Wondering if some narcs have ED because they are really gay?

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#1 Jul 30 - 12PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Wondering if some narcs have ED because they are really gay?

Aside from being overpowered and intimidated by strong and capable women, how many of you believe your N was gay and just hated being with a woman physically?

Jul 31 - 9AM
Independent
Independent's picture

If I could find where I read

If I could find where I read it I would link it. But one thing I read is that Narcs have very mixed feelings about sex. Often masturbation is preferable to sex with another person. The Author of "Malignent Self Love" has a YouTube Channel. If you are in a place where you can intellectualize your Narcs behaviors and face some unpleasent truths it's a really amazing resource. "The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions." http://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin#p/search/5/R_zxNszEmks "They masturbate using women as props or sexual aids". It has less do with sexual orientation. "Sex is common, everyone does it there is nothing special or unique about Sex. Women's sexual needs threaten to reduce the narcissist to the lowest common demoninator. To Render him average, mediocare." I think that it minimizes the importance and strength of sexual orientation to explain ED with the concept of the Narc being gay. I think that Narcs may not have a strong sexual orientation because they do not have a strong personality a the core. They have personas that they take on and discard as necessary. Sexual interest or lack there of is based on the D&D cycle and supplying the Supply.
Aug 1 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

independent

...I am a huge Vaknin fan thanks for the reminder on this chapter of his.
Jul 31 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
SailorChik
SailorChik's picture

This.

Mine had a peculiar attitude about sex. If I initiated, it was a turn-off- he'd beg off claiming to be tired, etc. If I turned my back to him, he'd get aroused. He never reciprocated much. He was annoyed that I didn't get off via straight intercourse. His favorite positions were low-effort ones: on his back or on his side, my back to him. He liked a finger up his bum. He said he would not perform cunnilingus because his "wife did not appreciate it" when he did it to her. In other words, it was all take and no give. And he was fussy about sex talk- he would tsk tsk or tut tut any kind of suggestive email I sent, urging me to "keep it PG." He didn't always orgasm and often he would just go soft. Now, he was in his mid 50's, so that may have been part of it, but I don't think that was all of it. Oh, and he would "reminisce" about how virile he was in his youth and how he was able to have sex with his wife and gf's so often. The way he expressed this was in such a manner that led me to feel very old, ugly and undesirable. And that was deliberate.
Aug 1 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Sailor...Gosh I can so much

Sailor...Gosh I can so much relate to this. So much. Especially the predictable positions, the COMPLETE lack of reciprocity in the long-run, and just feeling like I wasn't there. It was caveman.
Jul 31 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Gay, definitely

I never knew. I was so trusting. I never snooped on my N. But the woman who replaced me was a snooper. She found out that he was looking at very, hard core, homo-erotic porn on the internet. Very violent. Just below splatter & snuff. And all focused on men having anal sex with other men. When I finally met the ex-wife (of 20+ years), she too believed that he was gay. And she told me that I was correct in my belief that he was trying to push me into degrading & debasing sexual acts. (I felt that was happening & one of the reasons why I left him.) She told me that he's totally into S/M. And that she knew all about his nights with pornography. (And, he told me he was working all the time & that I was so insensitive to expect him to spend time with his new bride when he had to work so hard all the time!) Mine is a highly respected university professor. None of this weirdness which the "War & Peace" professor indulged which had rumors circulating around campus. NOBODY on campus could fathom what a sick & twisted & perverted individual my N is. Actually, I never fathomed how sick & twisted he was until I met the woman who replaced me & the ex-wife. Brrr. It is so, so creepy.
Aug 1 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"War and Peace" Professor

Thanks for the term ;) It sounds like your former Narc did a better job, so to speak, of keeping his mask on. He put WORK into it. He wasn't lazy. The ex-Psych prof was incredibly effeminate in his voice&his mannerisms. He favored male students over female ones. What's bizarre is that he and my openly gay former Narc boss are SOUNDALIKES. I could mistake those two on the phone. The rumors of the ex-P being gay were still quite alive&well even AFTER his girlfriend (now wife) moved in. The ex-P had a fascination with women who look&act like men. As one of my friends said "He's attracted to you because you look like a boy" (I am tomboyish) His theory was that in "Shakespeare in Love" that the Bard PREFERRED Viola in men's dress. (In that movie, the Bard dresses up like a woman when he plays Juliet) In "War and Peace",Ivanushka, one of the Godsfolk, looks,acts&sounds like a man.. so Prince Andrei has to explain it to Pierre. Nicholas Rostov dresses up like an old woman, and Sonya, dressed up like a hussar with a fake mustache, kisses him, when the Cossacks come to celebrate. He'd talk ENDLESSLY about how he wanted to see me in a fake mustache. Yours is highly respected because he keeps his sickness SECRET. Some Ns/Ps are good at that. Others are too lazy.
Jul 31 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Independent
Independent's picture

I think that they desire what

I think that they desire what is taboo, what is beyond average. What is going to relieve their boredom. I don't think you can apply sexual orientation to this. I think their issues about women are so convoluted and confused that orientation has little to do with what they want.
Jul 30 - 4PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Narcs and gay rumors

The ex-Psych prof had more gay rumors swirling around him than ants at a picnic. He'd ogle male students in class.. and he made the lab assistant my freshman year VERY uncomfortable. He had a circle of male disciples;they'd be wearing their wife beaters&torn jeans while he strutted around in his skin tight jeans (thinking he was a teenage dream)&beret. His favorite translation of "War and Peace" that he'd ALWAYS be reading is the Oxford World's Classics version that has a Russian soldier on the cover wearing VERY form-fitting pants;didn't leave much work for the imagination to do. He'd talk about how "War and Peace" characterizes all evil women as beautiful, all good women as plain, and all men as handsome. He'd go on and on and on and on about male handsomeness. There's a homoerotic scene in "War and Peace" in which Napoleon's male assistants massage&rub him with cologne (as well as brush his chest hair) before the Battle of Borodino. During the final D&D, I heard that in the ex-P's Shakespeare's Sonnets class, he'd talk endlessly about the Handsome Young Man. Let's remember that MOST of the Sonnets are dedicated to the Handsome Young Man instead of the Dark Lady. The ex-P's ex-BOYFRIEND (and fellow prof) warned me about him... not an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. Some of my classmates thought he actually used other women to make me jealous when he was in fact screwing other men. My classmates mocked the ex-P's girlfriend (now wife) as a "dyke" because she wore tank tops, pants suits, didn't look or act feminine. IMHO, I think the ex-P was a CLOSET CASE. Now, my former Narc boss was openly gay. He didn't have fake girlfriends or wives;he had integrity that way. He had a boyfriend who ran an antique store&made no secret of it. At least he was HONEST!!!
Jul 30 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Arwen

Mine liked sex with a woman as a sexual object, he was not gay, but i must add he had such a hatred of gay men, lesbians he seems fascinated by and talked to me once about that subject and that he would like to see two women making love, but never two men.hmmmmmmmmmmm
Jul 30 - 1PM
The Delicious I...
The Delicious Italian's picture

Re: Arwen

My thoughts on the proposed question are: 1. Narc's don't suffer. 2. Narc's don't get turned on by anyone other than themselves. 3. Narc's enjoy the effect that their supposed ED has on their partners esteem. Ex. ( questioning their own sexuality) 4. Sex with a Narc, isn't worth taking my panties off. LOL The Delicious Italian
Aug 1 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Delicious

"3. Narc's enjoy the effect that their supposed ED has on their partners esteem.". That was a great quote. It's true. Any control they can exert even if at their own expense is worth it to them.
Aug 1 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
LostandFound
LostandFound's picture

LOL

Loved that response. :-)