Would rather die than do what you ask?

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#1 May 12 - 11AM

helldweller

Would rather die than do what you ask?

Wow. One of the most amazingly brutal and maddening things was the N deliberately not doing things I told him would make makes things better. For example, sending me flowers on Mother's Day, taking me out to dinner, inviting me to parties, letting me babysit for him. When things were horrible and I'd say, "let me come over and cook for you. it would make me so happy" he'd say, "Maybe someday." or when he went to Vegas on Mother's Day and I said, "Can you at least send me flowers so I don't feel so sad?" Nope. And when he missed my daughter's First Communion, I asked: "Can you talk to her before you go, tell her you're sorry to miss it and give her a card?" Oh, no. No, no, no way. One of the last things I asked him was "can you take me out this week?" he said, "You can take ME out."

#2 May 12 - 9PM

enoughalready

Weird-topic right on today.

He txted me today with another number, since he must have known I blocked him by now with no replies for months. He txted" please talk to me, I'm lonely", please, I'll do what you want", "I'm so alone without you", "it's been long enough". Of course, I didn't reply so he would think I didn't get his txts. The "please I'll do what you want"-RIGHT. Like Barbara always says- when their lips are moving, they are lying( or something to that effect). He has NEVER done anything I've ever wanted for 5 yrs, why in the hell would I believe him now? Damn-he's so delusional and messed up!! All he wants is control and attention and all he'll get from me is NOTHING. What goes around, comes around!

#3 May 12 - 5PM

Monica

I never asked mine to give me anything...

...or do anything for me. I never EXPECTED him to. One time I did him a favor and he said that, to thank me, he would do anything I asked. I told him what I wanted and I never, ever got it. And it was such a small thing. Also, I used to walk to get my lunch one day a week and bring it back to the office. One day, another guy in the office told me that he would pick up my lunch for me and bring it in if I ever wanted him to. xN/P had to step in and say he would do that for me, too. The other guy said that he would PAY for my lunch. xN/P said he would, too. (Can't have anyone better than him in the office ya know.) So the next week, I asked xN/P to pick me up lunch (and I was going to pay for it). You would have thought I had asked him to go out to the parking lot and cut off his arm or leg, it was THAT much of an imposition to him. And he was already planning on stopping and getting himself lunch, I asked for something from the same place, nothing out of his way. It was a huge imposition to him. (He always was all talk and never any follow through.) He wouldn't take my money when he finally arrived with lunch but I could tell it was a big deal for him and that he wasn't happy that I asked him to pick up my lunch. Even though he had offered just the week before!! (The other guy would have done it for me every week AND paid for it without a second thought.) That was the first and LAST time I ever asked him to pick up lunch for me. Actually, I think that was pretty much the beginning of the end for me. It wasn't long after that that I started to pull away from him and want out.

#4 May 12 - 12PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

nothing you want them to do.........

he wouldn't do ANYTHING i wanted him to do, asked him to do or expected him to do....from mailing a letter to picking up a bag of dog food, to treating me like i was a human being......nothing ever........

#5 May 12 - 12PM

enoughalready

helldweller

My XN did everything for his friends and nothing for me. They are all alike, some worse than others but it was all emotional abuse.They lack thoughtfulness, kindness and love. They are master exploiters and controllers.

#6 May 12 - 11AM

neveragain5

Absolutely. It's part of the

Absolutely. It's part of the control. Anything to frustrate you or get a reaction. They love to make you beg. Complete emotional abuse in everything that they do. That's why cutting them out of your life is the only option.

#7 May 13 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

Heart

Bingo! You chose the right

Bingo! You chose the right word-frustration! I would often feel that frustrating me- physically as well as emotionally,provided him with some pathological pleasure. Sometimes he could see I was getting impatient with his behavior, and he would continue with whatever he was doing, with a smirk, as if to say " You can't make me do anything I don't want to do". I think he felt controlled as a child and vowed no one would EVER control him again, and that he would always be in control and never lose control. What a guy, my stbxnh.

#8 May 13 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

frustrators

frustrating me- physically as well as emotionally,provided him with some pathological pleasure in WWLP, Sandra Brown, MA does say that pathologicals find frustrating us kind of 'erotic.' SICK F*CKS ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#9 May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Scoop

They never give you an inch

They never give you an inch of human kindness unless they are hovering you in then they cant do enough .. the creep .... but when d&d time comes around they act that they are doing you a favour just to be in their company . foget having any ANY needs as you will be called "needy " clingy and you are reminded that you are only thhe dirt under their shoe .... Him "Whats the point of calling me when you know i am busy , why dont you call someone else , why do you always rely on me , i have a life you know , in fact i have been meaning to tell you i dont love you i never had , i have been trying to get rid of you for ages but you just dont get the message . If i dont answer your call GET THE MESSAGE IM BUSY" ... that folks was said after he had asked me to go to a gig with him and i was calling to find out what time it was . I didnt call him all the time because i knew he didnt like it and i was so bloody brain washed that i never did anything that would winde him up , the only trouble was he kept changing the things that would get him mad . Scoop x

#10 May 12 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

helldweller

That's so true!

Yes, they MAKE the rules but won't tell us what they are and by the time we have figured out what they are they have changed them again. So typical. If I didn't answer the phone when he called, he wouldn't answer when I'd call him back. EVERY SINGLE TIME he would tell me the next day that he had been calling to invite me somewhere--which he never actually ever did--and it was always somewhere I was pleading to go: a family function, to meet his best friend, to an office party, to meet one of his female friends. "Well, if you'd answered the phone, you could have gone. Don't worry. I won't ask you again since you're so busy!" ARRRRRGGGH I stopped calling him at all about two years ago, because every time I did it was a problem. So I got to the point where I'd sit waiting to make sure I got the phone when he called. I guess he taught me my lesson--sick me, sicker him.

#11 May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Susan32

Life Unscripted

My ex-N thought life was a soap opera, or one of those '80s afterschool specials. He didn't seem to get it that people weren't living according to his script--not me, not his students, not his colleagues, not even his girlfriend. The fact that his LA girlfriend and I DID NOT have a catfight/mud wrestling match at the upper dorms probably riled him. Of course he made a swift exit... When I told my ex-N that his actions made him look like a jerk,he suddenly decided to say he was supposed to have been the villain the whole time. He wanted me to look crazy, him to look appropriate and teacherly--instead, I got sympathy, and people thought he was a robot monster anyhow. Nobody was following his script. But, having been in high school musicals, it's kinda important that if you're the director, give people copies of the script... LOL...

#12 May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

quietude (not verified)

ha

..."or one of those '80s afterschool specials". LOL, sorry but that made me laugh! :) Yes, they definitely play their 'part'. It is sort of like being handed a 'script' by them...and if you forget your lines, you're TOAST!

#13 May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Susan32

'80s afterschool specials

I think laughter is purifying. Someone here says one day we'll see our ex-Ns as cartoon characters--and eerily, a friend of mine said that back when my D&D happened. My ex-N didn't seem to know what play he was in. How could I forget my lines when he never gave me the script??? My friends and his colleagues found his narcissism repulsive... and I assume a decade later he hasn't changed. Over a four year period, nobody's opinion of him changed. His colleagues avoided him like a plague;my friends cracked masturbation jokes about him. My ex-N was into Wittgenstein and propriety... but even Wittgenstein was smart enough to believe that emotions exist, empathy is good, and that things like music&poetry don't follow the rules of "language games." Not a bright Narc.

#14 May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

better off

"My ex-N didn't seem to know

"My ex-N didn't seem to know what play he was in. How could I forget my lines when he never gave me the script???" Because you are not a real person to him. You are an object. And in this regard they relate to you like an angry four year old who gets mad when you aren't "playing right." In their mind, you are not a real person with your own thoughts, feelings, preferences, and emotions. You are a dolly. You are Barbie, and you ARE supposed to know your lines. Barbie is supposed to say how great Ken is, all the time. And when Barbie doesn't work right, he wants to throw Barbie on the floor and stomp on her...stupid Barbie!!! Another really great books is Controlling People by Patricia Evans, in which she discusses this concept of abusers relating to people as if they were a Teddy Bear, and truly cannot conceive that others have their own thoughts inside their heads. Crazy friggin stuff.

#15 May 12 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

Lack of critical thinking

No wonder my ex-N's students and colleagues were polite to his face, but in reality couldn't stand him. He didn't see them as real people. Yeah, that can cause some problems, wouldn't it? A common trait among Narcs is a fear of criticism. They think they're perfect. My ex-N hardly criticized my writing... as if I couldn't take it. Even on the philosophical/intellectual level he was shallow. He could bombard me with difficult questions, but if I asked him tough ones that required critical thinking...he 'd go into freeze-out mode. As a friend of mine said,"Don't let Mr. T think you're stupid. You're smarter than him. He's jealous." (Same friend who called him the Devil, and said "he's punishing you for being human") My ex-N wrote a paper dissing two colleagues BY NAME in the first footnote because they DARED to criticize the "original wording." And I just use footnotes for references and clarification... yeah, Narcs can't take criticism, even if it's purely cerebral... And here I was, thinking philosophy was all about critical thinking.

#16 May 12 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

better off

In a very bizarre

In a very bizarre conversation I once had with my drunk husband, he was talking about where he wanted to take us on vacation, seemingly innocent conversation. I said, or another option is to go to such and such in X month...(I was going to say something about an event we'd been invited to but I never got that far). He completely came apart at the seams and was so angry, and I was trying to calm him down. He was furious because he was going to do XYZ FOR YOU!! But YOU have a different idea, and on and on. And I'm like if it's for me, then why are you mad if I want to do something else... if it's FOR ME? He shouts "I AM FREAKING OUT!!! You were supposed to say how great it was for me to offer to take you on that trip!!" I was speechless. He's sober now so he doesn't say stupid shit like that, but when he was drinking he would go to that very strange place that narcs live in 24/7.

#17 May 13 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

helldweller

better off

Just last week, my N invited me to a party, of all things, and since he never invites me anywhere, I wondered why. I said yes, then asked, "Whose party is it?" and he wouldn't tell me. After about an hour of texting back and forth, with me saying, "Well where are we going so I know what to wear and him saying weird things in response, he finally got really mad and told me. Well, it was some old girlfriend's party, and all I can think is that he wanted me to show up there not knowing who it was and find out while we were at the party and make a scene or something. He did stuff like that all the time. I live next door to his new house (we've always lived on the same block) and I asked him when he was moving into the new place about a month ago. Friday night he said, "I have no idea" and at 8am on Saturday morning he moved in. I think he thinks up exciting, dramatic scenarios in his head, all centered on him, with the dramatic climax taking place in public. When you mess up his script he total freaks out, worse than a Hollywood screenwriter.

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