I don't know how to stop the madness. Terrified.
I don't know how to stop the madness. Terrified.
I havent gone back just once or twice, I've gone back dozens of times over the past 3 years. I look in the mirror today and I don't know who I am and I know I really despise myself. There used to be so much beauty in me. A lovely, giving person and now I'm jaunty, untrusting, angry, bitter, cold and confused. I did what so many have done and exactly what he wanted. I no longer have family relationships and all of my friends are gone. I chose to isolate myself from everyone because no one liked him and could not understand why I was even with him. I felt like I was fighting the world to be with him so it must be worth it. It was perfect for him, I could be always ready to cater to whatever he wanted. He bankrupt me financially, emotionally. He left me homeless and penniless and thought nothing of it. This last time I honestly thought he was trying to do things differently. I thought I had forgiven him for all the past use and abuse of me. I thought the relationship was going better than it ever had when actually I was still doing the same things, whatever he wanted so he would be happy with me. I think at this juncture I've completely lost all sense of anything I knew to be normal. I'm so angry that I have verbally blasted the scum bag over and over and over with all the ways he's violated me, how much I loath him and I still don't feel better. I'm just lost.
I have severe PTSD. I'm too ashamed to reach out to anyone. I've cut so many people out because of him. I figure this is my karma. This is exactly what I deserve. Now I am the pathetic, crazy person he's always told me I was. I've turned the rage on myself and I feel absolutely hopeless. I am exactly who he said I was. No one can love a crazy person. I was always strong and competent and I'm so weak now. Not only weak but I'm so alone. I spend entire weekends in bed and I cannot get this creep out of my head. It's so weird when we're not together I feel like I miss things about him but when we're together I fricken hate him. I've never behaved like this in my life. Every relationship I've had in my life, every single one of them are still my friend. I'm 44 years old, I was married for 14 years and had several other long term relationships. I have never felt like this. Sure I've been hurt but the more he hurts me the worse I do behave when D&D arrives. He behaves badly then I lash out and then I'm bad because I've behaved inappropriately so of course, I'm the bad one or at least worse than him and he's out of the picture again until he's horny or broke or missing someone to cater to him. There is no calm when dealing with him. My span of feeling resentful and angry is MUCH shorter than 3 years ago. I could go months of being walked on, manipulated out of every nickle, catering to his every need until I was so exhausted and now I cant go a week. I feel so classless and embarrassed about how angry I've gotten. He just took so much and I let him. It's hard. How do you pretend to put one foot in front of the other long enough to survive until your real legs start to return? I'm a mess.
Epiphany- Please
I've found more
I fear you may be going
"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess
Excuse me?
Jaded
Doing Good!
Thanks everyone
Jaded
Jaded, good work!!!
spinning
Jaded 66
Wow
Jaded...
My heart hurts for you Jaded!!!!!!
DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM HIM
We ALL have PTSD I imagine
Who or what is at the root of
Yep, what seems to be the
Enough
Again, I'm coming in a bit late here
Jaded
ideal (and Lisa)
ifinallygotit
Thanks Lisa
Jaded....my heart is breaking for you
Monica
Not knowing abuse
So with you so with you please know that
Dearest Jaded
Jaded66
Jaded