why is it that we do this i want to die

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#1 Oct 29 - 12PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

why is it that we do this i want to die

lastnight after erasing alot of the old pics of me and my Ex N i also realized that i was still able to see his youtube and his FB...like i TOTAL victim hoping to seeing him miserable for all the horrific pain i went through i looked at his FB. my X has a new women. their pictures are all over his FB. he cut his hair and looked like he had been working out....and everyone of "our" old friends commented aall over saying how digustingly happy and in love they look and by the pictures it looked like that......

how can this be? how can i be with someone three years that verbal and emotionally abusd me contorled me manipulated me lied to compulsively and not to mention physically abused me throughtout...

how is this possible? i am a total fucking wreck almost suicuidel today just try to understand how she got the family approval that they have gone all these places hiking and he looks so happy....was it really me...was it our combo am i to blame with this emense pain?

i am not seeing anyone im trying to heal the angry hurt and pain from all my abuse that was never ending cycle of either honey moon, fighting, blowout physical, honeymoon

how did she get the great guy out of hi,m?

i cant stop crying i cant stop thinking about what he and her have just like that

he got into a new relationship in a matter of weeks i dont even want to date anyone i am so fucking damanged right now

Nov 1 - 11AM
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

They wreak havoc and destruction

blueworld, It hurts to know you are in the most painful part of getting better. The power of the illusion that the narc sells us is strong. Even though we might intellectually know the narc is a fraud, it takes a while to know that on an emotionally level. I had suicidal thoughts, too. That's how much they gouge out our souls. Hang in there. It might be very hard to believe that you will get to a better place, but read the stories of the people who have been on this site for a while. I think we pretty much start in the same place, and then heal. About your hurt at seeing him with the OW. Listen to what everyone is telling you. It isn't real. I felt the same way after seeing the FB flirty postings and photos. I felt the OW was now getting all the goodies that were supposed to be mine, but she's not. Sooner or later, she is going to get the same thing you got - a big fat crushing NOTHING full of pain. He's following a movie script. It's a play he's putting on. Someone said it's a painting of what he wants everyone to believe his world and he is. It's a fabrication, nothing real. I had to repeat that to myself over and over. His love for me wasn't real. His love for her isn't real. He doesn't love anyone. My love was real, but I loved a man who wasn't real. hugs,
Oct 31 - 3AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Hi Blueworld, I sent you a

Hi Blueworld, I sent you a Private Message earlier tonight, please check - thanks. You are healing from your ordeal as befits such an ordeal, he is not - he is behaving as a narc does. Dating right away is not generally something healthy people do after a traumatic relationship/breakup - it is something narcs do. Nothing about him suggests normal. How you feel does. The OW is NOT going to be in a happy relationship with your ex, she will get the exact same abuse - don't doubt that for a second. She did not get the 'great guy out of him' because that guy DOES NOT EXIST! That guy is a mask which will come off with her, just as it did with you. YOU did not cause the disorder which controls his behavior just as the OW will not be able to make his disorder go away. It is a part of him as surely as the spots on a leopard. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Oct 29 - 10PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

never in my life

i have never been in .so much pain in my life..i cant believe how bad i hurt how much im crying how fucking alone i feel......i feel like i dont want to go on. i do not know anyone but my group therapy people and i probably frighten everyone away with my energy as it is very low and i just jkeep crying
Oct 29 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
outOFtheFOG13
outOFtheFOG13's picture

I am sorry you are feeling so low right now,

and I wish I could give you a magic pill to take that pain away. It hurts like hell, but what everyone is saying here is true. Whatever he has going with the OW may appear to be wine and roses. It seems like she has the life with him that you so much desired. In reality it is just a repeat performance. What they appear to have is just as much an illusion as what you experienced with him. He will show his true self. Sadly, he will do to that person what he did to you. I split with my ex and for 3 months, he contacted me daily, begging for a new start. At one point, I was having some problems in my life…I caved and agreed to see him. As he was telling me how much he had missed me, professing his undying true love for me, telling me how he wanted to take care of me and never let anything bad happen to me ever again…the phone rang. It was the OW, who it turns out he had been seeing for 3 months and she had moved in with him. In shock, I started to cry and he responded by saying if I had wanted him and loved him like he deserved to be loved, this would never have happened. He said he was “crazy in love” with OW and his parting words to me were “now this is over”. I felt sick to my stomach. A week later, the OW showed up at MY house, looking for help because he had thrown her out of the house and dragged her down the gravel driveway. She wanted to know if he acted this way with me. The rest of the story is a nightmare and not relevant, but I just know so much how you feel right now and want you to know that his true colors will surface in his new relationship. It had nothing to do with you and the OW can never give him what he needs either. There was not one thing you could have given him to make things turn out any differently. His history will repeat itself. Hold your head up high and stay off that damn FB! 
Oct 29 - 10PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

First and foremost...STOP

First and foremost...STOP LOOKING AT FB. Very hard, I know. But, you must try to break free from looking at his FB. Second. Pictures are just that. Pictures. Example. My ex N...when he had a gf...one of our 'mutual friends,' sent me a pic of her. I don't have FB. I looked and felt instant pity for her, as she had the face of an angel. I thought...no way, he could break the heart of this girl. WELL, GUESS WHAT? He did. Won't bore you with the details, but goes to show. They make appear happy on the outside, but your ex is still the same abuser he was. ABUSERS WHO HIT ESPECIALLY, really don't change. He may be working out. He may have cut his hair. So what? Can a leopard change his spots? You can put a sweater on him, but the leopard still has his spots, underneath. Not that you should wish for the demise of their relationship, but my point is...IT'S NOT YOU. It's really not. WHEN THIS NEW CHICK FAILS TO DO PRECISELY AS HE WISHES ONE DAY...HE WILL D&D HER. or she'll end it with him, from the abuse. I also would sever ties with 'friends' who are wishing them well. Oh, the same 'friends' who wished you both well? The same 'friends' who were there when you both broke up? They're not friends. I always said this, and still do. ANYONE WHO IS MY EX N'S FRIEND, CAN'T BE MINE, TOO. And the reasons have little to do with me. But, more to do with...why would someone want to be friends with a guy like this? A mean spirited guy, who out in the open, is mean to everyone when they don't cowtow to him. So, if you find yourself in that boat. Sever the ties with them. Sever the ties to his FB. And work on your healing. I have been in hopeless places during my healing. But, you will heal. I promise you. It gets better.
Oct 29 - 1PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

And about this painting called

and about this painting called "Look at how great my life is without you in it" http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors/discussions/messages/11523062 Hugs, Rose
Oct 29 - 1PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Blueworld! No more peeking!

1)YOU are NOT to blame 2) How could he move on overnight after 3 years? How is this possible? This is what they do. People are disposable objects to them, and they cannot be alone. 3) How did she get the great guy out of him? She did not - she WILL NOT! She is just going through the honeymoon phase like you did. In time she will be right where you are!! They repeat this cycle over and over and over again. Read more about this here: http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/ He is painting the "happy" picture of himself right now hiking, all that BS - it is just that - a picture he wants the world to see (and you). It's not reality. I have been exactly where you are right now. I deactivated my FB account because it was so devastating to me to watch this charade. If you cannot do the same, then I am imploring to you BLOCK, defriend, whatever it takes so that you will not have to see this crap. Cut all ties and any other means you have of running across his "internet presence" It will only hurt you!! Also any mutual friends should be blocked or hidden. If they are your true friends they will understand and you can use other means besides "Fakebook" of keeping in touch with them. As for why do we do this? It is human nature. The temptation can be overwhelming at times, but you ultimately have a choice! Look at it as something you can finally have control over! Sending you really big hugs! Rose
Oct 29 - 1PM
Layla
Layla's picture

He is an ABUSER.

First, I haven't introduced myself to you yet my name is Layla, and it is good to know you! : )) Please, please know this- how we was with YOU is how he will be with HER. Yes. This is truth. He has NOT changed. He will NEVER change. Not EVER. Right now, it's all rainbows and unicorns. He is putting on an act to win and secure her supply. That is what he is doing. I see you are new, I believe I read in another post of yours you are 20 days NC, this is GREAT!!!!! You are on your way but you must, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you must block him from your FB and youtube....FB is just another outlet for him to "get to you"..... I know you are still finding your way and new to this NC concept but it IS the ONLY solution to getting out of the madness. In time, with NC and continuing to educate yourself on these PDI's, you will start to feel better, stronger and be able to see this all for what it really was- you were in an abusive situation and it was never a real relationship- you were emeshed with a PDI. He is, always was and ALWAYS will be disordered. It was smart of you to come post here- no one here is going to steer you wrong with this NC strategy.....it WORKS when you work it! I offer you a big virtual hug today!!!! You CAN do this! love~ Layla
Oct 29 - 1PM
Amiee
Amiee's picture

She didn't get a great

She didn't get a great guy...she got the same poser you did. Remember, he must have been charming at some point because you fell for him. She will also get the same treatment, in time. He won't change, his beahvior has worked for him....HUGS!!
Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Poser

Perfect description of what they are Amiee!!
Oct 29 - 1PM
indenial
indenial's picture

i know how you are feeling

Please don't look anymore. Delete it all. Make sure you have no access. Nc will make you heal and as you get stronger through nc it will matter lesss what he's doing. I'm early nc myself and he has already tried the trick of flaunting new or in his case old relationship in my face and I didn't go looking ! He brought it to me ! I am avoiding having to see or hear anymore about him and his "wonderful" life until I'm stronger and the cognitive dissonance is less. I've contemplated finding out if he's back with the ex as I know I will have to hear it one day but I'm not going seeking this information. I do not want to hinder my recovery. Nc means no fb or anything at all that gives you access to what they are doing. If that means for a while you have to avoid certain places or people or activities then do it ! I won't even drive certain routes at the moment in case I see him and that's to protect me !! This woman is in the idealised faze. KNOW that it won't last. Tell yourself of all the horrible things he did to you. He WILL go on to do them to her. The doubts will come. Mine come every few minutes sometimes but the more I challenge them the less of them I am getting. Concentrate on why you are not with him. Think about all the pain and confusion he caused you and then realise that its not your fault. Its him and he will ony repeat the same cycle with someone else. It really does get better but only with complete nc. I pray my ex n doesn't hoover now. Hugs to you xx
Oct 29 - 1PM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

No it was NOT you!!!!!

She will get the best of him at the start, as you did. And then, when his mask starts to come off, she will get what you got when his mask started to come off with you. Dear Blueworld, PLEASE PLEASE don`t be sad. There was nothing you could have done differently. They are not capable of love, or intimacy, or relationship. Just be glad you`re out of it and don`t look back. Particularly, don`t look at FB and co., that`s just masochism! They present a perfect, happy picture to the outside world with their new supply, that`s part of the fake persona. And it doesn`t matter if others are taken in by it - YOU know the truth. Concentrate on you and your healing, don`t think of him or his OW, that`s just masochism too. You at least have a chance of finding true intimacy and relationship in the future - he doesn`t. And his OW will find that out soon enough. Dry your tears, put on your best smile and go and do something that cheers you up and makes you feel good. And no more snooping (it`s contact - Contact = pain). Hugs Tigerlily
Oct 29 - 12PM
Tiffany30
Tiffany30's picture

He is probably only doing

He is probably only doing this to show you that he is happy, which he probably isn't and he knows that it will hurt you. Erase him from your FB! Keep your head up! I was there last year where you are now. At first he put up pictures of him and her just to get to me, I am not friends with him anymore on FB but still see his profile picture sometimes and now it is just a picture of one of his animals that he has mounted on the wall. Hang in there!