Why do I still care???

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#1 Feb 23 - 4PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Why do I still care???

I haven't had communication with him for quite awhile, and I don't plan to. I haven't reached out to him on my own in months. I haven't cried over him in some time. I'm accepting who and what he is. I can see the signs of everything that was wrong with the relationship. I understand it all now. I could never trust him again. I could never just be his friend. It's easiest and best for me if he continues to stay out of my life, and I don't get the sense that he's going to decide to come back on his own anytime soon.

Having said all this . . . why the hell do I still care???

Why do I feel like I NEED to know if he and his latest floozy are definitely together or not? Why do I feel like it's better to know than to not know?

Why do I still miss him?

Even just the thought of accidentally running into him around town somewhere sends me into a panic. I don't want to see him. And yet I can't keep from looking up her Facebook profile and his to see what's what. Checking mutual friends' pages and comments. Making connections about things I find there and being anxious about it.

I know the reality of what things would be like if he were to come back, and if I were to accept him back into my life, and I don't want that. It's not like I want him back. But DO I, somehow, deep down?

Why can't I get rid of these feelings? The man I loved turned out to be a not very nice person. Even when I was with him, he drove me nuts, and there were times I had to admit to myself that I didn't like him very much. He was never, every physically or verbally abusive to me - let me make that clear - but the emotional seesaw was hell, and I didn't like how he could be where other people were concerned. And yet here I am, feeling wistful and nostalgic and wishing he was still part of my life the way he was before. Hating the fact that he may still be with her. Hating her for having him. Afraid that he's better with her than he was with me and being jealous as all get-out.

What on earth is wrong with me??

Feb 23 - 8PM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Thanks :-)

Thank you so much to everyone for the responses. I don't know what I'd do without the support on this site! I'm definitely so much better than I was six months ago, that's for sure. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have a hell of a stubborn streak, so even at my lowest, I refused to chase him down and try to get him to talk to me, as badly as I wanted him - I figured the one and only thing I could hold onto was that he had no idea I was so screwed up and hurting over him, and I wasn't going to break first. I can honestly say that's the only thing that got me through. It's also what keeps me from contacting him. If he wanted/wants the pleasure of knowing he got me to fall in love with him and then ripped my heart out, I'll be damned if he ever gets it. Keep wanting, a**hole. He knows I was pissed off at him for leaving the way he did - I stood up for myself and called him on that crap - but he has no idea he broke my heart as badly as he did. I wasn't about to let on about that. I've unfriended him on FB, so he can no longer see my page, but N that he is, he gives the world free viewing rights of his, so that tactic didn't exactly work in my favor as well as I'd hoped - I'd figured that would FORCE me to quit going to his page to see what he was up to. We also share a great many mutual FB friends who I like a lot. I did try going on FB strike for awhile, but I returned for two reasons: 1) I wasn't about to let him chase me away from my own keeping up with friends and family around the country, as FB is the only way we keep in touch, and 2) while I was gone, the thought of ultimately returning made me more and more anxious the longer I stayed away. Sooner or later, I knew I'd be back - see reason #1 - and it was like I was building up the potential "threat" in my mind till it got way out of proportion. That was ultimately unhealthier than facing it head-on on a regular basis. I've tried throughout this whole thing to not run away from anything. For example, my house reminded me so much of him in the beginning, and at one point, I decided to move because I wanted ZERO reminders of him in my life. Eventually, though, that ticked me off - I love my house, and I shouldn't HAVE to move because of what he did to me. It's the same way with FB - I shouldn't HAVE to stay away because of him. I'm glad I've made myself be strong and faced both of those things, as difficult as they were - they're two less things in my life that I've allowed him to take from me. Emotionally, I've cried so much I may as well own stock in Kleenex. I went through the zombie stage where I could literally barely decide which frozen meal to put in the oven for dinner - I've never been so close to catatonic in my life. I'm still working through some things - there's some material stuff I'm still hanging onto because I can't yet part with it, but I know I'll be able to when I'm ready, and I'll know when I'm ready. And there are other non-tangible things I'm going to have to confront sooner or later just due to circumstances, but those, at least, I can put off until I know I can deal. I just want to get over caring about him. Missing him. Hurting at the thought of him with her. I don't want to give a damn about him anymore. When we ultimately cross paths again - because at some point, it's bound to happen - I want to be able to look at him and look away again without feeling anything, not even shock at seeing him, and think, "Yeah, whatever, d*ck" and go on my merry way without giving him a second thought, and without even having to TRY to keep from giving him a second thought. I want him to be nothing to me. I hate that he still is. I don't want to still love him.
Feb 23 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mandy M

Ah... A girl after my own heart. Love it! Getting over it... Well just give it more time. Hugs Idealk
Feb 23 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mandy

Hi There, Its all a normal grieving process. It Sucks doesn't it? Just keep doing what you are doing. You were emotional raped, It's not going to go away quickly. Hugs Idealk
Feb 23 - 7PM
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

I completely understand...

MandyM, there is nothing wrong with you. You were burned and you are hurting. That is only human. The only thing I can say is that I am going through pretty much the same thing, except I am early in the process (only 10 days of NC, he was verbally abusive, I don't know if he has found another "floozy" and he has tried to reach out to me) - ok, sorry, maybe there are a lot of differences. My point being I understand the anxiety you are going through big time. I cannot imagine what I would do if I had access to facebook and could see his page to see what he is up to. If we were with somebody else, it would break me right now. What has saved me? My friends have taken my facebook away from me and changed the password, so I cannot access it until they feel like I am better. It is slightly masochistic to look these things up - because it only causes more pain. I know we are suppose to deal with and face our emotions. But I also believe in protecting ourselves from unnecessary pain. You are in pain and recovering from the relationship - what is the point of adding more pain to that? I honestly believe that with time, you can come back and look at the photos and it will not affect you bc you will be a stronger person and you will have regained your self. You will realize that YOU didn't lose anything. It's his loss. He wasn't nice. And you deserve better. And most likely the relationship with her will not work out - bc as everybody says, they are incapable of having a loving and healthy relationship with anybody. Is there a way to block facebook? It's tough, but it's saved me so far. Instead I concentrate on the pain I already have - which is more than I can bear. Facebook just makes it worse. Deal with what you are dealing with now - added images and thoughts just prolong the healing process. Also be easy on yourself! There is NOTHING wrong with you. I think everybody on this forum will agree with me after reading your post. I feel the same way you do a lot. But I know that years before my relationship, when I was a stronger person, I would never have questioned my judgment the way I do now. Please don't judge yourself. Everything you have explained sounds absolutely normal. Big Hugs.
Feb 23 - 5PM
jen79
jen79's picture

Mandy M

I know how you feel, and I am happy to say that I just moved beyond that stage. Please also read the articles I posted today about the narc brain functions. It really takes away all your last hope, and also your last fears that he could be different with her. Its not possible, not possible, cause his brain doesnt work that way (I mean its not possible that he suddenly start to really love her). From your post I can see, that your logical mind, the left brain already got the picture. But you have to understand (funny, "understand" is so left brain too), that what needs to heal is your emotional parts of the brain. The journey is an emotional journey, I am sure you already know that too. But it means, that if you want to survive that hell, you have to go through it. You have to look at it very honest, if you are maybe afraid to really walk through it, cause it sucks like "hell". It really does. But trust me, if you manage to survive that, it gets better. Slowely. I can only say, if I feel better, I cannot reconnect anymore with the part of myself, that was so much in pain. I realized that all over the last year, I was either IN it, or out of it, I only could talk about it like a stranger, that I once was in horrible pain about someone, as if this really never happened to me. And thats the problem. Its important, that you allow all these parts of you to reconnect again, and that you dont abandon any part of you, even if that part got you in real trouble. With this I mean, that part of you that is vulnerable, 5 years old, and cries for being loved, and that brought you into big trouble, cause it wanted the narc no matter what. If you disconnect from that, to get over the pain faster, the pain will come again and again to knock on your door and say hello. You have to allow it. Like Lisa said in her posts, let the thoughts and feelings be there, and dont judge them. I know it sucks like hell. But I swear, although I felt depressed like hell the last weeks (had contact again with him, last encounter), I swear, I feel better now a little bit, better than ever only cause I allowed myself to go through it completely. Even the damn emptiness, and the despair, and anxiety, and the hopelessness, where you are close to death, so it feels like. But I feel somethings different now. I dont miss him anymore. I miss love, and the feeling that I actually never really experienced with HIM, only in my fantasy. Hope that helped. Hugs.
Feb 23 - 5PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mandy

Nothing is wrong with you!!!! You have been brainwashed and it is pefectly normal for you to obsess about him right now. You are experiencing Cognitive Dissonance, which leads to obsessive thought. Here's a helpful post: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/12/07/cognitive-dissonance-leads-obsessive-thoughts Also, remember: You have been brainwashed. Like a salesman, he always kept you coming back with the lure, the promise and the hook. They are master manipulators. They know how to make us feel guilty, so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them, so we will offer to help them. They know how to promise great things, so we will return in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves, so we will seek validation from them. Ultimately, they have trained us to return to them over and over again. The only way to stop this pattern is NC and retraining the brain. Keep up the good work. You can do this! We are here for you. xoxo