WorthMore's Story

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#1 Feb 2 - 12AM
WorthMore
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WorthMore's Story

banal narc story

My Narc was the Snake in a Suit. It seemed we were fated to be together...Narc and I met the first time in grad school during a class break. Our paths crossed several more times over the years as if by a weird fate after that first meeting: always in a different U.S. state, we would run into each other on the street outside in a new city. So strange, but we never got beyond “Hi, and wow, strange to see YOU here!” I didn’t see him again for years until he contacted me on FB in 2009 and was actually now living in the same town as me, in yet a different state from the last time our paths crossed.

On paper we made perfect sense. In addition to having graduated from the same school (different years), we both spoke the same foreign languages and had both lived overseas in a similar part of the world at the same time. We had related careers. We both liked dancing and neither of us was spectacularly more good looking than the other. We both had worked hard to take ourselves from rural, small town lives out into the world. We both had dysfunctional family upbringings....So much objectively in common, it seemed we were our own “unique” club, even without the NarcSpell nonsense.

This Narc came into my life in earnest during a period when I felt strong, confident and wanting to be on my own after a LTR that I had ended because it was going nowhere. I had no plans to tell Narc I was single, but he was just so attractive and seemed he might be a unique possibility for me to be with someone with a background similar to mine, given all that we had in common and we were clearly having sparks and both single…I let out that I was now single and the pursuit began…and I LOVED it…I t was intoxicating…well, you know how the Narc drug whirlwind goes… Very quick to incredibly good sexual intimacy and I was hooked. We were apparently each other’s exact physical favorite “type”, we “got” each other…blah, blah, blah.

Narc quickly started “future faking” saying he could see us together “for forever”, but in such a hesitant way, that it really seemed like he was having a hard time believing it or even saying it (because it was so miraculous, right? lol). He would say things like that, so I would believe that clearly, I was so special that these things he was saying he could barely believe he was even saying to anyone…or, he was trying to play to the fact that I was over 40 and had never married before (perhaps sensing a fear of commitment?). I could barley believe my good fortune. At one point early on (our second date?) I remember saying, “you know, you are scary-charming, I could almost think you were a player. I don’t like being manipulated and I am feeling a little nervous”. [I have a history with the manipulative type...It was a major wind that I even recognized it] He just laughed, saying he had been faithfully married for well over a decade (he was now divorced), "how in the hell could I be a player?" He said, “I’m nice”. This one SHOULD HAVE BEEN taken as a red flag by me, but I had no evidence to the contrary so I believed his words… I quickly decided he could really be "The One", which was HUGE for me, as only as I met him was I coming to feel like I ever wanted to marry.

First unequivocal red flag after a few weeks of dating was when I was late to meet him at a bar. He flew into a RAGE! In public, I was crying on the street and he just kept raging, long after I had apologized, accepted blame and responsibility, etc, etc. I thought he was crazy when he suggested we maybe not date because of my being late. He raged because, as I was late and didn’t give him lots of forewarning, he could have stayed an extra 30 minutes with his kids that night. I felt pretty bad about my mistake, but I should have ended it right there, given how vicious he was. I remember telling my girlfriend about it and saying I’d have to be cautious. That was the last time I had enough nerve to tell any of my friends what I was experiencing with him, until it was all over. I was too ashamed.

Other behavior and red flag information along the way I excused:
• He RAGED at me on the phone early on (first month or two) because I wouldn’t respond to his texts during the day, even though I was at a job I was barely holding on to – complete “ME! ME! ME!”. (I eventually was fired from this job…. )
• His wife of 10+ years had apparently left him (without ever saying why, according to Narc…yeah, right) and he had been nothing but supportive and a fantastic provider...
• He HATED, and I mean HATED his mother…Said he only maintained minimal contact so that she’d leave him $$ when she died.
• There were stories about his “crazy exes” after divorcing, and how he had been totally faithful during his marriage, but a “bad boy” after divorcing. Somehow I didn’t put the “bad boy” admission together with the “crazy exes” after divorcing until landing on this site.
• Had double-standards such that he would fly off the handle at me being late but would think nothing of doing the same to me, especially if he texted me 20 minutes ahead of time he would be late, often multiple times for the same date. Or, even worse, he would simply not commit, and reply “maybe” if I ever wanted to do something so I had to wait on pins and needles to plan my day.
• He blamed everyone else for problems in his failed marriage, and failing business(es) and new money-making schemes.
• When we were having troubles and I was trying to get some distance, he used his daughters to get to me, and say the girls wanted me to come over. He knew I had fallen for them completely, and loved that they wanted to see me too. I eventually stopped responding to that ruse.
• He was texting “people” all the time while I was with him, whether it was out at a bar, in his kitchen at home, or in bed…Not wanting to appear jealous and untrusting, and believing his words that they were just friends, I didn’t protest. (Duh!)

Our whole relationship lasted (in my mind, anyway) a little over 12 months, and the idealization period was lovely, short, and had red flags aplenty. I was still convinced that with better communication and time we surely could make it work. But it felt like high school drama. After our first six or seven months I lost my job, which was depressing and scary. Narc’s business really took a dive and he had to close it about three months later. His business partner had already cut him off from all communication. There we were, when we should have been supporting each other, trying to make it work, but Narc became meaner and more self-absorbed. He couldn’t understand why businesses weren’t falling all over themselves to hire him, even when he barely lifted a finger to apply for a job or reach out to find opportunities! This was infuriating because I was working every day to find something. In fact, whenever I found a job prospect and told him about it, he would immediately say, “Oh, I could do that ! How much does it pay (as if I were bringing HIM jobs)? I would tell him and he would just say he wouldn’t work for that low of a salary… I stopped sharing this information, as it was frustrating and demeaning.
But Narc was very often demeaning and cruel. A barkeep witnessed a "conversation" we had and gave me a look like, “are you ok with that?” as Narc and I left that night. I remember thinking after we got back home, “that that’s the last time I ask for his input”. Narc became more moody and was out of money. He still acted like the grasshopper, coming up with schemes to make money without having to work for someone else, still spent $50+ at his favorite bar almost every night. I was as supportive as I could be and did research for him, made contacts for him, helped him work on business plans, you name it. I bent over backward to do things HE wanted to do like go to a cage fight, go hunting in the cold rain in October (wtf?!?), sit up close to watch a writhing pole dancer..... All went unappreciated or recognized, as I came to understand that my sexual availability and physical presence was the most important thing to the Narc, provided he never had to expend any effort to be with me. I had to drive all over to meet his unemployed schedule, rush around after work or meetings and back to work the next day from his place to “meet his needs”..
Unemployed myself, I eventually had to live some on debt too, became more depressed and started taking more anti-depressants, which suppressed my libido. I noticed that almost every time I was to go to his house or meet him I had to stop at the store on the way, anxiously scarf down a candy bar and buy a big bottle of wine to drink when I got there. I often hoped he had already had a drink by the time I got there, as it usually mellowed him out. The last months, I gained lots of weight from this self-medication of anxiety and unhappiness, which also suppressed my libido. This, of course, just gave him proof that my actions did not fit my words of love. He yelled that I was pushing him away to make the relationship fail, that the fact that I was staying away and not having sex with him was hurting his self-esteem and he wouldn’t “put up with” that kind of treatment.
Narc would rage at me typically after I had gotten comfortable with a drink or two at his place or other place where he was in control. When he got going at me for some or other offense, I had to leave as I couldn’t take the venom and rage, then he would throw my things on the ground behind me, screaming that if I left, “it would be over”. He would then “de-friend” (D&D) me on FB, which I had a hard time understanding from a 40+ y.o. man. Around the same time I got my job offer (yay!) , after his final FB D&D, early 2011, we never became “friends” again on FB. He carried on contacting me, keeping the argument going and using me as his emotional punching bag as if we were still trying to make it work. I suspect that was really the beginning of his search in earnest for new NS here in town…
I finally broke it off with him in April, as the D&D’s were coming every other month with rages almost weekly. I realized I had wasted entire weekends and evenings texting and emailing back and forth with the same bullshit arguments. I am proud of how I tried to assert my needs within what I thought was supposed to be a relationship, defended my integrity, rationally explained myself and used facts whenever possible. He hated when I used facts... However, as long as I stayed away for my own emotional protection, I could do nothing to change his mind that I didn’t love/care about him. He said I was withholding affection, giving him the silent treatment, grinding down his self-esteem etc, etc. I began to feel like maybe I had a problem, but damnit, I didn’t deserve to be raged at like that!
I had no idea about NPD throughout this experience, though I did suspect that he might have gotten an endorphin buzz from the angry outbursts and was addicted to raging. I was convinced that no matter what I did, it would never be enough to prove to him that I loved him and I hoped he would get therapy after he got his new job and he could heal and we could try again. I thought that maybe all real relationships had ups and difficult downs, and I had no illusions about finding the “perfect” guy who didn’t have any “issues”. Hell, I’ve got mine too! But this was just too much for me to handle.
By June he had moved to the Midwest for the lucrative new job. I had no idea about NPD but knew that contact was painful. I asked several times for him to not contact me so I could heal. He ignored that, and kept me engaged all summer in texting on his schedule, on his terms.
I was devastated in August when I learned accidently on FB he had a new GF who lives here in my town!!!! The mountains of wasted time on the argument that I didn't share enough of my time, (a self-fulfilled prophecy because of his rage driving me away), was suddenly the biggest piece of shit reason for the abuse I could comprehend. There WAS no sense for me...total CD....Yeah, the reason I was no good was he didn’t get enough of my physical attention, but here he goes with a new GF for a pre-determined long-distance relationship as he is preparing to live thousands of miles away! What???!!! Major mind f&%$@k....... In my mind, we were hardly broken up, as he had continued to maintain contact as if nothing had changed. He never denied the new LDR, but never confirmed it either. I learned later why. I tried to ascertain how serious the relationship was and found myself even begging to have him back, even as a long-distance relationship --- again Whaaattt was wrong with me??!! After I had stooped to this level he asked me, “Are you saying you want my new relationship to fail?” What a manipulator…of course I felt like an ass at that one and the ugliness that I was carrying on with a guy who had a gf was thrown in my normally high-integrity face… I cut him off and he hoovered again a few weeks later with a pity play about a major operation he has to go in for. He was very flirty. I tried one last time to get him back (CRAZINESS!) and he finally answered a nice greeting card I had sent him with a curt text, “It’s not going to happen. I’m gone”. MIND F%$@K AND DISCARD….. Either he was just waiting for the right moment to do that, or at that point he had succeeded in securing NS and no longer needed me.
Recently I learned that this same GF I found out about in August, has moved to be with him. So, what he didn't say was that he didn't INTEND it to be a LDR....While that news hurt deeply, I am also happy that I won’t run into her (or him!) here in town. I am safe in the city I love (and they live in an armpit town!). I tried to keep thinking about that as I walked around near my building over lunch today. Before that news I was afraid to run into her every time I walked outside.

BUT I am jealous that she will get to experience a man I didn’t – one who is doing what he was meant to do for work every day and feeling appreciated and well compensated (instead of captain of a failed business), and so wouldn’t have that stress. I never saw that version of him. New GF will also not have to be the only source of supply, as he’ll have the ability to “show his magnificence” at work every day and come home without NS deficit. I am jealous as hell that she will get the fantasy… But as a good friend said to me: "Maybe that’s how it will go for some time, but you know how it will go when real life eventually happens…If he were a good man, he would have been a good man even under the unemployment and money stresses you were under; not that it wouldn’t have been difficult, but it wouldn’t have been abusive". Of course I know from my time here on the forum that it is only a matter of time until she sees the hollow man.
I’m still hurt. However, when I think back, I am horrified at what I put up with and how disgusting he was in many ways, despite his degrees and insanely well compensated career choice. His house was always a pig sty and he actually had parts of a rotting, stinking carcass of a large wild animal he had shot laying under a tarp in his back yard for weeks (“composting”, he said….). He allowed his two pre-teen daughters sleep with him (which was weird to me) when they visited. He always wore filthy or stained clothes, unless we were going somewhere special. His vehicle was equally disgusting, with empty cans, wrappers, papers, half-finished espressos littering the huge rig. I remember cringeing a little the first time he picked me up for a date in it…. He intimidated my dog such that she could barely be near him in the end. I don’t know what he must have done to her when I wasn’t around...

I have been wallowing in emotional muck over him and his last D&D of me and taking up with the OW. Only you all will understand that it still hurts deeply. I want the dream man I fell in love with. The one I thought might be "the One" FOR THE FIRST TIME in my 40+ y.o. life. I want the family I thought we had with him and his lovely children! I AM PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!

I have come to realize after reading others’ stories and all about NPD, that he wasn’t so unique and special at all. He was an ordinary, garden-variety, low-life, scumbag, narcissist fraud. I was a garden-variety victim, but I was fated to be with him to learn once and for all that I deserve much, much better. BUT IT HURTS LIKE HELL. Goodbye hellish 2011. Thanks for validating me and my experience, and letting me get it out here on the forum.

P.S. I wrote this in the beginning of January. So much has happened since then, but I’m working the steps. Thanks

Feb 5 - 4AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Welcome to the forum. I lve

Welcome to the forum. I lve the expression Garden variety scumbag narcissistic fraud. That classic! I am so glad that you got out from under him and found the forum. Yes, it does hurt like hell, and will for some time, but not for ever and that's what is important to remember. The red flags are abundant for all of us, and we ignored them, don't feel alone in that aspect. I sometimes will remember one of my red flags in the beginning and just shake my head in wonderment. It's almost impossible to believe they existed. Keep up the good work. Keep reading and posting. Happy New Years to you! Saying goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012 is very promising!
Feb 5 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
WorthMore
WorthMore's picture

Sparrow, thank you for your

Sparrow, thank you for your support here to me and to all of us struggling with this crisis in our lives. I honestly don't know how I sould have handled this dark period without this forum and the understanding of its amazing mods and members. Thank you for getting me through the days.
Feb 2 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Worth More, I am here to tell you

that you have chosen a very apt screen name for yourself. You are so very Worth More. I am going to ask you to trust and believe me when I tell you this P.O.S. did you A FAVOR! You will come to realize this as you work the steps. I think it is admirable that you have not married and are 40+. My youngest sister didn't get married until she was 40. There is nothing wrong with that. It's better than getting married and not meaning it; getting married and stepping out of the marriage, etc. etc. I personally think it's thoughtful and something you should feel good about. I will never ever marry again and I'm quite fine with that. This "man" you were involved with is a loser. His history proves that and shows that. He is incapable of acting in any other way. Please do not think that New Supply is getting ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY DIFFERENT than you got. The deal is the same. You know why you got hooked in in the beginning...if she is not as strong as you are, she'll stay and become destroyed by the abuse...you have to know that is the truth because that is what was happening to you by staying with him, isn't it? See, this is the gift we get. All the red flags we pushed away or ignored. It will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. You will be so strong, so shining and so happy and filled with light that you will attract the kind of love you desire and deserve. I ask you to believe this because it IS TRUE. Like you, I got the lesson late in life...later than you for what it's worth. I'm 54 and I have to tell you that my life is better than it ever was in the six years of hell I endured with the disordered Freak who tried to take me down and way better than it was a decade before that. Sweeping out the debris has made room for outstanding things to enter. I am happy, joyful even...and have healthy, fun, adventursome and even hot relationships. Work the steps. Read the books. Read all the blogs here. There's a support group starting soon you can think about, too. Worth More, I am so sorry this freak crossed your path...you knew early on because of your experience but your issues weren't resolved enough to steer clear. The good news is you will learn and hone all your instinctss, self-love and self esteem to assure this will never happen to you again. Keep sharing. Keep getting it out. It really really helps. sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

Feb 5 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
WorthMore
WorthMore's picture

(not) Spinning, thank you so

(not) Spinning, thank you so much for your kind, loving words. I know it was a long, tedious story but I truly appreciate the chance to get it our there, in black and white. I am reading, I am learning and both are keeping my mind occupied and away from the obsessing about what could never be. But I struggle, as we all do/have done. Thank you, thank you. The love and care and understanding shine through from you and give me great comfort. I particularly thank you for your kind words about my "forever single" life so far. My status seems to be a red flag now in itself to others.... I can hardly wait 'til I am also (not) spinning. xoxo worthmore
Feb 26 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
nextphase
nextphase's picture

One of the last things

One of the last things doucheface would say to me before I Went NC was "there are tons of desperate, never married women approaching or in their 40's that finding one to f*c@ is easy"
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
WorthMore
WorthMore's picture

That is just horrible, on so

That is just horrible, on so many levels. It sounds like it could have come out of my narc's mouth too. Towards the end, when he was complaining that we didn't have sex enough he said he could get it as much as he wanted out there....complete 180 from his early days of telling me how hard it was for him to get female attention...brother, what a-holes these freaks are!
Feb 26 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
nextphase
nextphase's picture

One if the many times i

One if the many times i attempted NC, one of the tactics i tried was writing things he said to me on stiky notes stuk to my lampshade on my night table. I was tryin to remind myself of reasons i did not want to be with him. In hindsite i think that was a bad idea on my part. The best thing ive done is start reading materials dedicated to teaching us humans about these monsters - how and why they operate the way they do. I truly believe that what ive learned not only about the demons they are, but also much about myself, through books and reading everyons posts on this amazing site, is whats giving me the strength to REMAIN NC. That said, thanks to everyone here. sorry we all experienced this crap.