Being stuck in the "inbetween"

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#1 Apr 19 - 4PM
Steph
Steph's picture

Being stuck in the "inbetween"

For anyone here feeling at a stand still with recovery....

After I worked through Lisa's Steps 1-3 and moved into the next stages.....something was still keeping me "stuck".

I had "got it out" and detoxed from the brainwashing, the fog had lifted.

But....I then became stagnant for some time....like my progress came to a stand still.

yes, I was healthier emotionally; back to work, laughing again, enjoying my friends/family, getting out into the world.....but something was still holding me back and keeping me stuck.

For me, what kept me "stuck" and prevented me from moving forward, was feeling like I still needed to know that I was important to him.

Even though I knew from everything I read and from everything my therapist discussed with me about these people, that it wasn't really possible for me to have had an impact on him....I still needed to feel like I did.

My ego would not let me move completely forward, because I still did not want to accept that I meant nothing to him. I did not want to accept that everything "special" I thought I had with him....he has with whoever he is with.

He lives "in the moment" and maybe thought he loved me "in the moment"....but he does that with EVERY woman....therefore, making me insignificant and replaceable.

I didn't want to accept that to him I was insignificant and replaceable.....so I kept allowing myself to think that on some level, I meant something to him.

It was easier to do that than to wake up and be real with myself and accept the reality that I was nothing to him.

It was painful to really, finally let that go...

I was not the exception. I was not. Once I dealt with the pain of that.....I eventually started moving again.

I think if we are finding ourselves "inbetween" the "getting it" phase and the subsequent "continuing to move forward" phases....then likely there is still something there that we aren't dealing with or being honest with ourselves about.

For me, it was hanging on to the hope that even though I knew he was disordered...I still wanted to feel that I impacted him.

Once I faced that and really let that idea go....I became less stagnant and started moving forward again. That was my experience.

What is yours?

What do you feel is keeping you "stuck"??

Apr 25 - 4PM
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Certainty about Everything

Excellent thread, thank you. One thing that I was absolutely certain of during my marriage was that I was loved by my N. I remember thinking that everything else could be worked out - I hadn't figured out what he was at that point. Then, once everything crashed in around me and exploded I realized that everything I thought was - wasn't...and everything I thought wasn't - was. Coming to terms with living a lie is not easy. The truth is horrifying and at times unbearable. Getting my mind around it all and sifting through the wreckage had me stuck for months...soon I'll be N free for 8 months...but it's finding certainty again.
Apr 25 - 9PM (Reply to #48)
Steph
Steph's picture

Sanity Check

8 months N free.....fantastic accomplishemnt! It is not easy, as you say....coming to terms with the truth of them. You have "sifted through the wreckage" and are on your way to the other side. hats off to you. xoxo
Apr 25 - 8AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

Wanting to know I meant something

This was probably the very underlying reason I broke NC and wanted to wish him well, I wanted to see if I ever meant anything to him, I mean why would I want to wish someone well that did that to me? Well I found out that I meant the same thing I did to him as the day I left, sexual perversion supply. I am on a long list of many he recycles for this very reason. As many of you have pointed out, the reason we never meant anything to them is part of the disorder just as the reason he is so damn sexually perverted and demeaning to his victims is also part of his disorder. I KNOW I have "nice tits" I dont need a PDI to validate that for me, and as sick as that sounds that is what it comes down to with this disordered character. I could have been a scholar, centerfold, gold metal olympic athlete, made half a million a year, best housewife in the world, and that would STILL be all I meant to him so its not a reflection on who I was as a person, its what he ONLY SEES in women. I am learning to understand and accept that this disorder is the only reason that is ALL he saw in me and what I meant nothing to him in the meaningful sense. Its the supply this particular sociopath seeks as his drug and he does it to all his victims. OF COURSE he sees I had good virtues and characteristics but he doesnt CARE about those things, those are just an added bonus, he will also take someone who cant read or write after all what he wants doesnt require one to read or spell. Do you think rapists only rape women that have great qualities? Same concept, why would a sexual predator care what special attributes a person has. I just raped someone that has a masters degree and it was better than the person I raped that had no degree, that is the line of reasoning I have to understand with this predator. What I have achieved and accomplished in my life or what my personal qualities are has no relevance here to what his disorder is. He is a predator to ALL accomplished women, and women who are much more accomplished that I am. It was hard to see that and understand it. But I think I finally GET IT. I was treated like a whore by this person because that is how he views all his women and that is HIS sickness NOT MINE.
Apr 25 - 1PM (Reply to #46)
Steph
Steph's picture

neverlookback

I love EVERYTHING you wrote here. You have broken it all down so accurately, great insight. "What I have achieved and accomplished in my life or what my personal qualities are has no relevance here to what his disorder is. He is a predator to ALL accomplished women, and women who are much more accomplished that I am." Yes! Our great qualites are just an added "bonus" as you say....but in the end all we mean to them when they have us is "supply" in whatever form, sex, status, etc. Great insight! xoxo
Apr 25 - 10AM (Reply to #44)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Oh my gosh, thank you...you all are a godsend.

I cried so hard when I read this. You could not have taken the way I feel and put it into words any better. I have been stuck and couldn't understand why...until I read your post. I was naive and refused to believe I wasn't some how special. After all, he told me I was...but this is what he tells EVERY SINGLE ONE of his victims. In my case, the N was second person I have ever been with...I didn't know that men like this existed and could be so cleverly disguised. He lied to me, told me I mattered and all the other lies they tell. I only wish that I had been forwarned about men who are N's. The advice on here has done nothing but make me feel empowered...strong...I can't thank you enough. I felt like I was walking in the dark all alone until I stumbled upon this website. I couldn't stand to look at myself and now I look at myself and am nothing but determined to recover...because I know I can. What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger. ((Hugs to you all))
Apr 25 - 1PM (Reply to #45)
Steph
Steph's picture

TovaBella

The exN was my second serious relationship as well. My first N was physically abusive, so when I met the second one and he wasn't "hitting" me and was so sweet in the beginiing and saying all the right things, I thought 'wow" I found a great one. I too, did not realize how cleverly they disguise themselves. Little did I know that abuse comes in many forms, not just physical. Anyways, so glad that you found this website.....it saved me too:) Keep up with feeling empowered and happy healing! xoxo
Apr 25 - 7AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

stayingstrong78

I think mine is the same thing and I thank you for posting this. I think mine is a pride issue where I feel I must have meant more or mean more than these other women. It's so hard to get past that point. Hard to let it go. It's also hard to let go of the feeling of love for the person. I guess I don't have to and can always have a place in my heart, but know that I cannot be with someone that hurts me and treats me like this. It's wrong wrong wrong. I've noticed time does help, but I still think of him off and on daily. Not fully like I was, but he's still in my thoughts and I hate that.
Apr 25 - 1PM (Reply to #42)
Steph
Steph's picture

happy1

This needing to feel "special" by them thing seems to be a VERY common thread in what is keeping us stuck in the "inbetween". You certainly aren't alone! xoxo
Apr 25 - 8AM (Reply to #41)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Happy

There is no magic pill, to erase the damage these idiots cause. Time and NC is the only answer! For me, I have no hope of anything where narc is concerned! they are list souls in life and I don't want anything to do with him again! Hunter
Apr 25 - 1AM
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Great thread SS78!

I'm so happy you wrote this thread. It took me a long to time to finally let him go-meaning I know with out a doubt, I'd never take him back. I have said it before, but I was in such denial that I honestly believed I wouldn't, but I'd take him back. I now know I won't. I think I have accepted that I never meant anything to him. Pondering over his actions of the past 4 years shows me he didn't. Its like our whole relationship never happened. That is devistating to me. Its so sad and scary!!!! I'm even crying as I'm writing this. Where I am stuck is that I still struggle that he replaced me so fast for this younger female and seems so happy with her. I think about them together. It's horrible. But I quickly replace the thought of how badly he was to me and she can have him... But what if she truly makes him happy? I also struggle with the thought that I repulsed him and being with a younger girl is so much better for so many reasons. Its taken a huge blow to my self esteem. This is where I am stuck. -obsessing about them, her and low self esteem.
Apr 25 - 1PM (Reply to #39)
Steph
Steph's picture

TLSM....

"But what if she truly makes him happy?" This is an article that I think will help you with that thought... http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors/discussions/messages/10860586 xoxo
Apr 22 - 4PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

hi ladies, Its been awhile

hi ladies, Its been awhile since I posted. Ive been busy rebuilding. I have got myself back to where im no longer angry with myself for not indentifying him ealier for the cruel bastard he is. As my daughter and many others have said to me, you could never have seen it comming. Im still sometimes amazed by his inablity to reflect, to look inside to examine and correct his path. He is unchanging day after day. Hes empty. My self esteem is not at all dependant on his whims anymore. He didnt give a shit about me or I was everything to him. probably both of these are true and probably he still thinks in this divided screwed-up way. I dont care anymore. He's dysfunctional in all the ways that count. He's is now also the most calculating, crue,l mean bastard ive ever come across. I was just blinded at times by his fake charms. So I treat him like the mental paient that he is. When he rants.Im passive, when he screams I tell him to lower his voice, when he manipluates and tries to control I dont engage. I walk away and punch the pillow. I have sad moments like today realising he goes of to his family for Easter without a thought for me thousands of miles from my family. but these moments come less and less now for me.. Time is slowly healing me, and Im talking small steps with my own apartment and financial healing. He is cancer. What we do with cancer is we have it cut out and burnt away, then we move on with treatment and heal.
Apr 25 - 1AM (Reply to #37)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Love your post, fooled no longer!

Loved this... "I dont care anymore. He's dysfunctional in all the ways that count" Damn straight!
Apr 23 - 11PM (Reply to #36)
Steph
Steph's picture

fooled no longer

I am happy you are no longer angry with yourself. That is a huge step....getting out of the self blame etc. And your daughter and others are right for telling you that you couldn't see it coming. It can happen to anyone, no one is immune to their ways. Sounds like you have made a lot of progress in your healing. I love that you said: "My self esteem is not at all dependant on his whims anymore." That is awesome and worthy of a huge high five!!!! It takes ALOT of strength and growth to get to that point, I think. Good for you! So happy you have reached this point. You will do well with the rest of your recovery, healing, and life, I'm sure. You sound very strong! xoxo
Apr 22 - 3PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

this is a wonderful thread!!

omg...I love what you posted here. I'm not kidding. I think I was important to him on some level. But, not as the person ''I am.'' But, as the supply I provided. No doubt, I'm great. lol :P But, IF he hoovers again, it's more about trying to reel me back in as supply...and perhaps, now...revenge. Than anything else. I think once we make that cognitive connection, we stop walking down memory lane, and wondering why, how, if only...and we can truly move forward. This is a great thread, thank you!!!
Apr 23 - 11PM (Reply to #34)
Steph
Steph's picture

Deidre

"IF he hoovers again, it's more about trying to reel me back in as supply...and perhaps, now...revenge. Than anything else. I think once we make that cognitive connection, we stop walking down memory lane, and wondering why, how, if only...and we can truly move forward." You are catching on so quickly! and doing amazing! keep on keeping on strong one! xoxo
Apr 22 - 2PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

What's keeping me stuck is

What's keeping me stuck is his insistent hoovering. I know from past relationship failures that if he just moved on with his life, I would just slowly forget him and that would it. It wouldn't bother me any more. Instead, he keeps reminding me of him with these hoovers. I can't really block him any more effectively than just not going on the site we both use, which is too high a cost because it's such a good site and I have lots of friends on there. I'm also afraid that if I did leave the site, he'd start some other form of hoovering instead. At least the hoovering so far isn't too big a deal. But it is an insistent nagging that won't go away.
Apr 22 - 3PM (Reply to #30)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

pretty peeved

First {{hugs}} I know it's hard when they hoover. But...remember. Hoovering is a ploy. Not an attempt to court you.
Apr 23 - 2AM (Reply to #32)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

His tactics are, as you say,

His tactics are, as you say, all about getting attention, and (so far) it's limited to just that site. He could text me or phone me but for some reason doesn't. I'm wary that if I stop going on the site, he'll start phoning. What he used to do before I went NC, is he would just visit my profile and then leave without saying anything or doing anything. That leaves a track because you can see who has visited your profile on the "home" page. It was a simple little way of saying "here I am" and then waiting for a response - which he got 9/10 times. In the end I went off on one at him for doing that. Now, having gone NC, I have blocked him so he can't visit my profile. What happens now is that if I start a topic, he will very often post on it. Although I can block myself from seeing his postings and his topics, it doesn't block him from seeing mine. You can also tick or cross postings, which he does a lot too. It's annoying, because the blocking isn't really very good. I can't see his postings, but if he posts to a topic I'm tracking, it will still tell me the topic has been updated - I just can't see the update. Also some topics appear in a special area as being matched to your interests, or simply because they're popular, and it doesn't block his topics there either - I can still see them. Yesterday was one of the worst. I had gone on the site, then done other things for several hours, then when I went back on the site I found he'd posted inane crap on topics I'd started (I could see this because other people had quoted what he'd said), and he'd crossed several of my postings and ticked others. It was like he'd followed me all around the site. It's just the same crap as right from the start - letting me know, any way he can, that he's there and trying to get a response from me. So far I haven't responded, but I've been tempted to tell him to stop - I just know it's more supply for him though. None of it is a big deal as such, it's just that I want to forget him and it keeps reminding me of him. I'm tempted to pay him LOADS of attention and be all over him because I know it'll drive him away again, but I bet he'll be able to tell the difference.
Apr 22 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
Journey
Journey's picture

Deirdre

I am so glad to read that you broke up with him!! (I'm assuming you are talking about your recent psycho boyfriend and not the previous narc). Congrats girl! and I think that staying away from that web site for awhile is a very smart move. xo

Journey on...

Apr 21 - 1PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

The same thing

This is the exact same thing that keeps me stuck. I want to feel more special that those other girls he is with. I want to think that I meant something to him. His family and friends have always told me that he was different with me than any other girl. So I keep thinking that I am. Still to this day his family will tell me that they can tell when he is talking to me again because I am the only one that can get him to do somethings like hanging out with his family or calling his little sisters to check up on them. So in my head I feel special. I feel like deep down he has to have some feelings for me. He of course tells me this too. "You are the only girl I have ever gone back to". "You are different" "You are a good girl, I should of never left" "Its been a year since we broke up and I am back. That has to show you that I care." So it is this that I can not let go. I want to fight for it. I want to know that he cares on some leave. I want to be the exception.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Apr 21 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
Steph
Steph's picture

I think the fact that you

I think the fact that you have given him SO many tries, tells you that you HAVE fought for it, and fought hard. It's a losing battle with them, and it always will be. Of course you want to be the "special" one....we all do. You just have to stop expecting to get that "special" status from HIM. He is not able to accurately assess anyones worth. You are special and you are worth sooooo much more than the crumbs he gives you, at his convenience.
Apr 21 - 12PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I think for me if im being

I think for me if im being honest what keeps me stuck is the thought of him doing a serious hover and i dont mean a half hearted bored hover attempt that they have been i mean a full on "im sorry i love you i will change " and to get a blast of that fake love energy again . I dont know how i would handle it and thats the truth , it frightens me because although i am 16 months out and am not brainwashed anymore and i can see just what he is but i do still love him . Loving him keeps me stuck . I need to fall in love with someone else and i know that will happen but all the men i know at the moneht dont stand a cat in hells chance of me loving them . So i wate ... and wate ...xx
Apr 21 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
Steph
Steph's picture

scoop

you keep on waiting, lady scoop....because good things are in store for you, including a man that will love you and WON'T play games with your heart, or mishandle your heart.
Apr 21 - 12PM
jen79
jen79's picture

I can relate

But thats behind me now. I was stuck in "why doesnt he love me" for 2 years. Then I accepted he cannot love me, and then I came to the point where I realized he doesnt even like me!!!! LOOOL. To be honest, this made it easier for me, to face the fact, that he doesnt like me, and he never did, even in the beginning. Its important to let it really sink in. Not only to drift away with: he cannot love anyone, he isnt capable of loving...at the end, this doesnt matter anymore. But I am still stuck in, I want to be loved and valued by "someone". There is a little voice in me, that is stuck there. I dont like it, cause it distorts my view of life so much, while I have to make important decisions, where my life is going now, what I wanna do with my life, carrier and relationships. I want to get past this stage first, before I make any important decision, cause it could lead (again) to a wrong decision. Anyway. Its indeed important to accept. Acceptance is the key. To accept them for who they are, and accepting the fact that they didnt love you, and in my case, didnt even like me that much. Big hugs
Apr 21 - 9AM
marlaoryx
marlaoryx's picture

I Meant Nothing To Him

I remember the first day I realized these words were true: I meant nothing to him. I was coming home to an empty house after an event, and I said it out loud. "I meant nothing to him." And it hurt like hell. Not only that our short-lived love affair meant nothing, but the (I thought) deep friendship that proceeded it meant nothing, too. I cried, and I said it over and over and over again. Shouting those words to the stars. Over and over until I stopped crying. Until it didn't hurt as much. Until I understood that was the reality. And here as I type this again, months later, it still hurts. And I cry again. The first time in weeks now, but the pain and sadness of the loss of who I thought he was is still with me. And I meant nothing to him.
Apr 21 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
Steph
Steph's picture

Thanks for sharing that. I

Thanks for sharing that. I know how hard those words are " I meant nothing to him". Gutwrenching pain. I know for me anyways, it was when I FINALLY acknowledged that that I was able to accept him and the relationship for what it was and stop dwelling or secretly wishing he would change. It's tough but it can only get better from here:) xoxo
Apr 22 - 1AM (Reply to #23)
Journey
Journey's picture

Yes!

100% agree! "...when I FINALLY acknowledged that that I was able to accept him and the relationship for what it was and stop dwelling or secretly wishing he would change." I was stuck in that place for a long time for much the same reasons you mentioned in your topic post. When it really sank in that I meant nothing to him, for the first time I felt unstuck. It didn't happen quickly, it had to almost seep into my awareness in order to accept it in a whole body kind of way, gradually, otherwise the pain would have been unbearable. It took months of reading on this forum and much analyzing before I 'got it', but by George... it's felt so much better now on the other side of that hurdle :)

Journey on...

Apr 20 - 1PM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

Great post!

I think I am stuck because I am still hanging on to the idea of wanting to hurt him. I want him to chase me so that I can say no over and over to him like he did to me. I know that I will never truely move on until I can give up on this. I guess that even if he does chase me it would only be for sex and attention. Therefore I am never going to be able to hurt him hte way I want to. I need to accept the fact that he never did and never will want me for true companionship. He only wanted to use me.
Apr 21 - 12PM (Reply to #20)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

exhausted

Not on topic but i love youre pic on this board .. its great xx