Would love to hear from others in this "leaving a NARC" sitch

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#1 Sep 5 - 7PM
lisalisa47
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Would love to hear from others in this "leaving a NARC" sitch

I think my NARC finally figured out I am no longer there. Here's my situation. He went to jail, I packed up what i could, returned the key to the landloard and I left. Simple as that. He's written me letters that i haven't answered - all full of the same old lies. Love YOU want to marry YOU...yeah, well F YOU...

But here's my question - Have any of you ladies ever left your NARC after he had been arrested? And, if so, what happened? It's been 16 days since I last laid eyes on him, and everyday i check to make sure he's still in there. Oh yeah, he's in jail for white collar crimes, nothing physically abusing.

Sep 6 - 3PM
lisalisa47
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To all you lovely ladies..

THANKS! I just got a chance to glance over what you guys have written but rest assured, as soon as i am done working i will reply to each and every one of you - there are things i want to ask and also i would like to read the whole of timmyboys story over - damn girl, you've been through A LOT. If any of those "arrested development narcs" former girls would like to read my story in more detail, it's under that my story board. I am just afraid he is going to try to turn some kind of table on me, and i want to know what to do if he does - i moved 200 miles away, and i have our dog - and here's a sign if nothing else - one of the trips when i went back to pack up more stuff, my neighbor said "the dog sure looks more relaxed now" and my dog is pitbull and st. bernard. My narc "loved him" but kicked him in the chest "so he could learn". That alone is like having a kid to me - that and what he did to my parents alone - (never mind little old me LOL) was enough to give up our place and start over.

LML

Sep 7 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
blueeyes
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Lisalisa47 love, timmyboy

I'm new but I'm a quick learner. Today I filled out divorce papers (hey was already at courthouse for bankrupcy). I might as well get a few new starts today. I would love to talk thru email, sick of it said that we can go thru betty so I will try that. We can EMPATHIZE together anytime! I'm here in hell and education and getting therapy. I will prevail! As far as your staory, its similar to me. Trust, then verify~
Sep 7 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
lisalisa47
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Hi Timmyboy12

Sure, just let me know what to do in going through Betty:)

LML

Sep 6 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
gettinbetter
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Just be mindful and

Just be mindful and vigilant. It may be years before he reappears but if you were good supply chances are hell be back. If anyone would have ever told me that I would become involved with this man again 15 years later. I would have said your smokin dope. I knew he had moved away so I truly believed I would never lay eyes on him again. Well 15 years and 300 miles between us he's back.. and it came up in the most innocent of ways. Just be mindful is all Im sayin
Sep 7 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
lisalisa47
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SICKOFIT not to pat myself on the back but

I think i was the BEST supply he ever had, and I know that right now he's probably in jail feeling sorry for himself, because he's told all the "aren't i wonderful" stories he can to criminals harder than he'll ever be. So I know, if I wanted to "live the dream" again, I'd probably only have to make an appointment at the county jail to see him in the flesh...NOT...LOL I'm staying far away, and I want NO CONTACT with him ever again - sometimes that co dependent part of me misses some false memory, im aware of it - but every time i come here and see the similarities we share and crack up over the absurdities of the realities of these NARCS my journey gets a bit easier.

LML

Sep 6 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Exactly what I did.

And it sounds like your response to him was pretty much like mine LOL!! I turned mine into the sheriff for drugs, because I knew no other way to get rid of him. I knew I needed a restraining order or else he'd never leave me alone. I see now I put more power in the RO than it had, but I also had a gun and a guard dog that barked like crazy when anyone came up the driveway. She would have licked him to death, but I would have had the warning. I did all that crap because I wanted to stay in my home with him out of it, because I had a farm to take care of. He spent three weeks in jail, and then the fun began, where I packed a loaded pistol with me everywhere I went, even out to the chicken coop. But him being arrested was the breaking point, where I truly ended it. I never encourage those kind of theatrics for other people. I eventually smartened up and left the farm, nine months later. Nothing is worth living like that :( What you did Lisa was so perfect, so simple, and so final. I'm glad you are here to share your story, it is very inspiring, and even better, it was the best way to leave a Narc. You can leave a Narc when they are at work, too. Just have to be sneakier. It's a choice. It's not a complicated one, and I'm saying that after all I went through. When you make that final choice, in your heart, the rest is just details.
Sep 7 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
lisalisa47
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WOW!

Read your story, What a doctor Jekyll and MR Hyde. I think mine was pretty much Junior Hyde and Mr Hyde, i don't think Dr jekyll ever really showed up, except one time at christmas. I have to say I take heart at the stories I read that we were all dating the same broken little boy, and i really feel there is strength in numbers. Reading about the absurd way someone else's narc acted to them, brings back lots of memories about the ridiculous way mine acted that was painful then, but actually funnier now. You rock girl, carry on with your bad self:)

LML

Sep 7 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture

HI Briesis

I am going to read your story now. It's funny but those cops showing up (plus the details i heard from others after he was taken away) was my deciding factor in leaving. I don't ever think I could have just "walked away", i mean at some point i probably would have taken steps but who knows? Yes, and the only way I could do it personally was NC - so pray for me that he will remain in jail for awhile. Every day that i;m away, i wake up feeling stronger. Can't wait to read your story now.

LML

Sep 6 - 11AM
blueeyes
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Lisa- I left because my Narc was arrested also.

The arrest was the start...Read my story, same thing white collar crimes! they are the devil.
Sep 5 - 9PM
betty2020
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I believe Goldie may have

I believe Goldie may have some experience with this. Are you in fear of him getting out and attempting physical contact? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 5 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture

And also....

And Yes, Betty, I don't want to talk to him ever again. 1. Because he's been despicable with his lies and betrayals. and 2. Because i don't want there to be even 1/18th of a chance that i could crumble before his lies while I'm still trying to become stronger

LML

Sep 5 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
lisalisa47
lisalisa47's picture

Hi Betty

Not really. I was with him for 2 years and have heard and seen him make "threats" to those who he think wronged him. I could be wrong, but I really believe he's more of an "all talk" bully. However, I do have our dog, and I think that could be the only reason he might even attempt a contact. He doesn't know where I am, and I am in the middle of moving to yet another town. He will have his truck and his tools whenever he gets out. However, when he got arrested we had just gotten new phones and new phone numbers - he only remembered his (which is the one he tried to contact me at from jail) I got sick of seeing the number pop off so I changed his phone number. No one from his family wants anything to do with him anymore, and I think the only ones he may have to turn to are his HOOKERs, but since he won't have any money unless he successfully rips someone else off, I don't think they will want to help him either. I'm just nervous because I have never been in this situation before, and I don't know what to expect. Does anyone know what a person who's facing two counts of felony "illegal contracting with a phony license" and a few misdemeanor failure to appears might be facing?

LML

Sep 5 - 8PM
blueeyes
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Lisa i am in the leaving stage

And it is hell on earth. I bet u and I have a lot to share. Help!
Sep 5 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
lisalisa47
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TALK TO ME SISTAH.....

Lisa Marie

LML

Sep 6 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
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Lisa, Lisa- I am here sista!

Whew! Ok, there is soooo much to say I don’t want lose your attention my story is complicated yet familiar. When I met N in 2007, I was a divorced single mom living in a nice condo, struggling but never late on my bills and my girls (pre teens) at the time were living with me full time and NC w their birth father becuase he put the three of us thru hell in the divorce..He acted like "you leave me, then you leave the kids." WHAT? Well, I left and fought for 2 years in court and finally won, it took all the settlement money I got from the divorce to get the full custody. I was broke, yet, making it and happy that the girls and i had each other...Then in 2008 I met MY NARC! It was a whirlwind affair, moved in, married and adopted my girls! He had a son that was 11 and we were a HAPPY FAMILY.Then slowly it all unraveled......He couldn't keep a job and he was soooooo expensive that I started being late on bills.....I came to him at least twice a month on my concerns. I felt used and broke. We would fight he claim depression cuz he couldnt find a job. Then he used my credit card! I really nailed him for that! He promised never again and it didnt happen again whew. THEN, his mom who had been paying his car payment had had enough of him (I didint know this at the time) so he came to me 4 months late and losing his car. I stupidly gave hundreds to save it and it was repoed anyway. I am prob 10,000.00 in debt to him...I go to bankrupcy court tomorrow :(....Now, he and I are at war and we NOW HAVE A 3 month old son with him! I want out and he claims to want out too. The war started in July! When I was out on maternity and he lost his job cuz he STOLE! We had no income and he only worked there for 3 weeks! After he did that to me and my kids and NEWBORN, I had ENOUGH. I fought back and I WONT LET HIM MANIPULATE or use me ANYMORE…that explains the war. Now it's hell. Below are some of my old posts from the last week and may really make you understand my leaving stage: (Read over if you like, similar to you)I have a CLOSING paragraph after the posts (if you wanna just glance at the POSTS I labled them. I sound like I have OCD, but I am trying to get you to understand) lol. POST:I do not feel closure because I didn't get anything out of him at all at counseling. We did communication exercises instead of addressing his NPD. So my H doesn't know he has it. The dr said it's best if we counsel him for NPD under the illusion of "Marriage counseling". I don't know if I agree? It may backfire. We are still living together and I look forward to when he is not home. Being on these boards has helped me in my quest for greatness in a marriage and to NOT expect it from him. So, I feel I am further along intellectually and the Dr. , my H's mom, and friends all say "it will take time so be patient and if he screws up in the meantime, then go." I am confused still soooo, closure I don't have but I understand if he was never diagnosed I would feel HORRIBLE. I just hope he gets told in the end WHAT he has and who he is and how pathetic he seems. I guess when I do decide to END it, I will take shaynasmommys advice and do it in the dr office. WHen I do that, I will tell him he has NPD and hand him a folder full of examples that I have printed. I even highlighted the parts that are his personality. To top off the vivid day yesterday of my suspitions confirmed of his NPD, I got a letter in the mail that he stole 150 worth of clothes from the same store he was arrested for in April! Now I will really remem er the day infamously. His arrests started my suspisions in the first place. He denies the letters accuracy and claims he never stole on aug 18th. This was 11 days ago and we are in counseling for the devatation of your cleptomania? Unreal! Thank you and thank you more for this outlet of postings! I couldn't get through the days without your website. Tears :( POST:HE SAYS: I am flipping out all the time. I calmly said "yea, I'm flipping cuz of your actions. He got up and said "I will not engage in this until dr appt at 4 pm tomorrow". I said "yup, and now I will go to bed alone neglected again and you do not care " he said not true! Girls, I need to end our marriage! This couselor can't help HIM. BTW, aug 18 the day he stole, he did it right after our 2nd dr appt! SICK MAN! POST:THIS is a crazy realization: July 21st 2008- We met..That night he said "I am going to marry you." I thought he was nuts..He played it off as a joke.. October 12th 2008- YIKES..I was happy.He moved in. Dec 19th 2008- Asked me to marry him A PLANNED WEDDING JUNE 13th.. *RED FLAG..MARCH 13th 2009- he insisted we elope and still plan the wedding yet not tell our family we eloped..So dummy me thought he was being romantic wanting it to be about US. It was probably because he was too tired to hold his facade til JUNE! He was worried I wouldn't marry him if he acted himself! THIS WAS LAST WEEK: Well, not so shocking theses days! Not only did I just yesterday have the Dr. Diagnosis my H as a Narc but I also got a shocking letter in the mail. He got caught stealing on 08-18-2010! That was 11 days ago. POST: We are in marriage counseling because he started Decem of 2009 stealing clothes for HIMSELF. It was gross and I confronted him in January and he swore he would stop. I explained how would you feel sitting in jail when u teach our kids not to steal. Well in April the cops came to my home and arrested him for stealing at the local dept store in our town. He made bail and again swore lies! Then, he got that job while I was out on maternity and 3 wks into it again, cops here! My teenagers were away thank god! So then it was war and therapy! In therapy he swore he has not stolen since June. He lied about getting fired saying someone GAVe him the items! Just last week in counseling he said to the dr and myself "I learned my lesson idk who that guy was and I guess I was depressed and wanted new stuff". Now I get a letter from that same store that he stole aug 18th! Wtf? So I asked to talk to him last night. I sadi "hey I know we are incouseling and the dr told ud to try to be nice and I have and ur not responding. I am trying and you are not. You also swore you wouldn't steal!" I tave him the letter, he read it and LIED! Whatever! It never stops. I told him what I NEED from a marriage. I need love affection partnership and trust with rspect and I stated ye has neglected me and I won't have it. END POSTS... Those were some of my story but there is sooo much more and this weekend it was WORSE! I am done and he is done! My kids were at the beach so the girls didnt see it but I called the cops on him and fought back! I called him out on all his lies and he fought back, never real physical but this wknd it did! I would love your email address if that's allowed? Not sure? It was the worst fight we ever had this wknd and both of us did and said things and we are BOTH at the point of no return..I have a few options on kicking him out of my home (he will not leave until 3 weeks when his apt is ready). Well, I need him out NOW before someone gets hurt so I could call the cops and have them remove him, or I can revoke bail cuz I am his co-signer and he will get arrested until he finds someone else to post bail...BUT HE HAS NOONE! Hit me back if I confused you.....TTY SOON!
Sep 6 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
gettinbetter
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Timmy and Lisa

Yes. You can go thru Betty to get eachothers contact info. While I can indentify with almost everyones story on here as these N's all seem to have the same MO but there was one person on here who had almost EXACTLY the same story as mine. The similiarities were uncanny.There's comfort in that. We speak off line daily now. I cant tell you how many times in the last week she has kept me from going to my phone. Im still in dark place but Im still NC. So I guess thats a good thing. It is hour to hour for me. Hope you guys are able to contact eachother. I cant tell you how helpful it has been to be able to pick up the phone and call my friend when Im having a weak moment.
Sep 6 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
blueeyes
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Sick of it- TY!

Hour to hour for you is terrible..I am very new so I am second to second! Thanks for your help in contacting offline. It will help I'm sure