The "you are crazy" Game

I had no history of mental illness before I met him.

During our courtship and engagement I became increasingly anxious and depressed.
He suggested medication. He was a doctor.
Everyone knows that if you are having a hard time, a little help from a pill won't hurt. Right? I went on medication for depression and anxiety.

My mood and anxiety worsened, my world got smaller, he was the only thing I held on to.

I married him.

Remember: I had NO history of mental illness before I met him

Immediately he broke out the DSM and explained my mood disorder, depression, personality. Whatever. It was all just jargon.

He pulled stunts and I reacted. I reacted with greater passion, upset. Whatever words to describe. I was angry upset shocked. "See????? See, your MOOD is LABILE! You have a disorder. I can help you!!!"

Then I got pregnant. He pulled stunts. I felt trapped. Should I abort? I tried to get help. The helpers didn't help. He was a DOCTOR. Right? I had won the prize! Married to a DOCTOR. Doctors are great, right? Now I know better.

I was sick and trapped during pregnancy. I reacted to his Narcissism/Psychopathy (though it would be YEARS before I had a name for it).

After birth, I was trapped. I had been so sick during pregnancy. I needed to recover. He kept me awake. He raged. I was trapped. He got so loud about my 'mental illness'. He appealed to the OBGYN, he appealed to my mother, he threatened to take away my child, threats, drama, spitting on me, horror.

See -- it was a game. He was aiming to get me a history of mental illness to hold over me during our marriage, so that he could medicate me and control me.

OH it worked. I was fine until the massive amounts of drugs happened. I mean, I wasn't FINE, but I had my head on straight. But then, I got this diagnosis of Post Partum Depression. It was a great way to control me. Right? I was SICK!!!! HE HAD ALL THE POWER. He would threaten to take away by baby. I was so drugged I couldn't get out of bed. He would yell at me for not being able to get out of bed. I was a captive.

Looking back, I assert that he drugged me even against my knowledge. He had access, and he had a desire to control me.

Meanwhile, he was the long-suffering devoted husband and father. Gaining sympathy from miles around.

It was pure evil.

On and on the sordid story went.

None of my friends thought I was mentally ill. They thought I was normal. They couldn't understand why I was medicated, or diagnosed.

He started ramping it up. He wanted more than a diagnosis of Post Partum Depression. He started throwing more diagnosis at me. He tried many things, but BIPOLAR was the flavor of the decade. So, I became a BIPOLAR person. He said I had a manic episode. (I was angry, and rightfully so.) He called the police. He tried to get them to commit me. THE POLICE??? AT MY HOUSE????? BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY???? I was in my nightie! I was horrified. They wouldn't take me away.

The horror.

Bipolar stuck. I got a diagnosis. One of his friends became my doc. I was heavily medicated. I could barely form sentences. The horror.

This went on for years. Years of my life robbed. At my highest point I gained 150 pounds. One of the medicines I was on caused extreme weight gain, and insatiable appetite. He screamed at me for eating too much. He tried to take away my credit card so that I wouldn't go buy binge food. (Financial CONTROL/abuse).

He screamed at me for HOURS. For Days.

More years of this nonsense.

I tried to get off the drugs. And couldn't.

Then I did. I was fine. My doctor was amazed by my clarity, my resilience. RESILIENCE is a big important word in the mental health world.

My PsychopathHusband could not tolerate my intelligence and competence. See, on those drugs I was dumb. OFF drugs, I was BRILLIANT, just like when he met me.

He continued to insist I was crazy. He continued to insist I be medicated. He continued to pull stunts. But I was wise.

How many years was I supposed to put up with this crap before I noticed the pattern? You can't notice the pattern when you are drugged.
I wasn't drugged anymore. I could see straight and think straight.

Then, the death threats began.

That ended the conversation and relationship real fast.

Now, I'm divorced. I've been drug free for years.

I haven't lost all the weight. In fact, that's one of the last EVIDENCES of the torture I endured. I still carry it around with me.

Writing this short version of my story is incredibly activating and upsetting, but I think it is important. I need to release this pain.

There was nothing wrong with me - ever - except that I was married to a PSYCHOPATH.