The OW

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Hunter
Hunter's picture
Bank
It's called triangulation! Google it!
Gullable1
Gullable1's picture
Free the ow...
So much for not focusing on the ow. Every word devoted to the alleged ow strengthens and entrenches the premiss of a perfect relationship if it were not for another woman coming in and taking your man. As if to say the only bad part of the relationship is "man gone".....? This excuses the narc from all his faults and squarely places the blame on the OW.
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
Gullable1
Which statement is your post directed to? Not following your comment completely........
Gullable1
Gullable1's picture
Sparrow
Was commenting on the posts lashing out at the ow in general, there was an excellent message about not focusing on the ow. Seemingly wet the whistle for many comments regarding the ow. A dubious irony.
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture
I feel sorry for her...
My ex was screaming that I was the love of his life as I walked out the door. Within three weeks he had reinvented himself as a writer (he's written one crap short story), set up several online dating profiles which took five years off his age and had hooked the next mark. I caught him messaging women on My Space and he had literally blanket emailed any women who was online saying, "Hi, really liked your profile..." What a fake! He doesn't care about lying. He literally has no conscience! Anyway, his OW... I actually emailed her last summer to warn her, to tell her he was a fake and his mask would soon slip and that he could become extremely aggressive. I got an email back which was a vicious attack. I expected it however. She told me to get a life, that I was psychotic and that they were happy, in love and wanted to start a family of their own. It is not wrong to say those words stung me to the core. However, she must have just discovered she was pregnant by a man she hardly knew, she was in a very precarious position, I was a threat as I'm a graduate, well read, more attractive than her, slimmer etc etc and she must have been bloody worried that my ex would leave her. The fact that I escaped and made sure my ex didn't know where I had gone stopped any chances of him stalking me (which he had done in the past). The reply which I will never send to her is... "Dear KB, I got a life the day I walked out from that lying scumbag. You two weren't in love with each other. You were in lust with each other which is a completely different thing. Your body was high on oxytocin and your new narc boyfriend was high on knowing he had just trapped a new mug. You won't be happy now you've had his baby and you've put on more weight. In fact I worry about you. Despite the vicious email you sent me last summer, I would always compare stories with you once you realise what a waste of space you have replicated the DNA of. You're stuck with Mr Windybags the rest of your life with his pasty legs and psycho leer whereas I never have to see his ugly face again. I'm the one who got the life honey." Hallelujah!
StudentOfLife
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PeaceLily
Love your reply to OW!!
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture
Good post & worthy comments, but here's my take on OW
I think they do matter...not quite in the same way as you refer to. My narc's OW is being used even worse than I was. Her feelings may be sincere, but I have no doubt my narc is just running another con game on her. She has money and property, and that's what he's after. The whole thing screams SCAM and con-artist at work! He's having to sell his house because with two mortgages, he can't afford to keep it...he's fast going broke. The OW is a Golden Goose ripe for the picking! She's the sucker being taken for a ride. Yes, I've been known to feel jealous of her, feeling that I couldn't compete leaving me feeling inferior..but as another poster said, "Gullible" I think, the OW is a blessing in disguise. The OW takes the abuse target off our backs, and we get the golden ticket to freedom and the opportunity to learn and develop a normal life. The OW I realize is no one for me to be jealous of. Once he's gotten all he wants, becomes bored, finds another OW, she'll be kicked to the curb too, broken-hearted, feeling inferior, jealous, yada, yada. Now, I mostly feel pity for her, and I also want to know, am curious what the OW experience is like for them. I'm not wanting to condemn or judge them, I'm just trying to understand what it's like for them.
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture
what it's like for them
I would imagine they don't feel like the OW or OM, they feel the focus and attention and mirroring and are probably feeling special and loved and appreciated. I understand that and I know how nice that feels, and was jealous the the OM was getting the mask, it sure felt better than the d and d I was experiencing. In my case becasue we have a child together, I get updates from time to time. The OM became the main man, and he has gotten some d and d'ing of his own, but in true narc infested style, their true love and devotion to each other keeps winning out, and they have a relationship that has survived two divorces, three children adjusting to new lives, His x having had heart surgery, yada yada yada...the shit that happily ever after is made of, not. I really truly wish they would get married, he seems like a good Dad, and my kid could use some stability when with her Mom, and I'm not gonna volunteer for that job ever again...I've been asked a few times, and I fuck with it for a day or two and then run run run for the hills. I was mad at him, he had a part in breaking us up. But now after over a year it is just what it is, and I am moving towards just having my own life. Sometimes the exwn seems like a distant cloudy memory, new experiences, identifications, and awarenesses are filling in the spaces that I have uncovered and found darkness in. This is a process, that is what my therapist has reminded me of so often. I don't know what all the lessons are for me here on planet topsy-turvy, but I am handling this momentous change in my life face first, letting it all hang out. Exposing myself here on this forum, in therapy, in my writing, with my God, all make it more likely that I will survive without a black heart, with gratitude that I passed this test, and that I want to share love, not misery and pain. ds
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
Soapergirl
The OW experience is EXACTLY like it was for you........repetition compulsive disorder.....the narc repeats himself, almost always.......he uses almost the same exact script. He can't help it. IMAGINE NO MORE! LOL
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture
I'm sure you're right Sparrow
Of the things he posted on his website about their "romance" such that it is, it's clear he went after her the same as he did me, used pretty much the same script, but what shocked me that many of the things he quoted her as saying, I'd said the exact same things like "You belong to me now!". hahaha. Talk about being delusional, that was me alright! Maybe that's why i can see her as a victim too, but it is obvious, she is a bigger fish for him to fry with owning a nice, expensive house, having a fat bank account, successful business. None of which I had! (when I emailed him about her, I called her "a poor soul" and had genuine pity for her, knowing he had hooked and reeled in a new naive, overly trusting victim which I know she is! http://soapergirl.blogspot.com/
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture
good comment
My issue is not with OW, he had plenty of them but I was #1, he said they were just "friends" but they were all women he dated and kept around. I chose to not play that role as because I was #1 I was with him all of the time and lived with him for 3 months. It was slow D&D and I never knew what it was at the time. He never wanted to break up but I did 3x (yup got sucked back in twice). My issue is that he has realized he cannot be in a commited relationship and has "several" relationships where he is "sexually free and able to date or be with anyone he wants" and apparently these women are okay with this, where I was not, I wanted monogamous. That's what bothers me is that these women are getting all the good from him and none of the bad apparently because they aren't getting caught in his web of control and lying. I wish I knew if this is the absoulute truth or if he was just saying that to me as he wanted me to be in that tangled web knowing that he is dating others and I can too. Well, I have 2 kids and work full time and he is basically free to go anywhere, anytime, with anyone, has no ties to anything and has tons of money, 3 houses, 3 cars and not a care in the world. I miss my friend but he turned into a monster and I have to keep remembering that, once you get too close and the mask comes off that is the end. With these other women the mask can stay on apparently, but hopefully its just a matter of time. Hugs to all..........
TNR1
TNR1's picture
Ummmmm...as someone who has
Ummmmm...as someone who has been the OW....believe me, the mask DOES come off...especially if these are girls that he has kept around for a long time. They probably don't necessarily know about each other, he may have them thinking that they are the only one, the only one who truly understands him. That is what happened with me. Mr. N convinced me that he was truly unhappy with his gf at the time...he used to tell me everything that was going wrong. Said I was his sanctuary. The point is...these women are victims too...whether they see it or not, accept it or not...the common factor is him and he does not change. Don't think that they are getting all the goods...they aren't. Whether they are aware of it or not...they are no better than a chair or a car or any other object.
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
i agree with TNR1- I was told
i agree with TNR1- I was told I was the only one that understood him...we could be that safe place for eachother to escape all our problems. he ocassionally would tell me he was kicking the gf out (of which I would convince him not to) im sure that must have baffled him. the mask fell, and i remember the day that it did... and it has never been the same again. Now his gf can do no wrong... and suddenly i am the bad one. I caught him in a few lies about her... what I now view is him trying to manipulate me- make me feel bad...maybe even jealous. I can tell you it is not pretty from this side. it sucks. i dont care how she feels about me... as she clearly does not know the truth. and how that is I havent a clue since he is awake all hours on the phone or online. AND...she seems to think he is such a great guy. the OW does not get treated better....it is temporary!!! I nevr thought i would end up on these boards again...never thought he possibly could be a N... he seemed very kind and nice... when I was getting over the last N- I obsessed about the new OW... he jsut cut me off with no care...so it was so tough..but they are no longer together, it was short lived. and now that I know how it is to be OW... I wouldnt wish it on anyone...in someways it is way way worse... I found the mask stayed on longer...and I got sucked in.
dabussard
dabussard's picture
Lisa87
I could have written your post word for word... Oh my, that is my problem too. I wanted monogamous... He wanted to be sexually free... This is what screws with my head... Cause, I keep thinking that I was not enough for him... Sexually, emotionally, well in every aspect...
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
WE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR
WE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THEM! NO ONE PERSON WILL BE! THIS IS THE POINT WE MUST ALWAYS, ALWAYS REMEMBER! It's hard to remember all the time, but we must try.......always. This is the truth, this is our truth..... We will all survive and come out the other end better, smarter women.......and the cycle begins with the OW's....all we can do, is be there for them on this forum. (not "them" meaning your narcs OW, ALL of them) Smiles
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture
Black Hole
They have black holes for hearts. We could work out whole lives trying to fill that empty space in them. It's just no capable. No human will ever be enough for them! I spent 20 years trying to make the ex-N 'happy'. It's just not possible. And in the process, I lost myself. Now, I don't even think about any other OW, I just don't care! I'm focusing on me. Don't get me wrong, I can fall into thinking about him and any OW that he may be getting supply from. But I quickly change my focus back to myself or my children. (I know, I'm so selfish! Hehe!) my co-dependency is such a factor in being with this man for so long. Most normal people would have not put up with what I did. (With what we all have put up with.)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture
Dabussard
Nope we were not enough for them, but neither are the others, thats why they are searching for something that doesn't exist to fill any empty void that will never be filled. No matter how much sex, with whom, how many partners, orgies, etc they will not be fulfilled. I was enough for him emotionally and sexually but just wanted the extra thrill now and then of having other partners (wanted me to swing or have threesomes or orgies with him). Then when I said no way, but then broke up with him, he was trying to hoover me back in by saying he was "free" and knew I didn't want that...but he will get sick of that in time (within 2 years he said) and then he wants to marry me because we have a connection that he has never had before. Talk about a mindf*&k, I'm supposed to wait for him and then he will one day wake up and decide he wants a committed monogamous relationship lol. He was married for 27 years and only divorced 1 (we were both newly separated while together). I always made that excuse, midlife crisis, kids grown, just getting divorced, he wants to be wild and free and has the right, but that at the expense of my mind, body and soul. Then I figured out he has NPD and explains his behavior 100%, what a godsend to know I'm not crazy or alone, his wife must have endured this and wish I could have talked to her.
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
These women require nothing
These women require nothing from him emotionally, which tells us what????? Exactly, they are narcs. They are only interested in what they can get from him. They are not interested in him or who he is as a person. They are interested in what he has to offer. Right now, he doesn't see this, or maybe he does and is taking from them as well. I CAN PROMISE YOU THIS..........that well will dry up real soon and people will be moving on. Whether it be him or these women......they will all move on. Need I remind you of Charlie Sheen and his Godesses......
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
TO USED........AND EVERYONE OF COURSE.......
Happy birthday Artist! Enjoy this day, you deserve it! I am glad you found my post to be helpful, that was exactly what it was meant to do. Everyone: I am not trying to discourage anyone from discussing the OW. She is a part of your pain, and that is very much understood and should be discussed, absolutely.......BUT, I am seeing many posts here where you are obsessing over "what the OW is doing with the narc" - "is the OW making him happier then I did" - "Is the OW changing him for the better, possibly healing him".........these THOUGHTS are all very damaging to your healing. The OW may have been the cause of your breakup, was for my marriage. So, she has to be acknowledged as part of your story..........she just doesn't have to be a "main character" is all. Let her be a prop.....or a "walk on" but as far as for your healing and getting over this pain, she is irrelevant. PERIOD........
Used
Used's picture
OK
I SUPPOSE THIS IS ABOUT MY EGO...I HAVENT EVER SAKED WILL HE BE HAPPY WITH HER AND SO ON COS I DON'T CARE...BUT MY ISSUE WITH HER WAS OUT OF THE BLUE 3YEARS DOWN THE LINE...SHE SEEKS ME OUT TO TELL ME...WHY?... THE OTHER THING IS THO MYEXNH AND I WERE DIVORCED,HE WANTED TO REMAIN FRIENDS, I SAID OK....I FOUND OUT LAST YEAR,FOR 11/12 OF THE YEARS WE WERE STILL FRIENDS HE WAS LIVING WITH A WOMEN...SO HERES THE THING, I NEVER MENTION HER AND THE REASON IS, IN ALL THE THAT TIME THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. SHE NEVER CAME LOOKING FOR ME TO TELL ME OR RUB MY FACE IN IT.....SO YES I ADMIT IT...MY EGO TOOK A BATTERING...
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture
Ego smashing is a wake up call from God
My ego took a big hit also. I felt hurt, i obsessed over what he had that I didn't.i had to figure it all out. I went through the it must be something wrong with me phase. I knew she was disordered but still went to the it must be me card, wow, how twisted and lost I had become! She and the OM (funny, OM, like the meditation) had their fun, then the drama and the d and d's from her to him, then more drama...finally I saw that he is just another guy, I'm sure in some ways better than me and in some ways not as good...it just doesn't matter. She does the push/pull (her words) with him, just like she did with me, and does with our child, and with anyone else foolish enough to hang around her for too long. She wanted to stay friends with me, and because of our child I thought that was a good idea. But I know know she can't be "friends" with anybody, cause that doesn't fill what is lacking in her. She needs an excuse, an object to blame, a punching bag, and she calls that a relationship. She is darkness, I am light, I vibrate, she roars and shreiks...blah blah blah. My ego took a hit, and that was needed. God is love, and my ego was about retribution and hurting back, in other words perpetuating the darkness and hatred and bitterness. When I look at her with love, compassion, and light, no darkness invades me anymore. I need say or do nothing anymore, just imagine bright light illuminating her darkness. What a cool trip this is, 16 plus months since the original d and d, 1 year since the move out, and almost 9 mos since the divorce. I ain't perfect, but God and people have and continue to give me all the answers I need to make it through each and every day and situation. ds
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture
Sorry for the late response
Wow! I really like what he had to say. So many of us have been hurt by N's. Something just has to change...it just has too. Love, TB
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
USED
Your ego took a battering, I am sorry for that. I am curious though why you hold a higher regard to the OW that came "clean" oppose to the OW that didn't........ You should speak about this topic more, instead of having your ego bruised. Don't take all the pain and punishment on, you should talk about it, release it...... As far as the OW, you never really know how much they really know, and you never know what their motive is too reaching out. narc #2's reached out......I am waiting on narc #1, she may, she may never..... But she/they will be victims just like us, unless they are narcs themselves........than who cares, let them all starve to death with a pot of stew and ladels tied to their arms.........
Used
Used's picture
GOOD QUESTION
Good question... i am going to have a good think about that...altho..coming clean about it...why after 3 years?..
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture
Don't have the answer for the
Don't have the answer for the amount of time it took..........maybe it took her 3 years to get through her journey. There would be no way of me knowing. Only she can answer that........
Gullable1
Gullable1's picture
Hell to the yeah?
My sentiments exactly, I've said since day one, who cares about ow.?.. Ow isn't what got us here, they are simply a manifestation of unhealthy symptoms. Or as I see it, the ow is a ticket to freedom. One the narc latches on, to the ow, we are slowly released from the clutches of addiction. The addictive fog lifts, we can all dust off and trudge forward hopefully happy, healthy, wealthy and wise.
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture
Yep, I'm one of the OW
Yep, I'm one of the OW obsessed. :) I need to keep reading this stuff over and over. I keep going back to the notion that there must be something wrong with me for him to choose someone he only knew for 3 weeks over me. >.
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture
Changing thought patterns about the OW
A couple of things here, having been the OW myself in the past. 1. She isn't getting anything better. In fact, many narcs, once divorced, also dump the OW for another totally new supply (this happened to me). The lies are the same, whether ex wife, OW or NW. 2. Continuing to obsess about whether or not she is getting something you did not is EXACTLY what he wants you to THINK. Even if he's not thinking of you anymore, he would still WANT you to think that. It gives him power over you, even if he is long gone. 3. When obsessing over the OW, remember how he treated you in your relationship. All narcs have bottom line behaviors that are unchangeable, what were the behaviors of your Narc that were who he WAS? Do you really think he's just going to stop exhibiting those behaviors for someone else on a permanent basis? HIGHLY unlikely. I like to write down what he did TO ME. And as time is moving forward, much of what he did to me, and lied about, he did to his first, second wife, myself and now most assuredly his new wife. It takes a long time to change, even for healthy people, why would anyone assume that a Narc can in record time? He can't. He wont. If he didn't do it for you, he won't for anyone else either.
bakingfortherapy
bakingfortherapy's picture
:(
Lobo, That has got to be awful...Just remember tis HIM and HIS choices. and He SUCKS!!!
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Sparrow / Artist
And That my friend is, enough said. So there, And Artist Happy Birthday! Hunter