Why do we miss these people?

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#1 Dec 19 - 3PM

Deidre99

Why do we miss these people?

I'm slowly letting go. It's day 4 since starting 'nc,' and it's getting easier. But...I have those twinges for lack of a better word...of missing him. :=( Thus, then I might check his FB, for example. Why, don't know. What do I hope to gain by doing this??

Why do we miss these people? What are we missing, exactly?

#2 Dec 20 - 5PM

Hunter

It's no different than

It's no different than mourning the death of a loved one. :(

#3 Dec 20 - 6PM (Reply to #25)

Deidre99

Yes, I happen to agree with

Yes, I happen to agree with this. But, this helps to look at it like this...loss is tough. I experienced losing my mom and dad as a kid, and so...loss is something I fear. And I think he knew it, and hurt me through it. Looking back. Thx for your post.

#4 Dec 20 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

Father figures

The ex-Psych professor knew I often had to deal with my father's absence when I was growing up. My father was often away on business. I missed him, longer for him. The ex-P practically worshipped his father. Most ladies here see their own father issues with the N/P, while the N/P in question had mother issues, they complemented each other. In this case, BOTH the ex-P and I had father issues. I'd write a "Married to His Father" book... it would be *special*.... I think he expected me to be a masculine, stoic father surrogate. Hard enough for the poor women here to be expected to be mother surrogates(!) "I think he knew it, and hurt me through it"-The ex-P threatened to abandon me if I told anyone else how he was treating me. He wanted it to be "private." The final D&D... telling him I cared about him... then being publicly humiliated... fit his sick purpose. Yet the ex-P wouldn't let me be the one who ended the phone call, and when he shook hands, he had a HARD time letting go. In the end, I was the one who left him. I skipped town, not telling anyone. And I left with my father!

#5 Dec 20 - 1PM

Briseis

Trauma bonding!!

We miss them because of trauma bonding. Oh, and we DID genuinely love them, though it was not reciprocated. What we loved was a person who did not exist as we believed, but it is still a loss. Why we miss someone who practically (or definitely) TORTURED us is the essense of trauma bonding.

#6 Dec 21 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

Happy1

Briseis

Is there some reading I can do on Trauma Bonding? I'm experiencing this big time right now. I'm no contact but miss him and no clue why. I can't wait to get over this.

#7 Dec 21 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

Deidre99

You might not miss HIM. You

You might not miss HIM. You might miss the relief that the bonding brought, the insidiousness of the trauma bonding. Like...he created a hostile environment...and then he was ALSO the alleviator of that hostility. Sort of like if I abuse you over and over...and then, I get down on my knees and nurse your wounds, and tell you how sorry I am. It would feel especially good hearing that from me, because I was the one who hurt you.

#8 Dec 21 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

Happy1

Deidre99

YES! You are so right! Does this mean I miss abuse? I am waiting for him to make it better again? He has done the breaking up and getting back together so many times in the past 2 years I can't even count. He has always returned and we don't even discuss what happened... It's like it didn't. But this time is different for me. He has hurt my son now too. I need to get better because I know this is all wrong. You are right on!

#9 Dec 21 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Deidre99

Until Briseis pointed me to

Until Briseis pointed me to that, I never would have figured out that connection. I mean...we FEEL it, but it doesn't make sense. That trauma bonding thing makes perfect sense. I don't think you miss the abuse, no. I think you miss the reconciliation, after the abuse. Like...take the example again of me abusing you. You are sitting there wounded. And every time I abuse you...you grow accustomed to me coming over, kneeling down, and nursing the wounds I CAUSED. Ok. So, in some ways, you don't mind the abuse, over time, because you get such a rich ''reward'' when I come over to nurse your wounds, and make everything all better. The reality is...we become conditioned to the abuse, is what happens. We start to view abuse as part and parcel of love. Well...this person abuses me, BUT, he also loves me. That's where you and I need to break that thinking. Love and abuse don't co-exist. So...you don't miss the abuse. You miss what came after it. And that is why NC can be hard, sometimes. Because we end the relationship ...because it's bad...and that 'thing' we yearn for...that nursing of the wounds...it no longer will come. So...you have to develop a new normal, because when we were dealing with was far from normal! {{hugs}}

#10 Dec 21 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

Deidre99

Until Briseis pointed me to

Until Briseis pointed me to that, I never would have figured out that connection. I mean...we FEEL it, but it doesn't make sense. That trauma bonding thing makes perfect sense. I don't think you miss the abuse, no. I think you miss the reconciliation, after the abuse. Like...take the example again of me abusing you. You are sitting there wounded. And every time I abuse you...you grow accustomed to me coming over, kneeling down, and nursing the wounds I CAUSED. Ok. So, in some ways, you don't mind the abuse, over time, because you get such a rich ''reward'' when I come over to nurse your wounds, and make everything all better. The reality is...we become conditioned to the abuse, is what happens. We start to view abuse as part and parcel of love. Well...this person abuses me, BUT, he also loves me. That's where you and I need to break that thinking. Love and abuse don't co-exist. In the example above, it's almost like you realize at some point in the relationship...I must go through abuse, in order to get his love. He will show me love, but I must endure his wrath. NO! That's not love! That's the counterfeit. So...you don't miss the abuse. You miss what came after it. And that is why NC can be hard, sometimes. Because we end the relationship ...because it's bad...and that 'thing' we yearn for...that nursing of the wounds...it no longer will come. So...you have to develop a new normal, because when we were dealing with was far from normal! {{hugs}}

#11 Dec 20 - 10AM

Scoop

I miss mine and its been

I miss mine and its been almost a year NC but what i have learnt is it is ok to miss him its just not ok to do anything about it . I miss mine because i loved him with all my heart ,for a time there was nothing i wouldnt do for him or put up with because i was so in love . To love someone is a celebration , we are the normal ones with normal ability to love , what we didnt know at the time is the person we fell in love with was a fake , a psycopath hiding under the mask of goodness . 4 days NC and going strong eh? good for you , as you get into the swing of no contact it gets easyer and i would block him on FB so you cant look , it was one of the first things i did. Big love and hang in there Scoop x

#12 Dec 21 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

ImStrong

There is a time when abuse

There is a time when abuse must be abuse. There is a time when a person is helpful and caring and wil cure and heal your wounds..The big thing here is both cannot be together..both must not play as twins..both must not pair. When in psychology there are severe analogies on how to treat or discipline a child. and one of the number one analogies or taticts is to not Abuse or pu.nish a child then reward them..why? because this child will now have difficulty understanding the punishment and either be passive or confused. Now if you look at the two key words I just said there Passive and Confused..sounda familiar..we EMpaths has been that all along with our Narc men while they have been abusing and awarding like the parent in my example. Again these two things do not go together. So why do we miss them you ask..simply because we miss our rewards like the ladies before have said. Humans love awards and achievements..we also love to love and what more of an award than to receive one from the love of our lives. When ever you miss your Narc ask yourselves this. Do a ambulence abuse there victim before they treat and heal them..or do they just heal? Does a animal rescurer abuse and kill the animals they capture or do they just heal and save them? You see there has to be only one not the two.. The thing is you must choose which one YOU want ..you cannot depend on the Narc Only sickos and psychopaths have crasy abuse and pamper there victims sydrome..they are sick like a mass murder or rapists who pets his victim after the act..his cold dead lifeless abused victim Are you that cold lifeless victim? Or are you you..Alive "In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess you"

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#13 Dec 20 - 10AM (Reply to #16)

Deidre99

This is very true, I think.

This is very true, I think. Thanks for posting this. I just thought about this. Why you you miss him, D. I realize I miss the affirmation he gave me. Getting involved with him was wrong, because I was desiring affirmation...ever since I was a kid...seeking and searching for emotionally unavailable men (like I had growing up) to affirm me. I can't believe it, but this is a breakthrough this morning, for me. I don't miss him. I miss hoping for affirmation. Every text...ever email...sometimes, he would say things that made me feel affirmed. Approved of. This is great news! lol I was struggling with confusion over the weekend a bit. I am glad to say, I don't miss the man, I miss what I hoped to gain. And perhaps, in some weird way, like he is not well...my own view of relationships has been disordered. Thus, I stayed with a disordered person.

#14 Dec 19 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Deidre

Block him on facebook. Trust me if you have access to his fb your just gonna keep looking at it and its gonna keep you in this crazy circle.

#15 Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre99

Okay...I will do this.

Okay...I will do this. You're right. Looking at his FB is really not wise. Thank you for this!

#16 Dec 19 - 3PM

StillHurting

I miss

I miss all the attention. It was like I finally found someone who appreciated me, who I clicked with. The whole stupid soul mate thing. He made me feel really needed and loved. So you can see why this is so difficult. We were connected at the hip for so long.

#17 Dec 19 - 3PM

Deidre99

michele and allthatglitters....thank you

from the bottom of my heart, thank you! allthat--what you say is very true. I just have to keep retraining my mind. I just realized a moment ago. That part of my personal dilemma with this, is...I don't want someone thinking that I'm a fool. This man humiliated me ...many times, and very recently... My mind is stuck there. I don't think about 'what if' we hadn't broken up. I am past that. As that happened a while ago. But, I'm stuck at...did my letter make me look foolish? Did sending that goodbye letter make him laugh at me to himself? Like I'm pitiful, and he could care less about me saying goodbye, and I am the one who looks silly. That's where I'm a little stuck. Any thoughts to how to let go of the humiliation aspect of this?

#18 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

What's weird...

Is that I ended up humiliating the ex-Psych professor. It's like I got the last word, and he was too dumb (and lazy) to do so. After I met the OW, I calmly told his colleagues that I didn't know he already had a girlfriend. I got the sympathy from his colleagues... and he had been so fast to make an exit that he didn't even defend himself. He didn't even TRY defending himself (some Ns/Ps do) The final scene of the senior skit mocked him... and it offended him so much he yet again made a quick exit (it didn't refer to him by name, but he knew it was him) He had once considered himself an expert on St. Augustine; he wrote his master's thesis at UVA on him. He had a paper published on Augustine a year after the D&D, but I suspect it was in the pipeline (academic journals are different from weekly&monthly magazines in terms of lead time)my junior year. I did my senior essay on Augustine. I did well on the senior oral exam, despite him goofing off (I ignored him) He has not written about Augustine since, as if I sullied the subject. When I was a senior, my senior class read "Anna Karenina" instead of "War and Peace." My freshman year, the ex-P threatened "I'll keep you from reading War and Peace." Okay, the switch from "War" to "Anna" was controversial for some of my classmates. Some ended up reading "War." I stuck with "Anna" and enjoyed it. Great novel. He thought he could keep me from reading "War and Peace" because he didn't want me to "intrude on his territory" and "sully the subject with my interest." That DID NOT WORK.

#19 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

StillHurting

Susan...

I am confused about this professor character. Did I read somewhere on here he is a homosexual? And he had a girlfriend? Maybe I misunderstood something.

#20 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Susan32

He was profoundly CONFUSED

When we speak here of Ns/Ps being in search of themselves, that's why the D&Ds are so brutal... I think the ex-Psych professor was a case in point. He was incredibly homophobic, yet he ogled guys. He had a circle of male disciples and didn't think I was sufficiently smart for his philosophical discussions on account of being female. He told me he was more comfortable around men. When I wore dresses, he'd call me nasty names (like slut) But if I wore jeans/pants, he was fine. His girlfriend was very masculine and tomboyish... she was his carbon copy, from wearing dark clothes to having a crew cut. Of course, my classmates joked about her possibly being lesbian. I think the ex-P was a closet case. He had the Electra complex (hating the mother, being attracted to the father) rather than the Oedipus one (hating the father, being attracted to the mother) MOST Ns/Ps here are described as "mother-enmeshed" or married to their mothers. The ex-P was enamored of his father. Psychologically, I'd say he was married to his father. He lacked the honesty&respect to come out as gay or bisexual. As one of my friends said, "coming out" would've required respect for others and closure, which he lacked. The falling-out between him and the OPENLY gay professor was quite ugly. Their fight was more personal&venomous than a disagreement between colleagues. My gay friends had a special dislike for him, they disliked him even MORE and for their own reasons, than my straight friends. The ex-P was confused about HIMSELF. Ns/Ps are empty&vacant inside.... no wonder we're confused about them!

#21 Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

Jean

Susan32, we have the same taste in

Narcs, I'm afraid. Or maybe have just spent too much time in academia! The current Narc also seems gay, and commenced D&D after I finally said, "so after all this flirting, do you want to do something about this or. . .could you be gay?" Guess this made him feel, uh, threatened. However, he had just returned the week before from Las Vegas with picture of himself (alone, of course) at the Liberace Museum and he'd seen Cher. He goes to the Liberace Museum on almost every Vegas trip. ???? God help me, I still have the urge to feel sorry for him and want him to find a Nice Jewish Man. But then I snap back to reality and realize he spoils everything he touches. I swear, after dealing with these guys I feel like I've been in an altered state of reality so I can only imagine how they view the world. It must be they way a child views it, everything right up front, happening right now, events sort of swirling around you . . .or maybe that's just my head spinning after writing this . . .

#22 Dec 19 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

michele115 (not verified)

Put it out of your mind...

If you stick to NC you never have to see him again. Really, worried about what he thinks? He doesn't...He certainly isn't thinking about you...and I don't mean this to hurt...but the fact is, the guy has no conscious. SO since you will never have to see him again - does it matter? AND Really, what is he anyway? An empty shell? You don't walk around worrying about what empty shells think do you? All that stuff is YOU and your thinking...dismiss it. You are who you are, you are a beautiful person. We do silly things when in love. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud you DID love. The heck with him and what he thinks. Dismiss those thoughts...he can't even be impressed - if he could, he could appreciate - he can't. You can't change that even if you wanted to. Be happy it's over... Because now you're free to really ENJOY life and the things you like and what makes YOU happy. Humiliation...Humph...yea, been there, but in reality when it comes to these guys...a USELESS thought. Get rid of it.

#23 Dec 19 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Deidre99

michele...and to all

thank you for sharing here. It makes a lot of sense, as to why I'm replaying a few things over in my head. I don't want to miss anything about him, anymore. I'm going over things in my head. Maybe it's not 'missing' him, but just going over the tape. I remember when we first strated dating, he showed people a pic of me and they all said...''she's too good for you.'' haha I should have listened to them. They knew something I didn't, clearly. lol But...as time wore on, I'm not sure if he disliked them saying that or what...but he went from kind edifying things...to berating me. And I took it. Over and over, I took it. I'm upset about this today. So, maybe I don't ''miss'' him, per se. Rather, I am replaying some things over in my mind, right now. I reread my letter to him. I should just delete it. Who cares what he thinks, as you say michelle. I reread it...and I now wish I had just started ignoring him two weeks ago, when he really started increasing his insults. I did try to ignore him, and he would call/write. I kept trying to ignore, but he kept pulling me back in. That's why I sent the letter. And now, he has gone away. My friend as I've mentioned, told me that this never would have ended. He only told you he wanted it to end, to irk you. To hurt you. But, if someone wants to stop being friends with someone, he/she just does it. They don't keep threatening. He said ...feel good about the goodbye letter, in the sense that YOU came out and said goodbye. Something he probably never thought you'd be able to do. That helped. I like how he worded that. It was important for me to tell him goodbye, because he kept threatening to leave my life...well now? I am letting YOU go, jerk! lol Ok...thanks for listening to this rant. lol

#24 Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

Lisa E. Scott

Deidre

AllThatGlitters is right - you miss the "illusion of him" not the "real him." The reason you are stuck is because your ex brainwashed you. Many of us don’t understand why we can’t stay away from them even after we have learned how toxic they are to us. We must remember they have brainwashed us. Like a salesman, they keep us coming back with the lure, the promise and the hook. They are master manipulators. They know how to make us feel guilty so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them so we will come back to help them. They know how to promise great things so we will come back in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves so we will come back seeking validation. Ultimately, they have brainwashed us to question everything we thought we ever knew so we feel dependent on them. We need to DEPROGRAM from them and as Michele points out - the only way to do this is to first establish "No Contact." Once we have done this, we can begin the process of RETRAINING OUR BRAIN, which we will talk about when the new recovery book is released next month: "The Six Steps to Surviving a Toxic Relationship" Our society is undergoing a revolution in mental health with the newfound knowledge that we can retrain our brain. There are several methods on how to achieve this. I describe some of these methods in the new book and we will discuss them as a group on our new forum. I look forward to bringing you the new book with action steps on how to move on and heal. It's almost done! I was hoping to have it to you by the end of this month, but it's going to be released next month instead because I have a whole week off from work at the end of this month and want to utilize the time to finalize the book. My e-publisher gave me a deadline of 1/1/11 for the first draft. This way, the e-book will be available for download on the new site by the end of January 2011. Thank you for your patience!

#25 Dec 20 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Deidre99

Lisa...

Thank you for your comment here...I agree. This right here...you hit the nail on the head: "They know how to make us feel guilty so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them so we will come back to help them. They know how to promise great things so we will come back in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves so we will come back seeking validation" That is exactly what we have been through. I marvel that we all have this in common, and that our narcs are nearly identical in tactics...it's bizarre, and comforting at the same time. I am saddened so many have gone through this, but happy that you created a safe haven for us here, Lisa. I look forward to your new book.

#26 Dec 19 - 3PM

michele115 (not verified)

Diedre

Sending hugs and support on your day four...hang in there it gets better. Stay strong.

#27 Dec 20 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

Deidre99

thank you michele

I know it will...but when? lol Kdding. I just have to keep riding it out.

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