Would like to hear your stories of DOUBLE Standards

Mine was a master of the art of double standards, what was fine for him was not necessarily OK for me, according to his twisted mind, for example, he had very old fashion notions of a woman's place in the home, probably pattered after his mother, who was totally spoiled and catered to by her adoring husband. I wore a cute skirt to his place one time and he looked at me and said that is ridiculous for a woman "my age" and said I could only wear it around him and not in public, Of course I did not listen to him.When I passed some gas, he would tell me it was not ladylike to do that but perfectly fine for him. I was in the bathroom one day with a closed door and did just that and he made such a big deal out of it but he would go to the bathroom with the door OPEN and you could hear him 10 miles away, that was fine.On and on what was not acceptable for me to do.He is warped in the 1950's or worse.He was the purveyour of common sense and what was right and what was wrong.

onwithmylife's picture

LOVE all yours stories, they warm my heart and reinforced to me that all these NARCS are looney tines, thanks a bunch!!!
booboo35's picture

Narcs are funny evil creatures!!! xxx lol xxx

STAY STRONG!! XX

mystwoman's picture

With xnh there are so many double standards to choose from. He was full of them. lol. Among them are: Xnh yelling at me and telling how I don't eat healthy...while HE was shoving a Pop Tart into his face. Xnh making up a list of "errands" that he wanted me to do for him in town whenever I spent the day alone with my sister. My sister and I just wanted to have a nice time hanging out together, not doing errands for xnh, HE wanted to control our visit. However, the days that HE went to spend time with his family without me, *I* was not supposed to even call him...ever. It's THEIR turn to talk to him NOT mine, according to xnh. In addition, he always insisted on me giving him a time that I would be coming back home just like I was a little kid. When HE went to visit his family, I heard, "Well, I'll see you next week some time." It was alright for xnh to hang on the phone for hours with his mommy (literally - 2 hours was a "short" conversation for the two of them), and for xnh to shut himself into another room so he could have "privacy". In short bash me without having to tolerate me defending myself. If *I* got a phone call from one of my family members, xnh would sit right next to me, and listen to every single word I said (and interject). I got so that I just talked to me family when he was not present. Xnh spending the night at mutual friend's house (female) because her husband was out of town and she was "afraid" to be alone in the house with just her three kids (no "man" to protect her). Xnh and I were still dating, and I happened to be spending the night at my sister's before we left on a trip to see me parents in the morning. Xnh decided that if *I* could have a "sleepover", then he could have one, too. Yes, I'm sure xnh cheated with her. We broke up over it (one of many times). However, if *I* went to lunch with a bunch of male co-workers, xnh accused me of "f*cking everyone in the company". Just FYI, I work in a male dominated occupation. There are exactly THREE females in our group out of around 100 people. Chances are really HIGH that I will go to lunch with men. That's who is available. I never cheated on xnh even once the entire 16 years I was with him, and if I had decided to, it certainly would NOT have been at lunch with my co-workers. lol. My list could go on and on. If xnh were an artist, double standards have would been one of his mediums. He crafted them like he was using a palette. :) ______________________________________________________ God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

venuslovedpluto's picture

....I got the eating lectures too. True, I don't eat super healthy but I do eat & try to balance it out. I love hot pockets, chocolate, doughnuts and cheese though. He loved to tease me about the fattening stuff, telling me I'd better not get fat because he doesn't like fat girls. For the record, I've been a runner for years and have a feminine but lean body. There's nothing he could've pointed out that would've made me feel malformed. When I first met him though, I had the alcohol problem & thus had a noticeable vodka tummy. He liked to remind me. Jokingly of course. He kept this up throughout our "relationship". Always chastizing me about my food choices. But then at his place, he'd offer me plates filled with slices of cheese. He'd usually keep chocolate for me too. Weird. He'd call me from work and tell me about the crap he'd just eaten though. The chimi. A Twix from the candy machine. Or the hot dog and chips. He actually had a belly from not working out enough and eating this garbage. That one I could never really understand. I guess he wanted some kind of control over my body. My weight. Or control over his too, through me? (lol)I think he'd believed he'd had control over his, that any weight he put on could be just as easily burned off. I half believed he'd wanted me to get chunky though. He seemed genuinely disappointed when I quit drinking and the tummy disappeared. Along with my desire to overdo it with the sweets.
Susan32's picture

Ugh. Same here. The ex-Psych professor pretended he was a vegetarian when he was on-campus, spouting Cora Diamond (his mentor from his UVA days), Schopenhauer, and Tolstoy. He'd have his daily bagel for lunch. The same thing EVERY DAY. Yet he was caught off-campus chowing down on a hamburger at some fast food joint. He'd lecture me about my food choices, say it was weird, blather on about me getting fat, bring his father's diabetes into it. He'd command me to eat. He thought the teacher/student relationship countenanced that sort of thing, and that it was within his rights. During my sophomore year, he kept in shape... but he went downhill fast during my junior year. He got a belly very quickly. During the final D&D, he was the one who was fat and drunk. He had an off-campus class centered on drinking alcohol. By the time the OW moved in, he was quite plump, and the girlfriend was in better shape than he was. He hadn't even shaped up for her (at least somatic Narcs have SOME connection with their bodies, while cerebral Narcs don't) After the final D&D, I was lecturing him that if he slimmed down and got his rotting teeth looked at, an agent in LA would've gladly snapped him up as an actor/model. Should I send him some Matthew Morrison shirtless pics (he plays the narcissistic teacher on GLEE), and advise him on the all-sweet potato diet to get fabulous abs? It would be master baiting on my part. And definitely masturbating for him!
agnesmurphy17's picture

Within four months of our marriage, N began to demand a divorce on a monthly basis. And told me he would get the house (for which he married me so that we could combine assets to buy a house above his financial means). Let's see? If you refuse to go to both the 4 o'clock & the midnight service on Christmas Eve with my friends, we are getting a divorce. In addition to the usual monthly RAGE & TIRADE & divorce demand followed by a significant silent treatment lasting days. After two years of marriage, N escalated to physical abuse. The first episode he picked up a 5 pound container of sugar, threw the contents all over me & the kitchen, then, hurled the container at me. Ran up to my face with fists clenched screaming: "You piss me off! You piss me off!" And then turned tail & ran away like a little kid. I disassociated & had an out-of-body experience (watched the scene from somewhere near the ceiling). I was in shock but continued to bake Christmas cookies, but left all the sugar where it landed. About an hour later he came back & started to be snuggley & told him to forget it. Leave me alone. I'm finished. It's over. Then he LAMBASTED me for my faint committment to our marriage & how dare I suggest that we are not in on this for better or worse? How HURT he was that I could even suggest . . . his world has been rocked . . . his fear of abandonment . . . how dare I prey on his fear of abandonment. Well, this was really the beginning of the end. Three months later he was on another RAMPAGE demanding a divorce. I said, Fine. When you return from your business trip, we will discuss how to divide the property. He got up and got ready to go to work. Walked past me a few times as if I did not exist. Then I said, "Oh. BTW, I will be sleeping in the other room from now on." He flipped. No he didn't want a divorce. I told him to prepare for his business trip. Before he left he asked for his wedding ring back because he was also visiting his family. (Always giving it to me when he wanted a divorce.) When he came back from his trip, I told him--I meant it. We're getting a divorce. It's over. Don't act so shocked in 2 1/2 years you have demanded a divorce approximately 36-40 times. His response: "I didn't mean it."
victimnomore's picture

My NH has remained "friends" with every ex-girlfriend, fuck buddy or any woman that he has come across with in his life but i was not allowed to remain friends with any males. I could not be friends with guys that I grew up with, ex-boyfriends or anybody. He could go out with females for coffee, lunch or dinner. but I better not even wave hello at a male friend. Talk about double standards!

victimnomore

sparky2009's picture

The biggest one I can remember is when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child he had dumped me six months earlier and he contacted me to tell me how horrible I was when I kissed a guy three years earlier when we were broken up I said you are sleeping with my friend while I am pregnant how do you even have the nerve to bring up me kissing someone 3 years ago? (Mind you in this six months he didn't do one thing for our already infant daughter nor for me who was now pregnant and caring for an infant and working full time) I wouldn't have ever believed there were people like this.
alittledark's picture

...he was against the idea of me having breast augmentation, but he goes to tanning bed and gym. He said if I get a boob job I will never be fully satisfied with my appearance. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

venuslovedpluto's picture

....and that's why they do this. To them, balance and equality are irrelevant. Unapplicable to them. They are Focused On Control. He told you that breast implants would result in your never being fully satisfied with your appearance because his FEAR was that once you had them you WOULD BE fully satisfied with your appearance.
venuslovedpluto's picture

....it's not super healthy (for me at least) to ruminate over N stories...turn over and over all the things he did and how weird was he and how annoying was that...but this helped me today. My mind keeps playing with these insane maybe- notions and I need to remember that it's not a matter of me understanding that the poor guy is mentally ill. He's still a snake, the pain I felt was very real, it's not my job to self-sacrifice. I need to stay on the reality track. Thanks all =)
venuslovedpluto's picture

Supposedly...though he knew about the guy I was with when I met him, and had never seemed to have much interest in anything beyond the fun we'd had while I was broken up with said guy for awhile, though he knew (months later, things had evolved) that I'd gotten engaged, was moving, I'd never hidden anything from him...he'd felt "abandoned" when I'd left AZ. Or so he told me. When he pleaded me back. And enlisted my mom to help too. My mom, my friends, everyone thought N was better for me (me too so their opinions cemented my decision...lol), so I'd moved back. He'd poured it on so thick while I was gone that I'd expected him to be loving, happy when I got back. He was...but not in the same way. He'd guilted me for leaving. All he had to do was drop three words- "you left me". I'd felt horrible. He'd held me at a distance, he'd needed time. Apparently. He reminded me of his wounds. He'd also told me he didn't trust me. Ouch. I was very patient, never pushed, put all my focus on showing him who I was. But still he played the guilt and distance, no matter what I did, all the way up till.... ....fast forward two years later when I've found out about his wife. I was dumped like a hot potato. Dumped like rubbish in South Korea. But he wasn't responsible. His wife was, for being overweight (size 8!) and "prudish." He came to me (when she dumped him) and told me he'd only left me, treated me that way because he hadn't wanted to hurt her and hadn't known what to do. Was shocked when I didn't believe him, annoyed that I was so hurt. He felt he'd automatically deserved trust from everyone involved afterward, was taken aback and agitated over others feeling unsure about his intentions/words/character. He'd wanted forgiveness immediately. He'd bristled at any criticism or reminder of his behavior, he'd wanted it lobotomy-style forgotten, pretend it never happened & everything was status-quo. He was not interested in anyone's feelings on the matter. Least of all mine. This was intensely frustrating. He'd refused to see any kind of connection. It's also embarrassing. Damn, was I that hard up? lol
rochkevin's picture

He could wake me up in the middle of the night to have sex but if i did it was all wrong.
Hunter's picture

Its Called "CONTROL" Its Time you control you . Eat a nice big Ice craem Sunday and Fart till your heats content!!!! Hugs Idealk
Happy1's picture

I'm rolling on the floor! LMAO!!
gettinbetter's picture

When I was younger I was not "allowed" to go to any nightclubs or bars yet he went all the time. He said I dont want my girlfriend in those places period. Translation: I dont want my girlfriend to go because there is a high likelyhood she might meet someone else and I will lose control over her. OWML hahahhaha about the skirt! I had a dress that he told me looked terrible on me and not to wear it anymore. I loved it because it was very figure flattering. When we reconnected I ask what do you remember about me? and he described that dress to a T actually the whole outfit down to the shoes. I said you hated that dress. He said no I didnt its just that every guy in the company was talking about that dress. They really are such jealous little creatures.
helldweller's picture

Oh, boy. This is a good one. Where to start? He could be three hours late AS A RULE to see me, but if we were one minute late to see one of his friends it was the end of the world. He could talk for hours about his old girlfriends, f buddies, strippers he'd fallen in love with and never forgotten, etc etc etc, but if I in passing mentioned my first boyfriend from HIGH SCHOOL he would storm out. He had no problem having dirty sex on my couch and smearing it and the rug with all sorts of bodily fluids, but at his house we'd have to do it on a towel on the wooden floor--and not even a nice towel but one from the wash kitchen that he used to wash up after yard work. I had to report to him at all hours of the day and night, and God forbid if I didn't answer the phone when he called. But for him, he could leave for the weekend without telling me and not speak to me for three days. If I questioned where he was he would just look at me with this amused look on his face and say, "Baby, where's my drink?" or "Baby, take your clothes off." Of course, I've mentioned lately about how the abuse and neglect and near-destitution my daughters went through during my marriage was of no importance to him. He said they should "grow up and get over it." Meanwhile he was showering his foster child with every material thing under the sun and moaning to everyone he met about the child's "terrible infancy" with his mother. I told him I really needed him to be honest about our future because my daugthers needed a father figure in the house. He said, "Oh, PLEASE." Meanwhile he tells everyone he took in his foster child because "a child needs a father in the house." I will never forget the times that he literally was calling me to keep tabs on me WHILE he was with another women. For example, when he called me nonstop one weekend last summer that I went camping with my daughters. I'd actually invited him and he said he was working and couldn't go. So he called me all weekend, thinking I was with someone else, trying to "stump me" with questions. I answered the phone every time and he couldn't "stump me." Turns out he was in Wisconsin with the other woman the whole weekend. It's like you guys always say: he thinks everyone is a lying cheating scumbag like him. They get frustrated when you are honorable; they can't understand it. He was desperately trying to catch me in infidelity so he could justify his own.
Susan32's picture

"Frustrated when you are honorable"-I was OPEN about the fact I was dating. I didn't lie about it. So, the ex-Psych professor would complain to his classes about the fact of me dating. While he had a long-distance girlfriend in Los Angeles I knew NOTHING about. Whenever I asked him if he was seeing someone, I'd get the stonewalling/silent treatment. He was free to complain about life. If I complained, I'd face his dismissive, ridiculing attitude. It was fine for him to see "Shakespeare in Love" and talk about it. I wrote a theater review about "Twelfth Night", and that was one of the nails in the coffin of the relationship. He'd talk A LOT about his family. I didn't talk about mine, because he'd mock them&say cruel things. I was not allowed to express my own opinions... yet if I agreed with him I was "servile." He was a teacher, yet he discouraged me from volunteering at a local elementary school. He'd order me around if there was food on my face, yet he ate like a slob. He had a '50s view of women, yet I wasn't allowed to dress and I was supposed to have a paying job. I'd call him; he'd NEVER call me back. I wasn't allowed to smile in his presence, but he'd smugly sneer when I was crying. I wasn't allowed to talk about him behind his back PERIOD;yet he was trash talking me to his students AND his colleagues. He was obsessed with "Anna Karenina" about a woman's fall from grace (he clearly wanted to see mine);I can only wonder how he felt when I successfully graduated, with my sanity intact. He was allowed to cruelly mock me... yet NOBODY was allowed to mock him. Yeah, when I broke NC, it was to mock him.... He might've suspected that towards the end I was relishing his frustration as he had mine. After the final D&D, I'd be calling him out, with a smile of superiority on my face.