On wishing for hoovering

I have to admit that this is a problem for me too. Wishing somehow that I will hear from him again, even though I know no good can come of it. Part of me just misses the guy I used to relate to on the mundane things of life, and want to be in touch with that guy again. Unfortunately so much more is attached to that 'guy' and it can never be that simple, ever again.

So I'm sharing some stream of consciousness I was just discussing in an email with a friend about this, to try to talk myself into understanding that hearing from him again is not all it's cracked up to be.

In early January after the x-mas d&d he did email and ask how I was doing after I got back to my city, and when I told him the truth about how rotten I felt and asked him about himself he didn't answer. Which got me all twisted up inside, since he used always be so responsive, so I followed up a couple of days later and asked him where he was and why he wasn't answering, and finally a day or two after that he said he'd answer soon, and then he sent his longer email saying he couldn't love anybody at all and blah blah--the one that sent me to bed in the fetal position.

So even if he did emerge now, 2.5 mos after NC it would of course be on HIS terms. It might be to inquire about my wellbeing or express some regret about how things turned out or want to continue a friendship or some shit like that, but the communication would not be two-way, despite initial illusions to the contrary. There would be NO way for me to engage with him authentically and reciprocally because he could just go cold and shut down if the conversation turned to something that makes him uncomfortable (like sharing honest feelings). Which would be completely the oppposite of how we used to communicate during the idealization phase. So it would be, ultimately, a cheap initial thrill to hear from him, but another frustrating and hurtful dead end, emotionally, and would in all likelihood bring me back to square one. So maybe a hoover or hearing from him again isn't such a good thing.

His email is blocked anyway and I don't check my filters. So maybe he's tried again, I don't know. He's too cheap to text me long distance so I don't need to worry about that, and he wouldn't have the balls to phone me. He'd have to go to some effort to reach me, there would be ways, but he's too lazy, cowardly, or cheap so I likely will never hear from him again.

It's so strange. One minute you're sitting on the couch cuddling with the person you think you're going to be spending the rest of your life with, the next minute you are leaving their home sobbing, not even then realizing that you will never see them again. All because..... because..... "a switch went off" as he put it, the day we had our first fight.

Shaking my head. I had so much love to give to him. So much.