You can't control him; but you can control YOU!

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#1 Feb 17 - 3PM

Deidre40

You can't control him; but you can control YOU!

Many of you remember my story from last year (and another narc I dated prior to that narc...I promise, I'm done with narcs!)

Well. What I gleened from NC is this. That we can't control another person, but we can control OUR ACTIONS. OUR REACTIONS. When he ignores you/gives you silent treatment...you can't control that, but you can stay silent. When he texts you ranting and raving...you can't control that, but you can stay silent. When you look at his facebook and want to blow a gasket...DON'T. STAY SILENT.

NC IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER. It heals. It really brings clarity, and peace of mind. That is how we regain OUR control over our own lives. For a long time ...we have let narcs control us. But, if you want to change...heal...and never darken another narc's doorstep again...take control over who you are and what you want out of life.

NC will put you in the driver's seat again of your own life. You can't change if he's fucking 1000 women a day...or if she's fucking 1000 men a day...and this is all unfolding on FB...but you can choose dignity. You can choose to stay silent.

It took me a long time last year to get this, but once I maintained NC...(the narc went nuts, and started hoovering big time)...it gave me my life back.

Just wanted to share this with you all, especially if you're struggling with the overall concept of complete NC.

#2 Feb 19 - 2PM

Emmy2002

Thanks

Thank you Deidre. I tried your advice about tiny morsels & it worked Friday & Saturday. But today it did not work. I will try to take control & have NC. So today I am going to look at houses for sale on line to change my son's future & mine. I'm also going to bake chocolate chip cookies because you said morsels!! Plus my son is begging me to make them!!

#3 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

Emmy

May I ask what happened emmy? like looking back...what do you think caused you to break NC? So you know...I broke NC a few times before 'i got it right.' lol It takes practice like anything. We got 'used to' abuse. Seriously. So...when you break away from abuse...you feel like you're wandering out in the wilderness...lost. Unsure of life. Unsure of who you are. For many of us, (and where we were in error)...is we looked to men (and for men, looked to women) for validation and approval. Take away the person who gave that to us...and you feel a little lost. NC helps you to discover who you are...your likes...dislikes...what you will and should accept...and should not accept...for yourself. Without another person telling you so. We all want validation in life, of course. But, what we were seeking with these men, was far more than just a person's normal need for validation. But, NC is one of those things that only gets better with time. The first 30 to 60 days are very hard. Even at 90 days, it's hard. I won't lie. But, stick with it...and you'll see. After 90 days...is when the rainbow pops out. :)

#4 Feb 19 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

Snowflake

Emmy

Did you break NC? What happened ?

#5 Feb 19 - 9AM

Alissa

Deidre

Thank you for this powerful post!!!!!!!!!

#6 Feb 19 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Snowflake

Instead of controlling him

look at you...isnt the best revenge to look after your health, your beauty inside and out and to grow as a person.. I love books :) My new one is fab, its not N related but its fab The Success Principles..Jack Canfield..look it up on Amazon, its not a new book its been out a few years but its really good makes you accountable.. Its easy to pity party, woe is me and thats part of recovery but take a look at this book x

#7 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Deidre40

snowflake

you're a really beautiful soul, snowflake. it comes through in your words. your ex was a fool to ever let you go. all the ladies here are amazing. it breaks my heart that we were all treated poorly by others. but we learned! and that's what life is all about. we shouldn't run from suffering. (although it sucks at the time) sometimes, in the suffering...is when we blossom. {{{hugs}}}

#8 Feb 19 - 9AM

Maya (not verified)

Timely and powerful

Thanks Deidre your message was very important for me on Friday. I struggled all night to stay no contact and read this several times between deciding whether or not to pick up the phone. My dignity (important word here) always kicked in when I realized that my call would be one of those calls that always came in on Friday night when we were hanging out. Invariable there would be a mysterious call around 9 or 10 which he would let roll to voice mail, or often run over and actually UNPLUG the phone. One weird pecadillo of my N was did was a luddite that did not own a mobile phone, so his phone was always a clue that something wasn't right. The sad part is that I knew he was constantly pursuing other relationships, I let it coninue safe in the knowledge that I was the #1. One final wake up call was hanging out with him and his 17 year old son one day and realizing that the son had been around when the N was with his OW, hence was complicit in the charade that I was in a monogomous relationship. That bothered me more than anything.... that the son would think I had that little self esteem to let myself be treated that way. Well here I am 47 days nc and taking it one day at a time, and though I still feel terrible,I know the answer does not lie in contacting or speaking with the N. Passage of time is key though and I hope time flies to get me to 2 months, 4 months 6 months out; then I will know I'm really safe and free.

#9 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

Deidre40

Maya

Ooohh...so glad you maintained silence! It is hard. I think in part, because we seek closure...but because it's just hard to stay silent. In some ways...WE feel bad. Even though we shouldn't, we feel bad 'ignoring' someone. But, once you're well into NC...say another month or so...you'll realize ...NC is all about you. It always was. Of course, for most narcs, NC throws them for a loop, because they expect us to chase them. But, truly...nothing can be earned with words with a narc. There's just nothing left to say. You come to the point where you realize...this person doesn't care about anyone...not me, not the last wife...gf...etc. He doesn't care. And then you get to a point...where you will no longer care. You will look at that person as truly just a distant memory. Not even a bad memory, for in the experience...you grew. You can do this!!! I love your name by the way...it's so pretty. :=)

#10 Feb 18 - 1PM

Deidre40

you both will make it

you both will make it through...it takes time, patience, work. it takes work. lol and then you know, it comes to a point...where you have no more words. you just look back at it and shake your head. and think...did that REALLY happen to me? lol and it all slowly fades. of course, depending on if you have kids with the person...marriage...etc. my relationships with narcs were very shortlived...only a few months, but for me...it wasn't so much severing the ties with the narc. it was severing the ties with an abusive childhood. that was what NC also meant for me. it meant finally coming to terms with why i tolerated abuse from men ...where it came from...and healing. eventually...you will no longer wish to text...phone...hear from the person...because you will just have nothing really to say. they are who they are. for whatever the clinical reasons. and moving on and reinvesting your time and energy into yourself and those who care about you...will make a lot more sense to you, than sitting around hoping an asshole approves of you. lol seriously. you'll get there...stay strong!

#11 Feb 18 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

Snowflake

Deidre

Thank you hon, like you I have issues from childhood that in a way I am projecting onto the relationship with the N..if that makes sense. I am a strong woman, but because of my childhood unresolved issues I allowed him to a place I should never have done. I wouldnt have done that with anyone..it took a special kind of person..but I ignored all the red flags..there were plenty..right from the word go. I can name him a wanker, a vile person BUT I have to accept some responsibilty for not saying NO I WONT ACCEPT THISx

#12 Feb 18 - 2AM

Littleone

I too needed to hear this...

I too needed to hear this... I've just ended things(or trying to) with my second n :( You are right...there is dignity in my silence ...that is how it will end.

#13 Feb 17 - 3PM

Deidre40

and dare I say. when he went

and dare I say. when he went nuts over my silence? it did bring me a teeny weeny bit of satisfaction and closure. that's the byproduct. N's don't expect their prey to go silent. I'm not a revenge seeker. But silence wins this race!

#14 Feb 17 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

Snowflake

Deidre

thank you lovely lady, just starting out ..again..on NC..longest 8 days, I needed to hear this so a big hug your way x

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