you are not THAT special

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#1 Sep 24 - 3AM
jen79
jen79's picture

you are not THAT special

just wanted to share a thought with you ladies.

I see how many ladies struggle here after the D&D and when they moved on to the next supply. I know how this feels. I realized the biggest problem in this, is my EGO. Lets be honest. We are hurt in our egos.

Everyone is unique, but never assume you are so special, that you are the exception. We are conditioned by movies and books, where this is a common topic - assclown is changed by the special angel woman. Forget it, its a fairy tale.

So a little bit humbleness please! You are not that special - you were the rule - accept it. Dont crack your head about somehting, that even a therapist can do, healing a narc.

Hugs ladies!

Sep 24 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I think this is plain old

I think this is plain old "maturity" that you speak of, Jen :) The irony is, that once I realized that the way my exNarc treated me had NOTHING to do with me, that is was his mental illness, it was a blow to my ego, a huge slap upside the head. I had to ask myself "What is so important/unique/special about ME that I can shake my fist at God that my Narc acted like a Narc????" I don't get mad at my dog (too much) when he treats me the way he does, barking at me, jumping on me with muddy paws, getting into my garbage if I stupidly toss chicken bones in it. He's acting like a damn dog. My Narc acted like a damn Narc. And I acted like a damn victim LOL!! It was after the end of this relationship that I finally accepted I was SO un-unique, unspecial. Nonspecial? LOL. I was one of many, many many. And thank God for that. I also had no trouble "getting" the man I wanted. And I was always the one to break it off. I had a LOT of ego to burn through, lemme tell ya. When I forced a separation with my Narc, he behaved as if losing me was NOTHING. He was more pissed off about his chainsaw being locked in the shed than losing me. Getting real about ourselves is part of healing and maturity in general. It is a blessing of peace to let go of that bloated female "ego" bullshit.
Sep 24 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Oh, and don't forget . .

Oh, and don't forget . . . On the other hand, we are TOO damn special, too valuable, too worthwhile, good stuff, to be treated so horribly. People who do not treat you with respect, who fuck with your head and heart, we are WAY TOO special for that! It's sort of like we get our specialness upside down and backward. We give our ego too much importance in the wrong way. Be too special, unique and valuable as a woman to be treated like shit by some Narc. Dump his ass and move on to someone who can treat you right, as you deserve. Use that sense of "specialness" to work for you, not against you.
Sep 24 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen79

I think you hit it precisely. I'd like to think of myself as special...but then again...aren't we all?...
Sep 24 - 9AM
jen79
jen79's picture

and we dont need them to feel good

there are other ways. I read somehwere that a partner can balance your hormone sytem, thats why in asien traditions they do all kind of stuff lifke mediation, yoga, taich chi, qi gong - cause these things balance your spirtit, your body, your hormone system as well. I read about that lately a lot, how yoga can help you to find balance not just in an airy fairy way, but scientistic proof has shown, it balances your hormones. And its true, after you feel like a baby, you sleep well, you feel like you had sex, a massage and a man sleeping spoon with you....Hugs.
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
better off
better off's picture

Sign me up!

Sign me up!
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
jen79
jen79's picture

sorry cant edit my posts any more

when I am excited I write like the devil, sorry english is not my mother language!
Sep 24 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Jen

I really do agree that most if not all of us have a very very hard time letting go of the narc because we ARE special-the exception. I have always been able to get the noncommittal man to commit, the wishy washy guy to fall in love with me, etc. I remember the first day I talked to the narc and he said, "I've never found anyone I really thought was special enough to marry" and I automatically thought, "Until now. Just wait till I get you." Very, very arrogant, no? It's tough, tough, tough to admit to myself that, nope, I just didn't do it for him. And maybe that's because nobody can do it for him, but I think I need to learn a lesson here, too: love isn't about breaking someone's will, and having someone fall in love with you shouldn't be a project I plan. I know that was a big part of the problem--I always finish my projects, but I couldn't finish this one.
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
jen79
jen79's picture

exactly

me too, I was the exception to some idiots before - this didnt made me happy either, just the first moments maybe, the thrill of having changed someone (not really). I think we still have the believe, that a man contains somehow our happiness, and the ultimate happiness is to hold an assclown, who told us in the beginning he was waiting for us fro so long and now finally found the right one. What really made us feel so good in the beginning - they provided the connection to our true selves. We felt incredible unique, we enjoyed life and loved everyone around us, even our crappy jobs, stupid siblings and the harrassing baggar on the street. We were in heaven literally. The only false believe we have is, we think we need someone to tell us we are so wonderful to feel that way. And then they D&D us. We fall apart. Isnt there something very wrong in that picture? Maybe they did us a big favour, even in buddhism they say, your worst enemy might be your best friend on a higher level. Cause they show us, the MR. Right is not outside of us, in it IN US. Thats where you get your power back, you know you are capable of love and joy, thats the gift the narc gave us - to show us we can be that, feel that, live that....we just dont need them for that. Thats our false perception. Did the crappy job, the stupid chief, the stupid sibling, the baggar on street really change at this time? No, our perception of the world changed this time. This is how you create the reality, change starts within you. First you have to laugh, before the reflection in the mirror smiles back at you.
Sep 24 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Jen

I really do agree that most if not all of us have a very very hard time letting go of the narc because we ARE special-the exception. I have always been able to get the noncommittal man to commit, the wishy washy guy to fall in love with me, etc. I remember the first day I talked to the narc and he said, "I've never found anyone I really thought was special enough to marry" and I automatically thought, "Until now. Just wait till I get you." Very, very arrogant, no? It's tough, tough, tough to admit to myself that, nope, I just didn't do it for him. And maybe that's because nobody can do it for him, but I think I need to learn a lesson here, too: love isn't about breaking someone's will, and having someone fall in love with you shouldn't be a project I plan. I know that was a big part of the problem--I always finish my projects, but I couldn't finish this one.
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
better off
better off's picture

Then do you see how it's not

Then do you see how it's not even about HIM, and that you love HIM, and have to have HIM. HE is not that great. It's the idea of it all that drives you. It's like they say about clubs... the harder they make it to get into, the more people want to get in, and the more they will do to get in. The more exclusive it is, the more desperate people are to be included. So these narcs act like they are some kind of exclusive club... only they'll f**k anything with a pulse, or in mallory's case, a chicken out of the fridge, so I don't see anything terribly exclusive about them. And in a way, that's the way THEY are... they only want you if they can't have you. Once they get you, they don't care.
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yes helldweller I have had a

Yes helldweller I have had a tough time with that too. Honestly I have gotten every guy I wanted. The Narc is the only one I didn't however I did manage to make him crazy jealous on a few occasions.
Sep 24 - 7AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think everybody is special

I think everybody is special in there own way. I totally agree that it can be the ego that hurts to some extent when you get D & D'd by an N but for me (I have been with an N/P and a N)it was more how someone so horrible, violent(N/P was terrifying)and not even have a conscience or try to put it right. Although they do try to when they are hoovering you but then when new supply comes it's there toast is done we can pee on the fire. I have been out with guys and they haven't been for me but I didn't use them for what I could get, make out to love them, put them down, gas light them and them move on and dig the knife in whilst doing so. For me it is not that I think I am so special just that I have been abused and had trouble getting my head round how they can do it without even blinking to decent caring people.
Sep 24 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

CarolKittyGale

You have explained EXACTLY how I feel to a tee. My N/P was terrifying at the end too, I'm still having nightmares. Thankyou, your post has lifted me :) x
Sep 24 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

desprathousewife

I split with the N/P 8 years ago and he still tries to get back in my life (although since coming on this site I have found ways to blank him)and then dozy moo that I am, two years ago got involved with an N although he wasn't violent like the N/P loads of mind games that triggered the damage the N/P done (7 months NC now..hurrah!!)...it wasn't until I started to research, read and came on this site that I got myself in a better place....isn't having the knowledge wonderful and what an apt name for the site....it wasn't us that had something wrong with us honey....it was ALL ABOUT HIM...laugh!!! Big hugs desprathousewife it's a big world out there and they are all waiting to meet us :-))
Sep 24 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Heres to a better place :)

Yes having the knowledge is wonderful. Goodness knows where I would be without it, he has tried hoovering me back since ( only because he's desperate for me to drop charges against him I think). Without this knowledge who knows, I may even have been stupid enough to go back. Sorry you had to go through this twice. I think I may also, my first love in my teens was abusive too and I vowed never again grrrrr. Well done you on 7 months NC, mines 7 weeks today :) Big hugs back CarolKittyGale, I'm looking forward to meeting that big world out there again sometime in the hopefully not too distant future :) xxx
Sep 24 - 7AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes Jen

you are correct. Mine even told me I was the exception to the rule. Yes it hard to realize that I was just a number to him. An "Ex" I was out of his life for 15 years cant imagine how many "Ex's" he racked up during that time though he told me he had only been with two women during those years. One for nine years and one for 6 years. Yeah I bet. Every time I think of how many women that man has slept with my skin crawls
Sep 24 - 3AM
jen79
jen79's picture

I ment

what even a therapist CAN NOT do...sorry...boy did I reach the acceptance stage, you can tell!