Why is it so hard NOT to blame ourselves????

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#1 Apr 25 - 3PM
kevsmart
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Why is it so hard NOT to blame ourselves????

Today, I had a BAD day. A VERY BAD BAD day...

My narc left me four years ago, for a much younger guy. Ours was the "typical" relationship with a Narc...I was the center of his universe for the first year, then all of a sudden he started to back away, all the time claiming that he still loved me.

This was my first relationship. The first time I lived with someone...many firsts for me, so everything was new, and I questioned and doubted myself all the time.

On top of it, I suffer from deep depression. Anytime there was a problem or a disagreement (usually me standing up for myself), my ex would ask me if I was having an episode or if I was taking my meds correctly.

The problem for me, is part of my depression stems from childhood trauma of abandonment. My depression also plays tricks with my mind and makes me blame myself for everything.

Since my narc left me, and not the other way around, I had the added rejection to deal with. He also moved onto another relationship that is going strong.

The hardest part for me, is when I'm in a depression, like I am now, I question if he was really a narc, or if it was me who expected too much...after all, he left me and his current relationship seems healthy and happy.

After all this time, I still miss him terribly...there was a time he was my best friend and I still love him dearly. I have recently cut him out of my life (which wasnt that difficult being as he no longer seemed to want much to do with me anyway...)

How can I move on and heal, more importantly trust and love again? How do I forgive myself??? How do I fall out of love with someone who was the biggest part of my life for close to 4 years?

Again...having a VERY bad day today...fighting every urge to contact him...its like a drug...I need my fix for that momentary high, knowing I'll come crashing down afterwards. Why do I miss him, when he was so mean to me???

Any thoughts and encouragement would be appreciated.

Apr 25 - 4PM
Steph
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i don't know your

i don't know your story.....have you posted it? can you send me the link so I can better reply to you? even without reading your story, I can say that this statement of yours: "On top of it, I suffer from deep depression. Anytime there was a problem or a disagreement (usually me standing up for myself), my ex would ask me if I was having an episode or if I was taking my meds correctly." ....speaks volumes! Even without knowing your story, this statement says alot....sounds like emotional abuse..... can you send me the link to your story if you have it....so I can better reply to your post..... xoxo
Apr 25 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
kevsmart
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My Story

Up till now I have not written my story...everytime I've tried it's become too overwhelming. But I realize now that I need to get it out in order to heal...I will be working on it very soon...
Apr 25 - 4PM
jaycee
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kevsmart

Im so sorry you are going through this. I constantly blame myself, the would of, could of, should of's are killing me.....but in reality, nothing either of us, meaning you and me, and for that fact, anyone who was unfortunate enough to love a narc, could not have done anything different, since the result would be the same, regardless. I know you are dying inside, as i am, and all the others here, but know you cannot blame yourself for the actions of a psychopath, a cruel, mean, and horrible creature. They suck the life out of humans, just as vampires do, they take your soul, and the only redemption, is self preservation. Take what you have in your life and make it positive, forget the pain and the mental torment, and turn it into success, yes, i can tell you this, too bad i cannot do it for myself. as you see, my narc, my husband of twenty five years, d and d me from the start, hes come and gone a couple of times, actually lived with other women during our marriage, yes, lived with, and is living with his ow right now, he has abandoned our children throughout their childhood and now their almost adult lives, yes, he is evil and cruel and watches me suffer horrifically, mindfucks me everyday for his own selfish pleasure, he is not human, he is a monster, as all narcs are, but they take what we give them and we have given them our souls. my hN has cheated on me so many times, that i am blessed i dont have aids or hep c or some other kind of std, who knows, i may have missed out on getting something, but i didnt miss out on loosing my soul. i have tried nc for so long now, but im weak and cannot stop the obsession, its almost like being a heroin addict, which our daughter is, the abandonment issues she has had since childhood, due to his walking out and his lack of emotional bonding to his children, has left our daughter a drug addict, i take responsibility for that as well, my reaction to his leaving, his constant cheating, his emotional mind fucking of me, also added to her issues, how sad, i should have walked away years ago, but i didnt, and i continue to take his blatant abuse, his sick and twisted cruelty...........i allow this, please, for you, yourself, before you take your children with you, walk away, grieve the death of the man you loved, of the life you had with him, imagine he died, bury him, grieve him, and take what is left of your life and find someone who can truly love you for you and make you feel secure in yourself, dont be me, dont let the vampire take you to the depths of hell and push you over the last edge, as i have allowed, i know in my heart, i will die knowing i wasted a lifetime on a man who never loved me, never cared enough to treat me as human being, who never cared enough about anyone but himself to save his own daughter, to this day, he charms her, gives her money, talks to her about the ow and the others he sleeps with, tells her about his monthly supply of hydro pot, how he loves to get high, tells her about how hes been sniffing coke again with his friends, all about how much he drinks and does drugs, and tells her she will be fine, as i wake up every morning, hardly sleep anyway, take her to her clinic for her dose of methadone, take her to her therapists, drug counselors, psychiatrists, and her medical doctors, as she is now very ill from her drug use, she was infected with hep c, but hers is genotype 1 and has severely affected her liver, shes awaiting her treatments of interferon, but if they dont work within the first twelve weeks they will stop them completely, and she will have to pray a new drug comes out in time to help slow the progression of her rotting liver....how sad, yes, i blame myself too, but i never drank, didnt like it, never did drugs, and never screwed around on her dad, i just loved him, so much, i lost myself, and lost my daughter in the meantime. im trying so hard to help her stay clean and get well, but my emotional state is wearing on me, and on her as well.......my point is, take what is left of your life and make something of it, dont look back let him go, find someone who will be your equal, and who will help you cope with the everyday ups and downs of life, as i have been alone for twenty five years, ive been a married single mom throughout my childrens lives, and for that i should be ashamed of myself, i could have done things differently but i allowed the monster to take my soul, i still allow him to destroy what is left of my life..im so sorry you are down, pick yourself up and do what you can to have a life without this vampire destroying you, you sound like a wonderful human being and you deserve so much more.........thanks for letting me vent and letting me give you the advice i should have taken for myself years ago.........feel better my friend, you will be ok, i promise, you have so much to live for.........xoxo

Jaycee

Apr 25 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Redhead1
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OH Jaycee, HUGS and LOVE!!!

OH Jaycee, HUGS and LOVE!!! Welcome Kevsmart. I too felt that way, and still battle it at times. We thought we were doing the right thing at the time. I have beat myself up with guilt. It was what we were conditioned to accept. I can't decide when I picked up the habit of thinking everything was my problem to fix. I think when I couldnt fix his problems for him, it caused guilt. I don't know if its something I picked up in childhood or something he provoked in me. I don't recall feeling guilty a lot before I married him. But, that was 22 years ago and maybe I just don't remember. Being overly emphathetic helps everyone but you. I have learn that the hard way. I am trying to balance my emotions out. I have tried to death to accept responsiblity for the collapse of my marriage. Something keeps popping in my head that it wasnt all my fault. I now look at that as instinct. Just like I didnt listen to myself and leave him years ago, I am not listening to myself now and letting him project all the blame on me. Deep down you know who is to blame. Listen to yourself!!