why is it that my recent online interactions...affecting me now more than XN

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Anonymous (not verified)
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why is it that my recent online interactions...affecting me now more than XN

Im going to be honest Im coming here for support...this is my safe haven...where everyone 'gets it' not just narc... but I think because all of us have been thru therapy(well most of us have) we know how to communicate...we know how not to put others on the deffensive(and if we do we correct it...simple)

well...I posted earlier this week about the online slimball of a guy and how I had to overly defend myself. and even with info I presented yesterday it was countered

and now today and email was sent to the site basically notifying everyone about what slimeball did(yea they said it is because the guy wasnt a threat until he created the fake ID) so to me that means even though he said what he did...wasnt a threat until he angered them.

I have to say I am beyond worn out from having to defend my feelings on this...to the point much like I had to with Narc.

Tonite- I was told I still am not thinking right (gee thanks for the support, and thanks for saying something that puts someone on the deffensive immediately)

So, for some reason this has really affected me much more than Narc... I think it is because I am getting over Narc for good... and now this incident happend and rattled me a bit and I was left undersupported (by people who swear they are my friends) hahaha.

my therapist is on vacation- and although he isnt the best regarding Narc he is pretty good with this kind of stuff and non violent communication. and would be able to give me an opinion instantly about what is going on with all of this. (I know it is not me) but just sick of being told that it is.

Im going to take the focus and direct back to me again (I do so much better when the attention is there) Im just tired of bumping into these types...who think it is all me.. sick of it.

thanks for letting me vent (in a safe place) even if you disagree no one here fights with me.

Carolyn
Carolyn's picture
You only have so much you
You only have so much you can take and you are hypersensitive after all of the abuse. You aren't going to find too much justice out there as 'where would men be if women didn't take it anymore' there is a heavy societal pressure that women suffer in silence. Pick your battles, fake ID is problematic on-line or anywhere, so you tried to get some justice. Barbara is a really informed person on things like that and she seems very 'buyer' beware about anything on-line. Add that to your No Contact list for awhile and see if you don't feel better. I think you would have to feel anxious about these strange contacts.
curlygirl
curlygirl's picture
Validation
Destiny, this guy emailed you about touching his penis. In a workplace, that would have gotten him fired. If he'd emailed it to a minor, it would be enough to press charges. By any standard, absolutely -not- okay and a total violation. You felt violated and that alone is enough. I've struggled with this one a lot lately and noticed my response. I was talking to a friend about maybe wanting to move to a new city this year. She got into a -major- lather about how "you take yourself with you" "running away is never a good idea" and so forth. I could feel myself getting tense while she was talking. The simple fact is that given what I do for a living there are more (and better) jobs in other, bigger cities. I also don't love the weather here. And after a tough couple years I could use a change of scene. I'm not making any moves yet but am starting to do my research - it's nont something I'd ever do on a whim. I felt so attacked - and it felt so much like having to "defend" myself to N. I totally understand how you feel and it sucks. With my friend, I started arguing my point then actually caught myself and said "no, you know what, I'm confident that my reasons are sound - I'm not going to try to "convince" you." Because really, I can validate my own damn feelings, and make my own decisions, thank you very much. And -nobody- can tell me they're wrong - because they're my feelings and my decisions. Feeling like I needed to have my feelings validated has gotten me into a world of pain in the last few years. And really "safe" people usually will validate them in a heartbeat. People who need to argue with your feelings are generally pushing their own barrow, as we all know too well. Whatever the administrators' reasons for not kicking this pervert's ass off the site immediately - they're theirs. Maybe they've indulged in some TMI back and forth of their own, maybe they don't have great sexual boundaries, maybe they feel stupid now that it took this guy changing his ID and lurking for them to really pay attention. Regardless, you were in the right. You -are- in the right. You can leave the site and block his, and their, emails. You can honor whatever it is that you're feeling. You can come here where people who know from red flags will tell you that emailing about masturbation is a major no-no and a giant red flag. Screw anyone who says otherwise - they may not have been through what we have and if they really think what he did was ok, then they are likely to have to learn the hard way. Curly.
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
Curly
Thanks so much for your post. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that we dont need anyone to validate us..we dont need to explain to anyone why we feel the way that we do period. (this is what I have to work on) I have a best guy friend who often plays devils advocate in situations... never jumps to side with me (I like this about him) I have not yet told him about this incident with the slime and masturbating comments. He will no doubt either present all sides of this to me or say the guys a slime. I'm going to do what I have to do to heal from this... it triggered something....not sure if it is PTSD...or just reminded me of Narc. I also am starting to get good at not giving people too many chances...I dont need the stress in my life... you either support me and add little stress or i cant deal with you (right now) I think i am at a good point with Narc though- I went to block him on Facebook- and seems he recently blocked me- I had to a LOL- I could careless...I just liked to be able to see who on there I should avoid (but then I thought who cares) I blocked all his known email accounts on there...and it felt very very good to do it. I really feel like I have reached a very good place in regards to Narc. thanks again for your reply and support. Yes- I will be posting here when I do spot red flags as everyone here gets it. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
rache
rache's picture
EXACTLY(two thumbs up!)
I'm to the point,if,someone makes me feel worse around them instead of better-i'm outta there asap!
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture
Make sure you block him.
Make sure you still block him on FB. Because he can remove that block at anytime, then WHAM! This way is he unblocks you, he still can't find you. I even go in every so often and make sure he's still on my block list and have had my daughter's friends who I am not friends with look at my profile and tell me what they can see, just to make sure I am still protected. NC is not easy, but it is really freeing. I am so much happier now living my own life and not being totally submerged in someone else's. I do not miss the drama or the being made to feel "almost good enough".
rache
rache's picture
Destiny
My now(EX)friends(2) all said ever since i knew them(before i even knew what a narc was!)that i was crazy/stupid/mental etc!!!!!!!!WELL! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! i tested top 25 in the nation in language,vocabulary/spelling,although my typing skills on here suck and you'd think i wasn't(lol),anyway-these are the two ex friends who sucked up/had phone crap with now ex narc hubby dearest.Who's sick?The very ones calling YOU sick.AND,i tested absolutely no personality disorders,although,i do have ptsd.............who wouldn't from what i have endured.A true friend is as hard to find as a true husband/lover.My 2 ex friends also have husbands.
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
thanks rache- I like what
thanks rache- I like what you said about not letting others define me(have to work on that) this is just an exmple of what one of the so called friend above said to me. In therapy my therapist said it is good to use I feel statements.... I tried it with my Narc(and he hated it) and this friend did too. I was never saying I was reacting because of how they made me feel. I just was saying I didnt feel I was supported. I am trying to understand all of this to see if it is me and something I need to work on... so any input is appreciated the friend msg starts here exactly " made YOU FEEL LIKE" often we cant hold others responsible for how WE feel or how WE react then to say " you made me feel like that so Im reacting"...well that gets no one anywhere IMO people say things and we react and FEEL in response--sometimes its our RESPONSE that we have to take ownership of rather than say " they made me" “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
rache
rache's picture
Feelings
YOU are entitled to your feelings.I see nothing wrong with how you stated your concerns.This person i feel OVER-REACTED.TOOK IT PERSONALLY,etc.......
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
thanks rache- that is how I
thanks rache- that is how I view it to and almost everyone that I speak to about this. There were a lot of untruths flug around by this person too... saying if it came between me and slime there would have been no slime on the site. but then in another statement it was that they didnt feel it warranted banning. sigh...thing is I am still shaken up by what the slime wrote to me.. (but maybe also by the way I was treated by supposed friends) sigh “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”
rache
rache's picture
Banning
IF this didn't warrant banning,then,society is more SCREWED up than i originally thought.Here"s some food for thought.When i told my shrink(yeah i got one now-ptsd)that 90% of online date sites had 90% pathologicals on them-he said that most people on the street were! And,you know what?I wouldn't be surprised.Thank God us gals on here know we are NOT! worse case scenario-me-have Post traumatic stress disorder.I tested out at a 16 on the test Barbara shared about it.............Ouh,and,i darn well will NEVER! EVER go back online date sites again! I know this wasn't the case with this incident you shared but predators abound on single sites.
rache
rache's picture
Forgot to add
Also in reading.My math skills were on the low end,but,i have adult attention deficit disorder.I was told i would test out at the genius IQ if not for the learning disability and math prob.I still tested above average Iq.Point being-do not let others define who YOU are by their words!
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
you know the answer to this one
KNOCK KNOCK... destiny... the clue phone is ringing... now think about it: why would ANYTHING EFFECT a NON-HUMAN, with NO EMOTIONS, NOTHING REAL, a FAKE person? you still aren't fully grasping just how INHUMAN and SICK he truly is. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture
maybe it is me
I wasnt talking about the slimeball I was talking about the admins of the site in the post above. adn how I had to overly explain and defend why i felt that guy was a slime.... and I tried to get away from it today...just to have two more emails about it... unless you think they are Narcs too (then maybe I should just live in a cave) seems maybe I even confused you.... maybe it is me afterall. I know Narc... and I know the slimeball..i get that and all that surrounds that. but this post was about the aftermath of everything with the slime. i like that phrase though barbar 'call the clue phone' good one! “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”