Why I am so Sad & Empty

I can empathize with your feelings and they are very natural and normal under the circumstances. Rather than repeat myself here, I note I am addresing your post a day late...you may or may not have read my blog entry... Short and sweet - really doing the work involves facing all the issues you just raised, and building ourselves up...the HOW takes many different forms, there is no set formula we learn as we go along, but keep getting it out and eventually it will all come together. Hugs!

Smitten K, I too went out of my marriage and can relate on the N filling a void in my life. When I first met him, I was at a very bad point in my marriage. My husband and I were not communicating well at all. He had a boat load of stress in his life from work, I was also at a stressful point in my career at the time and we just weren’t putting in the effort or work needed to make our marriage work. I seriously was thinking about a divorce and it was absolutely awful. The N and I met at a local athletic/country club. In order to work off stress that was taking place in my marriage, I started working out more…the N had been a member of the athletic club for years, but I had never noticed him before. I’d noticed he stared at me a lot and I never paid him any attention. Then he started making it overtly obvious. My intuition didn’t like something about him, but I was at a weak point in my life and that’s how he snuck past my mental barrier. Since my work life was consuming me with stress and I was miserable, I started looking for another job and low and be hold, I was hired AT THE SAME COMPANY AS THE N. At first we just emailed, then we starting instant messaging. He was charming, nice, etc. I started looking forward to going to work…like all the other women who have commented on your post, he filled a void in my life. He moved away, but we kept in touch. I let him in my mind, body and soul and he trashed it. We knew each other five years. I had a horrible void before the five years and he D&D’ed me leaving me in absolute shambles. It was horrific. Since I’m married, I couldn’t grieve like a normal person and that just made it ten times worse. I would wait for my husband to leave the house and I’d ball my eyes out nonstop for weeks. I was always upset, I couldn’t eat, sleep and I was just so confused. I couldn’t understand how he or any other person could do this to someone they cared about or valued (as he said he did). So I too understand where you are coming from…I truly do. My heart goes out to you . Please know that I’ve been NC for almost six weeks and you want to know what hurts the most? That he hasn’t tried to contact me AT ALL…I realize it’s good that he hasn’t attempted to contact me, but it still hurts because I’m not thought of in the slightest. Please know that it is difficult everyday, but you heal a little bit everyday. Work on filling the void with therapy and doing things that make you feel good about yourself…this is what I do and it helps. Lots of Hugs, TovaBella

I so appreciate all your comments and support. I'm so glad I found this Forum or I don't know what I'd be doing to cope. Even with all the advice and help from the people here, every day is a struggle, as you know. And only you know what this is like. Other people who haven't lived it just don't. And it's so hard to try and deal with the devastation and heal and then have to act normal around your spouse and your family! You can't even grieve normally. Anyway, thanks again for your kind words of encouragement. You're all the best! XoXo

My suggestion, take the focus off the Narc, he is history and bad history and focus instead on whether you want to keep the marriage , work on it or move on, that is the crucial issue now. I was married, but my marriage was falling apart wen I met the Narc, and felt like I had died and gone to heaven. I was the one who wanted a divorce and got it, but the narc was the catalyst for my breakup,not the cause, my ex and i were drifting part long before the narc came into the picture. You need to look within and decide if you want your marriage or not.........It seems like too may women stay in unhappy marriages and use every excuse in the book, but that can be as bad as being alone,maybe worse, just my take.

Same story here, You'll get past this. Hang in there. Start doing what you like and it will all come together. You need to let go of his lies. Think about all of it. Its insanity, The Narcs life is one big lie, do you to be a part of that? He's not for you. Hunter, Hugs

It sounds like I wrote this post. I feel everything that you feel - I can totally understand. An empty, unhappy marriage. A narc that filled every single one of those voids. And 23 years later, when he pulled out, a void that was 100 times worse then before I met him. It is unbelievably painful. What is most scary for me, is that I'm scared I will never love anyone else and I will never feel emotionally connected to anyone else. We connected on a level that I've never experienced before. And he told me many times, that we connected on every level that exists. And like you, it seems now that it was not real. Isn't it mind boggling that we could feel so completely connected and they could fake it? I'm not sure if I'll ever understand it. It causes massive CD beyond belief. I don't know what else to say, other than I understand your feelings completely, and maybe one day the emptyness will be filled. Have you decided what to do with your marriage? I keep struggling with it every day. And I get older every day... at some point, it just seems like it is not realistic to even think about it anymore. Hugs to you and hang in there!

Hugs to you, I know exactly how that feels...... Sadly there is no answer to that one except in ourselves. The therapy and a large dose of resilience have been hugely helpful. When I see how my little boy's performance at school has radically improved since I give him the attention he deserves though, I have to say that it is a real reward for the calm after the storm... Love Dx