Zamer1230's Story

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#1 Aug 4 - 9PM
Zamer1230
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Zamer1230's Story

Just starting

Hi all...this is my first day writing to the forum but I've read Lisa's book and have been glued to everyone's experiences for the past few days. My experience is sadly similar...tragically similar...and pathetically similar. The more I read the more I feel like such an incredible fool. My story begins with finding out that I have a brain tumor and being very afraid to have a pretty intense surgery...I just got out of a detrimental relationship and met the most handsome, beautiful, blue eyed man of my dreams...this was months of crying my eyes out over...what was his name again???
Anyhow...my narc had me so spellbound that I stumbled over my words (for the first time in my life)...what the hell was happening to me? He was so polite and his smile...omg...that smile came so easily...he asked for my number and ACTUALLY CALLED THE FIRST NIGHT HE TOOK IT!!! This guy was a keeper! Something had to be wrong!
...But things just got progressively better...oh except when his ex was knocking on his window that night...she was a psycho and we hadn't had slept with eachother yet...he was so perfect...why wouldn't she want him back, right? Oh yeah, and the psycho ex-wife...but she didn't bother me, she only made his life a living hell...he was an excellent father...
We were getting along so well...vacations in Dominiczn Republic for my birthday, Bahamas and summer in the beach house...well...actually I spent the summer there but his son plays on three baseball teams and one is a travel team...and the kid's mother is a psycho and can't be bothered going, so he goes, and is such a dedicated father, and I think may even be coaching the team...or at least one of them...
...then came the unexpected pregnancy...after the brain surgery...and I was not about to give that baby up...I told him he didn't have to be a part of it...but he is so amazing that he insisted on being there the entire time...except during the morning sickness when he was working late or when I was carrying low bc his son had basketball , or when I had carpal tunnel...bc he had to be the football coach...or name another random sport...
...so out comes the most amazing child in the world...who happens to be born sick...dad tries...but he has to work late and mom is "finished" recovering(not) from all of her trauma and needs to go back to work teaching (on no sleep)...and dad does not live with mom but finds time to work out and spend time with his son...he threatens to miss the baby's christening bc I asked him why he would be late and decided that staying out all night without calling was a better idea than being a responsible, respectful father. ( we were now living together)
Six weeks later I developed another brain tumor and had to undergo radiation...he gave me an STD...and denied it was him...baby is stil sick...crying all night...and he leaves for work 3 hrs early every night... he threatened to kill himself because he hated me so much and I drive him so crazy...he wanted me to watch his brains all over the house so I could remember it for the rest of my life...it was then that I was informed not to ask questions...important or not to make him feel attacked.
Sometime soon after he left for the first time... The rest of the next 4 years went relatively the same way...I did the crying and begging and pleading for him to come home...he granted me my wish when he felt like it...I fucked our daughter up bc I made him leave...and (threw him out), which I never did...and was a screaming lunatic who is over emotional. I look too much into things and I turn things around constantly.
My husband asked me for a divorce bc I took too long at the bar with his friends at a party and he couldn't eat his food...he was embarrassed...he made me go the next day to the lawyer and draw papers but is dodging them...now he constantly asks where they are and tells me he will go the the lawyers office to get them...as of yet he still has not gone there...this began in July...
I still feel like I am going crazy and cannot break that tie...that gnawing feeling that I lost the game...that a man with no feelings keeps on plugging through life not knowing how he steamrolled an innocent, emotional person.
I am a train wreck. I am a disaster. I am anxiety ridden, I have a beautiful little girl that I cannot fully enjoy bc I am fighting to survive emotionally. I cannot get out of my own way. And although each day gets better...when is his day? I am not talking vengeance...I mean, he will never feel this loneliness, this hurt, this pain, this negative self concept...this hyper-awareness of who he is...
That is only a minute portion of my drama infested, chaotic story...thank you for listening. It almost felt good to purge .

Aug 5 - 6AM
Zamer1230
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Thanks...

Aug 5 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
abreva
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You will get it. You will be okay.

Aug 4 - 9PM
Jenna H
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Zamer

Aug 4 - 9PM
abreva
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Welcome