why would they try to destroy you by lying to others?

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#1 Jun 18 - 11PM
Leah2
Leah2's picture

why would they try to destroy you by lying to others?

Thank you everyone for your incredible support on my first post (about "blank eyes").

My ex-husband has been spreading horrible rumors about me perhaps for months before he left. He started telling people about "our problems" before I knew we had any. Then walked out and divorced me 3 months ago (saying we just couldn't work it out; I still do not know what IT is. He told people I did not want a baby while I told him that I did?? Again, I remain stunned and feel like the past 5 years of perfection never existed.

But the really insane thing is that, since the divorce (I left the country we were living in in Europe and moved back to NYC) he has started telling his co-workers (one of whom is a friend) that I beat him!!! The truth is that I hit his arm out of shock when he announced the divorce out of the blue while we were walking hand in hand in the middle of a busy street and then walked off without giving me a chance to say anything; I am half his size--how much damage could that do??. He has told his boss that he is physically scared of me, yet I am a petite woman who did nothing but love him and I am the one who left the country immediately after the divorce because I could not bear to be in the same place as him owing to the shock of it all! And he moved out of our home secretly one weekend while I was away, just before telling me he was leaving me--and I still do not now where he lives! He told is boss that I am stalking him when I no longer live on the same continent and all I have done is try to reach him on his cellphone but he has not taken my calls for two months.

Why would he slander me in this way? He simply refuses to have anything to do with me, but seems to be paranoid or just spinning lies to people to make me look like I am crazy. Is this because I told him that I knew in my heart that he left me because he is sick? What made me suspect this is both the blank eyes as well as the fact that he would often repeat things that I told him verbatim, without "thinking" or "analyzing" and I wondered why he did this.

I am now committed to going NC, but I just do not understand any of this. Why would someone do such things? Are they incapable of thinking for themselves and just copy people? Is he psychotic and thinks that I am out to get him? Is he trying to destroy me because I did not just "go away quietly" but, instead, kept calling him for an explanation?

Jun 19 - 10PM
Susan32
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Passing the blame

After my ex-P D&D'd me, I went into NC mode after I found out he ALREADY had a girlfriend (he had always dangled the "potential boyfriend" thing before me). So, I went into a teacher education program. Since he had written a letter of recommendation for me loooong before the D&D and subsequent NC, I have suspicions about a terrible incident that happened WHILE I was in the program. It was about 9:30, 10 PM at night, and I got a call from one of my professors. She ordered me to NOT come back the next day because I was "dangerous to children" and "to be professional, don't tell anyone." I've had my suspicions (and this was a decade ago) that my ex-P was behind this. I had volunteered at elementary school classrooms my junior (and part of my senior) years without incident. Here I was, being accused of being dangerous to children. I'm sure my ex-P wanted ATTENTION, but I was too furious and too numb to break NC. And mind you, my ex-P was a former professor of mine, which makes it worse...
Jun 19 - 11AM
secondchance
secondchance's picture

yes, yes and yes!

count your blessings that you are done! they all lie and try to blame others. we were having some problems obviously but i didn't think we were headed for divorce and mine sat our son down and told him terrible things about me. he also wrote a letter to my parents saying what a horrible person i was. he had never done anything wrong. blah, blah. two different therapists told him after that misleading people to that degree is lying. you have to STOP trying to apply any logic to their actions. it will make you crazy. in time (it might not be on your time) people will know the truth about them. hang in there and be glad you're free!
Jun 19 - 8AM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

They all do it. Their so

They all do it. Their so NOT unique. My ex beat me and put me in hospital and was convicted. I never in the 8 years even shouted at him. Social services asked him if I did anything to him and he said no. This was all written down for court. Since we split he wrote to my solicitor saying I hit him on occasions, he's even told the children I beat him up. He told me his ex punched him, when I called her she told me he punched her in the face, obviously They try and convince themselves of the lies they tell themselves and others so they can be exonerated from any blame, that way they will never feel guilt or shame. It's a way of protecting themselves from those emotions that they don't want to ever feel. Laugh them off, laugh at his pathetic little ramblings, see him for what he is a pathetic broken, lying abuser who swims around in rage. Now that's the emotion they do feel.

Ending the dance

Jun 19 - 3AM
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Because...

They are ALWAYS the victims !! I don't know why they feel to need to lie about us !! Maybe to try to keep people on their sides. Guess they think all people (including us) are just stupid. But in the end, everyone will see thru them and realize that they just SUCK and they are the problem, NOT us !! Don't let it bother you cuz you know you know the truth and anyone that knows you probably does too. Just let him keep blabbering. You are walking away the better and bigger person !!
Jun 19 - 12AM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

answer

why would they try to destroy you by lying to others? TO COVER UP THEIR BEHAVIOR
Jun 19 - 12AM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Why they do it!

Hi Leah, I'm sorry your having such a hard time getting your head around this stuff, but it is a mind bending process that all of us have to, unfortunately, go through. All of this you have mentioned is simply projection. All of the things he is accusing you of, he did. If he did not actually do it then he is trying to establish that it is all YOU!! Don't believe it or question yourself because it keeps you in that crazy, senseless spin. You are trying to rationalise the irrational and it cannot be done. It is always amazing when you find how long ago they actually began their smear campaigns and how sometimes they "set you up" around other people to prove their story while you had absolutely no idea what was going on and only find out much much later that you walked into a carefully laid trap. This is the story I tell myself if my brain ever tries to rationalize. You have probably heard it somewhere before, but it helps me to remember it. http://www.actsweb.org/articles/article.php?c=2&d=2&i=1031 The Scorpion and the Frog "Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil" (Jeremiah 13:23, NIV). You've no doubt read the old fable about the scorpion and the frog. It illustrates how man's nature is much more devious and controlling than is his logic. The fable says how, "One day a scorpion arrived at the bank of a river he wanted to cross, but there was no bridge. He asked a frog that was sitting nearby if he would take him across the river on his back. The frog refused and said, 'I will not, because you will sting me.' "The scorpion replied, 'It would be foolish for me to sting you because then we would both drown.' "The frog saw the logic in the scorpion's words, and agreed to carry the scorpion across. But when they were halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The stunned frog asked, 'Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!' "The scorpion replied, 'Because I'm a scorpion … and that's what scorpions do.'" Other variations the scorpion said "That's my nature" In a nutshell, while you maintain contact, the scorpion is on your back. Why is simply, that's what they DO! It has got NOTHING to do with anything YOU have done. Hope that helps Hugs

Nevergoback

Jun 19 - 12AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

leah....same here

This is exactly what my ex N did and does...He says he knows now what i am capable of...What i did was throw a very light home sleepers at a pile dvds near his pc while he was watching a music video (with a g string babe,only her butt on the screen).He was doing a little dance watching that after he had told me he wasn't attracted to me and to F**k me he had to think about something else.....And that after i had travelled 10.000 miles from Europe to the USA to be with him...(please read my story }Well he is a very big guy, and me i am average....So i threw a shoe and slammed the bathroom door.....And he says i am dangerous,and wants nothing to do with a person like me....And i only didthat because he was giving me the silent tretment for a whole day already and watching videos and sying the women in there were really enticing and had nice a***s....and he was withdrawing affection,pushing and pulling,blowing hot and cold...And that i should accept it and when i go to just go quietly...they are all the same....so you are not alone inthat situation....they are delusional.

Aceonelady

Jun 19 - 12AM
Steph
Steph's picture

Leah

Read this link. Maybe it will help answer your questions:) http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/02/27/narcissist-slanderer-or-narcissists-smear-campaign