Why do I still care???
Why do I still care???
I haven't had communication with him for quite awhile, and I don't plan to. I haven't reached out to him on my own in months. I haven't cried over him in some time. I'm accepting who and what he is. I can see the signs of everything that was wrong with the relationship. I understand it all now. I could never trust him again. I could never just be his friend. It's easiest and best for me if he continues to stay out of my life, and I don't get the sense that he's going to decide to come back on his own anytime soon.
Having said all this . . . why the hell do I still care???
Why do I feel like I NEED to know if he and his latest floozy are definitely together or not? Why do I feel like it's better to know than to not know?
Why do I still miss him?
Even just the thought of accidentally running into him around town somewhere sends me into a panic. I don't want to see him. And yet I can't keep from looking up her Facebook profile and his to see what's what. Checking mutual friends' pages and comments. Making connections about things I find there and being anxious about it.
I know the reality of what things would be like if he were to come back, and if I were to accept him back into my life, and I don't want that. It's not like I want him back. But DO I, somehow, deep down?
Why can't I get rid of these feelings? The man I loved turned out to be a not very nice person. Even when I was with him, he drove me nuts, and there were times I had to admit to myself that I didn't like him very much. He was never, every physically or verbally abusive to me - let me make that clear - but the emotional seesaw was hell, and I didn't like how he could be where other people were concerned. And yet here I am, feeling wistful and nostalgic and wishing he was still part of my life the way he was before. Hating the fact that he may still be with her. Hating her for having him. Afraid that he's better with her than he was with me and being jealous as all get-out.
What on earth is wrong with me??
Thanks :-)
Mandy M
Mandy
I completely understand...
Mandy M
Mandy