worry about hurting a narc

I'm 34 days NC and our relationship was only 6 months long. I've known him about a year; I guess the first six months he spent luring me into his venomous trap. I can't believe he can still have this effect on me after such a short, but intense relationship. He's always stuck in my head- at my better moments just background noise but still, always there.

I guess you cannot rush the time you need to process what these Ns can really do.

His birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I know this was talked about a couple days ago. I will not contact him.

But, I cannot get over feeling so badly about it, and badly about not responding to his text. It's so against my nature to intentionally hurt someone. (I know you have all made it clear he is NOT hurt by it)

I can't get past the what ifs. What if he IS really hurt?
Sometimes when he was verbally abusive, he would apologize afterwards.

"I know this hurts you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you but you just won't listen. I cannot change. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Someone has to tell you"

This dialogue could be applied to any situation he had just yelled at me about.

I wasn't parenting correctly.

I wasn't handling my divorce attorney correctly, etc..

Makes me wonder if maybe he was a hard, intense man but not a narc. He was aware he was difficult.

I always come back to this: Narc or not, he verbally abused me and belittled me. Called me retarded.

The other humiliating thing it helps to remember is he never allowed me into his home, even after his blatant suggestions of it when we first became romantic.

So either way, I"M DONE.

It's just the learning why I would worry so much about possibly hurting him.

Like someone said on another thread, it just scares me that he will never get out of my head. I truly thought he was the absolute soul mate for me.

Anyway, just venting.

Lisa