Will i ever be free?

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#1 Jul 1 - 7AM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Will i ever be free?

There seems to be an awful lot of chat about NC... and trying to keep it that way. Hmmm..
We (now exN) broke up over 2 weeks ago, so far nothing, and I don't want any contact whatsoever. I'm doing OK, getting stronger everyday.

She told me she loves her boss etc. and I made it perfectly clear to her that i wouldn't have her back. The end.

But people keep telling me to 'be prepared'. Even my friends seem to have a 6th sense and they don't know the condition. I've got a horrible feeling i'm going to get a knock at the door at some point, probably late at night.

Will I ever be free?

Jul 1 - 7PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

It is wise

to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best, that she moves on and leaves you alone to heal. What will you do if she does come a'knockin? Maybe play it out in your head just in case. Give yourself a starring role, imagine yourself as calmly refusing to answer the door, dealing with DD calmly and effectively, and calling the cops if she creates a disturbance. Or whatever would be your version of handling it with strength and power. The thing is they DO come back, like a bee to a reliable source of pollen. Make yourself VERY unreliable lol!! I was so terrified to run into my exN. We lived in a teensy little town up on a mountain at the time I got an RO and kicked him out. I ran into him all the time. I eventually left the area and what relief that was. I was mostly afraid of how *I* would feel seeing him. I sorta knew he would accuse, insult, hoover, beg, promise, try to touch me and look at me with his big brown eyes. It was myself I didn't trust. I still worry about that. Not that I'll go rushing into his arms but I really loved him. We had genuine good times together. The trauma bonding adds to the suck factor. I didn't want to expose myself to the further trauma, so I avoided seeing him at all costs. I made sure everyone we knew mutually knew I was armed and would blow his head off and THEN call 911. I don't know if I really could have, that's not the point. Now I don't have to live that way, that's the point. But it took time to get here. When there is a child involved, "no contact" is a wish and a prayer, but folks manage somehow. My regards go out to them, they are some tough folks. Will you ever be free? Yes, I promise. Your impression of "freedom" may change over time, though. Become more realistic, in ways that surprise you in both good and bad ways lol. I am free of my exN. The damage done by him to me is not over, I'll never recover financially, I won't live that long. I'll never traipse through the daisies without watching for snakes. He took my innocence which ended up being a good thing. I'll probably never trust that uber romantic falling-in-love feeling again. But that's OK. I think it's part of growing up (finally). I am happy a normal amount of the time. It's only been two weeks. Those two weeks will someday be two years. THEN, ask this question, if you even need to :) Keep you eye on the goal -- your healing and you will naturally arrive there :)
Jul 2 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Hi Briseis

Thanks for your comment and advice particularly 'Keep you eye on the goal -- your healing and you will naturally arrive there'. No doubt i will run into her at some point but this time i'll be prepared. I have found as the days turn into weeks i am getting stronger and better. I feel my old self coming back. She will become a memory - history. Thanks again
Jul 1 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Being Free

One has to be free in one's own mind. I think an N will come back again & again. Whenever lonely or needy, he may turn up seeking the best of old supply Even years down the line. The only way they never come back is if the victim got the upper hand somehow. Generally by exposure or public humiliation--the victim left a very bad taste in the N's mouth & N has bait aversion.
Jul 1 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Getting the upper hand

That might explain why my ex-P has NEVER come back to me. I think it was a combination of public humiliation/exposure. People don't think highly of men who reduce women to tears in public... especially if the man is a teacher and the woman is his student. And it didn't help that he and the OW made a hasty retreat so I could tell his fellow professors (including one who went to him with graduate school),"He didn't tell me he already had a girlfriend." So, instead of introducing his girlfriend to all of his colleagues for the FIRST TIME, he beats a hasty retreat (and is far ahead of her on the stairs), because of ME. Realizing I had the power to humiliate him (because he was a lousy liar) was very empowering. When I met the OW, I was no longer the weeping, powerless girl he could emotionally abuse and lie to. I got the upper hand. No wonder my ex-P is NC.
Jul 1 - 5PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Thanks

Thanks for everyone comments. It certainly making me feel better. I have seen my doctor and i'm on a waiting list to get some CBT. I have had some therapy in Feb and march.. but that was before what i know now ie. that she is narcissistic. I am trying not to think about her etc. but it's hard as i realise i've been 'brain washed' and i have to 'unwash' my brain or train it to get it back to how i was before i met her. I feel I am getting there, but understanding what I have been through is the first step. Once I understand and gain insight and share my feelings (at least i have some). Then i can work through this. I'm trying not to think too much about the future and focus on the moment. Why worry about the destination at the expense of the journey! Cor I should have written a star wars script!
Jul 1 - 11AM
ewa
ewa's picture

freedom

This if you will be free in this case demands only on you. You need to put some work in order to get to the point where you will not question this if you will ever be free. And i am sure every one of us with some effort will sooner or later reach this point. I really hope it for myself and everybody on this forum. Thats why we are here :). I am not 100% there , but i feel closer and closer. "and I don't want any contact whatsoever." - this is good, this means you moved forward, good job! :)
Jul 1 - 11AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

imabloke

Wonderful advice from GIJ. I couldn't agree more. I particularly like this saying: Yesterday is history Tomorrow, a mystery Today is a gift That's why we call it the Present In my opinion, as long as you always stay mindful and be honest with yourself, you need not fear giving into her if she should come back. It is always a possibility, but knowledge is power, my friend, and what you know now will help you avoid her game in the future. For now, enjoy the gift of the present. :)
Jul 1 - 8AM
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Be here today

If you live in thoughts of fear of the future, you will be robbed of today. Focus on today and what's next in 15 minute increments, then moving up to 1/2 hour then hour. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I would recommend you check out the mindfullness book and CD that Sandra Brown put together. (Saferelationshipsmagazine). It will help you to focus on the present and move beyond the obsessive thinking they create in our heads. Think about it, your narc isn't thinking of you. She's moved on and yet, here you are still thinking about her. it's part of recovery from the experience top just stop thinking about them and getting to that detached place. We can't control the narcs, only our response to them. The stronger you get, the better you will be able to a) maintain NC and b) handle any unexpected encounters. You will be able to trust and rely on yourself. Hang in there. It will get better and you will get through this!!
Jul 1 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I agree completely

I agree with this advice so much that I don't have anything to add to it.
Jul 1 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Steph
Steph's picture

"If you live in thoughts of

"If you live in thoughts of fear of the future, you will be robbed of today. Focus on today and what's next in 15 minute increments, then moving up to 1/2 hour then hour. Tomorrow will take care of itself." excellent advice!
Jul 1 - 7AM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Freedom

Freedom for me came with detachment and being able to let go. I know there will come a time when there will be some kind of contact, but I think i am in a place where I will be able to cope. 2 weeks is still very very early days, so you can't expect to be leaping all those hurdles just yet. Are you in any kind of therapy? You will need more help in working through some of this stuff, don't try to do it on your own.

Nevergoback