Why is it so hard finding others who understand what we've been through?

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#1 Apr 11 - 4PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Why is it so hard finding others who understand what we've been through?

When I first realized that I was a victim of Narcissistic Abuse, I was already in the middle of and episode of PTSD but had no idea what or why I was in such a state. The abuse I experienced was so stealth, I found I could not articulate, but I also found I could not function.

Friends and family did not or could not understand just why I was so destroyed, afterall it was a break up and break ups happen...but this was very different from other breakups and I found I could not articulate exactly what the abuse was, I just knew I was abused...and this was made all the more difficult because he never laid a hand on me.

Whether the abuse was mental, physical or both we tend to hide and keep secrets.

Have you had challenges getting others to understand?

#2 Apr 12 - 4PM

helldweller

When others don't understand

My poor family. My poor friends. They were watching me suffer, watching a train wreck. There was nothing they could do but stand there waiting for the inevitable end. "Why? Why? Why?" they all asked each other. She could have any man she wants. Why him? Everyone fell all over themselves to accomodate him, to give him benefit after benefit of the doubt for my sake. It wasn't a question of trusting my instinct. It was just a matter of them standing by me when they knew what he was. My poor brother. He had to testify, as a Chicago Police Sergeant, against my husband when he committed arson at our church. All he wanted to do was to protect my little girls and me. Then, the man who "saved me" from it all turned out to be worse than the first. I will never forget the night my brother took the narc and I out to dinner, to our favorite restaurant. He got a private booth so they could talk freely, as they were both involved in politics. We had numerous cocktails, many courses, wines with everything, music at the table. When it was done, we found that my brother had given his credit card to the waiter before weeven sat down. The bill was almost $400. The narc never saw my brother again. You'd think he would invite him out or over, call him once in awhile, anything. On the contrary, the narc loathed my brother. He smirked when I mentioned his name, told me: "I could tell you stories about your brother" and belittled him every chance he got. In the meantime, he would tell ME,every chance he got: "I love your brother. He's on my speed dial!" and show me his name on his phone. My poor mother. I can't even go there. Every single day, the first thing she says to me when I call her is "What about that guy up the street?"

#3 Apr 12 - 4PM (Reply to #15)

michele115 (not verified)

Helldweller

We live and we learn...the upside, your family has shown how much they love you and even tolerated the Narc when they didn't exactly approve of his antics. You have much in your life that will fill you and day by day it gets better. You are so much stronger. Just keep focusing on "blanket" and that hilarious story of him running in the Chicago wind. That's the image to hold on to...the coward running in the wind. I noted your story the other day about him touching your cheek...it was a narc move. Erase that moment...he's running in the wind with blanket being dragged. We must pray for blanket...but move forward in peace. Hugs!

#4 Apr 11 - 8PM

deecbee

Yes, I have had a very

Yes, I have had a very difficult time getting my family and friends to understand. They sympathized at first... and then it turned to mild annoyance. They couldn't understand what I saw in him or why I was still upset 2 weeks later (which is barely scratching the surface, really). My sisters have been in relationships with abusive men before, but not narcs, and somehow they never had a problem cutting them off immediately and never looking back or slipping up and breaking contact. I was beginning to feel like I was emotionally weak and doomed until I went online and found this, and a few other message boards. Honestly, I just pretend to my family that I haven't talked to him in ages. There's really not much support there to be had anymore, anyway.

#5 Apr 11 - 7PM

wisdomneeded

The Path Forward

What a WONDERFUL NAME FOR THIS BOARD....without the encouragment of the women here I wonder if we would be finding that path. This is truly a blessing to have women understand one another and really care about each others mental health. As we all know women are not always "friends" to other women. Because we have all walked this path,it is uplifting to know you can come here and vent receiving the understanding needed to survive another week....day...hour and sometimes minute. So when others do not "get it" continue to come to the ones that do! Thank you!

#6 Apr 11 - 8PM

MandyM

Yes. No one could understand

Yes. No one could understand why I couldn't just let go and move on. *I* couldn't understand why I couldn't just let go and move on, why I was compelled to keep talking about him, and rehashing the entire relationship, and trying to figure out what happened. It was so frustrating because I wanted nothing more than to move on, and I didn't know why I couldn't. It didn't help that people hadn't liked how flakily he'd treated me all along, how hot and cold he always was, so I didn't exactly get a lot of sympathy at the end anyway. I was fortunate in that my ex never once raged at me, or threatened me physically or otherwise, or belittled me. If he had done any of those things, I would hope I would have easily hardened my heart against him and let go. The fact that he didn't, that one day everything seemed fine and the next there was this huge distance that he refused to even acknowledge before he disappeared completely, made everything so confusing and difficult to accept. Everyone kept telling me that I didn't deserve that and I was better off without someone who would do that, "so just let it go." Or "it obviously wasn't as serious as you thought it was, so just get over him." It got to the point where I couldn't go to anyone for support because they were sick of hearing about it. And I couldn't blame them, because I was sick of obsessing about it, but I just couldn't let go without figuring out what had happened and why he'd done that. It was through the grace of finding this website that I finally got it together and went on with my life. Just finally UNDERSTANDING what the whole thing was and that I wasn't alone made all the difference.

#7 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

Lisa E. Scott

No one else gets it

Michele is right! The most difficult part is that no one understands what we're going through! No one understands what it is like to try to love a Narcissist unless they have been through it themseleves. This is precisely why I started this website. Others don't understand why we obsess. Others don't understand why we can't move on. Others don't understand why we're stuck. Others don't understand why we put up with it. Others don't understand what a strong hold they have us. Others don't understand we have been brainwashed. Others don't understand how hard it is to break up with a man you are still drawn to so intensely. Only we understand this and only we have the patience and understanding to help each other through this! We have to use LOGIC over INSTINCT. This is not easy! Because we are brainwashed, our HEART tells us to be with this man, but we must use our HEAD to stay away. When you feel an insatiable need to be with someone, you need a place to come where people LOGICALLY remind you of why you should never be with this man again. You need a place where people will be patient with you for asking the same questions over and over again. You need a place where people get it without you having to explain it. You need a place where people will never judge you. You need a place where people make you feel safe and understood. Only be coming here and validating one another can we possibly break free. Together, we help each other through this. Together, we find a path forward. WidsomNeeded is right! Women are not always nice to each other, especially in the workplace, but here the compassion and caring we show towards one another far surpasses anything I've ever experienced. It truly inspires me every day. You all inspire me every day! xoxo

#8 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

kgirl

Nobody I know really can

Nobody I know really can understand how a "friend" could have been SO hurtful. And the fact is, I can't share all the details with anyone since it was an affair...and a most unlikely one at that. I've worn a couple of them out with my bitching and saying look what she did now! Pretty much feel like an idiot for continuing my friendship when everyone else was saying get the hell away from her. So I came here :)....so very helpful. ~KG

#9 Apr 11 - 6PM

ifinallygotit

friends

They just want me to get over it. Some have forbid me to talk about him anymore. Only one friend gets it (she has been there) but she is not in good enough shape herself to give support. People are horrified by his behavior and think he is of low character. It is pretty embarrassing - getting totally abandoned by the man you have been with for years and i cannot tell everyone the truth. Sometimes I just say he got a job in another city and we did not stay together. This site is so important to me! My counselor does not fully get it and I have to switch. I really like her but she is not helping right now.

#10 Apr 11 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

michele115 (not verified)

ifinallygotit

I know what you mean so well about people not getting it. I too had a hard time finding a therapist...in fact, after going through three I gave up! Early on, I was I think in severe PTSD, I couldn't talk without crying. The first therapist would constantly interrupt me with silly things like I'd tell a story about an issue with the air conditioner and it was significant to my "pain" for whateve reason...and on top of being in trauma, I have cognitive difficulties tied to one of my illlnesses so sometimes I can't get a thought out right anyway or I forget my point? So here I am trying to make a connection and I'd say and he wouldn't move the air conditioner or something like that and the counselor would interrupt with: Oh, yea, that's a problem, I have to get my AC up...WTH??!!!! So I asked him a few times, how did he feel about his qualifications and he kept saying....oh it takes time blah blah blah but here I was slowly coming unraveled, because initially I didn't know what hit me, I mean when I walked into his office, he was like: Well we'll have to monitor you and we might have to hospitalize you and he goes from that to talking about his darn AC!!! So I went to another therapist about a months later...I was going weekly...so again....Im able to get out in the streets just long enough to get in her office, I cried at the drop of a pin for anything...wearing shades in the street, practically disheveled...and she says: Why are your here...again I melt down, can't get a sentence out...and I'm sobbing uncontrolabley in her office, she' handing me tissues. Average session is 45 minutes charged as a billable hour...she say, well I can see you a half hour weekly...WTH?...I mean I was in severe crisis and she did have longer appointments. At the time I was asking for TWO sessions weekly, she wasn't available.... So I called another one, who played ping pong with me on the phone, I told her my insurance, she asks me to call my company see if she's on the roster, I did, I called her back, waited for her to call, left messages, told her I am in crisis...I finally get her like four days later...mind you I described I felt I was on the brink of insanity and needed help...i get through AFTER I give her the info, she then tells me she's in communicaton with the insurance company...I wasted HOURS on the phone with the insurance company got what she asked for, then she goes around and does it again or says she is...getting approval whatever...AND NEVER CALLS BACK! THEN I went to a major hospital for a "study" for ptsd...they informally diagnosed me with PTSD but I didn't meet the criteria for their study. After that I gave up and spent every moment during that period on this board and that is how I'm still standing, healed today.... Sometimes you are lucky to find a therapist who understands, sometimes you're not...and it took a while for my mother to understand it...but by coincidence...she had a narc hoover after 20 years. She had never known about narcissism....and when she called, I was able to see the signs and review all that I knew she had been through and I said Mom, you've been narced and she didn't believe it at first, and I started telling her what I predicted would happen and sure enough she said: Michele I don't believe it all these years in therapy and NOT ONE even turned me on to this! Go figure...at least SHE understands now...

#11 Apr 11 - 5PM

trying2heal

I agree

I keep saying the same thing. Nobody GETS it. But if I think about it logically I didn't even gy what was happening to me when I was in it. Could not explain it nor did I understand it then or now that it is over. What hurts the most is that the monster blames and ignores me for everything he did.

#12 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

michele115 (not verified)

tryingtoheal

Please don't own the blame...while we all have our own foibles, this relationship is disordered, Mother Theresa would have been to blame...this is one of the tools they use to undermine your strength... blame, chaos, projection, intermittent reinforcement, passive aggression...word salad...anything to keep you off balance... Just understand that...in this particular scenario, you can't assume ANY blame, there is nothing you could have done differently to affect the outcome because they are disorderd. Hugs

#13 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Jewwell

I don't even GET it myself!!

I don't even GET it myself!! There is something I feel for this man that I have NEVER felt for another man in my 51 yrs. and I am having a hard time understanding it. He has treated me great. He has treated me very bad. He has called me 100x a day. He has ignored me for days and days. And WHY am I so connected to this man????? That is the question!!!!!

#14 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

michele115 (not verified)

Jewell

Intermittent reinforcement causes a bond to establish...it's kind of like pavlov and the dogs we get "trained" to yearn for the crumbs over time...that along with the brainwashing...and the other tools of his disordered trade.

#15 Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

Jewwell

Michele - Intermittent reinforcement

Yes, intermittent reinforcement. I can never figure out what makes this man disappear. In EVERY other relationship I have had -- you usually KNOW (or sense) if you are doing something that makes another person upset. Or if you don't know, you ask them and you get an answer. With the N, we would be working on something (we have a small business interest together) or having long, intense conversations and everything would be AOK and then -- he wouldn't pick up his phone for days!!! Then, he calls as if he never left and all is AOK -- so frustrating to accept his crumbs.

#16 Apr 11 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

michele115 (not verified)

trying2heal

That is one of the most difficult parts because when no one understands, we feel more isolated and we shut down around others - we feel shame, we feel embarassed, and not being able to share, keeps it all locked inside of us, and part of healing, we need to release and we need people to support us that "get it" I remember vividly not even being able to articulate and everyone just looking at me with the *eyeroll* "oh boy, here she goes again* This experience takes so much away from us and this board was so instrumental to my healing. As you are aware, the "Share your story" section is committed to steps one through three now...so if you want to share here, you are welcome to do so, ask questions, start a thread this is your safe haven to get it out... AND that is one of the KEY componnents of healing...getting it out...purging it all... Hugs!

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