worth and team me

This week was progress. I was in the same city for work reasons as my exN right and in front of his building downtown. I was really tempted to text or call and I knew he would come right down. But I didn't. The reason why...well there are two.

1)Worth- I have come to the conclusion (albeit pretty late in the game) that I am worth so much more than this man has ever given me or treated me. So much more. Why in God's name would I give him the satisfaction of seeing me and knowing I contacted him first. I cannot stay NC with him forever as we have a child but right now I am not ready to talk. Our last interaction was as usual drama and hurtful. I am done with subjecting myself to his crap-willingly.

2) Team Me. I have actively worked to surround myself with people who love and value me and are on my team. I was down there with my best friend (so I was not alone physically), I had my new friend on speed dial and texted her for support( the "talk me down text") and I recently have found a new counselor work with. The best thing that my new counselor said was- I am on your team. I no longer feel alone in this. And because I don't feel alone I feel stronger, less sad and a funnily a little more angry that I actually let myself be subjected to his emotional abuse. Someone dear to me commented on how horrendous he is and for the first time I felt no need to defend him because objectively, why, yes he really is. Pretty darn horrendous. It feels like the haze is lifting.

So I guess I just wanted to share because it feels like progress. Six months ago I would have not kept NC and it would have all been good in the moment and then it would have gone all bad as invariably it does. So progress this week, progress.