Wondering if I will always be addicted

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 27 - 9AM

twisted

Wondering if I will always be addicted

Hi all,

A lot of time has passed (more than 2 years) since my relationship ended with my toxic man. Although it didn't really 'end' there as he did the push and pull dance with me for a long time after.

I'm feeling a lot clearer, most of the fog has lifted, and now I know who he is for what he is, and I've even got a new healthy relationship that is making me very happy. I really am doing ok.

But, it's like a part of me is still with him. And I don't mean that romantically - I mean I literally still feel invisibly connected to him. It's the craziest thing. I'm a smart woman and yet I see pictures of him and his OW and it looks wrong to me, like I still feel like he's cheating on me and we haven't been together for years. I know I feel robbed out of the future I thought we were going to/supposed to have and maybe that's why I can't let go. So much build up and no follow through, empty promises.

I think I still think about him all the time and miss him and I still feel this intense gravitational pull towards him.

Every time he re-surfaces which is very sporadic now, it still has the power to stop me in my tracks. It's like he has this hold on me that goes so deep. And I can't resist it even though I know better.

Am I always going to feel connected to him like this? We were together a long time (7 years, maybe 2 years good, 5 more of D&D) so maybe this is normal to still be feeling this way? Am I just so emotionally damaged that it will still take longer to get to the stage of indifference?

I'm so strong in all my other areas of life but with him I feel so weak.

#2 Jun 27 - 3PM

really

I think he's one of those

I think he's one of those ideas that you just can't entertain. The box has to stay closed, so to speak. I don't, personally, think the addiction ever goes away, at least not for me. What I can control (now, after a couple years have passed) is my ability to entertain him mentally at all. I can also control my response to the idea of him and the limited contact I do have just by living in the same n'hood. I control my exposure as much as possible. I guess I control my addiction, but I don't think it is or maybe will ever be gone. It lies there underneath the indifference.

#3 Jun 27 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

FINALLYFREE2BME

NC for 5 years

I've been completely no contact for 5 years, have met and married a wonderful guy and have a great life. I cross paths with the N sporadically and every time I get an adreneline surge and can't stop shaking. Between sitings I'm absolutely fine and I think I've reached indifference and moved on. Then another siting happens and whamo! another involuntary reaction. This happens even without making eye contact and completely blanking him. I don't show it at the time, but fall apart later. Then I get mad at myself. He showed up to my husband's gig lately which is why I'm here re-reading the boards. I wish I had found them 5 years ago. :) Take it from someone who's been out 5 years, has read almost everything on narcissism, has been through therapy, and found a great guy..... I believe the emotional addiction runs underneath forever. You just have to learn how to control it.

#4 Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

really

ff2bm

I really appreciate hearing this. I have no idea how much harder it would be if I had a special man in my life. Someday, I hope, when I feel more ready. The one thing I wanted to say is that I still have that adrenaline rush, that "hit", when I unexpectedly catch a glimpse of him, his truck, his dog, the signs for his biz, etc. I know when and where the chances are good to run into him and it's happened enough now that I can control my responses when I can't avoid him. But, it's that innate chemical response in the surprise sightings that let's me know that it is an addiction that can't be enjoyed. Ever.

#5 Jun 27 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Finalyfree2beme

Now I do not feel so badly, I am 2 1/2 year out and while I feel much better, have days when I still struggle and I have NOT met any decent guy to have a healthy relationship with, which I know would help me so much..

#6 Jun 27 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

FINALLYFREE2BME

onwithmylife

I'm glad my comment made you feel better. It's embarrassing to admit I've been NC 5 years and I'm on the boards. (Although intermittantly through the years and I've just recently started posting.) I don't want to discourage anybody in recovery, but I also wanted to show that there's really no shame in fighting the addiction no matter how long you've been free.

#7 Jun 27 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Ladydb123

Really

Your comment fits my situation exactly. I am only 9 weeks out from recognizing who and what he is a sick disordered person. He was only my friend because I was able to resist him on some level (red flags) however our friendship grew into a special bond. I am slowly reclaiming myself from his betrayal of my honest, sincere care for him. I can't even entertain the notion that he would ever be the very sweet and caring man that he pretended to be. I had already told him that I would never lose myself to another man, it seems that I cause him some "narcissistic injury" "Good" because he caused me an injury as well. He burn't his friendship bridge with me. I to will avoid contact as much as possible as well because we only live two miles apart. Seeing him in his evil state will also reenforce my need to stay away. Contempt is what I feel right now because I can't get him off my mind. I just need to avoid him like the "Swine Flu". I hope with all I have that he will become that ugly indifferent memory.

#8 Jun 27 - 11AM

Sparrow

In my opinion, maybe or maybe

In my opinion, maybe or maybe not..........leaning towards maybe only because it is an addiction and everyone knows that once a drug addict, always a drug addict or once and alchoholic, always an alcholoic......the have to fend off their desires daily and are always considered in recovery. So, with that said, I believe the same will apply to us unfortuantely. He will always be there, in our hearts, our minds, buried deep for some, not so deep for others. We should refer to these as SCARS, not memories.........I am sure you get the jist. smiles

#9 Jun 27 - 10AM

gettinbetter

yes!

When someone causes you that kind of deep hurt it bonds you to them (trauma bond) in a weird way. I was with mine for 5 years in my 20 s and now 15 years later we reconnected and when I saw him he felt like home. Its like we just picked up where we left off. It really was quite bizarre. While I am moving on from this and know it is likely that I will never see or speak to him again, I still feel like he has a bit of a hold over me emotionally. I don't think I truly ever be over it but I will heal from it.

#10 Jun 27 - 10AM

Ladydb123

Time

Twisted, recovery from any addiction takes time. Our resistance will be a battle for ever. My only thoughts are that there is no positive "Return on Investment" of our time, love, care with these sick men. I hope you give your new relationship the chance to help you continue to heal.

#11 Jun 27 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

Redhead1

I have to say my addiction to

I have to say my addiction to him is gone. I just wish I could slap the truth out of him and keep on going. When I realized all the hurtful things he did and said to me, i realized I don't ever want him back. Or anyone else like him. I just obsess about him owning his part, which aint gonna happen. I have two children. ages 19 & 20 who refuse to let me forget what he has done to me and them. I guess that probably helps me. He hurt our kids deeply also, so that's 3 strikes for him. Time is the answer to all of this I guess. Hope you get over this hump soon. Stay strong and HUGS!

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