Withholding sex

Since the ex-Psych prof and I never had sex, he didn't like physical affection. When I hugged him at graduation, he tried to run... but the overwhelming reality of the adobe wall behind him stopped him (yeah, reality didn't fit his expectations) He really didn't know how to respond. Since this was after the final D&D, I remember the horror in his eyes before I hugged him. Glad I didn't pucker up or French kiss him. He liked stiff handshakes (and he had problems letting go), so stiff they were numbing. I NEVER saw him be physically affectionate with his girlfriend. One of my friends theorized that perhaps he PURPOSEFULLY did that to NOT give me closure. His lack of affection towards her further validated his inhumanity in the eyes of my classmates. He had used me to look human, couldn't he have at least put on a SHOW of affection with her? He didn't mind that he had this cold, inhuman reputation. I confronted him on it. I told him my classmates HATED him because of how he treated me... and he was ecstatic. My former Narc boss couldn't stand being touched, yet he had a boyfriend. If he so much got his uniform wet, he'd cuss. He didn't like his clothes getting dirty-yet he worked in a kitchen.

Yeah, just another way they punish us. Good read. God bless, Goldie

Thank you for posting this. My N is a most covert type and I used to deal with his PA acting accordingly, two can play this game. It had never affected our sex life. Then, last year, he wanted to involve me in a business project. I refused knowing he would sulk. The usual PA followed and for the first time in 11 years he had little interest in sex. I left him but had him back a few months later. He was pleased as Punch and couldn't do enough for me. It puzzled me that this continued for the 6 months I was there. I'd expected some PA as punishment for having left him. While we had sex it was less than before and routine. He invited me on a holiday I was not keen on. But he let me choose the place and I went along. He clearly did not enjoy it and there was only sex when I initiated it, quite dull. Apart from that, hardly a kiss or cuddle. It couldn't be because of OW, he always had those. I asked him what was wrong. Oh he was feeling bad, trouble at work, burnt out. As though any of that had ever been different with dreary him! I reminded him sex had been the main attraction for me and there was no point in staying together. He was shocked and very angry, had clearly not expected his acting would backfire on him. I really had gone back for the sex (sexless marriage). In a way it made leaving easy. But I had been wondering until now whether my feeling that he was punishing me had been correct or I had overreacted. Many thanks, Scoop, for posting this. It makes a big difference, the guilt has gone.

... this pushes my buttons too. Ditto - in the beginning, we could not keep our hands off each other and it was so exciting, heady heady days. But then he started to say that I should have resisted him for longer, that I had 'brought too much to the banquet' (WTF?). I said I was a single, grown woman and what was the problem. When he returned from a holiday I couldn't wait to see him, but he seemed 'unable' to perform. The next day, he said he wanted to go back home to his house - and this set a rather familiar pattern of getting close then running away. He would also turn his back on me afterwards - and would also not look me in the eye. He once said that 'sex is just sex' - I want to be able to make love to a woman, but it is up to you to show me something I can love in you and I don't think you can. How nice. He then began a phase of TOTALLY witholding sex, whilst still flirting and parading around in front of me. For those old enough and in the UK, there used to be a TV programme called Bullseye where failed contestants where shown what they 'would have won', and that is how it felt. Forever banished to the spare room, whilst hearing him witter on about women he fancied. I suppose if I am honest, I remained friends in the hope that it would all work itself out and we would get back to the honeymoon phase, but reading on here as cured me of that. Scoop - that thing about him saying "you stink" is appalling. I winced about that. Awful, awful people. Back to the same question for me - do they REALISE how AWFUL they are?!!

This was the number one way my exN punished me and controlled our relationship. I was accused of a great many injustices toward him if it upset me that he wasn't "in the mood". According to him I was controlling, manipulative, oversexed, not respecting his space, his person, treating him as an object, too demanding and expected too much - any time I showed disappointment. It even made me self conscious about what clothes I wore around the house with him or to bed so he wouldn't think I wanted sex or was trying to seduce him. And of course, I saw no signs of this during the 'honeymoon' phase when he couldn't get enough and desired me constantly. It was so hurtful and damaging to my self esteem, keeping me in a state of seeking approval and validation from him throughout the rest of our relationship. Thanks for sharing this Scoop.