You know you're healing when....

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#1 Aug 5 - 9AM

Deidre40

You know you're healing when....

Thought this would be a helpful thread …to share our healing stories, and how we know we’ve arrived at healing, or are getting there. I’ll share my thoughts…

You know you’re healing when:

• You hear various snippits about his life, unsolicited by you, and you don’t care—it’s like you’re hearing about a complete stranger
• You no longer peek at his/her FB, myspace, twitter, etc…
• You are comfortable with NC—it’s no longer a struggle. In fact, you don’t even label it ‘NC’ anymore.
• You don’t care what the person thinks of you anymore (I remember early in the healing stages, obsessing over what he was telling our mutual ‘friends’ about me, whatta waste of time!)

Ok…your turn. :=)

#2 Aug 7 - 9PM

grace67

For me... I guess I know that

For me... I guess I know that I'm healing because I suddenly realized while reading this thread that I don't go to sleep at night praying to just die. The pain was so intense I honestly didn't think I'd survive it. But, I have! (in large part thanks to reading reading reading.. in this forum and so many of the great links you all put up.) Also, lately friends and family have needed me again. Nothing major, just to be there to help out at times. (I remember during one conversation my X and I had, when he was projecting the whole "why are you so depressed" thing, and I told him "all I need from you is to Be Here.." he couldn't, wouldn't. I had other, normal, things to deal with, so he ramped up the internet "relationships". Getting source from his adoring fan club.. ugh) And I've been Able to help out..sometimes just by Being there. It actually felt SO good to finally be able to do that again, without the chatter, CD... that had become my constant companion.

#3 Aug 7 - 4PM

Susan32

When...

-On those rare times you break NC, you end up BORED instead of tearful, longing or smitten. You feel like you've had chamomile tea&all you want to do is go to sleep. Because he was that much of a drone. Reading his writing evokes YAWNS rather than pain. Or perhaps laughter, if his grammar is THAT BAD. -If you met the woman who married your ex-N/P, you'd greet her with her a hug, a polite thank-you... she'd probably wonder why. You don't see her as a rival, but as a sister. -You keep confusing him with your toddler nephew, because he has the same mentality&self-absorbtion, and their fathers have the same name (and Harvard education) If you've seen one tantrum-thrower, you've seen them all, and you know how to calmly, coolly, deal with it. You get a change of diapers! You look for a teething toy! And you conveniently forget your former N is nearing 50. Mistakes happen, 'cause we're human. -You hear about wildfires that possibly have toxic radioactive fumes back where you knew your N/P, and you don't feel disappointment or longing. You simply take it as a sign that God doesn't want you to go back there anytime soon. -You're not afraid of "War and Peace." You think it would make a great GLEE musical.

#4 Aug 6 - 12AM

Arwen

When I look at his photo and

When I look at his photo and his face looks scary, sinister, nasty, dumb and his eyes look dead just like every other psychopath.

#5 Aug 5 - 10PM

Puzzle

Suddenly you like yourself

Suddenly you like yourself again and feel positive about yourself, you don't sweat the small stuff, obsess about his behaviour or actions. You don't feel constant dread, depression and anxiety. I am 3 months out of 5 years and I have to say I never knew how depleted my self esteem was until now. I thought I was the one with the problem, but since he has gone I realise it was his projection all along. I view the world differently and realise the possibilities life has to offer. The sun is shining again!

#6 Aug 6 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

Deidre40

Puzzle

you said that so well...I agree about lessened anxiety. I don't have that anxious, heart racing feeling like I once did. I remember just hearing his name (like if someone else was named the same name) I'd cringe. But, no more. I know what he is. I remember wanting others to see him for what he is, but I've now come to the conclusion that a narc's 'pals' are either like him/her, or they are minions, just followers in need of a 'leader.' So, I no longer fight that battle in my mind. I can't change him, or his minions. I had to let go of all that anxiety that was largely wrapped around wishing/hoping people would see him for the jerk he is. But, I am of the belief, that good people...who have fallen prey to his deception...will learn the hard way, like I did. I know of a guy, who is part of his minions. He used to be kind, caring. In 6 months of befriending the ex N...he has all but bashed his wife online, and talks trash about a ton of people...always gossiping. I thought to myself, be careful who you align yourself with. The ex N has something these men want. I say men, yes. Men seem to ''worship'' him. Married men find him appealing, because he seems so in control of his life. Meanwhile, he's had a bunch of failed marriages, kids he has never met one time and ignores, and spends oodles of time online, trying to be a kingpin on websites. It's like really? This is who you people 'worship?' It's mind blowing, but how I know I'm healing, is I see it for what it is, and it no longer depresses me. It would really get me down, his minions...but, no more. People have to learn stuff the hard way. If they wanna hang out with a bad guy, they will become bad, themselves. Water seeks its own level. Thanks for bringing this important point up, puzzle.

#7 Aug 5 - 8PM

Journey

You know you're healing when...

- Hours go by and you realize suddenly you hadn't thought about him once. - Days go by and you realize you haven't cried about him once. - Months go by and you realize you no longer even consider checking messages or emails in case HE called. - You don't want to know anything about what he is doing or who with. - You catch yourself laughing and smiling again at simple pleasures in the moment instead of reflecting about the past with narc or future without him. - You go to bed at night with only a book to read and your cat to keep you company, able to stretch out over the whole bed and THAT feels good enough to create a smile on your face and good night's sleep. - Conversations with your friends no longer keep going back to narc and your pain... you can listen again. - You are content to be living again on your own, making up your own mind and doing whatever makes you happy - because for now, that is all you really need. - You can objectively see him for what he truly was with you. A lying, using, manipulative piece of shit that muddied up the purity of your love and the clear waters of your good intentions, ever more threatening the deeper you got. - You are grateful to be pulling yourself up onto dry land again. Out of breath and weakened perhaps, but knowing the experience made you a much stronger swimmer - aware of all the hidden under currents that dragged you down so as never to jump in blindly to such murky, yet initially inviting waters, ever again. Journey on...

Journey on...

#8 Aug 5 - 6PM

Susan32

When...

-You are able to ridicule the N/P. In other words, see them as the clowns that they are. I used to take the ex-Psych prof SERIOUSLY. His opinions used to count. His ever-changing views on me used to count. Whether he was nice to me or not used to count. Whether he was straight, gay or bi... used to count. Not anymore. -You are HAPPY that you're no longer with them. The ex-P's wife would probably be shocked if I gave her a big hug, thanking her for saving me from what would've been a nightmare marriage. Considering how the ex-P wanted me to envy her... well, I don't. I would've been miserable. Beyond miserable. She didn't steal him from me. She didn't rob me of some great prize, of a man who I'd want to spend the rest of my life. Not at all. Getting him OUT of my life was her unintended gift to me. I do see it that way... as a gift.

#9 Aug 5 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

susan

omg, susan...when you share your stories...they are so funny. i know not at the time. i've told you that before...i don't laugh at how you were treated. not at all. but how you tell a story, just makes me laugh...he sounded like such an absolute ass!

#10 Aug 5 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

Thought of a custom t-shirt for the ex-Psych prof..

During the final D&D, one of my friends said, "One day you'll see him as a cartoon character. One day you'll be laughing at him." At the time, I was sobbing, bawling, crying myself to sleep. The light at the end of the tunnel... was FAR FAR AWAY. That was 11 years ago. At the time, I was in pain. My friend thought I was taking baby steps towards healing when I participated in the senior skit (it traditionally mocks the professors)... and that I starred in the closing scene that mocked the ex-P. Interestingly, I didn't script that scene. My classmates saw him as laughable... and I starred in it... as myself. Curing through theater(!!!) Those were baby steps at the time. "He sounded like such an absolute @$$"-I thought of a t-shirt for him "I put the @$$ in Massachusetts, and the bore in Borodino*." I'm glad I didn't marry him. His wife has been with him for a decade... she can KEEP him. *The Battle of Borodino is where the Russians defeated the French in 1812. It's important in "War and Peace",of course.

#11 Aug 5 - 6PM

Deidre40

I wanted to thank everyone

I wanted to thank everyone here for your insights and comments. Read everyone's thoughts, and comments...you guys ROCK. We should be proud with how far we have come. But, to tell someone new to healing...new to NC...that it will take time...is a hard pill to swallow. I remember wanting the nightmare to be over like the next day. lol But, it takes time, and everyone takes the time HE/SHE needs. I will say if you don't stay NC...and don't work hard at getting your life back, your progress will take a very long time. Maybe you'll never fully heal then. And why hold your life back anymore than you already have? God bless you guys...**group hug** :=) Keep up the good work.

#12 Aug 5 - 1PM

Bitter-sweet

When

suddenly you start to feel good about yourself again- and this has abosllutely nothing to do with him.

#13 Aug 5 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

Deidre40

bitter sweet

amen!! I can't believe how much time I wasted worrying about what he was doing...and not doing. And didn't think about myself enough.

#14 Aug 5 - 11AM

fooled no longer

I wake up in the morning and

I wake up in the morning and start planning. my day. I still have no answers, and Im not sure where the next bit of work will come from but Im optimistic and trying hard. The house is quiet very quiet. hes not shouting anymore im so grateful. I enjoy nature and small things i stood in the rain today it as great. I have not had a panic attack for a long time. I used to get them every few hours. Music is now my healing, not something I avoid. I once cried for an entire 3 days without end. That has stopped too. I dont cry at all. In the worse times I used to think it would have been so much easier if he had died, and I could mourn. But now I realise he is dead to me.

#15 Aug 5 - 10AM

Lobo555

When you hear a hugely

When you hear a hugely triggering song and stay in the room instead of leaving so you don't have to listen to it anymore. That's what I'm doing right this second. Staying put. F you Beyonce! :)

#16 Aug 5 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

bakingfortherapy

Beyonce...

But Lobo she now has the song.. THE BEST THING I NEVER HAD!!!! AWESOMEE!!

#17 Aug 5 - 10AM

spinning

Great thread, D!

I'll add: *When I feel fortunate that he's no longer in my life. *When I can't think of any good he brought into my life because there was none and that's the unvarnished truth. *When I want to help others more than feel sorry for my little wounded self. *When I am filled with joy, because it's a new feeling I never ever felt during the whole six years we were together. *When I am grateful for my blessings...which are many because I see them. "I was blind and now I see." IT IS BLISS. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. I CHOOSE JOY!

spinning

#18 Aug 5 - 10AM

Sparrow

Diedre

Well said.............so very true! Keep up the great work! Smiles

#19 Aug 5 - 10AM

Layla

You know you are healing............

When you would rather discuss your own personal healing and not even think twice about what the N is doing or not doing on facebook. ; ) Haha! : ) I "second" everything you wrote Deidre!!!! And the No Contact is easy for me because I really can't stand the bastard....hahaha!

#20 Aug 5 - 10AM

SoaperGirl

I knew I was healing when...

I'd wake up in the morning, and he was no longer my first thought. As soon as I was awake, I was busy planning my day, and then it would suddenly dawn on me that thoughts of him were merely an afterthought. He was no longer the the primary focus of my life.

#21 Aug 5 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Sparrow

Soapergirl

Way to girl girlfriend! You are well on your way! Glad to hear! Smiles

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