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Why do we tolerate abuse?

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#1 Apr 20 - 8AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Why do we tolerate abuse?

In learning about narcissism over these past several months, from a run in with one last year...and then again, recently...I have come to realize my role in it all.

I think for me, the ability to finally go NC, with EASE...has come from the desire to work on myself, and figure out why I stuck by an abuser for far too long. (even though both relationships were relatively shortlived)

It's important to understand narcissism from the standpoint of realizing we haven't done anything wrong. The lies and brainwashing that goes on in these relationships, causes us to feel like if only we could have been more this way or that way. Or if only we could have done something better...loved him more...treated him better. He/She would surely treat me better then right? Wrong.

What I have come to accept is that truly breaking free of these people and the addictive cycle in brings...is to work on myself. To find joy in living life without a man. To find peace in my own blessings. Then, and only then, will I be able to detect abuse better, and when it starts...back away quickly. As opposed to tolerating it. And frankly, abuse starts with a honeymoon phase. When someone sweeps you off your feet, and tells you he/she loves you after a few weeks? RED FLAG. This person is wanting to rush things along so they can lock you in. That is not love. It's a precursor to setting the stage for being controlled.

But all this aside. I realized I could analyze the man all day long. I could sit here and label him all kinds of things. Once we realize we are dealing with a narc...and we are being abused...we have to leave. No one deserves abuse, and we mustn't mistake it for love.

So, that's all I wanted to offer today. That you will think about your role in the narc dynamic, in your own situation. Why do you feel this is the best you can do? Why do you feel helpless to leave? Why do you accept abuse? Once you get to those answers and try to resolve them? You will then leave. And not look back.

It's rather freeing, I gotta tell ya. I have no desire to hear from that guy...or call him. Not to say I don't think about him, I do. And I catch myself analyzing in my own mind...what happened. But, he no longer controls me. Only I could stop the abuse.

ONLY YOU CAN STOP THE ABUSE. Because trust me. They won't.

Apr 25 - 8PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

kevsmart

The abuse is subtle, because we don't value ourselves enough when it's all happening.
Apr 25 - 4PM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

The same way a drug addict

Shoots up, sniffs coke, but know its not good for them. Because we are hooked.
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #21)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

kizzy

Yanno. There's truth in what you say here, kizzy. I started thinking about alcoholics. If an alcoholic is trying to give up booze...he/she should stay away from bars...and other places that can breed temptation. Like them, we need to stop viewing FB...going on websites we belong to with them, that bring back horrid memories...answering their calls...returning their texts...etc. It stands to reason that like an alcoholic...if we allow ourselves to be tempted, we most likely will fall back into toxic patterns. I think you make a great point.
Apr 25 - 11AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Because he was the teacher

If the ex-Psych had been a fellow student, or a townie, I would've dropped him like a hot potato. Too many red flags. I put up with him because he was my teacher. It does explain why he was freaked out at the prospect of my graduation&his change of status (this was before Facebook) It's like he wanted to go mad, or attempt suicide... just so he couldn't face me no longer being a student. As an authority figure, he felt entitled to ridicule me in class after my grandfather died (but when the senior skit mocked his cowardice, he went running out) He thought he could tell me what to do, how to feel, how to think... and my motto to him was "non serviam" (I will not serve) Of course, he'd demonize me. I think he gets the idea that now he's no longer my teacher, I'd skewer him comedically like a shish kebab. Not only would what he say not faze me, but I'd treat him like one of those medieval midgets who were USED for entertainment.
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

susan

hi susan...i have missed your posts lately. i always giggle when i hear about your professor's antics. although, i'm sure he was far from funny at the time! lol have you any idea what this nut is up to currently?
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Been away from the board...

In between my computer having a major meltdown (I had to go to the public library for a week-and secure sites like this aren't recommended, heck, I wouldn't even go to http://www.amazon.com/ there to make orders), and my parents visiting for Easter... I've been busy. My computer blacked out, the video card died on the 11th... and I didn't get back here till yesterday. I've also been doing research for my writing. "I'm sure he was far from funny at the time"-During the final D&D, one of my friends said "One day he'll be a cartoon character to you." I had been sobbing myself to sleep. I had lost my appetite. My pastor friend had died from cancer. He WAS far from funny at the time... and perhaps I think that's why my classmates made sure to mock him in the final scene of the senior skit as some sort of healing. At the time, I was just pissed. I was cast as MYSELF... and a classmate was cast as the ex-P... except the grand finale was of the ex-P sweeping me up&he and I kissing. In the skit, the ex-P& I got the Happy Ending... unlike real life. So it kinda hurt. "What is this nut up to currently?"-I don't know any facts about his personal life... I think God spared me from that. The most current facts about his personal life date back exactly a decade, to 2001. He fathered twins with his girlfriend, married her after she gave birth, his parents moved all the way from MA to NM to raise the kids. Professionally, he got tenure... something I think is far more punishing, IMHO. He hated teaching, deemed his students stupid... and getting fired would've given him too much time on his hands, he would've blamed ME, and he would be playing the victim card. Back in '09, he gave a lecture called "Quietism on the Side of Happiness", horribly torturing English syntax in the process, as the title shows. What's weird is that when I read about his lecture (I sometimes look at my college news)... I felt TOTALLY indifferent. I wasn't royally pissed that he got a fat grant to give his lecture. I wasn't jealous that I didn't get to see it. I wasn't happy or ecstatic either. It was... as emotionally moving as reading my cellphone bill, or doing taxes. Like my baby nephew, the ex-P is living with his parents. Like my nephew, the ex-P's father and my brother in-law have the same first name. Weird. But I can deal with toddlers. Toddlers have basic needs. Not so much tenured toddlers.
Apr 21 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Deidre99

this is a great, thought provoking post and have asked myself a million times, at least as to why I kept going back to him for over 15 years, off and on, that is a long time in anyones book. I was looking at an incident report, I kept from many years ago, when I called the police because he was so verbally and emotional abusive to me that I thought it would go on to become physical abuse, it did not, but got real close because i told him, as he was in my face, I would call the police if he lay one hand on me.anyway it said on the report the words i told the cop the Exn said to me, 'get out of my way bitch, or I will kill you.'Whatever any argument is about, NO ONE says that to somebody they love and care about, even in the worst of arguments, never in my life had anyone said that to me.It sent chill s down my spine to reread that. i think I stayed because I have so little support system and he took yp a huge part of my life, I have a few friends, little family left and no one in my area, and i must have needed that companionship desperately when I get real honest with myself, that is my only answer for me, but now I realize as lonely as I may be, I must never allow myself to be treated that badly ever again............
Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

onwithmylife

Oh my, I am sorry. {{hugs}} But...you got it now! Thing is...nothing is a 'mistake' if we learn from it. :=) I think that how you view it now, is most accurate. Problem is, when we are in the middle of the relationship, we are only viewing it with our hearts. I now see things with my head...logically. And you're right. No matter what happened, threatening you like that is not a normal response. Just like with my recent ex...his behaviors became my fault. No, they're his choices...not mine. I didn't do anything that earth shattering...remotely earth shattering to deserve being hung up on repeatedly, called names, and made to feel like poop. I want my life back so badly. I feel it coming back, but it's going to take a little while to forget this. I want to forget this, and wake up and it not be on my mind. AT ALL. :=(
Apr 20 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

This is incredible insight...the only thing I am wanting to comment on is the question, why do we tolerate abuse. When I first came to this board, I thought that perhaps there was something WRONG with me for "staying"...in hindsight, learning all that I've learned, we don't hold blame in this scenario as this was a disordered relationship and we were TARGETED...just like a rape victim is targeted... In many cases, we were not AWARE that abuse was occuring...(S)he took over our minds before he used his fists. In some cases, (S)he never used his fists...he just gaslighted, brainwashed, and used intermittent reinforcement to set about his agenda amongst other things. So, I wouldn't say we tolerated it...we were unaware. The fact that we are here today on this forum is a testament that NO we are not tolerating it, we are fighting back...it is a hard journey, we fight Cognitive Dissonance and the brainwashing and the urge to break NC...and some of us are still flirting with danger, but the fact that we reached out for help, are trying to understand, are trying to physically and/or emotionally break free...we aren't tolerating it...and when most of us were in it...we did not see the signs...
Apr 20 - 3PM
Monica
Monica's picture

I did not realize I was being abused...

I had never been abused before, not in four decades of life. No abuse whatsoever. So I did not even see it for what it was. It was only "after" I had ended it and was telling my therapist and some friends what xN said to me, how he treated me, things he did to me was I told by all of them that I was abused, verbally and emotionally. I didn't have a clue. xN had told me that his ex-wife had accused him of being verbally abusive and I scoffed at that at the time. Now I believe he did abuse her...for 20 years....until she decided to leave him. I am SO happy to be rid of him. I am healthier, calmer, happier without him in my life and everyone notices it and comments on it. But my heart goes out to his next victim. He will, eventually, abuse and destroy her self-esteem and spirit, too, like he did to me and his ex-wife. I just had no idea I was being abused.
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
kevsmart
kevsmart's picture

Abuse

Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy...everyone LOVED my ex...the nicest guy ever...so sweet, charming, funny, and loving. They couldn't believe he was ever emotionally abusive (I couldn't believe it myself until years after the end.) They are so good at what they do...they can abuse you, tear you down, rip you apart, and have you crawling back apologizing to them... My ex actually cheated on me, lied about it, and then stayed friends with the guy...I broke up with him, then came back apologizing for over-reacting...OVER-REACTING!?! the abuse is very subtle, which can make it even more damaging and harder to confront. I remember thinking sometimes I just wished he would have hit me...just once...then I would have had no trouble letting go...his mental abuse turned everything around on me, thinking I deserved to be treated that way...after all, he loved me...right! RIGHT? Again, I wish he would have just gotten physical with me once...it would have made the abuse more obvious at the time and I would not still be questioning myself or my sanity!
Apr 21 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Steph
Steph's picture

it's the slow boil

it's the slow boil analogy......if you want to boil a frog, you don't through it in a pot of boiling water immediately....you throw him in cool water....and SLOWLY turn up the heat, till he doesn't know what him it until it's too late. Can't remember where I read that, but it makes sense to me.
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

staying strong

That is one of my favorite analogies...just sayin! :=)
Apr 25 - 8PM (Reply to #12)
Steph
Steph's picture

Deidre

one of my favorite analologies too lol.....it's gross but it makes sense!
Apr 20 - 4PM (Reply to #9)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Monica

I think when it happens for the first time, it's hard to determine what it is, exactly. I remember back in college, I dated a narc. He was textbook. I mean, horrible verbal abuse, and eventual shoving, and pushing...until I finally left him. It wasn't until last year, that I discovered this site, from getting involved with another narc...and realized that I was verbally abused years ago. That verbal abuse IS very real and damaging. I pray we all are wiser for our experiences, and we try hard to avoid abuse when or if it ever happens to us again. **hugs**
Apr 20 - 11AM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good Question

and something I was wondering about and frustrated with this morning. I know I fell very hard for him so was trying to make it work. Also, I believed he was what he said (still have trouble with that one). But I can't figure out what was wrong in my thinking that I would allow him to treat me so crappy when really I hadn't done anything that bad or at all. Any thoughts on why we do allow it?? I had a therapist all the time I was with him and eventually she said - Run!! He "acted up" within the first 6 months and I broke up with him, however, took him back a month later. Even if I didn't know anything about Ns, I should not have accepted that type of treatment from anyone!! I know it's after the fact, but I feel very unsettled about it sometimes!!!
Apr 20 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I think that it stems from

I think that it stems from somewhere inside of us, searching for validation of our worth...from another person. Searching for our value, from another person. It's nice to receive compliments...and when we tell someone we love him/her, we mean it. Unlike a narc. They may mean it, but on a very superficial...what's in it for me...way. But, this goes beyond compliments. When we stay with someone who abuses us over and over...what we tell that person is...I don't think I'm good enough to do better than this.
Apr 20 - 10AM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

Tolerate abuse!

I will try to be brief. I watchd my mom with my dad get abused. I swore it would never happen to me. And it did not! Not until I met and married a n, at fifty years young. I still don't know how he did it............. I guess I do. On the outside I was strong, and independent. But on the inside,,,,,,,,,,,, I have a lot of work to do.....I am so grateful to this board. I feel my real self, gaining strength. But, I am curious, how to they do it?
Apr 20 - 10AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Fantastic post D! You've come

Fantastic post D! You've come so far and it is so encouraging. Keep swimming sista....meet you on the beach :D ~KG
Apr 20 - 10AM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Great post

Hit the nail on the head with that last bit - and talking of heads, I think I battered mine against a brick wall for far too long, tolerating his moods and outbursts - but you are right. Anyone else and I would have said "Will you get the **** out of my house?!" ... But him - no, I turned into whatever I had to be to make the situation go away - humouring, flattering, cowering, seething inside - just to keep the status quo, but it was only ever a question of how long that status quo would last, because inevitably he would bark at me that he didn't want me to get comfortable with him!!! Ha ha - COMFORTABLE?!!! WTF! Anyway - thanks for this. Going to run in sunshine and try to figure an answer to question you have posed x
Apr 20 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

right on, D!!

Excellent points...great work! It's all true. When we shift the focus from trying to figure their disordered A$$es out and onto the light we have inside of us, accepting bad behavior becomes IMPOSSIBLE. It's a learning process. Keep pressing ahead, D. I'm so glad you lost this last LOSER. He would have really messed you up! You deserve better!!! Love and hugs and good vibes for healing and happiness. sincerely (think I've finally stopped) spinning...AND IT'S 'IDEAL' !!! :)

spinning

Apr 20 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You go girl!

You go girl!