combination of Fat Man (he was plump) and Little Boy (mentally&emotionally),so I dropped both. Simultaneously. And enjoyed the blast.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
wake up
oooomg. seriously, oooooooomg....this is what this man referred to his wife as...'the wife.' I'm sitting here, in shock. My ex N referred to me when we were dating as 'the gf.' Yikes. They are all the same in so many odd ways. I totally agree...very disrespectful to say 'the wife, etc.' Thank you for sharing your story with me here. I am sorry you ended up getting hurt. I am happy for you though, that you didn't let it get beyond friendship. Give yourself credit for that!
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Thanks D. I appreciate
Thanks D. I appreciate that... I realize that I am lucky - I didn't sleep with, marry, or become the GF of my Narc, but I did get hurt just the same. My heart goes out to those of you on this forum who are dealing with divorce and children in the mix. Truly. I know that your situation is even harder than mine.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
waking up
waking up; just curious how did you get hurt? i don't know how to word that. lol I mean...if you didn't date him, what ended up happening that hurt you? I ask, because last year, I dated a narc (another one before the most recent one) for a very short time. He broke things off, and he wanted to remain 'friends.' Good grief, this was a nightmare for nearly a year. I'm wondering if yours played head games despite not being in your life as a lover? Like that situation ended up being for me. In the end of both that narc and the recent one...I learned that I had to become a solution, and not continuing to be part of the problem. If that makes sense.
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Sorry, kind of a long story...
Narcboy and I work in the same industry. We met while working on a very high-profile project. Afterward, we struck up a friendship (initially with flirtatious overtones), and ended up working on quite a few big, very rewarding projects together. (After the 1st project is when I drew the line at "just friends")... We talked very seriously about becoming business partners. (or at least I THOUGHT he was serious) And we were working on some plans that were NO small potatoes either...At one point he told me that I was the best friend he's ever had. I emotionally supported him through a lot family drama. (his mom is a Narc too) And he's ALWAYS been telling me a sob story about how unhappy his marriage is. I'm an empath and I was lured in by wanting to help that "hurt little boy" inside him. (also in the Narc Handbook....) I'm very passionate about what I do. Working with him also fed my ego - as he's very well respected in our industry - (at least for now...) and some of our projects have gotten media attention. I've had A LOT of ups and downs in my career and I think he was able to quickly figure out that the chink in my armor was that I craved professional affirmation. It was also important to me to feel needed - as a close friend, and also as a business partner that was capable, talented and intelligent. Even though he never told me that he thought we were "soul mates" (also in the Narc Handbook) he led me to believe that we were. He even went so far as to tell another colleague that we were "professional soul mates." WTF? But... a Narc is a Narc. At a work related event, we met a woman who behaved like a big groupie. (Can you think of any better N Supply than a GROUPIE???) Long story short-ish...She is now the OW. He loved to pit me (and his wife!) against her. He began to ignore me more and more, and be very dismissive of any professional efforts I made to move our business partnership forward. He invited the OW to work on the last big project with us. (Or more accurately, he manipulated me into asking her, because he'd get in trouble with Mrs. Narcboy, if HE was the one to invite her...) The OW is very blatant about her relationship with Narcboy - to the point where I think her lack of discretion is having a negative effect on his public image. He started lying to me about business meetings and whether or not the OW was attending them. I confronted him about the lying and how the OW could be damaging to his reputation/public image. As a Narc, I think he likes being thought of as a "stud." (ew.) But he fails to realize that it doesn't square with the "do-gooder/family image" that he also wants to project. During that confrontation, he came right out and told me that he was only using the OW for her contacts. (Her husband is wealthy and she is well connected in the city where they live.) That's the moment that I saw behind his mask.(with quite a bit of clarity, I might add...) He started giving me the silent treatment shortly after that. And about a week or so after that is when I learned about NPD. So now, I'm mourning not only a friendship, but also some very big professional dreams that were connected to him. And also struggling with the cog/dis of the betrayal. Oh yes, he most definitely played lots head games... even though we never actually dated. I believe that he was stringing me along professionally so that he could use me. I've been replaced by the OW, since she's actually much better supply than I was - she was more than happy to sleep with him.
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture
HUGE RED FLAG!
Go ahead and be rude! He's NOT a christian man! Christian men DON'T tell other women besides their wife they are beautiful unless their wife is standing next to them. And he's smitten?! You said it best Deidre you wouldn't be happy if your husband talked like this. Follow your gut. Lord knows we didn't with the N and look where that got us. I have all the faith in the world you will know what to do. OH! No pun intended with my name or his so called faith.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
faithinthefuture
yes, that is the gut feeling I had. And we are all sinners, I'm not condemning the guy. But, when you say you're a minister. I dunno. What comes to my mind, is not a man sitting online or talking with women at the gym, telling them how smitten he is with them. I liked the comment at first, until he told me about his wife. I wonder if he thought I should know this, but why would I? He doesn't wear a ring, and she has NEVER EVER come up until last night. Kinda wonder why he brought her up all of a sudden. I'M GLAD HE DID. But, just curious. Hmm. He said in his email the word 'burgeoning' referring to our 'friendship.' I had to look up the word, sadly. My vocab is slipping! :=O
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Red Flag!!!
I used to be at the forums at http://www.amazon.com There was a flirty male poster... he was open about being married, middle-aged and having kids. He'd pout because I wouldn't be his Amazon Friend. He was waaay too flirty for my liking. If there had been a sense of detachment, I would've gladly given him my email address. I didn't. I was the sole female on a mostly male thread. I just sensed something "off."
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
susan lol
there's an amazon message board? lol you're kidding! how funny. they're everywhere, susan!!! good for you for not being his amazon friend.
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Yes,Deidre, there are Amazon Message Boards
They're called "customer discussions." I should've posted the relevant link. The boards tend to attract virulent homophobes, anti-Semitic Holocaust deniers, not a nice bunch. At least the folks at Yelp Talk at http://www.yelp.com would rather crack jokes, talk about restaurants, Five Guys Burgers&Fries, sex, George Lucas' latest Star Wars changes,etc. It's ironic... I feel better at Yelp than Amazon. Yelpers tend to be wilder, and their concept of "friendship" doesn't send one running for the door. One of my Yelp Friends is Compliment Fairy, and I've gotten invites to Yelp events in Southern California... but none of them give me *BAD* gut feelings. What's weird is that Amazon deleted its "Amazon Friend" program without really notifying ANYONE. People used to have Amazon Friends on their profile pages, but those have been deleted, without any explanation.
grace67
grace67's picture
Susan32
When I read the "I've gotten invites to Yelp events in Southern California" part, I just HAD to ask...the guy that invited you wouldn't happen to be amassage therapist, would he? lol..XN invited half the women on FB to come visit ..while I was sitting right beside him thinking "Really? Seriously? WTF? I'm Right Here ya know!" I figure he may have branched out to Yelp now.. I'm kinda.. halfway maybe, kidding here. ;-)
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Food trucks
No, I've gotten invites to Yelp Events that are PUBLIC and FAMILY-FRIENDLY. They usually involve tacos, food trucks, movies. NOTHING private and involving massage. No invites from SoCal massage therapists.
grace67
grace67's picture
lol..
He hardly ever starts out with an invite for a massage.. although I have seen it happen. Just freaky how many of these guys seem like the same guy over and over and over... I shouldn't be as surprised by it as I still am.
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
susan
I should join, and you and I could chat there, too. I love amazon. lol Your description is hilarious...''holocaust deniers.'' good grief...sounds like a hostile bunch...throw a few narcissists in...and we've got a helluva party. NOT! :=P Susan...do you date? I have never asked you. Oops...this is an open thread, you can pm me the reply if you like. Just curious if you have ever encountered another narc after your ex-prof?
Susan32
Susan32's picture
Encountering Narcs
The Yelp bunch is friendlier... none of my Yelp Friends have sent me PMs or Compliments that would send red flags waving. They'd rather shoot the breeze with discussions of altercations at the San Rafael Whole Foods or how avocados are frakking delicious. I've encountered Narcs since the ex-Psych prof... but the good thing is I've NEVER fallen in love with them. My former Narc boss was openly gay&had an older boyfriend. I've been dealing with a female Narc at work, I don't swing that way, and she's married. I've dated on and off. A friend at church set me up on a blind date with an older man who struck me as creepy. He sent me a letter at work that was filled with fortune cookie quotes... he couldn't come up with anything original. I didn't take it any further. I'd rather be careful than attract another loser. I've dealt with Narcs, but they are small potatoes compared to the ex-P. They're small indie movies that open at art houses, while he is the Big Budget Epic with A-List Stars. My former Narc boss looks downright angelic and saintly in comparison.
ordinarycourage
ordinarycourage's picture
Married Men Who Want to be Friends (with benefits)
Tell this man in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be friends. Even better, delete and block him from your email. He'll get the message and look for supply elsewhere.
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Delete! Return this puppy
Delete! Return this puppy before you get attached! Hunter
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture
you and done sourcing made me
you and done sourcing made me laugh, hunter. haha! i am still at work...leaving soon. just a quick note of thanks everyone. i honestly didn't think much of any of this...just a guy at the gym. he seemed to be very...single...in his behavior. but, i wasn't 'interested' per se...just a getting to know him kind of thing, but clearly, this cannot go anywhere NOW. I don't think he sees it that way, or he wants the wifey at home...and someone on the side. I can't say that with certainty, not knowing him that well, but men who truly ...TRULY....care about their wives' feelings, aren't telling random women the things he's told me. Hey, at least he admitted he was married...this could have gone REALLY BAD...! lol Where's sara smile? LET'S GO JOIN THE MONKS...LOL!