Winter solstice ceremonies helped me see my ex-N in a new light

Hi gals, thanks so much for your support.

I'm sooooo glad I went to winter solstice ceremonies. Connecting with my community and connecting with the earth & spirit really forced me to see reality and things I've never seen before.

1) In my spiritual community there are amazing men. These men honor women, consider them sacred and value their uniqueness and gifts. When I experienced (for the umpteenth time) their love & compassion this holiday, I was forced to compare the ex-N to them. He is a confused & 'broken' 8-yr. old compared to them. Twice this holiday one of these men, a kind of 'older brother' to me, gave me some tough love about my trusting my own intuition and wisdom. He doesn't like that I always ask permission about things and don't trust my gut. He asked me to be mindful about how I disempower myself in a loving, clear way. My ex-N harped on one of my insecurities because it 'annoyed him' and he wished that I'd stop it immediately so he wouldn't be bothered by it. How UNSUPPORTIVE, UNLOVING, ASLEEP AND UNMASCULINE of him to treat me like that. True partners are HEALING partners, and I would never belittle someone for their challenges.

2) For winter solstice last night we had a moon ceremony. In this area the sky was very clear, we could see all the stars, and the full moon was incredible. And even though it's a women's ceremony, we allow men to join us. Last night one of the men in the community joined us, and he was HONORED to be with women who braved the cold for hours in order to pray and honor the earth. He was MOVED and said that he wanted to bring the sacred feminine more into his life and consciousness, so he could be more of a true man. When I compared my ex-N to him...there was no comparison. This morning, this particular man hugged me & told me I was important to him and he felt we were both growing together, and he was proud of me moving to California on faith. The ex-N almost never acknowledged me, nor could he accept acknowledgment or praise from me (which I never understood). This man, and all the men in my community, really 'see' me, in the truest sense. Ex-N only saw what he claimed as supply to fill the dark void in his soul...he really never saw me or knew me. Nor will he be capable of 'seeing' or truly knowing anyone, not himself.

3) While I have a lot of crises of faith (sometimes several in a day!), deep down I really believe in the interconnectedness of all things & people. Animals, trees, rocks & people are all sacred to me. When I visited ex-N, I immediately recognized the magic and deep knowing of his dog. That dog completely knew the deep pain ex-N carried and really worked hard to be a healing companion. There is no mistake that dog came into his life and he is blessed beyond measure to have her be in service to him in that way. Did he see that? Never. When I mentioned how special she was, he would reduce her to any old animal and would claim that she's basically stupid...which broke my heart. He trained her well to be obedient, but in a way that smacked of control and ego. He had her on one of those leashes that wind up in a plastic case; when he released it and she could walk far, he'd say to her,'Free, go free!' Unbelievable...he used the term 'freedom' as if it were something he could give and take away...totally f*kd up. And he's completely unconscious of it. I think if her ever 'woke up' and saw how he truly is...he'd be as horrified as I am.

4) Ex-N was UNSAFE. Being with my community this weekend clarified that. He was a horrible communicator, and admitted it early on. He didn't know what he was feeling and would throw his anger indiscriminately. My brothers & sisters in this community work really hard to communicate with love & compassion, even when it's anger or disappointment. Ex-N wasn't capable of the consciousness to be able to do that. He is truly asleep. I had a 'relationship' with a wounded, broken child who doesn't know how much he needs help & treatment.

I have wounds & scars, but I know it. I know what parts of me are 'broken' or in need of repair...and I DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I go to therapy. I talk to friends. I scream for 'help' when I need to. I come here to these AWESOME boards. I read personal growth books. I go to workshops. I reflect on my words & actions & try to grow, heal & change.

Ex-N could only tell me that he had abandonment and trust issues, and that they were big for him. Wow, really deep. I fell for that b**l sh*t.

Hey ex-N: Yeah, your dad died when you were 4 and your mom's always been an active alcoholic...takes a lot of 'insight' to figure out those issues, huh???? Well, you need to WORK ON YOUR ISSUES to wake up. Walking around claiming you know what they are is BS, if you don't really see them present in your daily life. If you don't see them and seek to heal them, it's all an act to make it look like you're awake and self-aware. You couldn't be self-aware if you tried. You're completely asleep and unconscious and mired in your own self-deception & numbing. You may not drink like your mom, yet have your own addictions - obsessively reading science fiction...being a perfectionist & crazy control freak...controlling other people...watching a lot of graphically violent or dark-themed movies...

Ex-N was a really, horribly, unbelievably f*kd up man.

This solstice gave me that gift of awareness.
And I also learned that my BPD mom primed me for all the NARCS (7 or 8?) that I dated. It's very clear to me now.

If I had not grown up with my crazy, BPD mom...all of my ex-bf's wouldn't be narcs.

That crazy BPD mom of mine really screwed up my head. The presence of this most recent ex-N in my life is proof positive of that.

This morning, when that 'big brother' of mine was giving me a pep talk, he said, 'Leah, your mom may be f*kd up, but YOU'RE NOT and your instincts are good and you need to trust them.'

I need to undo the programming of my BPD mom.

I need to learn to trust myself and my inner knowing. Nobody can do that for me. No amount of outside validation can do that for me. I need to do it from the inside. It's an inside job.

PD'd parents are awful. They should be denied permits to have offspring. Or they should be required to release their children to non-PD'd families. The trauma they inflict on their children is horrendous.

I promise to stick to this healing path. I will not let the deceptions & manipulations of the ex-N continue to stomp on my self-esteem.

And I'm the ultimate abuser of myself, if I'm not mindful.

A few weeks ago I went to a women's retreat & took a sacred hike in the woods. I had a moment when I heard the following words...I don't know where they came from,,,

"The presence of an abuser is your life is the external evidence of the internal presence of self-abuse."

I am dedicated to healing that broken part of me. I am going to be more conscious of trusting, seeing & knowing myself.

Thanks for listening, gals,
Leah