When with a Narcissist................
Often in the beginning, we feel special, lucky, chosen. Wow, he wants me and he wants me with such vigor. This must be love. Why else would he act so smitten so fast and "make me feel" like I am the center of his universe?
Once you FEEL this, this all encompassing "love" and attention, it's tough to LET GO of it, even years out, when you know there is much much more to the story of the so called, love of my life encounter.
Meanwhile, once HE has you hooked, he pulls back, he lets his hair down and begins to find fault in the very things about you which he claimed were your endearing traits. He may do this subtlety, it may be overt.
Generally in the preening stage, all he wants is YOU, someone like YOU.
Once his mask begins to slip, you may hear or see him taking an interest in other things different than you and the persona in which he initially presented to you.
You become confused, I thought he only liked certain TV shows, or he only liked blondes, or thin and so on.
You may comment on these inconsistencies, at which point he will accuse you of jealousy or insecurity or that somehow you misunderstood what he said or meant.
You will find him pulling away from the things you once shared and thought were special between the two of you. Narcissists fear intimacy and losing control.
Giving you their all is simply an act to suck you in, it is the furthest thing from the true nature of a narcissist that you will ever find. They simply don't do intimacy.
What you thought you had was an act from them. You felt it, they did not.
You become increasingly confused and unsure of yourself due to these changes.
Naturally you ask questions or comment on these changes and this confusion in you.
Initially they will minimize this and imply that you are WRONG. Nothing has changed and all is well.
As you persist, and their mask falls off completely, you see their rage and utter distain for you.
After all, you are getting too close to the truth and they are NOT going to have any of that.
They kick it up a few notches and put you down even more.
They shout, you are the problem, who could possibly be happy with such a flawed human being as you?
You may panic, feel you have entered the Twilight Zone.
You may try harder and or tell them to GET OUT of your life.
After all, you do know deep down inside that this person is F---ed.
You may take a cooling down period and begin to question yourself.
Maybe it's me, he was so great in the beginning. Perhaps, I have caused the relationship to disintegrate. Panic sets in, and you do NOT want to lose this opportunity at real love.
You may apologize, vow to try harder to please him and "work" on the relationship.
You give him another chance.
This is the WORST thing you can do with a Narcissist because NOW, he knows the cycle is complete.
You are in the game and most likely will NOW put up with all of his games.
He has you exactly where he wants you, he even smirks to himself, what a fool, what a sucker.
I can now do whatever I wish and she is so STUCK, HOOKED on me, that I have the dumb bitch blaming herself.
The sun is shinning in Narcville.
You may see and feel this on some level, yet by now, you feel helpless to fix or change the cycle so you go another round or two, until the next time, the next time, the next time.
Occasionally at this point he throws you a bone, just to keep you thinking he still loves you.
You look at yourself one day in the mirror and barely recognize who you are.
Where is the strong, pretty, confident person you once were?
You have been Narced and have been sucked into a vortex of darkness, pain, breakups, makeups, and severe self doubt and loss of self esteem.
You feel like, you cannot live with him or without him.
Your friends no longer want to hear about it, they only want you happy, and figure if you keep going back, even though you complain about him, you must be happy with him on some level, even if it is an unhealthy one. They are at a loss as to how to help you and do not want to be a party to watching your decent into hell.
You try to reason with him, yet the relationship does not get better for any length of time.
You begin to lose your spiritual values and settle for situations which prior to the narcissist you swore you would never put up with or would never put up with again, if you had found yourself in similar situations in the past.
You put up with the weird sex, or lack of, the cheating, the lie's, the constant lie's.
By now, he routinely tells others that you are a nut job and how can he possibly be happy with such a troubled woman as yourself.
Poor Narcissist, heck, he even has others feeling sorry for him for having to cope with your obvious dysfunction.
You are shocked by these revelations, yet not shocked enough to get out.
You still find yourself, justifying, explaining, and defending yourself. Like you are in a war and he is the enemy in which you now need to prove yourself on a daily basis.
WTF, have you gotten yourself into? What you going to do to fix this, make it right, make him love your again and think well of you again?
At this point, he may even utter, fix yourself, where is that strong, pretty, confident person I fell in love with?
You try to get out, end it, and he either belittles you or begs you to come back, that he cannot live without you.
You see, he doesn't have the capacity to love you, yet he will be damned if someone else is going to come along and take what is his.
He worked for you, if even minimally, and he has now claimed ownership. Narcissists routinely want nothing to do with you after the D&D, until someone else shows an interest or you appear to be getting strong again and on with your life.
He is not going to do right by you, however, no one else is going to get you either, not on his watch anyway.
Some do move on when you are no longer any use to them, others allow you to pull yourself together and then take another go at you once you are looking and feeling good again.
It's a mixed bag depending on that particular Narcissist and his particular deal.
That's it in a nutshell.
How does this apply to you?
What can YOU do differently this time around?
Are you back in the game for a few more rounds?
Or are you willing to face some facts, anxiety, and the typical withdrawal symptoms while disengaging from a toxic narcissist relationship?
Yes, there are withdrawal symptoms from a toxic relationship.
Withdrawal does not = love or desire. It = withdrawal from abuse.
There is a big difference.
We unravel and begin to FEEL again when we are no longer in the clutches of our abuser.
It's a detoxification process and NO, it does not generally feel good.
It sucks, the truth will set us free, YET, feeling the truth is generally not pretty, especially when we have been living in denial. We need to allow our minds, bodies, and spirits, a chance to heal and face the truth in peace. Allowing his toxic influence during this period is counterproductive to your growth and healing.
Going back to crack is NOT the cure for crack addiction.
You have been traumatized by years of lie's, mind games, conditioning, abuse, manipulation, and brainwashing.
You need to buy yourself some time to deprogram and in time you will see the light, the truth, and feel better.
Together and Healing,
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