Worried . . . Am I a narcissist too?!

Hello,

This is the first time I have posted in the Steps 4-6 Forum. I feel as though I have made some good progress, and I am ready to move forward with my steps.

At the moment, I feel I am probably mid-way through Step 4. I am "getting real" - turning the focus on myself, and the role I played in this whole mess.

This thought process has made me face some very hard truths about myself. I've realised that while I did not deserve the treatment XN dished up to me, it was my ADDICTION to him, and the way he made me feel, that allowed him to treat me that way.

I've also learned that what happened with XN is really just a bigger, more painful example of what I've been doing my whole life: seeking validation externally, from many people, in myriad scenarios, because I simply do not feel comfortable with myself internally.

The more I've thought about THAT, the more worried I have become. Because it is beginning to sound like NARCISSISM.

Some observations:

1) I gravitate towards people who make me feel good about myself - rather than the relationship starting out as a genuine two-way street. (Sounds like hunting for supply.)

2) I often behave in ways that I know will make people take notice of me - for example, talking loudly or crassly; or purposely bringing up topics that I know will impress people. I've even made or bought gifts for people knowing the outcome will be praise for ME. (Sounds like more supply-seeking.)

3) When friends aren't completely loyal to me - even when it's not appropriate or warranted - I feel hurt and disappointed, and retreat from them. (Sounds like narc injury and D&D.)

4) I have go-to people when I am feeling anxious, self-doubting or sad. Sure, some of these are friends. But there are others that I text or email simply because I admire them in some way, and feel a ping of importance - aka validation - when/if they reply. (Sounds like hoovering and primary supply.)

5) And finally, isn't NC just another way of saying "silent treatment"?

Crap . . . this is really scaring me. Am I a narc too? And in that case, should I even be here?

On the other side of the coin, there are aspects to me that are definitely non-narc. I am an extreme empath, for example. And if someone needed my help, I would always give it if I could - with no expectation of praise or reciprocation.

I guess I am a bit confused. I'd love to hear if anyone else has experienced this, and how you made peace with it.

Thank you.