Why's today so much harder than yesterday?

Many times today I've started to consider writing the good bye letter and each time I try I sob. I want him to be what he was supposed to be, what he pretended to be and I know he never will be. But every time I try to say goodbye and be 'done' I have a panic attack and can't do it. Why? I have had NC since May 1st, aside from a few hoover attempts on his part, I've heard nothing from him (block are either working or he isn't trying).

It hurts knowing he could give a fuck less about me, about my son, after spending so much time believing we were his world (delusional belief on my part, since he went home every night - he claims not to be with his wife but to be with his kids). If he were to show up right now I would crumble.. Its like all the strength and power I felt yesterday is gone and today and a weak pile of shit. God it hurts sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

Someone say something funny, or something to take the focus off this misery I feel please. He was never mine to begin with, he didn't exist, he'll never exist. But I miss my dream :(

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