Will I Ever Be Okay Again?

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#1 Aug 21 - 10PM

FreeToBe

Will I Ever Be Okay Again?

Please tell me I'm going to be okay again someday.

Essentially it's been over a year since I was with my ex. I'm trying to go on with my life. I really am. I am working hard on fixing areas of my life that need to be fixed. I'm spending more time with my friends and with my family. I'm striving for a promotion at work and I have returned to school for my degree. I have so much to be grateful for and I most certainly am.

I still think about him. I still think I feel him. My soul still longs for the promise of what could have been and at times, was. This person brought into my life pure blissful joy and absolute devastation. I want JOY back!

I'm trudging forth with all of my might but I don't know where the hell I am going anymore.

How do I find joy again? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever believe in love again?

Blah. I guess this is more of a vent then anything.

I hope you all are doing a little better than I am tonight.

FreetoBe

#2 Aug 22 - 12AM

Done sourcing

You are going to be ok again

You are going to be ok again someday! In fact it's gonna be better than okQ Look at what you are accomplishing. Incredible. New increased time with family and friends. That is so important for a normal life, if you are lucky enough to have family. Take a look around. You say you dont know where you are going. You do. You are going forward. You just dont know what it is going to look like because your frame of reference is the past. You dont want past joy. You just need to know that there will be new future joy. Let go of the past, let go of the illusion of him. You sound very focused. What a gift that is. I remember the chaos and craziness and insanity during the d and d I had. I certainly wasnt focused. Now I get pretty focused most of the time. I get your pain and sorrow. But I also felt compelled to acknowledge all of your accomplishments. Give yourself some credit. ds

#3 Aug 22 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

FreeToBe

DS~ I cannot thank you enough

DS~ I cannot thank you enough for your response! I'm so glad I came here and posted tonight! You're right...I know that I am on the forward path. I have just been so steadfast and focused on moving past the ruins; getting as far, far away as I possibly can. In one of my classes I had to draw a "Life Map" of where I have been and what my future looks like. That was the coolest assignment ever, let me tell you! Especially considering where I was at the time. The future IS unknown but I am paving the path for a better tomorrow. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that. Thank you! Since posting this, I also took a visual trip down memory lane over the past year by looking at my photos and I can honestly say that it has been a good year. My photos consist of happy times, family, friends, pets and my glorious gardens (the best they've been in years). The very fact alone that I have so many photos this year speaks volumes! Maybe I am going to be okay after all. As you said...[I need to] "Let go of the past, let go of the illusion of him". Doing so is the last step for me. It's a very difficult thing to do. Here is a big ole *HUG* from me to you! Thanks again. FreetoBe

#4 Aug 22 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Done sourcing

Thanks back at you. I

Thanks back at you. I sometimes post to others what I need to be reminded of myself. And that is sure the case here. I have done so much work, and yet have momentary lapses of sanity and feel the suction action coming at me. 5 deep breaths usually does the trick. I sometimes catch myself saying, I miss my family! Then when I think about it, she was abig pain in the ass. Everything required grat patience and eggshell dancing. Not anyore!!! It ain't perfect, but it is much better alone. ds

#5 Aug 22 - 12AM

ordinarycourage

Finding Joy Again

Thanks for the link...I think lots of us need to read that and realize that we aren't missing a happy future with our N. It doesn't exist. I was watching I.D. and a prosecutor had recognized someone as a sociopath and the show went on to characterize someone with borderline personality disorder. It's great to have that kind of public awareness of this disorder.

#6 Aug 22 - 1AM (Reply to #4)

rosedewittbukater

welcome:)

You are right. There definitely needs to be more awareness though! Much pain and suffering could be avoided if people could know what all the red flags and other signs are! And you ARE going to be okay again!!

#7 Aug 22 - 12AM

rosedewittbukater

Being happy again

I think I could have written your post myself. Though it has been less time for me, not a moment goes by that I do not think of her - and what could have been (and what was - for a while at least). This is a good article that tries to answer your question. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors/discussions/messages/11523062 Don't be discouraged. Personally, I believe that part of what makes us stay "stuck" is the belief that the only way to heal and go forward means having to stop loving that person. I reject this idea. Accept the feelings of loss and feel them. It means you have the ability to love deeply. You are bettering yourself and this is something to be proud of. xx Rose

#8 Aug 22 - 1AM (Reply to #2)

FreeToBe

Yes, thank you for the link

Yes, thank you for the link Rose! You know...it's not even so much about his happiness anymore. Why should I care about his happiness when he made it very clear that he does not care about me? That article was great and parts of it feel like it was written specifically for me. LOL! I think I'm gonna make this my mantra: "A man is not the 'cake' -- a relationship is only the icing on the cake of a good life." FreetoBe

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