Why do i feel Gulity all the time?

I don't feel guilty I left him. He turned it all around, and who knows what he tells others. Most likely he left me. I think that is what a 'friend' told me. 'Friend' in quotes, as I don't consider that 'friend' a friend any longer. I think we feel guilty, because they conditioned us to feeling bad a lot. I also grew up in a house wrought with guilt. You always were made to feel bad about something. I was always accused of lying, by my family. I was always made to feel that if I had all a's and a b...on a report card, well, why didn't I have ALL a's? If I helped make dinner, it was never good enough. Rarely did anyone say thanks to me, or ''good job.'' When you grow up with assholes, it's easy to gravitate to them as an adult. lol I'm in a blunt mood today. :=o

Women seem to be hardwired for guilt. We have to make a conscious effort to grab hold of ourselves and do our own rewiring. I feel guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty even, ad infinitum. It never stops. It's actually just been since the narc that I have dealt with the fact that family ANGERS me and it's okay. My anger is very legitimate. I'm not the a**hole, for the most part. I acknowledge the subtleties in human interaction, the blurry, the shades of gray and want to understand my role in those dynamics. Fundamentally, that's the difference. I WANT to know what my role is in any breakdown in friendship or romance, family problem, whatever. How many people in the average population want to, how many MEN? I bet everyone on this board is ready willing and happy to take on their legitimate burden of responsibility in the same way. Is that a really common trait? Probably more common among the empathic. I grew up hearing that I was all wrong, bad and weird and it was never true. I just couldn't tolerate my father who was a bit of a narc nutcase (sorry Dad) See what I mean? Sorry DAd. Seriously. I didn't plan that! Ha haha. I hope the inborn inbred or induced affinity for guilt we women have is addressed more on this forum. We REALLY need to look at this.

It's VERY normal to feel this way. Throughout the relationship with a N, they has blame and twist things around on us and we start to believe their projections and manipulations. It takes time and NC to detoxify from the brainwashing. Keep reading as much as you can about emotional abuse, abusers, narcs, other PD's. It's validating to read about and place a NAME to what was done to you. Feeling guilty is a horrible feeling but it does go away over time. Hang in there and never forget that he is disordered and this is NOT nor was is EVER YOUR fault. xoxo

As most of you know, I broke NC a couple of weeks ago for some unknown reason. I think it was to find closure but not really sure. At that point we had gone almost 8 weeks without any contact - nothing had been said or even insinuated that we were done. The talk we had was probably the most "normal" and calm that we'd had in a long time with very little blame-gaming or guilt-tripping. I left there very sad but felt a good degree of closure and was doing pretty well...until the very next day. He must have felt that the previous day's conversation had ended a little too normally and peacefully and had to reach out for one more mindfuck. Here is a taste of his effort to lay one final guilt-trip on me before moving on: FROM HIM: Is it o.k. that I bring the washing machine over this evening? FROM ME: Since I had not heard from you about the washer in several weeks, I assumed that you had made other arrangements for it, and I no longer need it. Thanks anyway. FROM HIM: Typical Terri, For 2 years you would not take the washer. I held on to it. When I have a buyer for it and the dryer for $200, you throw a fit......so I do not sell it. You said you wanted it. Now you back out. You are in consistent in not keeping comittments. FROM ME: I'm sorry you see it that way. As I wrote, I had not heard back from you after about 6-7 weeks regarding when you would be able to deliver it. Also considering how you were in temperament that day, and the way "things" were left, I did not know what to expect. Reliability and consistency run both ways. FROM HIM: You did not answer my calls, when you finally did pick up you gave me hell for being in Louisville (and yes you did know why I was there), and never responded to my text. You never called and when you came by, you made it clear you were done. Instead of honoring an agreement or a commitment, you manipulate them. You continue to add sorrow to our once sad relationship.

Guilt and critism is a form of control they use on us. This is why you feel guilty and blame yourself for everything. Remember this and do some more reading. I know when I feel like this I start reading again. It comes and goes.

Booboo..I don't know if you know what survivor's guilt is, but it is when two or more people are in the same situation and one of those people dies or is hurt beyond repair and one gets away unscathed. The unscathed one feels guilty about surviving the accident, the death, the break-up, etc. People who lost their families in the Holocaust but survived it themselves suffer from horrible survivor's guilt - leaving the dead behind. I suffer survivor's guilt over the OD and death of one of my brothers - why do I get to live and he has to be six feet under ground to never see his thirties, fourties, fities, etc. My father as well I have survivor's guilt over. I know rationally I have no reason to feel guilt but there it is - one does and one has to just keep talking about it. In the case of the narc and you leaving, I can only say that my recent N with whom I spent a wonderful summer in my teen years is now in major trouble in his life legally and I am not, and because I understand a lot about his life and what his issues are, there is a certain amount of guilt I have over having success and him being in the big mess he is in. I think it's normal...but it's so important to remember that we are not responsible for them or their actions. They make their beds and they have to lie in it.

The guilt and regret is normal. I too have struggled with similar feelings. My N blamed me for every single argument we had. He would put me down, judge me, and tell me to "fix it." This he would usually scream at me and then hang up the phone and give me the silent treatment. This along with my feelings that I can fix a situation or that I could help him heal by my love adds to the guilt. It is easy to look back and wish you had said or done things differently, especially with the knowledge we have gained from this forum and elsewhere. This is definitely normal. But even though I knew about NPD at the time, I still did not put two and two together. I thought we loved each other, and though we were having problems, somehow I COULD fix it. I said some things in order to defend and protect myself. We have ALL been there with these narcs. When being nice and tolerant did not get me anywhere, and his abuse escalated during the devaluation and discard stage, I said things I am not proud of. BUT we have a conscience, so we can feel remorse, they don't. I know this is NOT who I am. I am very caring and compassionate. I did the best I could for what I had inside me at the time (whatever self-esteem and strength I could muster) to deal with my N and to also eventually leave. It is so hard to walk away from the person you love or think you love, as we saw the side they wanted us to see until their mask slips. So try not to be so hard on yourself. After we go NC and the fog lifts and we hear their voice (judgments and blame) less and less, it gets easier. There will come a day when we don't hear it anymore, but this only comes by NC. It does no good to try to argue with them or get them to see the light or get closure (something I have struggled with). We will lose everytime. Good for you for leaving, praise your strength, and the courage you had to protect yourself. God bless and (((hugs))) -Caligirl

Hi, Sorry you're feeling like this - I think some of these feelings seem to come out when you don't have contact any more. Scoop is right - there is the sense of you abandoning THEM when their own behaviour is the reason, not you. Look at how he treated you (easy to say, I know) - but you did not do anything unprovoked, it is not your fault that it never worked out, you put up with a lot from this jerk. Please don't feel guilty on his behalf. Is it normal? I guess so. I feel guilty because he told me the last time we spoke that things would have worked out had it not been for my behaviour and that I had brought it all on myself. Hugs x

Part of the narc little package of controle is to play on our guilt .. They use our emotions against us as they studie us to know just what buttons to press .. If you think back to youre time together after a while you can see how he trained you to feel guilt . It starts when at the begining they do the pity play of how hard done by they where , what a terrible childhood they had and they play on our natural maternal insincts , its "a little boy lost" act with suger on top .. most of the storys are huge exaggerations of the truth or just darn right lies . When you do leave the narc it can almost feel like you are abandoning a child in need , except its not a child it is a manipulative psychopath ... big diffrence ..The guilt gose in time and in its place comes the anger , stick with NC .. Scoop x