Why do I obsess over his life/what he's doing/why he's with her, etc....

Well i obssess because my ex N lives in Tulsa Oklahoma and me in Holland (Europe) and i really don't know what is true or not,he told me that he was maybe gay,then he said he just said that for me to live him alone,he said he was still having an affair with the mother of his children while we were together(i called her to expose him and she told me it is a lie,they do not even speak)he made me crazy after i came back to Europe after living him....so i do not know if he has somebody,if it is a man or woman,i am jealous,angry and afraid....there is no closure ,no rest for my thoughts....he is NC on me for sometime now,and i decided to stop calling him a month ago....i went NC on him even he was alredy NC on me....is difficult with all those issues in my head,but is necessary....i am feeling empty and sad but i see bits of myself coming back alredy....

Your story sounds so much like my mom's life. She and my dad were married about 20 years and he had a much younger girlfriend. The girlfriend constantly called my mom and told her to let my dad go. At the time my mom finally kicked my father out my brother was 19, my sister 17, my other sister was four and I was two. I never saw my father in my life. He went off with the OW, they married and had a child who is about 2 years younger than me. The funny thing is after my mom kicked him out he didn't even tell the OW. Finally one day when she called my mom with her repeated let him go speech, my mom informed her she had. The OW died at age 42. My father died about 3 years later. He was 65. During those three years he reconnected with my mom, but never with his children. He also had a new girlfriend as well. The thing I remember most about this situation is my mom's reaction. She NEVER got over it. She spent those twenty some years after the divorce grieving and being incredibly pissed off at my father and the OW. She lost out on all those years of her life being consummed with his. This affected all of us tremendously. I think my childhood caused me to end up with a Narc. Like my mom, I didn't value myself and what I had to offer. I saw myself as an appendage to someone else. I beg you to forget your scum of a husband and move on with your life. It doesn't matter what he does, if he marries her or not. Your life is yours to live. Do not waste your precious life worrying about what he and the OW are doing. Your children are watching your reaction to this situation. The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to hold your head up high and thank God you got away from the monster. Even if your husband ends up like my dad, dead at an early age, it will not give you back any time you waste worrying about him. The best revenge you can get is to live a fantastic life. I know easier said than done, but you are worth it. He will get his, as will she. But don't spend your life worrying about it. Even if they break up he will still be a cheat and liar and someone who is not worth your time or your life.

I think we all obsess in the beginning.. and it comes back in ourlifes.. now and then.. but it does get easier in time. I felt the pain your going through, what are they up to? i'm sure the're having a great time? etc. What i wanted, was what he (the boss) is getting now.. the thing is, if its any consulation.. it will get only worse for the boss over time.. I read some thing a while ago and i stuck it on my fridge and it helped.. "It will happen. Give it time. Sooner or later, it will happen. It happened before you, it happened with you, & it will happen after you. No one in this universe is ever going to meet their fantasy expectations...." And so the cycle of idealization... DD will go round again and again and again.. do you really want to be on THAT merry go round? Talk on this board, chat to the girls on here.. They will help you ALOT! and this is coming from a bloke. I wish you well and i hope things get better for you.

".....the longer he lives with her the more of a life he will have with her." No doubt he will. BUT, think back to what you had with him, and ask yourself: What sort of life will she have with him? The longer they are together, the worse it will be. Then she will have the added problem of a divorce, maybe kids, whatever. Whereas you will be so much better off without him, though it may be impossible to see this from where you are now. I am sorry you are in such despair. Try, even if it's only for a few minutes or so, to take the focus away from him and onto yourself. Search all about obsession you can find here, so you can understand why you are doing it.

"this girl continues to believe she saved him from his horrible life with me, and that she is the one. she is clueless to his cheating..." - all the more reason that's priceless, don't you think? "that upsets me, because the longer he lives with her the more of a life he will have with her, and she can say, see, It was real love, I saved him and I was the one." - Bullocks! You thought you were the one at some point, and I'll bet he told you so. Look how that turned out. "...he has plenty of people he could rent a room from during the week, and stay at his mom's from friday to monday morn, so as he wouldnt have to commute to work." -that sort of convenience doesn't matter. Only the great supply he is getting from one totally duped whore. You are so worried about the outcome of all this, from his side of the story. I understand completely. I used to obsess over if it was ME, if I wasn't good enough. But HE is the defective one. This trollop will be forced to remove the rose colored glasses eventually. I wish I could tell you when that day would be, but OW's are not predictable like N's. It all depends on the unique situation and how willing they are to put up with bullshit. There are folks out there scratching thier heads over why you stayed with him for so long, yourself, but that's just how long it took, period. You reached the end of that process and are now beginning a new one. My guess is that she will put up with it for quite a while, because of how hard she fought for him and it would kill her to have to admit to herself that she wasted so much time over that. So it might take 24 days, 24 months, or 24 years, nut it will all crumble for them. So try to take comfort in that, that is ALL you need to know about them. I know its hard, it still stings a lot after 5 months, but if you keep up the good work it will all fall into place for you. Believe me, there is life after divorce. The world is your oyster, as they say. If you are worried about when you will get your vidication or justice, then it won't happen by you standing by and waiting for it. A watched pot never boils. (Boy I'm gonna get into trouble with all of theses borrowed sayings). As soon as the pain and depression lifts you will not believe all the things you were missing out there in the world. And I really think you should find a way for him not to be paying for your bills, to remove the reasons he has to contact you in the first place. Let him blow his cash on another whore on the side. Because you know damnwell he won't be spending it on homebase whore.

I have the same issue. I am constantly obsessing about my ex and the OW. Mine was a long distance relationship so he had ample ability to hide his other life. My N kept his foot in the door for almost 2 years. He was able to do that because he lived so far away there was no way (short of hiring a dectective) to find out what was going on. Courtesy of facebook and myspace I was able to put together the pieces of the puzzle in 2 days and I was devastated. I have known for 4 months and I still can't let it go. He married the OW a week ago. This poor girl has no idea who she married. The lies, the cheating the on-line porn fascination. Although with mine he had to completely leave the life and friends he had with me to start a new life because everyone figured out what a loser he was. The one help for me was going NC. When I found out about the girl in April there was one last email and that was it. Unlike a lot of these other guys, mine disappeared. No calls, no texts and no emails. It is almost like we never existed, even though we were together 6 1/2 years, but that is his style. When you are disgarded you cease to exist. Even with that I am still concerned that he will rear his ugly head and I will have to deal with him. Ususally it is when he really needs something. What a user he is! J

he doesnt want to rent a room, he getting free bed and board and still doing excactly what he wants, and please believe me she knows what he is,he left a wife and kids, of course she knows him, she doesnt care as long as she has him and you dont. i wouldnt like to even get a small peep i to what she is putting up with ,thats why he is still with her, she is standing for every bit of appalling behavior, you will know the minute she doesnt. b/c he will dump her, i have no feelings for her, only you and the others on this board, so dont think ime defending here ,noway. but she is bending over for him, every minute of every day, and he despises her for it. he is having sex with someone else, does that sound like he cares ,she probley even knows, but looks the other way.thats why he is still there no other reason. deep down he respects you for having the guts to kick him in to touch, i know you may find that hard to believe but its true.she is nothing more than a CARD CARRYING MEMBER OF "I AM A CONVEINENCE" CLUB. you are not, you have shown dignity and pride. keep positive.

Five months actually isn't very long, so don't beat yourself up about all the wondering. I think it's a pretty normal reaction. I'm sorry I don't have an instant way to make it go away... it's just going to take time, and time only works if you are NC, btw. It's been said (and debated, but I've found it to be true) that it takes about 18 months of NC to really feel free from the effects. You were married, it's not as if you can just "forget" about it. As for him being happy??? What?? He's a narcissist. There is no "one" for him. Or there's no Miss Right, there's only Miss Right Now. They emotionally destroy every person they come into contact with. You said: this girl continues to believe she saved him from his horrible life with me, and that she is the one. she is clueless to his cheating, and will probably never see him without his mask. that upsets me, because the longer he lives with her the more of a life he will have with her, and she can say, see, It was real love, I saved him and I was the one. that eats me alive, day and night. Actually... you don't know what she believes, or what she is clueless about, or what she sees. Yoy;re just letting your emotions carry you away. You don't know what's in her head. Why would she probably never see him without his mask? It's a mask isn't it? So it's not real. OF COURSE she will see him without it. And you have your thinking all backwards... THE LONGER he lives with her, the more of the real him she will get. What do you mean, "the more of a life he will have with her?" He can't have a life "with" someone. He's disordered. I understand your anger... but it's not helping you to direct all this anger at this other woman, and always be calling her a dirty whore, and a dirty whore homewrecker. The homewrecker is the NARC. HE is the bad guy. What she is doesn't even matter... because if it weren't her, it would be someone else, and yet someone else again. And I'm sure there were more before. If he left his imaginary wonderful life with her, and came back to you, he would still be a narc, and he would still cheat on you with more women. Do you want that?? Please, I hope you can focus more on understanding reactions to pathology... to PTSD... and to yourself, and your own sense of worth that has taken a beating over this jerk.