Why is it so diffucult to get over these people?

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#1 Sep 9 - 7AM
onwithmylife
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Why is it so diffucult to get over these people?

Hello all, i was thinking this morning that the real reason we have such a hard time getting over these men or women is because of one word HOPE, I know for me that is a big stumbling block, always thinking he will get better, if only this or that.. I know to us humans ,hope is a factor really engrained in our hardwiring, it is what makes you go on when all else has failed so my thought is it is very difficult to let go of that emotion.I have been over a year and a half out of my relationship but for some reason I refuse to let hope die with this man, even though I know I need to and tell myself that over and over again. to me any hope for that man will ONLY come thru an epiphany on his part, like death bed or a boulder falling on his head!!So I keep trying to retrain my brain to let go and move on. I am ready to date again but cannot seem to find a man i feel comfortable with on all levels, for me if I could meet a really good man, I do think i would have moved on easier. I have spent a lot of time by myself and know what i want this time around, if it ever comes to me! What are your thoughts on all this?

Sep 10 - 2PM
blueeyes
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Hope

Let's HOPE for the sake of our sanity that HOPE can become closure? When your left hope and feeling hopeless, lets feel closure! I will chose closure today. Trust, then verify~
Sep 9 - 4PM
betty2020
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They leave you in a state of

They leave you in a state of hope b/c you can never receive closure. In a narcs world there is no such thing. Always the open door exit for them. We are servery traumatized in these relationships. The Gaslighting, Ambient abuse, verbal and sometimes physical attacks we have been subjected to leads us to the same effects that those who have Stockholm syndrome face. We idolize our abusers. This is why the only way to move forward and deprogram from these effect is No Contact, support, and lots of education. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 9 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
gettinbetter
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yes Betty

Its the hope thing. I have mentioned in several posts these people never say.."It just did work out" or "Its time to end this" or "I've met someone else" No they just text you messages that say a whole lot of nothing with a tiny little glimmer of hope. They dont want it to end atleast not completely. They want to know they can come back when they are having a bad day or the New Supply isnt living up to expectations. This week I have been coming to grips with the death of my hope. Hoping that he would come back and say all of those sweet things to me so I could get high off of that drug. There is no hope for him and that kills me.
Sep 10 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
helldweller
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so hard to let go

Yes, it's because they don't let go. Every single time I asked the narc, do you want me to leave? do you not love me anymore? do you want to see other people? do you think it's best if we split? He would answer: "You tell me" or "What do you think" or "If you want to go then go."
Sep 10 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
ShaynasMommy
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helldweller

add to that, If you are so unhappy, why don't you let me gooooo??? (crying those big FAKE croc tears). Did you get that one too? :)
Sep 10 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
helldweller
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ShaynasMommy

Yes, yes, yes. "Let me go, let me go." I must have said a hundred thousand times, "Just tell me why it's over" and he wouldn't or couldn't. "Just love me. Just love me. Just love me."
Sep 10 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
imabloke
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They never let go...

When i gave mine an ultimatum ie: "Is this what you really want? me, out of you life? Her response was 'Well i suppose i'll have to say yes' with all the blubbering and tears. You don't have to suppose anything... give me a straight honest answer.. but no.. we never going to get that are we? Another one.. I said "Well i'll go and you'll never see me again... is that what you want to happen? She then said "NO but if it helps you move on..." Oh ok then so you're now doing me a favour.. WTF... They just can't let go..
Sep 10 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
gettinbetter
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Mine wouldn't say anything

Mine wouldn't say anything but "I will always love you" we need to spend "some time" together. We need to "work" on things. All phrases that weren't quantifiable. I call them phrases of hope to keep me hanging. Nevermind that this man will no longer speak to me by phone text only which is absolutely freakin weird and ridiculous in and of itself. Now if u are at the point where u won't speak to someone by phone, don't u think it would be easier to just call or txt "Hey we tried it just doesn't work for us" Oh no that's what normal people do
Sep 9 - 4PM
Briseis
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That's such a good point,

That's such a good point, that hope thing. To me, it's a little like growing up, getting mature as a person. What to hope FOR is the real question. What can you hope for that is realistic, useful, reasonable? It's like hope gets aimed at the wrong things. Hopeless things. A Narc has SO far to go to become normal. It doesn't look that way, on the surface, because they can ACT normal when they want to. People with NPD have been severely disturbed their entire lives. The only time they were normal was when they were babies and toddlers, and then they never got beyond that while their bodies and intellects grew. The foundation of their sense of self -- the deepest part of who they are -- is profoundly sick. Its not a matter of therapy or decision for them to get better. If you understand the "disease" of NPD, this will be very clear. It's so easy to be fooled because they can appear normal, but it's superficial. The moment they get stressed, out comes the real self, which is a complete mess, if it's even there at all. So hoping they will suddenly be the good guy you hope they will be? It's like wishing it would stop raining. It's that hopeless. Some things, in this life, are really that hopeless. It's a hard, hard thing to accept. It makes the world look like a less safe place. That's because it IS less safe than we'd like :( The sooner you get on board with that, the safer you'll be, though.
Sep 9 - 12PM
imabloke
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I know what you mean...

I've been NC for about 14 weeks now... and although i feel much better and getting my life back etc. I still hang on to HOPE.. why? I know it'll be another curtain call. Maybe i'm wrong, i know i was obsessed with her (which isn't good from my part and at least i'll own up to that), she was everything i ever wanted in a woman, why did it go wrong? The usual questions and i'm beginning to think that i played a part in being co-narcissistic perhaps. I'm starting a course of therapy next Monday so i'll see how that goes. But as for a new relationship - i'm not interested somehow. I miss the intimacy of being with someone terribly. And i don't think i'll ever have those feelings like i had with her, again. So i don't know how i'm going to react because at some stage we will meet again i just have that feeling!
Sep 9 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
tica
tica's picture

Imabloke

"she was everything i ever wanted in a woman, why did it go wrong?" Really? Everything you ever wanted? Let's think about this together, because I have had very similar thoughts about my xN and am also @ your 14 weeks NC (13, but close enough) Is what you wanted: someone who makes you feel not good enough? Perhaps someone who tells you one thing, then does another? always has you on eggshells, because you can just never do enough to keep them satisfied...someone who has "SECRETS" that your gut tells you are NOT good feelings? I know all about these feelings and how they do not match up with the physically beautiful person..it's like driving into an expensive neighborhood..seeing a beautiful home and going inside only to find it is a complete mess, chaotic and in disarray...Also like you, I struggle to find a relationship that I don't feel has the components that I need to to be intimate..sorry but true..but it's time to be open to EVERYONE..not think about it..but keep true to ourselves..be the BEST that we can be..the rest have to take care of themselves..the N's can't do this, and be sure that your xN misses your supply, she is having withdrawls as well..but because they lack emapthy..she can move on quickly..mine has an OW, but I know he will be back, as will yours...unless we stay NC...it will NEVER be good...we think we can be "cool" and play it right the next time...HOPE...doesn't work with the N...your gut says you will see her again..how badly do you hurt now..because multipy that times 10..when you have to start over..you are loving and caring...count your blessings for that..she will never appreciate you for that..she will appreciate that you are STILL her sucker...don't bail out now..you'll never learn a thing...I'm with you on this...we need to stay strong..fortunately mine would have to call or write..no chance of running into him (different countries) but he still creeps in to my dreams..but not as much as before..plus i think I'm laughing alot more these days..hope you do the same!
Sep 10 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
imabloke
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tica

Thanks for the reply. I know what you are saying... and you're right. If i went back with her even tho i know all this stuff it will be DD all over again. I must stay strong set the boundaries and work on me. I was in such a good place before i met her. I have to work on getting back to that and staying the course of NC is the only way forward. It's hard, i've experienced something with her and learnt more about myself I read this in a blog recently.. which has helped.. just changed the genders and it worked for me :) "The benefit of getting burned by a N is that you really meet yourself and realize what makes you great. You got a great gift of mirroring and seeing a special person- namely you. Remember what it was he saw- and realize that sooner or later a real Man with intellect will see it too."
Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
ShaynasMommy
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imabloke

"I miss the intimacy of being with someone terribly. And i don't think i'll ever have those feelings like i had with her, again." OOOHHHH YES you WILL... You are just burnt out on relationships right now, understandibly so. But in time you will come to realize that the intensity of your feelings for her was a direct result of the hype that she builds up around herself and her victims during the honeymoon phase of the relationship and you felt really close to her because you were caught up in the drama. And that's the way they like it. As time goes on you will eventually be ready to find love again. In my experiences, REAL love, mature love is more of a slow steady burn than a crazy hit-you-over-the-head-and-drag-you-back-to-the-cave kind of love. Its different but no less enjoyable, and you know it is right because it feels more stable and trustworthy. WAY better than anything these idiot N's can do. You are only 14 weeks out, and after suffering abuse like that, its not a long time to just bounce back with. be patient with youself.
Sep 9 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
imabloke
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Shaynasmommy

Thanks for that... I'm trying. And i am sitting still if you know what i mean. Just to let my old self return and not beat myself up over things - which i have a tendency to do.
Sep 9 - 9AM
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

It is because....

We truly have feelings, and hope is one of those feelings. I too hoped that my ex would magically wake up and see that he misses me and how he treated me. Then I realized that would NEVER happen, because he is perfect. He can never admit to fault. When we broke up, I was so desperate to try and save the relationship that I took the blame for everything that went wrong in the relationship. I now know that was complete bullshit for me to do. I can only own my actions in the relationship. I did/do truly love the man that I fell in love with, and I want to see him re-emerge full time, because he has the potential to be an amazing man. My ex never cheated on my, was never physically abusive, but he did use emotional abuse, gaslighting, projection and demeaning degrading comments. Hope is a coping mechanism that we all have, I think it is natural, but as we put time and space between the relationship things start to clear and our rational mind takes over. "Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 9 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
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Falling in love with potential

In an odd way, doesn't that define the teacher/student relationship, with the teacher seeing potential in the student? That's how I was with the ex-Psych professor. I thought he had the POTENTIAL to be a great writer, a great thinker,a great teacher... even a great philosopher, if he had tapped into it. Early on, he said, "You don't like the real me" (of course, he used a Tolstoy quotation in which the author says that love is loving who a person IS, not who they MIGHT BE) My response was that parents love their children... their infants and toddlers might not be scientists/philosophers/statesmen, but love them AND their potential. I'd tell him I thought he was a good person, then he'd snap "No you don't." Then he'd tell me I was his enemy and he had to oppose me... very confusing. All people have potential. Christians say that everyone, even the most narcissistic, wretched sinner, has the potential to be a saint. As Oscar Wilde said "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." Buddhists speak of everyone having Buddha-nature. It's just a matter of accessing it. In the ex-P, I saw a man tormented by his own demons. In a sense, I'd say he was possessed. The possessed aren't usually aware that they NEED help--that's why their friends/family seek out priests. By the end, with his paunch, he needed exercise, and exorcise.
Sep 9 - 8AM
Scoop
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Toxic hope is a killer

Toxic hope is a killer .Shortly after my break up with the nacr when i left there was a man i left my narc for and i was seeing him for a couple of months maybe 4 months but my heart wasnt in it and it showed , it was way too soon to be dating , i do think though if it wasnt for james i dont know if i would have still been here , it was a cusion i needed and i dont care if it was wrong or right or what ever that man saved my life . There is a man i like , he likes me and we have been out a couple of times , but im taking it slowly but so far there has been zero red flags and you can bet im looking for them ! For me my narc d&d me six times in a space of two years , i was at the end of my rope , i needed someone it was that or death . i know all the books say it was the wrong thing to do but this was a one off situation i will never be in again . James is happy seeing a lovely girl now so now hearts where broken . xx
Sep 9 - 8AM
faithinthefuture
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HOPE

I couln't let go of that either. I just kept hoping he would understand how he was making me feel and hoped he would change so we could work thru it. I lost that hope when he cheated on me again and just kept lieing about everything. Now I have hope for myself. To have a better life and hope to heal and if meant to be find a true man with a good soul. Hell to find one with a soul would even be nice. I'm not ready for that yet. Only been NC 5 1/2 months and I still need to work on me. I have spent alot of time alone also and I think that's what makes it hard sometimes. the lonliness. but then i remember feeling alone when he was here and i like this lonliness better. And I still have hope for him. I hope he lives a miserable life and someday even for a second he'll realize how pathetic and what a loser he is. I told him the day I kicked him out "I hope you find someone and fall madly in love and they lie and cheat and treat you like shit. Just like you did to me."
Sep 9 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
onwithmylife
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Faithinthefuture

Hi, i liked what you had to say and I try to believe in the old adage, what goes around, comes around. I have a gut feeling that this man is living a very desolate life, he moved away to where he knows no one, is only real contact is one of his children who keeps in touch with him when he feels like it.. that is not a life of substance. He would never once look inward, all these failed relationships and he kept blaming the women when he was the common denominator.He never cheated on me, it was my money he was interested in and once he could get a house on his own, i served no more purpose so I was D and D. I am hanging in there and trying to date just for the heck of it, life goes on.....
Sep 9 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Janet
Janet's picture

That "epiphany hope" must be

That "epiphany hope" must be pretty common. A year ago I sat in a Psychologist's office at the hospital where I was to have my annual examine but was so clearly upset the gyn sent me to the shrink's office instead (bless her). After I told me my story in brief, he said it sounded like N had a Personality Disorder and asked what I wanted - I said, "I wanted him to have an epiphany and realize that the way he was acting was cruel and to become a kind person again..." There is no epiphany coming with these guys. But, really, it is okay to let go. I have not dated, it has been a year, and I am 49. I am so much happier and more involved in life though. I hope to fall in love but in the meanwhile it is pretty good. Now THAT's an epiphany - I am happy without him! Peace. J

Peace. J

Sep 9 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
onwithmylife
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well spoken Janet!

That says it all...................
Sep 10 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
almostlydia
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I held on to hope thru so

I held on to hope thru so many years of breakups and reconciliations until finally I had seen enough to know that it was indeed hopeless. Then I came here and found out why. So I agree with Betty, after the hope is gone, it is the trauma of it all that remains and that is what I have been dealing with. I have been alone for a long time and mostly I have been content with it, knowing I could do this and this now and not HIS that and that. In fact, quite often I remind myself that I wouldn't be able to do this if the exN were still here and that makes me content. I tried to add up the actual time I spent (in reconciliations) with the exN over the last 3 yrs and I would guess it probably wouldn't add up to more than 5 months total. So that is a lot of alone time. And even tho I have been reconnecting with old friends I hadn't seen during 'The Lost Years' (as I now call them), it does not fill the void anymore. I actually made myself get dressed and drive all the way across the city to go to my ex husband's art show last night because I decided it was time to get back out there. This is a big move forward as I have pretty much been cowering at home, afraid of all the monsters in the world and my inability to distinguish them from those that actually do have souls. I'm sorry to admit that I am not one of those people who can find joy and happiness in just being. I need love. I need to get love and to give it and I need that man in my life now to get this sadness out. I have accomplished a lot during this time alone, found much peace, thought long and hard and now I am no longer content at being alone. almostlydia

almostlydia