I'm so glad my words could help you Ava.
I'm no expert and my observations are just that, but common sense tells me that any behavior which is considered normal, is only called that because it is what most would do.
I think that defines red flags for me the best - anything that doesn't seem 'normal' probably isn't, so beware. It might not always be something destructive or unhealthy, but to take heed just in case it is.
I guess that is why I started this forum topic in the first place.
We're all learning how to perceive healthy versus unhealthy - in ourselves and others.
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I definitely agree with your notion of red flags and that anything that doesn't seem "normal" probably isn't. And its certainly a good idea to take heed to those gut warnings anytime they happen.
My problem is I've always been able to spot "abnormal" or "unhealthy" behaviour in myself & for other people [i.e. in friends partners or friends work relationships etc] but when it comes to my own close relationships I have a giant blindspot. I am almost certain that if it was a friend dating my exN & not me I'd have told her to run for the hills after about a week. But me? No. Can't see it. And I think that's part of the reason you're specific comments related specifically to some of my experiences really help me. Does that make any sense?!
Thank you again!! :)
Ava xx
Yes, he did ask me that question. But he didn't like it when I turned that question around to him- why do you love ME? and he also had limited answers for "what do you best like about being a father?" Should of seen then. I guess we can kick ourselves, but really I need to forgive myself. He lied to me, decieved me and manipulated me - just to hurt me.
We all could say that we 'should have seen it'.
But, we all have our reasons why we didn't. Lies, deception and manipulation... it was not our fault we didn't see what was really going on then.
Now we can see it and that's what really matters!
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My EXN and I never said those words to each other but my guess for those who got them from the narcs was because they always wonder who could possibly love them, since they hate themselves so much and suffer from such low self esteem, again to me, it all seems to harken back to early childhood, with mother and also dad, and the poor parenting that was done to them, my thoughts.............
Mine said he had an abusive childhood, but would not tell me what had actually happened. He almost did once but stopped himself.
I've met his parents and its hard to imagine them being cruel in a typically abusive manner, so I'm guessing dad was the controlling and judgmental parent with nothing supportive to say to him when he needed to hear it and mom was the one who smothered and transferred her own pain onto her little boy, constantly telling him how great he was, over compensating for dad's impatient harshness and confusing his little boy ego into narc-ville.
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When he came back he said. "Why do you sitll love me. I mean I know why I love you but why do you still love me" so I told him and then I ask him since you know why you still love me then what is it? His reply was: "Becuase of how you were raised" HUH? It shows how scrambled their minds and thoughts are. Those two ideas dont really even go together.
Now that I think about it. It shows me that he really has no concept of love.
That's pretty much what xnh did with me. He told me "I know why I love you, but why do you love me?". Like you, I told him. When I asked why he loved me, he told me "Because you're a hard worker." Yep, that was JUST so affectionate and romantic to hear. I felt so VERY unique and special when he said it (not). lol.
I guess I missed that red flag. I saw him as the love of my life. He saw me as his personal slave. I could have been a donkey pulling a plow, and gotten the same comment from xnh. You're right. It shows that he really has no concept of love.
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
"because of the way you were raised" and "because you're a hard worker"
I didn't ask him why he loved me, maybe I should have. After hearing what your narcs said, now I am curious to know what mine would have answered with.
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Hi
He always would say
"Name 5 things that you love about me"
and I fell for it most of the time and would give the needed supply.
A few times he said he had an assignment for me to actualy put it in in writing 10 things that I loved about him.
said he'd do the same but of course why would he lol
Or he would seriously ask me stupid questions, where the answer was obvious like..
"oh this person today said I was a stud, what does that mean?
I would just laugh at the stupidity of the question and ask him what do you think it means? but he would be persistant in asking til gave the answer he wanted.
He would ask "dose this look good on me?
but if I asked for his opinion he would always say
"there you go fishing for complements"
He liked to repeat things over and over
like this one applies to this thread..
"Big Ego.... Low self esteem"
Crazy Projection eh?
lol
"A few times he said he had an assignment for me to actualy put it in in writing 10 things that I loved about him."
- that's so absurd and after doing that kind of thing repeatedly, he'd accuse you of 'fishing for compliments"
Definitely crazy projection!
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hi
Thanks for validating!
Sure feels good and makes me smile :)
when someone and others really gets how weird and Absurd,
to use your word. that acurately describes All communication with them !
BeLinda
You are very welcome Belinda, I'm glad I was able to validate your experience in any way.
It's crazy making how in the midst of such absurd behavior we don't see it as such, but I don't blame us for that because they were the ones that brainwashed us into believing it wasn't.
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I'm so glad
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Ava
Yes, he did ask me that
momoya
Forgive yourself!
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journey
poor parenting
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yes!
That's pretty much what xnh
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
Sick of it and mystwoman
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Hi He always would say "Name
big ego, low self esteem
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thanks
Glad you can smile about it
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