Step 5 – Wake Up

While chatting with a member today regarding how much we give to the Narc and how little we receive in return a story came to mind regarding a therapy session the Narc and I had with a Psychologist and how it relates to my family of origin dynamic.

This is Step 5 work, Wake Up, so if you are new and do not relate to this right now, no worries, continue to keep working the first 3 steps for now.

Step 5: We tap into the power of our mind to awaken our spirit and find ourselves again.

My mother was a major giver, she was always giving people little things and doing things to make them feel special. She did it with us, up until she passed away, and she taught me to be a giver. Even when my father was a complete prick, she still went out of her way to make him feel special. There was no cause and effect. He got rewarded regardless to how he treated her. This was her nature and she did not withhold if she was treated badly.

Watching this as a child, set the stage for who I would become. There was no decernment, my brother would act up and be horrible and she would not punish him or teach him, she was the same regardless to what he did, my father was punishing all of us so much that she probably felt bad and did not want to add to what she saw as the abuse. The problem was that we did not respect my father, so we did not learn anything from him and we looked to her for direction, so you can see how this dynamic was created.

I grew up and repeated the cycle.

I went to a therapist a couple of years ago with the narc and the FIRST thing he said to me was, you do not know how to set limits or set bounderies with the narc, you were probably this way with your son as well. I said, what do you mean, a bit defensively? He said, Goldie, you teach people how to treat you.

He was the first one to ever say this to me, in that way. He said, I bet the narc treats you badly, no birthday present, steals your things, damages your property ect... and there is no consequence, correct? I said, well he is a grown man, I cannot tell him what to do.

He said, yes you can, my wife does it all the time, we negotiate. You train people how to treat you. I am like WTF? How do you do that? He started laughing and he said, you kick him out and do not speak with him again. He will learn. I said what if he doesn't? He said, then you end the relationship.

I was floored by all of this. I went to therapy with the narc thinking that the therapist would say what an asshole the narc was and I am being told basically that it is my fault.

Whew!!! Took me awhile to wrap my brain around all of this. Then slowly I began to clear up and realize that he was right. This was of my own making. I did not want to lose the narc or make too many waves so I was putting up with completely unacceptable behavior and my Mom, unknowingly, had preened me to be a giver no matter what the circumstances.

WOW, major aha momment.

The other side of this coin was getting MY needs met in a relationship. If I am doing all the giving and there are no consequences for what they do? Then where am I in all of this?

I am not. I do not exist, it becomes all about keeping them happy, not making too many waves, and getting completely lost in the mix.

Again, WOW, another aha momment.

So now what? I get it and HOW do I CHANGE this? Hmmmm... good question.

If I have now become someone who is more comfortable in the giving role and do not appear to know how to be comfortable in the receiving role, then how do I ever get my needs met?

This is my challenge in recovery, to learn to accept the giving when it is offered and learn to say NO to myself when I want to give to someone who is not worthy and deserving of the giving and say NO to abusive behavior.

This all was so ingrained in me that when a nice, loving, giving man came along and wanted to love me, I had no clue how to accept it and let him in. I had created a box in myself a no win situation where the good ones got repelled and the so called bad ones, the PD's, were let in with ease.

This for me has been the crux of MY disorder, never mind theirs. Theirs is not my problem anymore or my concern, my issue's are my concern.

Today, I try my best to turn this all around because now I am aware of what happened, how it happened, and that ME and only ME has the power to change this. I can only change myself; no one else. What they are doing or not doing is out of my control and frankly not my business. I can only work on myself today, no one else.

I am the Captain of my own ship and if I don't like someone's treatment of me, I can set them free, which also set's me free.

Lot's of Love,

Goldie