Why is it so hard NOT to blame ourselves????
Why is it so hard NOT to blame ourselves????
Today, I had a BAD day. A VERY BAD BAD day...
My narc left me four years ago, for a much younger guy. Ours was the "typical" relationship with a Narc...I was the center of his universe for the first year, then all of a sudden he started to back away, all the time claiming that he still loved me.
This was my first relationship. The first time I lived with someone...many firsts for me, so everything was new, and I questioned and doubted myself all the time.
On top of it, I suffer from deep depression. Anytime there was a problem or a disagreement (usually me standing up for myself), my ex would ask me if I was having an episode or if I was taking my meds correctly.
The problem for me, is part of my depression stems from childhood trauma of abandonment. My depression also plays tricks with my mind and makes me blame myself for everything.
Since my narc left me, and not the other way around, I had the added rejection to deal with. He also moved onto another relationship that is going strong.
The hardest part for me, is when I'm in a depression, like I am now, I question if he was really a narc, or if it was me who expected too much...after all, he left me and his current relationship seems healthy and happy.
After all this time, I still miss him terribly...there was a time he was my best friend and I still love him dearly. I have recently cut him out of my life (which wasnt that difficult being as he no longer seemed to want much to do with me anyway...)
How can I move on and heal, more importantly trust and love again? How do I forgive myself??? How do I fall out of love with someone who was the biggest part of my life for close to 4 years?
Again...having a VERY bad day today...fighting every urge to contact him...its like a drug...I need my fix for that momentary high, knowing I'll come crashing down afterwards. Why do I miss him, when he was so mean to me???
Any thoughts and encouragement would be appreciated.
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Jaycee
OH Jaycee, HUGS and LOVE!!!