Words to share in the hope it will help you move on....
Moving On
To preserve one's mental health – one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on.
Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept painful reality. Such acceptance is a volcanic, shattering, agonising series of nibbling thoughts and strong resistances. Once the battle is won, and harsh and agonizing realities are assimilated, one can move on to the learning phase.
Learning
We label. We educate ourselves. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights.Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, knowledge, support and confidence, we face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises those who do not mourn – but fight; do not grieve – but replenish their self-esteem; do not hide – but seek; do not freeze – but move on.
Grieving
Having been betrayed and abused – we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser – the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again – and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt.
In my case he told me he was happy till I got sick.
I have struggled with that guilt for a long time, until someone told me that when I got sick, he punished me because I could not longer live up to his 'fantasy"
Well put!!!
I'd like to say a quick thanks to Lisa for creating this site and also thanks to all the members here for sharing your stories. Reading your stories here has confirmed to me that my ex is definitely a narc.
I met him the first day of my new job, 2 1/2 years ago and after a few weeks realized that he liked me. We started hanging out as friends and I did not want to date him at first because I worked with him and had a new job that I loved (and still love). I had been out of the dating scene for a few years and was about to sign up for an online dating service when he admitted that he really liked me. I had doubts right from the start and wasn't sure if I wanted to date him but he pursued me, was very persistent. He wooed me, was very romantic. Said the most beautiful and wonderful things to me, wrote me the most romantic emails, was so sweet. No one had ever chased me like that and I finally gave in and ignored my doubts. I now realize that his pursuit was way aggressive and over the top, way too much and not normal.
A bit about me - my friends and family would describe me as a happy, nice, giving and positive person - always a smile on my face. I am also definitely an Empath.
We started dating and he wanted to see me all the time. He attached to me real quick, too quickly, but I enjoyed the attention. We had a fairy tale honeymoon period the first year of our relationship (we only dated a year and half). There were red flags along the way but I ignored them, made excuses for his behavior. He was in need of constant praise and attention. He is extremely charming and has a great sense of humor. He was constantly joking, making me (and others) laugh with his crazy stories (most of them completely made-up and exaggerated). He would jokingly say things like - I have Adonis DNA, I am a bronze god and need to be worshipped (no joke!), Always walk behind me and etc. but in a joking kind of way so I didn't take it seriously at first. Almost everything we did together was about him, about his band (he's a musician) or about his friends but I went along with it since I was kind of new to the area and hadn't made too many friends yet. I liked most of his friends and the adventures we had so it wasn't a big problem. When I would make suggestions for things I wanted to do he would either ignore my ideas or begrudgingly go along. He'd make fun of me by calling me a boy (I'm a tomboy but also have a feminine side) and would put me down but then praise me immediately.....very weird. Also he was not a good listener and would cut me off or pretend to not hear me when I was telling him something. It was all about him!
Throughout our relationship he would break plans constantly, without any consideration of me and my time. After a few months I addressed this with him and at first he freaked out thinking I was breaking up with him. Things got better for a while but he went back to his old ways, making promises he couldn't keep, breaking plans with me. Our sex life was always rocky and I couldn't figure out why. We didn't have enough sex and he'd blame me for it, saying I had rejected him, that I wasn't aggressive enough and then I was too aggressive (huh??), that he didn't have enough privacy ( he has roommates)....drove me crazy. Anyhow, our relationship got serious after a year. I travelled with him to meet his family, to meet his daughter (who lives in another state) and last summer he told me he wanted to marry me. He called me his best friend and he was my best friend too. We could read each other's thoughts, finish each others sentences. I told him I wanted to marry him too. There was never any proposal though - THANK GOD!! So we decided we were going to move in together and started checking out neighborhoods to live in.
Right after this time he lost his job and shortly afterwards the mask came off too. We decided to wait moving in together until he found another job. He was having financial problems and hurting so I lent him money. Very stupid of me, I know, but I thought of him as my partner and it hurt me to see him suffer. Within 6 weeks of losing his job he "changed" on me completely. He'd make excuses to not see me, his schedule started to fill up and he had no time for me or our relationship. He became angry, resentful and jealous of me. I was struggling to spend one day a week with him. And this is the same guy that used to want to spend every day with me! I was losing him and thought he was going to break up with me. The last month of our relationship I struggled to work things out with him but he had no interest. He became cold, devoid of emotion, angry, would blame our problems at me. It was all my fault and according to him I was creating all the problems. Also there was lots of D&D.....he told me, after a year and half of dating, that he was used to dating more feminine women and also he couldn't maintain an erection during sex because I don't shave my privates. Really??!! Total BS. And very hurtful. Also during this time I noticed how much he was lying to me. The lies all started to surface. He told his bandmates that we had broken up 3 weeks prior to us actually breaking up. So many lies.....
So I had enough. It was obvious to me that he had no interest in our relationship, didn't want to work things out but didn't breakup with me. He made me breakup with him instead. Ok, so I know that no one can make you do anything but I was given no choice. The breakup was the most awful and traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. Writing this now, 8 months afterwards, I am crying thinking of it. The day I broke up with him he wouldn't return my calls. Instead he kept texting me. I wanted to talk to him on the phone, to go over to his place and break up in person, to do it in a nice and gentle way. Instead he kept texting me, we texted back and forth. I was pleading with him to call me, to come over and he texted back - maybe you should come over and pick up your shit. Well, that did it. I broke up with him right at that moment...via text. Awful, just awful.....
The next 2 weeks were hell on earth for me. He would send hateful and nasty emails to me every day. I sent some nasty emails back for the first few days (I'm not proud of that) but then I stopped. I was trying to defend myself but realized it was futile. He still wouldn't call me to talk. He called me the ugliest names, accused me of some awful things and would guilt me by saying that I broke up with him via text, while he was unemployed - like I had any other choice!! Very very manipulative..... We finally talked on the phone and then met in person and talked about repairing our friendship. I noticed how cold he was, not the same person I knew, not at all. He kept telling me he loved me and I started to have doubts about breaking up with him. I loved him too. I tried to reconcile with him and he kept playing games with me, first saying maybe, then yes, then no - let's just be friends. I was going crazy, didn't know what to think. What I didn't know was that there was already another woman in his life.
So 3 months after the breakup I was hopeful that we might reconcile. He was giving me mixed messages, telling me he loved me, that he wasn't over our breakup, that we could try again in the near future, I was the love of his life......blah blah. Finally I talked to his roommate (whom I became friends with) and after some hesitation the roommate told me the truth. Within the same month of our breakup he went straight to the OW. I am sure that he was cheating on me with the OW. I was getting suspicious of his relationship with this girl (he has lots of female friends) and had asked him about her. He kept saying we're just friends, friends only. Lies, more lies. Once I found out the truth I contacted him and told him to never call, text or email me again unless it was about the money he owed me. He had made numerous promises that he'd pay me back as soon as he found a job. Well he found a job and made a partial payment to me but has not paid me back fully. I'll never see that money again.
Anyhow, my grief was awful. It was like someone close to me had died. I lost 12 pounds, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I started drinking (I am not a drinker at all) but after a few months stopped. I went to therapy, exercised, became more and more social and took care of myself and am finally at a good place. 8 months since the breakup and I finally feel like myself again. I still hurt and it wasn't until I started reading all the stories here that I realized what was wrong with him. My friends and therapist kept telling me that he is a Narc and after some reading and research I now realize it too. Up until 2 months ago he was sending me texts and emails, wanting to talk, wanting to be my friend (NO WAY!!). I broke NC only to tell him to stop contacting me and to pay me back. And then I stopped replying to him all together. I delete any texts or emails he sends right away, NC all the way! I've blocked him from FB and am about to get a new phone that blocks phone numbers :) So I'm finally free from his clutches. Never again, never ever again! Thank you for reading my story.
He was over 2 hours late for our wedding in 1983---if that was not a definite red flag how did I miss the next neon red flag when, after our wedding 'celebration' (my stomach is turning right now) I found we were driving south, away from our southern destination...when I asked him, again and again where are we going? I asked sweetly, like a sweet and sparkling new wife would, he just winked, smiled and batted his baby blues, telling me nothing...ooh so mysterious and exciting to my immature and damaged self...silly me I went along to discover what surprise my wonderful new other half of me was going to do for me!!! We arrived at a home I had never been to before and when I went in I met a person for the second time that day-he had been at my wedding with a woman who was no where in site then. I found myself sitting on a couch next to my gorgeous new husband and discovered he was there to puchase cocaine. I had no idea of the deeply rooted relationship he had with this drug-that truth came out years and years later. This 'surprise' for me---at the time I was deeply shocked by it and deeply disappointed---I accepted it, swallowed it all, whole, in one gulp. Even at this early stage of my life and my marriage I chose to accept the unacceptable; how could I have run screaming from the house and risked rocking others boats, causing others trouble, wasting my parents hard earned money on a wedding for a marriage that lasted only part of one day? I did not do that; I did not do what was good for myself; I did not object...until late that night when, after arrivng at our southern destination hotel, and standing next to my 'beloved' together at the front desk of the hotel to check in (late, very late) when we decided to skip wasting money on a hotel room when we had a perfectly fine motorhome to sleep in out in the parking lot...before I fell asleep during the last minutes of my first day as a married 'woman' I began sobbing from a place within my body I had never felt before. And I was sobbing and crying out for my mother. Yeah, like she would be able or could be able to help me. It is there, from my family, in my injured parents home that I learned to accept the unacceptable. The last 28 years I have been under a spell living a life I never dreamed of; before that I was under a spell also, that of my deeply damaged parents, God bless them anyway. Mom has not one memory of her father ever hugging her-she does remember many traumas, especially that the only time he touched her was to pull her hair, touched her to hurt her. And my dad, he was 11 when, he came home from school one day to not find his mother there ever agin because she had been killed in an accident; very shortly after that his father abandoned him, his 8 year old brother and a 6 month old baby to fend for themselves. It was my father that made decisions about who would go to live where and with which relative willing to raise them...11 years old...tragedy. To this day my father acts like an out of control 11 year old-he is still fighting the pain from this trauma. He still treats me very badly when he is seized by this painful trauma. I am fifity one years old now and he is not allowed into my personal space, for now. He cannot be trusted nor can I, to not pick up our special and personalized weapons of annihilation to use on one another. The point I am trying to make is this: I was raised by a narcissist; I was trained to accept the unacceptable. My mother was a punching bag and door mat; my brother was afraid and cowared and me? I fought back and became just like him, my father-exactly. So I am strong, and I believe it is this fight that has been in me that has alowed me to make it to this point in time. I am beginning to believe that there is truth in what others keep telling me-my life will be different soon. I do not know what this will be like and I do not feel anything inside yet-not hope, not fear, not excitement, nothing. Yet. I tell them I hope they are right but that today is not the day...I allow them to share their positive thoughts and let them know I appreciate that anyone even cares about me. Anyway, this is the beginning of my story. I am co-dependent; my psychologist told me that a narcissist cannot live without one. I have wasted a lifetime in a sick relationship. I am in AA and stuck on step four for now...and I have joined you here to do something different in my quest to change my life. I hope to tell my entire story here-completely-so that I can leave it here, never to be thought of again unless I choose to or need to. Thank you for letting me share.
I am definitely new at posting online, let alone something as personal as the turmoil i've dealt with over the past year. I'd love to get my story out, but i'm having a tough time trying to get this accomplished.
Other than coming over and giving me a personal tutorial...is there something i'm overlooking. Can't seem to figure out how to i start my own topic/story?
Help please....:)
You can now add your story to your profile.
In order to do this, if it is the first time posting then click on your profile *there is also a link to the left that says: 'MY PROFILE' and where it asks: WHAT IS YOUR REASON FOR JOINING?" You simply post your story there. If information regarding your reason for joining is there from when you first requested membership-you may wish to leave it there or delete it...the choice is compeletely up to you.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ALREADY POSTED STORIES - you may simply cut and paste and add your story to that section.
This will make it easier for everyone to locate their stories moving forward as all that is needed is to click on the member's name and your story should appear as part of your profile.
Please advise of any questions.
Hugs!
‹ FORUM GUIDELINES
posting stories isn't working by following instructions....help
I think you will find we are folowing your instructions, but it doesn't work!!!
i have gone to my profile and done excaly what the instructions say, but it doesn't work...or am I just having a senior moment ????/
appreciate any help too!!!!!!!
I have posted a request now three times asking members not to post thier stories in this thread.
Lisa explains on top what share your story is about...there are TWO copies of my request posted below and members are not reading that and still posting here.
It is not a problem for me to move your stories; however, please understand when I move them, they will have my picture and my name as the "author" your name will be in the subject line, but not your picture or your profile.
Kindly read through this carefully - unfortunately, my two posts explaining what and how to do it have been bumped down due to other's posting and I cannot cut and paste to bring this back up to the top tonight.
If you want your story to have your pic and profile and you've posted here....kindly cut and paste and copy your story into the 1-3 forum as I will be moving them where they belong tomorrow as others will continue to post here when they are not supposed to.
DO NOT POST YOUR STORIES ON THIS THREAD.
MAYBE THE TERMS ARE CONFUSING....
A THREAD IS A START OF A DISCUSSION LISA'S MESSAGE ABOVE IS CONSIDERED A THREAD...PEOPLE RESPOND UNDERNEATH...
A POST IS A MESSAGE THAT IS PLACED TO THE BOARD. LISA'S MESSAGE ABOVE IS A POST THAT STARTED A THREAD...
SUBJECT IS THE LINE YOU FILL IN REGARDING YOUR TOPIC: FOR EXAMPLE: "HELP I BROKE NC"
TO POST YOUR STORY, YOU DO NOTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IN THE STEP 1-3 FORUM EXCEPT WHEN YOU ARE POSTING YOUR STORY IN THE SUBJECT LINE YOU ENTER YOUR NAME:
FOR EXAMPLE, MY NAME IS MICHELE115 THAT IS MY USERname...
SO IN THIS CASE IN THE SUBJECT LINE I WOULD TYPE: MICHELE115'S STORY
THEN I WOULD (WRITE OUT)POST MY STORY THEN SUBMIT.
DO NOT POST IN THIS SHARE YOUR STORY THREAD
POST YOUR STORY IN STEP 1-3 FORUM IN THE MANNER THAT WAS SUGGESTED. THIS IS NOT ABSOLUTE; HOWEVER, SIX WEEKS FROM NOW IF YOU WANT TO SEARCH YOUR STORY, AND DO NOT USE YOUR USERNAME TO HEAD YOUR STORY, THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO SCROLL THROUGH THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF POSTS TO FIND YOUR STORY.
PLEASE READ THIS CAREFULLY PLEASE FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS, PLEASE DO NOT POST IN THIS THREAD...
PLEASE SEND ME A PVT MESSAGE FOR CLARIFICATION IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE POST YOUR STORY IN THE GENERAL 1-3 FORUM IN THE FORMAT LISA HAS SUGGESTED IN THE AFOREMENTIONED POST.
For further details, you may refer to a cut and paste of a previously published post where I addressed the reason for such request:
MEMBERS PLEASE READ: re: Share Your Story
Posted Tue, 05/17/2011 - 01:03
Dear Members,
Lisa and I discussed the Share Your Story section over the weekend. I would like to clarify - and I have to take ownership of the confusion because I caused it due to misunderstanding...LOL
Older members may remember, that we once had a separate "Share Your Story" section. That is now occupied by the Steps 1-3 Forum. None of the old stories have been removed, they are still there; however, in error, I directed the "Newbies" to post in the "Share Your Story" Thread at the TOP of the 1-3 forum. So Newbies, I made an error in direction and this is causing a problem as we cannot Alpha search with the stories all gathered in one section. As the thread grows, one will have to scroll through hundreds of "stories" to find the specific one they're looking for. That will be a rather time consuming task.
THEREFORE, going forward, DO NOT POST YOUR STORY TO THE SHARE YOUR STORY THREAD...INSTEAD, SIMPLY POST YOUR STORY TO THE 1-3 FORUM. SIMPLY POST YOUR STORY USING YOUR USER NAME IN THE POSSESSIVE FORM FOLLOWED BY THE WORD STORY. For example: Michele115's Story
Please do not title it anything else. The reason this request is important is that there is an alpha search feature but if you do not title your story using your user name, it will be hard to go back and find your story. The easiest way to retrieve our "Stories" is simply by user name.
If there are any questions, please post beneath this thread so that I can address your concerns. I prefer those questions are posted publicly so that if another individual has the same question, they can find the answer and everyone can get the clarification they're seeking moving forward as well.
In the interim, I will slowly start moving the stories back to the general 1-3 forum so that in the future you can find your stories. It will take some time, and I will leave your ORIGINAL posts where you first placed them UNTOUCHED so that the comments remain and nothing is altered. The exception will be those stories that do not have comments beneath them...those will be deleted and COPIED to the 1-3 forum so that comments can be "centralized" for you story and not in two places. PLEASE CEASE POSTING YOUR STORIES IN THE SHARE YOUR STORY SECTION AND BEGIN POSTING YOUR STORIES IN THE GENERAL 1-3 FORUM ONLY.
NOTE: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO COPY, PASTE OR MOVE ANYTHING I WILL MOVE YOUR STORIES YOU MAY SEE THEM POPPING UP IN THE 1-3 FORUM OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS, DO NOT BE ALARMED, IT'S JUST ME MOVING YOUR STORY SO IT CAN BE RETRIEVED EASILY.
PLEASE DO NOT POST STORIES IN THE 4-6 SECTION AS IT WILL THEN CREATE ANOTHER COMPLICATION.
Thank you...and of course...
Hugs!
DELETED AND REPOSTED IN THE GENERAL 1-3 FORUM, PLEASE DO NOT POST YOUR STORIES TO THIS AREA, BUT TO THE GENERAL 1-3 FORUM IN THE FOLLOWING FORMAT:
"USERNAME'S" STORY
ie; Michele115's Story
See Message Below for more Information and/or Lisa's original post at the top of this thread.
Thank you.
I reposted your story to the 1-3 forum; however, it has my profile and name atttached to it. In order to remedy this, you can simply cut and paste your story then I can delete the copy I made. Please advise via pvt. message when this has been done and I will remove the posting I created for you.
Hugs!
I'm not sure where you find my communication rude; however, to answer your question, the letter below explains explicitly what the mix-up was with the sharing of your story. I don't believe you were a member at that time; however the site gets a very high volume of traffic and there are four moderators, That being the case, if we were to keep stories in this thread, over time you would have to scroll through hundreds if not a few thousand of stories to find yours...something that I think most members would not wish to do.
Since I was the one that initiated the error *see letter explaining this clearly below and/or a copy of the same letter now re-posted above...I had no other recourse but to rectify this error.
You may note there are two forums 1-3 and 4-6 depending upon what stage you're in. ALL stories are posted in 1-3 as when you click on that forum, if you look at the column under subject if you click the arrow on top, you will have an alpha listing. That makes it easier for everyone to find their stories.
So your story is still posted but it has been posted to where it should be. My letter explaining this preceded your action; however, rather than message you and ask you to re-post I thought I'd just do you the favor.
Nonetheless, I don't recall ever communicating with you yet directly so I am not sure what you are considering rude in tone but certainly if there is something you would like to discuss you can always private message me. The only other thing that comes to mind was my "announcement" that your story had been moved. I meant to follow up with you pvt. message but got a bit backlogged and assumed you would have noted why it was moved given the letter posted below explaining where we need to post the stories; however, I do understand how when under stress the focus isn't always there. I'm pretty much "healed" and still have bad focus days...it happens.
Finally - Welcome...I look forward to walking the path with you. I apologize for any confusion you experienced.
she didn't delete it permanently, she moved it so that everyone could find it easier. We aren't supposed to post our stories in this thread, we're supposed to start a new thread. That way we can all see each other's stories easier and find them in a search.
I have to start by saying my thoughts are so unorganized and random. This is the hardest thing I’ve attempted in a long time. Please forgive me for bouncing around. Trying to do chronological order but….its hard to write this.
I met him through a guy I was dating. It was his friend. He was in jail at the time for the assault of a previous girlfriend. Spent four hundred some odd days there. I believed his friends when they all told me that he was in jail because his girlfriend got mad and accused him of something he didn’t do because she was mad at him for cheating on her. Of course I know better now….(saw the video) In the beginning he was so sweet. Took care of his bed ridden aunt every day, not many guys would do that. Also made sure his mom was taken care of, talked to her on the phone several times a day and saw her every day. Very sweet and attentive. Didn’t drink or abuse drugs. He seemed to be perfect.
We lived an hour and a half drive away from each other. I would drive there. A couple of times a week. Eventually I moved there and that’s when it really began. He talked about jail non stop. Everything was when I was in jail or before I went to jail. I was the first girlfriend since he got out. Had been out six months when I met him. He has anger issues. Has a list of people he is going to get revenge on. I’m sure I’m on the list now. He would tell me he was breaking up with me because he couldn’t be with me because I had dated his friend. He made me cry every day. Didn’t sleep in a bed, slept on his couch, had two couches in the living room. When he was angry with me I had to sleep on the other one. He would get angry because his mom overdrew her checking account or something that was going on with his family and then it would start. He would bring up things I had told him about my past which he demanded to know every detail about every one I had ever been with. He would interrogate me for hours said he learned not to let someone leave when they were upset. Would lock me in the house and take my keys and phone and question me for sometimes days….sometimes I would go two or three days without eating. Once it was Monday through thurs. He would say did that happen?…. Are you sure that’s what you want to say because it would be better if it didn’t happen. Then I would change my story and he would call me a liar. What are you going to do to make up for being a liar? I would have to promise to buy him something or do something to someone on his revenge list. He would lay down and go to sleep and I would lay down on the other couch and then I would be awakened by a loud noise. Something being thrown across the room or broken. Then I would get up and it would start all over. Once I went to sleep in the bedroom upstairs and I heard a loud crash and he had broken a chair. He came upstairs and had blood on his forehead and his shirt and said he would have to do it himself. Said he was going to do something to someone and when he got back no one would live… He told me I was a whore because I rode in a plane with someone or rode on a motorcycle with someone. He demanded that I get him weed. I had no idea how to do this? Nothing I had ever done before. When he would run out he would look at his watch and announce the time and say do you have it yet? I would go to the town I had lived in and found a friend who could find it for me. While I was gone he would text be back in 20 minutes or 2X the amount, don’t come back without it. When I got back things would start to be ok for a while. This happened every three or four weeks. He always wanted his time back.
Sometimes my things would come up missing (gaslight) he would insist he didn't take them and help me look for them.
During those rampages he broke many of my things. He had told me I could bring my stuff and have it there because he wanted me to feel at home and then he would get mad and put it in “my” bedroom or break it. He broke or gave away every gift I had given him. A picture I had framed for him. Hurt my feelings very much…. I came back from trying to get some money for him and found him sitting on the floor surrounded by the pieces of the destroyed gift. He once got angry about a job he caused me to lose and took all of my stuff clothes and everything I had there and put it in his moms carport. I got a storage unit and moved all my things into it. I had no where to go at this time so I kept going back. During one of his rages he threw a remote control and hit me above my ankle and I still have a mark. I’ve had a black eye, he excluded me from thanksgiving dinner for that, so that his family wouldn’t see. Swollen lip and the worst was a broken collar bone that I sustained when I tried to leave and he grabbed my hand off the door knob and slung me across the room and I felt it snap before I hit, he thought I was reaching for my phone or something and put his arm across my throat and was choking me…all the time I was saying “I’m hurt I’m hurt” he finally stopped and looked at me and said your collar bone is broken…. Had to have surgery and have a 5 and a half inch scar. Tried to leave and he got in his car and chased me down and made me go back…..
At first the sex was all about me….really good. But he was very big and he would hurt me and look at my face for a reaction and when I asked him to stop he wouldn’t. he really liked anal “the wrong way” knew he damaged me and didn’t care… would make me cry and beg him to stop and would not. He would make me do oral and gag me till I hyperventilated.
He forced me to let him take pictures of me. I cried and begged him not to. but he threatened me and said it would be best to do it. then every time he got angry after that he threatened to send the pictures to people... after I left him he did send them to my exhusband. still threatens me with it. he had several thousand pictures of his victim he went to jail over. He is a monster.
He always said things like " I'm a god and everyone else is mortal" you will never find anyone like me ever. I'm better looking, in better shape more physically capable than anyone" more intelligent. Spent hours looking in the mirror.
There’s so much more. The Cheating, lying... he had met a girl since me and he lied to me and her every day... I will have to write more later but I feel like I’m insane for putting up with this for a minute! At least stupid! He still contacts me. Threatens to come here. Has threatened me many times. Thanks to Lisa for this site. Its going to save me.
I only read about half way through because I knew what I needed to say. This man is an absolute psychopath and needs to be back in jail. I think you need a restraining order on him. I am so sorry that you had to go through this, you did not deserve this and wanted to believe in him because you are a GOOD PERSON.
Please stay with us and start to heal from this horrible monster
Thanks. I will. He threatend me again today. I filed a report. I haven't contacted him and I think the threat was meant to get me to call him but i didn't. I just want him to go away.
I read your story and literally have tears. I know what it feels like to be physically abused, have things thrown at you in anger, have your things broken. I will say your situation was extreme, and I am proud of you for leaving. Go NC immediately, change your number, block his..etc. I think he is P, borderline PD and possibly a sociopath- esp when it comes to women. Please please stay far away from that monster- he is going to kill someone. We are here for you, be good to yourself and heal.
Thank you so much! Its sad that so many people can relate to this. Thank you for your kind words. there is so much more that i didn't write. I feel like i need to. I have stopped responding but that hasn't stopped him from contacting me. Im having trouble changing my number but i will as soon as possible. I can block calls but not texts. I do think that eventually he will kill someone. eighty percent of the time he's ok...but when he snaps i believe he's capable of anything. I am now in tears. It helps so much to know that others care. I will stay away and hopefully he will stay away from me. again thank you!
I'm glad I found this website. It's one thing to read symptoms and signs of N but the real stories from real people was the deciding factor in my "wake up" call.
I'm embarrassed and so ashamed of this but know I have to get it out of my system. As other's have written, I always want to see the good in people.
Last October, a guy I knew in high school contacted me via Facebook. We started to connect right at the end of school. Funny how I look back. He called to ask me out. Not sure if we had a concrete date/time but it never materialized as he blew me off. Then 2 months later, he wrote to me in college (he was in the army) and we reconnected. Then the letters stopped coming and I heard through a mutual friend he had gotten married (6-8 months after writing me letters?) He told me that he got married since he didn't want to deploy overseas alone. Wow...that's romantic.
So...present day. He is recently divorced Fall 2009. (25 years of marriage, 2 girls.) After a couple of email notes he started to call me. (He lives 6 hours away from me but I am in his hometown.) That should have been my clue, as well. I am married (the part I'm most ashamed of) but, even then, folks I've reconnected with on Facebook haven't called me. So....we started talking by phone, email, text, etc. It just escalated so quickly. I had been in an emotionally distant and sexless marriage (years and years). The attention was intoxicating. Funny, this guy isn't even attractive. Barely 5' 7" and shaves his head and eyebrows. But the attention he gave me.... I remember feeling an addiction towards him.
I want to share some of the things he told me. I knew being long distance, compartmentalized and married was so safe for him to share his life. Here are some things that he said that I thought were weird at the time but now it all makes sense in the "N" world.
He travels for work about 50% of the time to thet same place. He met his girlfriend who works at the same place and stays in the same hotel this way. He would tell me over and over that she was an attorney and she was black. (We are white.) He was so enamored by her accomplishment for her "race". (Disgusting) He said his dad was impressed. He told me that she didn't like him at first but obviously does now. After having been with her for several months he said the sexual "spark" was gone. He said after sex he wanted her to leave his hotel room and was annoyed when she didn't.
Then he started telling me about the women he was dating at home. How he was supposed to meet one woman he slept with on their first date and he didn't meet her as planned and she was furious. He told me he texted her "sorry". That was it. How another woman drove over to his place and yelled at him (he said he didn't deserve it...he didn't he do wrong). He talked about a woman I think he loved that he was with while he was still married but she went back to her husband. He had a woman at work that chewed him out (he called me for sympathy) and she told him it was over. He said she already had pictures of her "new" guy at her desk and was bothered by that. He claimed that he was "just dating" and everyone knew that but one time when I texted him when he was with his girlfriend he didn't respond and told me later it "wasn't that simple". Then I realized she had no clue as to all of these other women (let alone me).
We met at Christmas, had drinks, and slept together. I was hoping for affection, warmth, tenderness. OMG....As soon as we got to the hotel his personality changed and he dominated me. Forced me to perform oral sex, asked twice for anal sex (I wouldn't do it), lasted forever and eventually pulled out of me (sorry for TMI) and jacked off and ejaculated on me. He laid down, didn't hold me, I tried to kiss him...no tenderness afterward. He was distracted, said we had to leave, and so we did. (Prior to this, I hadn't had "porn" sex and also hadn't been with a man who was "erect" but said I had to "blow him" so he could get hard??? After he ejaculated, he was still erect. I assume he was on pills.)
Afterwards I was ashamed and thought I'd never hear from him. Well, he continued to text and call and my own moment of truth came when he texted me New Year's Eve from his girlfriend's home (he flew to go there). I thought "why on earth would you not give her your full attention"? Then the contact slowed down -- I wouldn't initiate calls, emails, texts. (I knew he was seeing someone in his home town as he told me about their date the night before he and I were together.) When he did call, I felt this weird "energy sucking" feeling. As I was growing away from him (thank God) I could sense his soul was like a "black hole". Not sure how else to explain the feeling / sense. I didn't like who I was with him and I felt like every call he "took" another piece of my energy / soul. Know what I mean? I knew I had to end it. When I send an email, he texted me really pissed (I had only seen him angry the night we were together when I balked / refused some of his sexual requests). I thought we were done.
Two weeks later he emailed me and said he didn't mean to be rude...blah blah....
In the meantime, I've talked to my husband, am in marriage counseling since January, and my marriage has significantly improved and is on solid ground again.
All along I couldn't understand why he was perpetually unfaithful in his marriage (couldn't stop) and continued to date so many women while having a girlfriend. I now get the whole "supply" thing.
I've read about this whole hoover thing...he has my yearbook and won't mail it. Says he'll bring it in June. I want it back but so many of you say to let it go. I know now he's keeping it to try to see me again.
No contact is the only way I've started to heal....
thank you for sharing your story
please, please, please forgive yourself
I'm married, too...my husband is also chronically ill. The guilt could eat me alive if I let it. We are HUMAN and these monsters are so good at manipulation, they can "smell" our weakness, I swear they can!
Like you, post N, I'm working on my marriage and things are better. They will never be the "dream" I had of N & I but thank god they won't be the horror of the reality of N, either.
Forget the yearbook, it's not that important in the scheme of things. It's not worth risking letting him back in.
Even after all of this, I am focused on what I've learned.
I was oblivious to mid-life dating sex and STD's. That alone scares me into not be unfaithful again.
If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am in my marriage today.
My husband and I have renewed our sex life. I had forgotten how loving it can feel. It is night and day to be with him vs. the N. My husband is so unselfish in that way and so caring. (I'm ashamed I couldn't tap into that prior to getting together with my N.)
For those who are back on the dating scene, you deserve to have someone love you and show it and mean it. You deserve to have someone who respects you and shows you that in their actions.
I was married/with my ExN for 12 years. I have to tell you he was very attentive sexually with me. He always made sure I was pleasured. He did not treat me like the NS 1, or 2-3 night stands he had with others. I know this from text messages I found deleted in his smart phone, which we addressed in counseling. He never got off with the NS sexcapades (he did with me), he was always drunk with them (not with me), and he never went down on them (always with me, and two of the NS sex partners he had were furious about this because apparently they had gone down on him.) When I kicked him out, he brought it up and was like, "I pleased you sexually, you don't appreciate it." No, it's not all about sex, not what I am looking for here..it's about trust and love- and I don't have that with you N. He thought I should worship him for pleasing me, since he treated others sexually so poorly. So so typical of N's.
I had to go to a clinic and get tested for std's after I discovered the truth. It was humiliating and I'm still not in the clear as one test came back as "possible recent exposure to herpes"
I was such a fool to believe his load of crap and have unprotected sex!
Hello Ladies,
I'm so glad to finally have found a place where I can express myself about my relationship with my N husband (we are now unofficially separated- I just packed my belongings and left last October). The more I read about N the more I feel I'm not crazy and that I am really doing the right thing by staying away from him as he and his N mother would never change and would had just continue to make my life a living hell if I had stayed.
I met him back in our home country where I had a great job, friends and was living my life as an independent young woman. I, however, had recently ended a 2 year relationship with a drug-addict. My N husband (and he had not being diagnosed and will never be as he will never accept going to therapy) presented himself as everything I had long wanted: a hard working individual who cared about me, loved me, didn't do drugs, loved his mom and was willing to give me the world. The red flags were there but I chose to ignored them, although my gut was telling me something was off. He told me he loved me a week into the relationship, he presented himself as the victim in his last relationship, he said we were going to be together for ever and that I was different than any woman he had met.. romantic..NOT. He brake up with me every so often with whatever excuse just to see me pain and then when I was ready to move on he'd come apologize and I'd take him back.
I moved to the US to be with him as I really believed he was only lacking real love to get over the insecurities he had towards relationship. I was going to show him real love. After we got married, everything started changing, it wasn't a sudden change so I couldn't really figure out what was happening: He smoked weed all the time and I mean all the time, him and his mother displayed a really sick relationship were no boundaries were ever set, they would talk about our sex life and yet they manipulated each other just to get what they needed as they did with everybody else. I was completely isolated, had no friends or family where we were.
The torture began 3 months into our marriage when he decided he had had it with me as I was not what he had expected: silent treatment would go on for weeks and I literally felt I was disappearing, he would go out at night stay over night or come home really late, lay down in the same bed with me without even acknowledging I was there, he would tell me he had married me only to help me get here but he never truly loved me. Then whenever he needed something from me he'd apologize, charm himself back into my heart until getting whatever he needed: sex or money for the most part.
Sex became unbearable to me: I stopped feeling loved, attractive or appreciated, it was all about him pleasing himself. He'd come awfully quickly and blame it on me. He manipulated the idea of marriage and family I had in my head and go from "I can just see us getting older together and having grandchildren" to "I have no feelings for you anymore." in the same day. His mood would constantly change. He was out and about, but he came running asking for forgiveness whenever I made plans to go out myself. He demanded money, he smoked pot with his friends in my house, yet I was constantly reminded of how lucky I was to have found him.
His mother was out to get us apart and suggested I moved on and found myself another man, while telling him I had cheated on him. She gave him condoms one day in case he was having sex with other girls, because she didn't want him getting anyone pregnant and I THANKED HER for that, like she was doing me a favor. He believes he is a earthly God with music talent beyond believe (and his moms re assures that image) He thinks he's going to become a millionaire and really has a way of charming himself into almost any woman's affection. I later on found out he had broken up with his ex gf (before me) while they were still living together (she is also from our country) and had no family she can turned to, he had told me she had cheated on him but she had never cheated on him, she had been raped! I found a bunch of naked pictures of her and another ex in his email from when we were already three months dating. He to this day asks for pictures of me too.
I moved out of our apartment in early August, after one night I was sure he was going to hit me as I had told his mom about his drug use and how he had gotten fired from his job for stealing. His true self was exposed and he couldn't deal with it. Of course later on he convinced her I had made the whole thing up. I got a good job and roomates and starting accommodating to a life without him in it. He showed up saying he had gone to church and God had spoken to him abut saving his marriage and his family.
It took a month for me to take him back and I turned out to be pregnant. I moved us into another apartment and helped him get a job. Later on I found out he had had sex with his mom's friend the month we were apart. I cried my soul out but he said it was not cheating as we were not together and I was acting like a soap opera actress crying so much. After that all he did was complain that I was tired, feeling nausea and not wanting to have sex with him three times a day (all due to my pregnancy) He stated he hated my pregnancy and that the baby was tearing us apart. I was devastated beyond control -he finally had broken me- I found out he was texting with this girl he had met at work, he denied it for days until I gathered enough proof and kicked him out. He was gone for 10 days and not once did he call to see how me or the baby were doing.
One day his mom called and asked to meet with me: they had decided that the best for me was to go back to my home country and had my pregnancy there, come back have my baby and the States and then they'll figure out the rest. That was it: I didn't want to put myself or my baby through their pain and manipulative ways, I saw he had never loved me and was never going to love me or his child. As heartbreaking and difficult as it was for me I decided not to continue with the pregnancy. I simply ran.
I started reading about N but wasn't sure whether he fit in as he did call me a couple of times and apologized for having walked out on the marriage and the pregnancy. I realize now thou that during those long conversations he didn't cry once when I was devastated and he kept switching the conversation to how he was feeling and never acknowledge the fact that I felt miserable. He has only appeared via txt,phone calls or emails three times since I disappeared on him -always very dramatic "how he has seen the light and is ready to change" how "he is sorry about what happened and willing to do anything to get back together" how "I'm his wife and I belong with him"- Those seem to alternate with the few women he had dated since I moved out. He always send me his songs and expects me to confirm he is the best musician, which he is not, he contacts me when he is broke and needs money, still even through emails he can go from "honey I love you" to being a cold stone.
It's been a roller-coaster: dealing with N and his abusive mom, dealing with the fact that I married a man that existed only in my head, dealing with my abortion -this last one hurts like hell as I did love my baby but I know I did the right thing for me and my baby- and trying to quite the little voice in my head that says I want him back. I am in therapy now and really hope to find my soul that got lost in all of this: I feel like dead. My heart goes out to all of you ladies who have been close to a N.
I hope my life would not be judge, there isn't much to judge anyways as I am now a single piece of the joyful puzzle I once were. Good night
your story is so honest and pure, and that tell's me a lot about your good heart. I have a couple of similarities with you. On one occasion after my exN came crawling back, he told me he had an "epiphany." They use any means to justify their actions and exploit weaknesses we have for their benefit. He probably sat around thinking, "Oh, she loves God..I will use that to get back in her bed..I need sex desperately." That's exactly what he thought.
The other interesting similarity is that my Mother in law was also interfering in our marriage and thinks her son is perfect. So does his dad. From research, i can tell you that N itself goes all the way back to childhood. It can stem from a traumatic loss, abuse (emotional, sexual, or physical) and it can also come from a child being raised like a complete spoiled brat. Remember this one day when you do have children of your own. And you will have them, hopefully with a much more stable life and with someone who has the ABILITY to love and care for you and child.
Everyday will get better. Don't hold it in, get angry!!!
Not only did he use god. He used his kids, his dead mother, and suicide. I mean you should've saw it , it was an oscar winning performance. Uhh the fake tears that "almost" ran down his face. The sad look of despair. The I miss all this and I swear to god and my on my mother's grave I'm serious this time and I love you. OW dangled a few bucks in front his face and he was gone like the wind. I asked him what about all those things you told me . He said what things? As if he had no recognition of anything. Like those 10 days never happened. smh
They know who you are, they have studied you perfectly, they know what you want the most out of a relationship and they know what you value the most in life. They know you are a good person and what your weak points are. He always used my dream of having a family and kids to charm himself back in. In the last "romantic" email he sent he said how much he had missed me, how sorry he was about the fact that he walked out on me and how he was now READY to start a family with me, the woman of his dreams. NC from me and he's back to dating the woman he had cheated on me with a week later....
I take his email and respond "Aren't you just full of s***?" No response from him
one thing I have learned from reading about NPD is that they have short term memory. You know how you study and cram for an exam, but the following week you can't remember what you studied? That is the way N's are with their relationships, and emotions. That is why they don't have the ability to bond. It is a self-protective mechanism inside of them. Yes, they crave love even more than normal folks- which is why they are insecure and seek out NS constantly. But, in a flash, like short term memory-they forget about it, they don't care about you, they have no conscious, and they don't care. It is like a switch for them, they are hard wired very differently than we are. Since you had a long term relationship with your N. he probably did mean that when he emailed you, but he forgot that feeling and message very quickly and moved on. He doesn't think about you, unless he needs something, because now he has new supply. You see, he is protected and his own worse enemy. He does want love, but he will never get close enough or be consistant enough to get it. He sabotages himself. You can do better, work on you and do not have kids with this monster. Or you will end up like me, 13 years later, with 3 great kids and still..a monster for a husband. There is no cure, we have been to counseling repeatedly. Move on with your life, find someone who isn't as F'd up!
Words to share in the hope it will help you move on....
My story
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aka1984's Story
aka1984
This is so confusing!
Aka1984
she didn't delete it
Wacaet
deanna's story
Deanna
that is terrifying please
that is terrifying please
so so sorry
mynewlife2011
Naive46's Story
thank you for sharing your
appreciate your comment wacaet
sharing because it might help someone
I had to go to a clinic and
Dulte's Story
sweet dulte
Mines used god too
Thank God for emails
short term memory