Why Narcissists are Addicted to Pornography

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#1 Jun 2 - 11PM

Lisa E. Scott

Why Narcissists are Addicted to Pornography

SassyRedHead - I'm so glad you found our forum. It makes me so mad that you have had to endure this from this man. I don't know if this will help, but I've copied and pasted some text from my book, which explains why Narcissists are warped sexually. Please know this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It's all about him!

Narcissists do not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see a woman as cute (i.e. sweet) and sexy at the same time. No, narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categoriesâ€”saintly or sexy. They have a very difficult time seeing a woman as both. To them, a woman is either one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-whore complex.

If a woman is sweet and nice, she is classified as a Madonna. If she challenges him, she is defined as a whore. A Madonna is sexless. A whore turns a narcissist on like nothing else. In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure.

A Madonna fulfills a narcissistâ€™s need to be catered to like a child. A whore fulfills his adult sexual needs. A whore is the only type of woman that turns a narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a narcissist will inevitably become sexless.

Many narcissists revert to pornography at this point, because it portrays women as whores. Pornography is degrading to women, and this is exactly what turns a narcissist on. Many become addicted to pornography.

A narcissist eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. I believe it is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless. You become the Madonna. He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is not because he is in love with you in any adult or mature way. He needs you to continue to cater to his needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to stroke his ego, should the outside world fall short of his expectations.

I fear the easy access young teenagers have to pornography today breeds narcissism. When pornography is a teenagerâ€™s first introduction to sex, I believe it skews their understanding of it. Instead of learning that sex is something you save for someone you love, they see people having sex with many random people in pornography.

What does this tell teens about sex? It tells them that sex is not sacred. It teaches them that sex need not be reserved for only the one you love. Many teens today are learning about sex and love through pornography. As a result, I believe they see the two as mutually exclusive.
In other words, they see sex and love as two completely separate entities, which is precisely how a narcissist views them.

A narcissist does not view sex as a reflection of oneâ€™s love for another. He views sex as something completely separate from love. To a narcissist, love is sexless, pure, and saintly, whereas sex is dirty and reserved for whores.

#2 Oct 9 - 10PM

Barbara (not verified)

narcs and porn

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#3 Jul 22 - 6PM

insectt (not verified)

whatever

My N was like that too...at the beginning. Always wanted me to be satisfied. Thought I was 'perfect'...told me that he could see being with me long term because we are compatible sexually, mentally and creatively. We had the same sense of humours and he could see himself waking up to me everyday...blah, blah, blah. Now, two years later, after we bought a house together...he is seeing someone else who he says is 'different somehow' and 'if he has to be monogomous he has to be careful who picks for that' (meaning he would attempt to be monogomous with her but not me...WTF?!) As Barbara has stated...WHO CARES what he said in the past...they only say things to get what they need satisfied at the time. If they were real people and REALLY meant what they said then we all wouldn't be here refelcting, mourning, healing from them right now.

#4 Jul 22 - 2PM

whatever2009

curious

Im in the no contact phase...however....this has me curious... Im wondering, what if he see's you as the madonna....and still desires you sexually. I mean that my N, thinks Im close to perfect, he wont "commit" or denies "commiting" as he's "not ready" and "not good enough". The whole time leading me to beleive we were committed........confusing to the average women, but probabaly makes sense to you guys. Anyways he always said im the "complete package" and when I find someone who can give me everything he will understand and back off. He also says that we have "lines" still to cross sexually. He is never degrading..however each time he would try to cross a different line sexually. Whenever I was with him, he cannot keep his hands off me (unless he had anxiety about something, then he would just sleep). But my point is, do they ever see you as the madonna and wish you could also be the whore? He was into pulling hair, a bit of slapping, once called me a bitch. Do they escalate? Do they try and combine the 2 to get complete satisfaction? He also would say I just dont "FUCK" you we have sex, make love to. He would say sex with me was so different, he actually felt different and he would get all weird....it was like he felt "normal" for a minute and was thrown off.....lol lol. And he is HUGE on cuddling...I hate it, he loves it. weird? or I guess there are so many degrading things he wants to do and knows I wont do them. he tries though.

#5 Jun 9 - 9PM

jenn99 (not verified)

whore complex

this is def true of narcissists... my n made me turn into a whore and made me his whore...and dress like a whore and call myself one...that was my 'alter ego' and the only thing he claimed he liked...he didn't like the 'real me' but the whore he made me into...along with the control that's what turned him on-- also the concept of prostitutes turned him on-- blue eyeshadow, red lipstick... when he did photoshoots with me or any model prior ...he had them wear heavy blue eyeshadow red lipstick and do their make up like a whore...dress like one and wear heels...heels turned him on more than anything...any woman in heels...this oen took the whore complex to another level adn it was all about that...he also made his 'whore' not really his 'gf'...do things sexually that people do to whores or slaves in porn and was heavily into porn and wanted to emulate concepts from it mostly sadistic or degrading ones...and was into some of those sick things...he wud also say in the beginn...'are you my gf or are you my whore' and it couldn't really be defined...he would call me by my alternate ego name...and i realyl was that whore...but not the actual me...the real me was his 'gf' but he didn't like that person he liked the whore...classic...

#6 Jun 4 - 3PM

sassyredhead

Thanks Again!

Thank you all so much for your support! I appreciate it! :)

#7 Jun 3 - 4PM

RenewD

Madonna-Whore

As I was reading Lisa's book over the weekend, I came to this part. While I read it, a whole world of emotions rushed through me so fast and so hard that I literally through the book and started sobbing. For 20 years I was with a man that would go for months...almost WHOLE YEARS without even kissing me. This was one of the most horrific, painful, insulting behaviors of all. He would flat out reject me. He'd be too tired, he'd tell me I wasn't wearing the right clothes, he wasn't in the mood. Every night for months and months. I've always been told that I was attractive. Before I met him, I had many people interested in me. Even while we were married, his friends would tell me how lucky he was to have such a beautiful wife. Men would hit on me in bars. So this behavior hurt so bad. I knew anyone would be happy to be with me, but my husband, the only person I COULD be with, denied me sex for unbearable amounts of time. I wondered if he was having an affair. I thought maybe he was gay and hid it from me. SO MANY THINGS went through my head trying to understand this behavior. And I would cry myself to sleep every night. After we were married for 8 years, I threw him out. He moved in with his grandfather and during this time "found Jesus". I was seeing someone, and had to drop the relationship because I was told by everyone that knew me that he was a changed man and he found God and I had to give him another chance. I fell for it too and we got back together. This changed man admitted that he had hidden his addiction to pornography from me all these years and that THAT was the reason for all our problems. But he had a new thing to hold over my head, I was seeing someone, so I had an affair because we weren't divorced yet, and because of that he felt he could never have sex with me. Even though HE begged ME to come back because God told him it was the right thing for us. After two years, I left him and we were divorced.... We got back together 1 1/2 years later, and he swore again he was a changed man. He told me he had broken his addiction to pornography and would never touch it again. But the sex issues continued after we got remarried, and I lived that same way again for another 7 years. Until one day I was looking at the history on the internet and found the porn all over the place... That time I left him for good. I had a really hard time after that being able to feel good enough about myself to date. He treated me like I was so dirty, so disgusting, I thought no one would ever want me. I met my now fiancee, and he was shocked that anyone could possibly make me feel that way about myself. I still struggle with the insecurity. So when I read this section of Lisa's book, it was such a bittersweet, painful realization for me. This was what the problem REALLY had been. I WAS TOO GOOD...too nice, too pure for him to be able to be with me sexually. Not the ugly dirty whore he would tell me I was..... I'm still shocked. But now I know I can get over this and start to feel human again... Lisa this one thing changed my thinking so profoundly that I will never be able to thank you enough for writing about it. I will never be the same again...thank God!

#8 Jun 10 - 3PM (Reply to #29)

jenn99 (not verified)

sex, porn

that's how some are, even the sex addicted ones...to this day we havent had sex im a virgin...and he literally wont or can't take my virginity...it's kind of scary....then claims i don't put out...two years at first he kept saying "i don't wanna f* you"...rejecting and rejecting....soem aren't that bad btu this one....not even into just interesting sexual things with his gf/whore...just pornographically related degrading acts...which are mostly sadistic that don't involve a lot of pleasure for the victim...signs fo a real s p or sexual sadist...then he moved in with me only to reject me more sexually and made it to where it was almost no touching...wasnt wearing the right lingerie wasn't doing this....wud only want to get sexual with me if i was dressed like a 'whore' or dressed slutty or sexy...then he got kicked out and it was back to being semi sexual....its as if the closer they get to a person in living quarters the more control they want and the more they fear intimacy or sex so they reject it out of fear of abandonment...then it came toa pt where he was asking for sexual things...rather than saying no no i don't want it....but still would not have sex with his virgin gf or didn't care to try and jsut gave up...as if it was an impossibility....then I think he left me and is now having sex with other women but thruout the whole relationship wud ask "can i f* her" but would say to his gf "i don't wanna have sex with you"..but was offering to have sex with other women....and said he was waiting until marriage--so essentially he'll do anything or anynoe except his gf...because he's waiting for 'the right thing' in his own sick mind with her-- really sick guy....also would not let his gf stay at his place or sleep in his bed but will invite any woman to..including prostitutes...and the first time we had a photoshoot b4 meeting me he invited em to his place to stay the night but once i became his 'gf' i was never allowed over....this guy was extremely sick and twisted and insane....this particular n also refused to let his gf stay at his place but for 'business purposes' was going to bring women to his house to do phonesex adn other htings...so sex with everyone else except his 'girlfriend'...he expected his gf to be ok with being kicked out and rejected so he cud invite prostitutes and do sex business with them...along with who knows what..also claims he had to d this 'business' so he could make money to take better pictures for the 'love of his life' and there was apparently no other way of making money except having women over to do sexual acts on camera, phonesex, or other things..which was horrific..and wud say how much he loved you but that that was 'business'..prostitution was also 'business' in his mind and not cheating so..a sex addict like that who is into every sick thing possible but thats not cheating yet if his 'gf' platonically hangs out with a guy he goes ballistic and says 'that's cheating' but sex for money isn't and having women over for sexual business things was ok....was even sexually interested in the gf's 'mother'...or anyone for that matter...to him his gf was a fantasy object a 'whore' he could control and he had to keep that fantasy going...and make her do certain things and degrade her and treat her badly...and even lower than hookers he let in his place who he probably paid money to...they also lack sexual interest i their partners because they're objects to them and not real people...hookers are objects of sex though....signifiacnt others for alot just seem to be objects...a lot of n's also go thru extreme phases of cheating...they'll make up odd excuses...or even break up with their 'partners' temporarily...saying "i don't wanna be with you or im leaving you"....so they can go cheat and do what they want...then they'll come back...and pretend nothing happened and everything is ok...they'll even say "want to be my girlfriend again" or "how did you feel without me"...that way...they make it look like...they were playing a game of testing you...or punishing you...while they were cheating...then they'll come back, blame it on you...get back 'together' with you...and be a significant other again and they repeat those cycles throughout the 'relationship'...the serious malignant n's can do that pattern and others do it various ways but they will always leave to go cheat then come back...it is nightmarish for anyone involved with heartless no conscience sadists like them...

#9 Jun 4 - 11AM (Reply to #28)

Barbara (not verified)

no one believes there's 'no sex'

This was what the problem REALLY had been. I WAS TOO GOOD...too nice, too pure for him to be able to be with me sexually. Not the ugly dirty whore he would tell me I was... Despite the fact Psycho-Boy now posts this about me everywhere he can: When he did meet up with you, to his horror, he saw that his ex-girlfriend from college had ballooned into a 275 lb fat pig with poor hygiene and he didnâ€™t want to bang you. He politely excused himself by saying he couldnâ€™t do this to his wife. You then began stalking him and his family, driving by his house, sending letters to his wife, his parents, his in-laws, his rabbi, the police, anyone with whom you thought you could slander his good name. His poor wife was left with no choice but to report you to the police after you threatened to harm her children. my attorney and the police have verified copies of chats where he told me I was "too good" and "too nice" as well as NUMEROUS chats where I told him having an affair "wasn't right" and encouraged him time & time again to talk to his wife and/or seek counseling... despite the fact that his wife now participates in harassing me and has believed all the B.S. he told her about me. (that I 'planted' his hooker reviews and 'sexually taunted' him into making homemade porn... LOL!!) Everything he said above, btw - is a complete fabricated lie. But like most psychopaths, he figures if he says it enough people will believe it. ~~~~~ The other aspect here is the EMBARRASSMENT! People look at you like you're nuts when you tell them your husband (my exNH) won't be intimate with you - let alone kiss you. They don't believe it. I wasn't always overweight and I'd get hit on a lot and go home to the "ice man!" It was demeaning. When I did initiate sex he'd be very matter-of-fact about it and degrade me for enjoying any part of it, calling me a nympho and a sex-addict (hello? Sex every 6-8 MONTHS!?!?) I couldn't deal with constantly initiating either. When he dragged ME to a counselor after finding out I was having an emotional affair with psycho-boy - the counselor was a complete idiot. Blamed my weight & disability and wouldn't even begin to think that nice man in the Armani suit could be abusive! Despite his saying things RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER! to me. Any others just can't believe your husband will not sleep with you. Even my doctors look at me like I am crazy when I say "No I can NOT be pregnant" or something like that. I joined a sexless marriage group online for a while until the fact that exNH was a Narc and Psycho-Boy was a psychopath hit me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 Jun 3 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

Lisa E. Scott

Why Narcissists love to frustrate us sexually

Narcissists dread getting emotionally intimate with women. They tend to engage in frustrating behavior toward women. They resist flirtatious and seductive behavior, tease us and refrain from having sex with us. Narcissists wish and often succeed to sadistically frustrate the woman in their lives. Most male narcissists are misogynists. They fear and loathe women and love to ignore and frustrate us. Denise - it's interesting that you mention your ex would not even kiss you. This often happens once you settle down with a narcissist and he begins to devalue you and take you for granted. However, I once dated a raging narcissist who thought it was ok to spank my behind all night in front of others while we were out drinking, but upon walking me home, would not give me a kiss good night. No joke. Very sadistic. Needless to say, that's all I needed to know he was a sick, sick man.

#11 Jun 4 - 10AM (Reply to #27)

GhostBuster

So similar

One of my ex N's was a spanker too and always needed to do it near a mirror so he could watch himself. I didn't like it, but he insisted. My other ex N couldn't look at me during sex, hardly kissed or touched me and always "rode me like a bull" yet insisted sex always be missionary style--the only way HE liked it. I tried to mix it up one night and he literally screamed "NO!"--then we went back to missionary. Both ex's like to use the F term for sex--even after I told them I didn't like that word used to describe sex. Devalue. I think intimacy issues are one of the key "revealers" of a narcissist. They are so sexually warped and they do love to frustrate. Looking forward to listening to the radio blog in archive over the weekend.

#12 Jun 3 - 7PM (Reply to #25)

Lisa E. Scott

Denise

Dear Denise - your words bring tears to my eyes. This is precisely why I wrote my book and am determined to build awareness on narcissism. You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear this information helped you. Until we understand why they treat us the way they do, we feel like it is our fault. I felt the way you did for years, not understanding why I couldn't turn him on. In the beginning he was so attracted to me, but once we were married, this died. I didn't get it. It baffled and tormented me inside. Here's another copy and paste from my book to illustrate what I experienced: Andrew and I were getting ready to enjoy a Friday evening together when he asked if I was menstruating. After confirming I was, he breathed an audible sigh of relief and said, â€œGood, itâ€™s so nice when you have your period because I can relax knowing thereâ€™s no pressure to have sex with you all weekend.â€ I will never forget our second therapy session. Andrew turned to his therapist as I sat next to him, holding his hand and said, â€œLisa is my good, sweet wife. I cannot see her sexually or in a sexual way at all. I just see her as my good, sweet Lisa.â€ He basically confirmed that I was completely sexless to him because I was good to him and cared for him. Andrewâ€™s Madonna-whore complex was validated for me again during our separation. We were talking on the phone and he said to me with much enthusiasm, â€œYou know what the main problem in our marriage was?â€ I was anxious to hear what he had to say because I thought it might be quite profound. I mean, it sounded like he had given it a lot of thought and had come to a huge realization that he wanted to share with me. So I responded, â€œWhat ... what do you think our main problem was?â€ His response: â€œYou were too nice. You should have been mean to me once in a while. It would have put some fire under my belly.â€ Basically, he was telling me if I had acted mean or cruel, it would have put the necessary fire under his belt to turn him on. A woman who is kind, sweet, and giving will always be viewed as a saintly, sexless Madonna to a narcissist. Those who challenge him or act like heartless whores turn him on like nothing else. Some of you may notice that the only time they're interested in sex is when it's make-up sex? They get turned on when we get angry or mad.

#13 Jun 3 - 4AM

Barbara (not verified)

one more piece

One thing to remember about the N's Madonna Whore complex is how unnatural and abnormal it is. In a NORMAL relationship - as your attachment, bonding and love for the person grows - your sexual feelings towards them and using sex as a way to express those feelings - grows too. They become natural and a way to express your love and attachment to the other person. As more oxytocin is released with lovemaking - the more bonded you are to the other person. In an N - its the EXACT opposite. Aside from the fact they can not feel LOVE at all - their needs are very "basic" and f-d up when it comes to sex. The oxytocin has no effect on their messed up brains. None. Women (and others) are OBJECTS for their sexual gratification. You are nothing but a blow up doll with a pulse and when the 'thrill' is gone - you're devalued and they are off to the next - where the cycle inevitably repeats itself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#14 Jun 3 - 12AM

malloryforest

Lisa

I relate so much to what you just said. All three times I was pregnant, my STBXNH would start watching porn. He would compain to me that I wasn't fullfilling him, and that he had to watch porn. Oh poor him. What a victim! One he started his affair, he would tell me how he hated making love to me because it was about making love and his GF really new how to F--K. He told me that he wish i would dress like a slut. In fact, at one point he told me that if he were to come back to our marriage, I had to start dressing sexy, wear thongs, and learn how to F--k, not make love. I was now a mom, no longer sexy, no longer out to fullfill all his sexual needs. At one point he told me he would pretend that I was someone else, some stranger or whore, to make our sex life exciting to him again. I never felt connected to him during our intimacy. It was vacant. He never looked into my eyes, or held me like he really loved me. I really believe in the whole madonna / whore complex. I was the madonna, and the GF was his whore.

#15 Jun 3 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

neveragain

N's Masturbate with YOUR BODY

I read that somewhere and honestly, it kind of makes sense. I remember feeling like our "love making" was more like an athletic event to him. Afterwards, he'd jump up and laugh. It was like in the rodeo after the cowboy jumps off his horse, ties up the calf and lifts up his arms in victory. It was so weird. He didn't hold me afterwards and make me feel connected to him. His laughter was like a victorious gloating sound.....strange man.

#16 Jun 9 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

Jodie

Mine wouldn't hold me either

It was always so mechanical, robotic...demon-like. His eyes would be glazed over...never looked into my eyes. He actually once said "Looking into your eyes during sex is CREEPY!" He NEVER, never, never took care of my needs first no matter how many times I expressed this to him. For 5 years it was all about him...until he stopped getting an erection for me. He would say "You didn't try long enough" after a humiliating bout of wearing ridiculous outfits and doing degrading things he still couldn't get it up. He one time after sex said, "How long do I have to lay with you to shut you up?" Lovely. That's my husband.

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

#17 Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

Barbara (not verified)

Jodie

Me either - after the first 7-8 years it was very robotic. Kissing was "wierd" holding me was "wierd" hugging was "wierd" hand holding was "wierd" touching me was "wierd" any sort of verbal affection was "wierd" I got so damn tired of WIERD when my therapist was telling me my needs were NORMAL. I left Mr. Wierd to be WIERD all by himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#18 Jun 4 - 2AM (Reply to #20)

Echo (not verified)

I love the women here

Because you all tell my story when I forget and start to miss him. Athletic event!!! YEEEESSSS!! And never, ever held afterwards, hardly every kissed before. It was all about how well he thought HE was performing. It's a killer.

#19 Jun 3 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

Lisa E. Scott

N's and masturbation

Great point, Neveragain. Narcissists are very auto-erotic, which means they get turned on by getting themselves off. Whether it be watching porn, looking at themselves in the mirror or riding you like a bull, it's all about them. They don't look at you. When you try to look into their eyes while having sex, they are vacant. They are so detached and absorbed in a fantasy world of their own making. And what they're fantasizing about is themselves - how great they are in bed, how athletic and powerful and veral they are. It's not about love making at all. This is why they prefer to call it F--king. My ex would get so angry when I called it love making. He would say, "I don't see anything being made here, do you?!! What are you talking about, love making?! I see F--king, but nothing is being made that I can see!"

#20 Jun 4 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

cassiemay

here's a bit of hope...

The other night my b/f and I were having "sex". I stopped and asked him "What are you doing to me?" His response: "I'm making love to you." Ahh......maybe there ARE normal men out there because he was sincere. Weird that I had to ask..... CM

#21 Jun 4 - 3PM (Reply to #19)

RenewD

Cassiemay...That couldn't

Cassiemay...That couldn't have been more beautiful! I'm happy for you! It sucks that we have to wonder about everyone now that we've been through what we have, doesn't it? ~Denise~

#22 Jun 4 - 6AM (Reply to #17)

grossot

I'm so glad u all have

I'm so glad u all have similar stories! My STBXNH only was obsessed with sex. But now that I think about it he always wanted me to put a pillow over his head or do it in front of a mirror. I just wanted someone to look at me and like what they saw. nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#23 Jun 3 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

cassiemay

sex

These posts have really made me think....I remember at a point early in our marriage of 21 years when he began being unavailable sexually (too tired, too stressed) that I thought to myself...Hmmm....if this goes on it is inevitable that he will turn to someone else. We need to correct this now. He was never willing to go into counseling regarding this: "It will get better". Guess what? Never did. After we separated he once told me that he "never thought I was that good" sexually. Ok. Nice compliment. He had previous relationships with 2 women: one was the Madonna (and he loved her as much as possible for him); she decided for religious reasons that they should have no further sex until married. He was frustrated. He went to a woman who was his "whore" and did everything right with no boundaries sexually. But she was a bit "crazy". Gee, too bad we can't get one in the same package isn't it? As I look back now I see the pattern. I was the "meld" between the two. He was very sexually attracted to me at first, but then, after marriage ("I can't wait until we are married"), he withdrew. Now I was the Madonna. Doing everything possible with infertility treatments (which are NOT sexy) to get pregnant. While he is injecting me with fertility drugs......how can that possibly be SEXY? But I loved him. I was willing to do anything to have a baby with him but that never worked either. So...we decide (mostly him) that it's over in that effort, that we will be childless and not try to adopt either because (of course !) he didn't want a baby that didn't have HIS genes. Jesus. Talk about a wake up call that I missed. It didn't matter to me. A baby is a baby is the beginning of Family. No. So....as I had much earlier predicted to myself, this was not going to go forward well. I am the Madonna who can't conceive. He is restless and bored and unhappy because I am unhappy myself. Lose her. She is the Problem. Start over. I predict he will repeat this pattern. In my bitterness I actually hope so because I want him to be at least a tiny bit as hurt as I. Not nice, I know. Can't help it. He can't see any of this, has no insight whatsoever, just from one g/f to another to try to find the "perfection". The grass has always been greener on the other side for him. Never a concept I bought into or could really understand, except when you are younger you might consider a new opportunity as worth the risk and possible joy. I have learned hard lessons. The grass is not necessarily greener anywhere else, except when you can't stand the treatment and experiences you are living day to day with an N. What is my point? Not sure. Just sharing memories and thoughts. I guess that in my mind, and perhaps I am delusional, true love does not involve "genes" or an all or nothing sexual relationship. It is about LOVE. Loving the person you are with, faults and all, accomodating them how you can without losing yourself, and expecting the same in return. Does this really exist? No love is unconditional except that between a parent and child, in MHO. So, yes, we must give and take and sometimes give more than take. But when it becomes too one-sided there is serious trouble. I learned that once I couldn't "give" more than I was that it was over. Slammed the door shut, slammed the heart shut, slammed me in every way possible because to admit that he may have had some part was impossible. I want to email him about these recent thoughts. Help me not to, please. CM

#24 Jun 5 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

RenewD

Don't email him!!

When I understood this Madonna-Whore complex over the weekend, the first thing I wanted to do was write my exNH an email too...telling him that I now know what it was all about and pushing it in his face that I know now that it wassn't me. But I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. He will never respond well to any such emails and all I would do is open myself up for some more bashing from him. I don't need it. And you don't either!! So DO NOT email him Cassiemay!! ~Denise~

#25 Jun 3 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

grossot

He's not even worth the

He's not even worth the energy it would take to type him an email. Write down what you worry about and challenge your own thoughts. What coul be the worst that happens? He will destroy some other womans life. No we don't want that but we can't help it or keep someone else from getting hurt. N does not feel. He will feel nothing if you email him your thoughts. It will only damage you more b/c u r a compassionate. Kindhearted person who feels. He does not have that going for him. nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#26 Jun 3 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

whatever2009

sex addict

My N claims to be a sex addict, but he is only sleeping with me, he does love porn tho, he is very open about it as well. He said he loves to masturbate and he does everyday (apparently) but part of me thinks he is a big liar, loves porn and masturbating cuz its the easiest, no chasing involved. When it comes to sex in general, he can be very rough and likesto be in charge. When it comes to me, and again apparently, he says its different, he loves me to much hurt me sexually and cant imagine, doing something to physically hurt me. He is also baffled as to why he cant get me to orgasm, and I cant help but laugh, he asked me what he can do, and I told him to figure it out, dont you think a sex addict would know exactly what to do!?!?!?! I really dont know. Maybe he is a somatic N, but then wouldn't he be sleeping with tons of women!?!?

#27 Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

whatever2009

somatics (a Vaknin-ism) or sex-addicted Ns (or sex-oriented Ns) do NOT necessarily have sex with tons of women. They are just OBSESSED with sex. My late therapist told me its probably the closest to "feeling" (an orgasm) they ever come. Sex addicts often do NOT know how to get a woman to orgasm because most porn videos are focused on the MAN's orgasm - not the woman's. The only reason, I found, they want an orgasm out of a woman is a Power & Control thing (tho they will not admit it) Psycho-Boy was also OBSESSED with his penis. Many are fixated on PARTS - not the whole person. Psycho-Boy loved to masturbate on webcam or send women pictures of his junk. And all he wanted was pics of their privates or breasts back. Another aspect of sex-addicted Narcissism. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#28 Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

cassiemay

misc.

Barbara, How are you doing sweetheart? PLease let us know. IT must have been tough, but am so glad to hear that you are home and tests have been good for you. I am wondering......so many here have said that the guys are so focused on porn and masturbation. I just wonder...how do you know this? Do you check the computer? Do they admit to you? I have questions but don't know enough about to get the information. I have never "caught" my husband or B/f doing this stuff. How do you KNOW?

#29 Jun 4 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

RenewD

Cassiemay...

I was married to my exNh for 8 years before he admitted to me that he had an addiction to pornography and masturbating. I NEVER knew. I found magazines every now and then stuffed in random places, but I know most guys will have that kind of stuff, so I never thought much about it. This was mostly before the internet so, I couldn't keep tabs on it there. Once I learned how to do that though, I found porn all over the computer, but he blamed it on our preteen son and actually punished him for it!! ~Denise~

#30 Jun 4 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

GhostBuster

They told me

I think Barbara's right, they can't hide it for too long. my first N actually offered it up that he masturbates a lot. And then when he started having problems (couldn't orgasm), we hatched a plan for him to back off the self service. Which I don't think he did. Instead, he told me his ability to orgasm was a direct correlation to his feelings for me. No orgasm meant he didn't really love me. Nice, eh? Yet he still wanted me to stick around. Ugh. Second N told me about his "habit" when we tried to become sexual and he couldn't perform. Said he had "no trouble" performing on his own. And he revealed that he had a regular online habit that fueled his self-serve activities. I should have dumped him right then, but of course he con-vinced me to stick with him.

#31 Jun 9 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

Jodie

Ghostbuster

Yep, same familiar story. Mine had no problem at all getting it up for himself (self admitted) but couldn't with me because "Porn was easier."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

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