Why do I miss him more

31 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 1 - 10AM

Steph

Why do I miss him more

Why do I miss MORE as time goes by rather than less? I can't seem to let it go. I can't grasp that he never cared about me. I think about the great times and can't understand how they had more meaning to me than him. And how the bad times were blamed on me. I have read so much here and learned so much....but then I think what if he isn't disordered and this doesn't apply to me. What if I am the problem?
I have been back to work, and I get through the shifts....and then I come home and cry my eyes out because I feel so empty. I have been given great advice here, and by family and some friends.....but I always seem to talk my out of it. Make excuses for him and shift blame back to myself. I wake up every morning going over the same questions in my mind and the more I can't let it go, the more frustrated I get. I know it takes lots of time and patience....but my patience is running out. I am getting worse not better. I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow and will likely start antidepressants. I really hope it helps because this is getting ridiculous.
Anyways, i just feel like crap this morning and wanted to vent.

#2 Feb 1 - 6PM

Kelly

Make a list

It really helped me to make a list of all the things my N/psycho did while we were together that was consistent with Narc behavior. In only the 6 weeks we were together, I have a list of over 50! I'm still in an obsessive stage - however, when I do have those cognitive dissonance moments and I'm remembering all the good stuff and thinking "What did I do wrong?" I remember that list and then I'm like "No, stop obsessing, he's definitely crazy cakes" It's amazing the things I let slide while we were all happy and bonding. He was manipulating me the whole time and I was too forgiving and too oblivious to his odd behavior. I never questioned what he said. I wanted so much to believe him. He is what he is and I really feel bad for his girlfriend. She has no idea, or if she has been seeing his crazy side, she is ignoring it just like I was. He should not marry anyone and he should DEFINITELY NOT have children. I'm so lucky to not have been trapped with that abuser/psycho. Scott Peterson manipulated everyone in America into thinking he was a good, grieving husband. Women still send him love letters in prison! I'm reading Without Conscience nowaday's. Great book!

#3 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #30)

Steph

Thanks for your response and

Thanks for your response and advice.I too have made a list of things that he did that were consistent with Narc behaviour....i'm just still not convinced. Even though it was a councellor that adviced me to read about narcissism. I just find myself minimizing some things he did or feeling like i am over reacting....or that i am responsible.... which i am learning is part of the manipulation he has done. Anyways, thanks again:)

#4 Feb 1 - 12PM

GettingOut

It's Wasn't You

I was with an N for a long time and he told me for a long time the problem was me so he did not have to be accountable for his behavior. I kinda visualize that if someone stood next to me and poked me in the arm repeatedly for decades, every day, I'd have quite a bruise, indentation, who knows, perhaps the bone would even be damaged. Every day. Poke. Poke. Even though I intellectually KNOW the problem isn't me, the thought comes into my head on occasion. How could it not after being poked for years and years? When I start thinking like that I tell myself to stop and then think about a few things he did. Then, um, it's pretty plain to see if wasn't me at all.

#5 Feb 1 - 3PM (Reply to #20)

Steph

I try too to remind myself

I try too to remind myself of the things he did/said that gave me a sick feeling in my gut.....but then i remember the nice things he did/said....and then i'm back to thinking he's the nice guy and i'm the abnormal one. i am going to trust the advice that this does get better in time and with help.

#6 Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #21)

GettingOut

staying strong

I know EXACTLY what you're saying. Pretty confusing, that. When I first started seeing my therapist I was consistenly stuck in this confusion and I'm not immune to it at this point in time, but it's better. She would say to me "you know, you keep looking at the good as a means to discount the bad. Stop it. Look at the bad." At first, being so confused, I thought "well, that's not very nice. How negative." :-) When I start down that path that he paved so nicely of me being the abnormal or defective one, I tell myself to stop and then I immediately look at something he's done. There will always be good times that I can drum up in my head. There will always be times where I think the problem was me because he drilled that into me after every sick event he constructed. Well, I say always, but I don't know. Maybe it will all stop in time. When the pendulum swings towards the nice or that you were the problem, kick it back the other way. Not once have I done this without success.

#7 Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #22)

Steph

Thank you:) It's exactly

Thank you:) It's exactly what I do.....look at the good as a means to discount the bad.....then i feel responsible for his bad....then i feel abnormal. i have an appoinment with therapist today and am hoping it helps:) Thanks for the advice and sharing that you've experienced this as well. Not that I wish bad feelings on anyone of course, but it's nice to know i'm not alone/crazy!

#8 Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #23)

GettingOut

staying strong

Hope you feel better after your appt. today. Here was another thing. One time we were talking about this and she said "ok, it's all your fault. Why? Because HE said so?" She then went on to ask me all sorts of questions about his behavior vs. the behavior of others in my life. Holy crap. All my friends, family and co-workers didn't tell my I smelled. They didn't tell me I was stupid. When I was having an issue they listened. If I asked a favor they didn't call me a pain in the ass. If I made a mistake they didn't scream how much of an idiot I was. Etc. Etc. Sooo....who was the problem? Him. Period. End of story. Try that approach too. Interesting when you compare the N to the world outside. After awhile and seeing the truth, at least for me, I don't think of myself as the loon all the time anymore. As I mentioned, it still pops up but even sometimes I laugh at the thoughts because they don't have the power for me to believe them anymore.

#9 Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #24)

Steph

That's a great way to think

That's a great way to think of things too....comparing him to how others treat me. My friends would never belittle my job, make me feel inferior, if i am in a time of need...they OFFER support...i don't even have to ask and they are there for me, they don't make me feel guilty if i am unable to fulfill a favour on their time line, if i point out a concern to them about their behaviour they listen and they don't tell me i am over reacting or go off on a tangent and turn it around so i come out the bad guy when i didn't do anything wrong in the first place, they don't make me guess what they are feeling they tell me, they don't play hot/cold with me, they don't manipulate me into feeling like i am the problem, if they do something that hurts me they GENUINLY apologize, they don't blame their problems on everything/everybody but themselves, they don't expect me to listen to their problems endlessly and then get bored with my stuff, they don't feel the need to insult me if i get a compliment from someone else or attention from someone, they don't mistrust me or question my whereabouts, they don't get MORE MAD at me if i am crying, they don't get so angry at me and tell me i MAKE THEM feel violent. yeah, jsut writing that down feels better! thanks:)

#10 Feb 2 - 11AM (Reply to #25)

GettingOut

staying strong

see? there are solutions to getting past this stuff. In my case I have found it to be hard work at times. But like Barbara has said, it takes time. Normal people don't treat you the way the N does. There's another notch in your favor on the you're not crazy list. :-) On so many occasions, when he was treating me awful, I would ask him to treat me like a neighbor, or one of his co-workers. Because I KNEW they got treated better than me. But, of course, telling the N that only caused him to come right back at me to tell me how the neighbor appreciated him, didn't always want to fight with him, blah, blah, blah. How ridiculous of me to share my feelings. His abusive behavior had to be my fault, according to him, because otherwise he would not be as ideal as he claimed to be, yes? Add onto what we've already talked about is the fact that on this board, on other boards, on sites specific to narcissism, their behavior is discussed and, in my opinion, I wouldn't have been reading with my mouth hanging open thinking "holy crap, the N I'm married to does the same thing" if there wasn't some truth to what's published. I mean, is everyone out there lying all the time and making up stuff just to perhaps ostracize the gem of an N in your life? Um, no. The truth stared me right in the face and yet some times I STILL couldn't understand. Nasty things these Ns. Nasty indeed. You'll be ok. As will I. Just keep working with your therapist and I will do the same.

#11 Feb 2 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

rache

My ex N

Told me-noone has treated me as bad as you-not even exes.I said then why did you divorce them,he said they cheated on me! It was always THEY cheated.Lying bastard is the one going around with his pecker in his hands(wanting young girls).....freak!told me he was TIRED of OLD granny panties,etc....well,what makes the bloated,66 1/2 year old geriatric f..k.r think a young woman would want his shriveled,decrepid,worn out limp ED tool.GAGS i hate N'S.

#12 Feb 3 - 4AM (Reply to #27)

GettingOut

rache

Rache, don't hold back. Tell us what you REALLY feel. :-) When I'm upset, friends and I will play of game of trying to spew out venomous names about the N, quickly, without repeating. It's hard but it's so funny even if it is immature. A friend of mine holds the record at 9. :-)

#13 Feb 4 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

rache

Getting out

Lol,that sounds like fun!and,a really good time to play it could be when we learn of their smear campaign against us.i know the old fruit is spewing his lies like a broken fire hydrant.

#14 Feb 1 - 11AM

aceonelady

staying strong78 here is aceonelady ...i have that too

My ex N is total NC with me,i am in therapy for a year already but me too imiss him more than before plus he told me before he went total NC that he is skipping with some people(i can only imagine what that is) and that i dont need to expect anything from him never again.I should feel better now but is getting worst,i miss him,having dreams and intrusive thoughts imagining him with men,women etc...i have diabetes high blood pressure and i realize this isnt doing me any good...i read everything,i know is best for me without him but still miss him,and sometimes i ask myself too if maybe was me too..

Aceonelady

#15 Feb 1 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

rache

aceonelady

skipping means he is seeing them-as in running around being with them-doing things with etc.You need to look at the BAD he is instead of the small and very small indeed good he did with you! My grieving is going much better SINCE i got out of DENIAL.THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE! lOOK AT THE BAD THEY DID TO US ALL........That is what they ALL are=bad!

#16 Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

staying strong78

you are DEPROGRAMMING from deep mind control & brainwashing. it will get worse before it gets better. This is your Cognitive Dissonance working on you. it's still early. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#17 Feb 1 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

Steph

Thank you for saying that. I

Thank you for saying that. I have been starting to feel that maybe there is something wrong with me. A family member just told me that there is something wrong with me. She said that i ignored red flags. She said that I must enjoy feeling bad otherwise I would just accept what has happened and I should be feeling better and that people go through worse than this and they do fine. The main thing that I heard from that is "there is something wrong" with me....which is what i already feel....there is something wrong with me/i over react therefore i was rejected by my x....and now family thinks there is something wrong with me too. AHHHHH! glad to hear it gets worse before it gets better. i just hope it does actually get better. he moves on quickly and i want to too!!

#18 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Jessika (not verified)

Yes Staying Strong

Your family member certainly does not know what she is talking about if she is blaming YOU. We all got dupped... betrayed, conned.... NPD is a disorder of hiding- they fool even mental health experts. We DO however have to use this as a learning experience, however that will come later ~After you make it through the intense pain. There is nothing wrong with you. Pathologicals do this to everyone (who has a full range of emotions). Educate yourself about pathologicals (try reading all of Sandra Brown's material). Regarding your pain ~ Unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better. The first month after he left I was hurt... however from months 2-6 I was a mess. VERY depressed, anxious, barely functional. Believe me it DOES get better. This post is very similar to something I wrote in July when I first came to this board. I was devastated and in such pain it hurt to breath and I would spend hours crying and asking God/universe what could I have done differently. I had to start therapy and then had to go away to a 5 day retreat for daily treatment with Sandra Brown in order to start getting better. I know it sounds so cliche' but it does take time and patience. I am about 8 months out now. Not feeling anything like I did months 2-6 at all. Right now I am dealing with the anger of betrayal. However, no longer desiring him... only desiring to kick him in the head and balls repeatedly ~ not necessarily in that order. I have so much contempt for him. This is a man I wanted more than life itself! Hang in there... do active things to help yourself like therapy and meds. If you need to increase the intensity then try a retreat or inpatient care. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I would be so desperately in need of mental health treatment. However, after such trauma it is the only way to get your life back with an improved version of yourself. Right now is it going to hurt so badly. Intellectually you will completely get it, however emotionally it will still be very painful. The intrusive thoughts, the cognitive dissonance, depression, anxiety I used Sandra Browns hypnosis CD repeately. You may want to check that out, along with her books and DVDs. You are at the toughest part. Keep posting! Jessika

#19 Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #18)

Ellen

Jessika

Yes i'm 11 months out now and i can relate to what you just said here................it's anger and betrayal for me too right now and also still struggling with the self blame. 'I know it sounds so cliche' but it does take time and patience. I am about 8 months out now. Not feeling anything like I did months 2-6 at all. Right now I am dealing with the anger of betrayal. However, no longer desiring him... only desiring to kick him in the head and balls repeatedly ~ not necessarily in that order.' I have so much contempt for him. This is a man I wanted more than life itself! Now and then i still desire him.........but it's the fantasy of who he was (or what i thought he was) when he was in his twenties and when i was a lovestruck teenager.

#20 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #16)

Steph

Thanks for sharing. It helps

Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I'm not alone. I remember after he broke up with me the second time and he cried and looked heartbroken.....then I found out he already had someone else. So he blamed me for the break-up just to get out of the relationship and go with someone else. I am almost convinced he had someone lined up again with this last break up. Not that it matters. It's over. I just hate the thought of being duped. We all do i guess though. I am glad to hear that you are doing better with your recovery. It's inspiring to know that it is possible to get through the pain of having someone take advantage you. thanks again. I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow and i'm hoping it's helpful!

#21 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

Amazed

Thank you for the post Jessika

Your feelings you confided let me know I am not alone in this strange conumdrum we have all found ourselves in,,that we can take charge and correct your lives from what they have slung on us.

#22 Feb 1 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

kamin

Stay strong

StayingStrong78, How long have you known this person ? A couple of months, say 6 months ? You need to give it more time. Read my story(KAMIN'S STORY). You may find some similarities.

#23 Feb 1 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

agnesmurphy17

Stay Away

Stay away from this family member. Nobody who has not been abused can necessarily understand. Whatever, this person may have felt well-meaning, but you have just been gaslighted & abused all over again. You need validation & comfort at this point. Just to talk & sympathy. Why shouldn't you miss the good times? You loved him. You're probably lonely now & you miss him, or at least the nice him you fell in love with One day things will get better. Hopefully, you will fall in love with a man who is worthy of you & who will build you up. Soon you will forget all about this jerk who was so mean.

#24 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

Steph

Thanks so much. I hope you

Thanks so much. I hope you are right:)

#25 Feb 1 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

there is

its called PTSD and you won't just GET OVER IT ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#26 Feb 1 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Amazed

stayingstrong and getting out of the danger

You have learned things here, you have to reinforce it in your mind like a muscle. You HAVE to exercise it. You have to look back, and see where it wasn't so good. Guess what,, the Pathological (DISORDERED< SICK< DANGEROUS< DEADLY) individual in your life trained you to think he was IT and only he was it. That is their tactic, like a gang robber who steals your wallet on the train. One guy tells you to look over here, the other asks you what time it is, they other is a baby crying, and the other asks you for directions. Meanwhile, they stole your wallet, you didn't feel it being lifted from your purse,,yet when you reach for it, it is gone. I hope you truly understand, that these people are criminals. They are criminals. They are theives. Con Men. Convicts. If you feel you want to be and stay with a criminal, then go with him.

#27 Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

4joys4

Yeah. It was a con job. For

Yeah. It was a con job. For awhile you are going to want to think he is that nice guy that you once knew. I was in a sort of "con man shock" if you will..lol. I couldnt believe I had been had. Didnt I eat, sleep, and work side by side with this guy for 2 years?! How could I not have known? Accepting who he truly is was a process.

#28 Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

remember

we all need to remember these guys FOOL PROFESSIONALS they can PASS A LIE DETECTOR TEST they BELIEVE Their own B.S., only as long as it serves them they have ZERO relationship with reality and again - they FOOL PROFESSIONALS (Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Doctors, Lawyers, etc) ALL THE TIME ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#29 Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #9)

4joys4

That makes me feel better. I

That makes me feel better. I saw him fool therapist after therapist with me sitting right there. I looked like the liar and the crazy one. Very dangerous people, these narcs.

#30 Feb 2 - 4PM (Reply to #10)

rache

My ex N

Couldn't fool the shrink that tested him he said N could turn on a dime!I think it was because shrink was a guy,lol

#31 Feb 2 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

quietude (not verified)

counseling

After my exN dropped me, and shortly after was trying to lure me, he even suggested couples counseling (which nearly made me hit the floor since Mr. Self-Sufficient would never normally agree to that). This was around the same time I was reading about how they fool therapists too, and I knew I'd be so screwed if I considered it...which I really wasn't ~ I was pretty much done with him by that time.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews