Why do i feel guilty for egnoring his calls?

23 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 25 - 6PM

Brooke1

Why do i feel guilty for egnoring his calls?

He called twice today,and left a messege that he wants to get together soon. I've been doing the NC thing for a couple months now, other than a set-back when i got together and talked with him 2 wks ago.
I was with my bf for a yr and a half of him doing whatever he feels like,and letting the relationship go down the drain,despite all my openess with him about his lack of caring, and my attempts at trying to get him to GIVE to the relationship.I thought when i took time away from him,that it would shake him up but it didnt seem to faze him.nope. He said "Oh, well I'm sorry you lost your hope of things working out between us.I havent,but i still need to focus on getting better and work on myself.Anyway, about me....bla bla bla bla"
Im almost sure that if he really loved me, he wouldnt be okay with only seeing me and hearing from me once every 2 or 3 wks.No, he would be crying at my doorstep promising to change,and missing me,wouldnt he?
I can honestly say that Ive done my best and everything i knew to make this relationship work out,and Ive kept nothing from him. I told him repeatedly the things he does and doesnt do that are ruining the relationship,and he gives me lip-service but keeps it up.
Why do i feel mean and guilty for missing his calls?

#2 Jul 26 - 4PM

destiny (not verified)

he doesnt feel what we feel-

he doesnt feel what we feel- they dont get hurt that we ignore their calls- not in the same sense that we feel hurt. after awhile you will enjoy ignoring him and you will gather strength from doing so....

#3 Jul 26 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

Brooke1

"they dont feel hurt that we egnore their calls"

Thats good. I dont mind if he gets mad,but i didnt want to hurt his feelings so thats good news:) It would sure be interesting to get inside his head for a day....

#4 Jul 26 - 5PM (Reply to #22)

Done sourcing

We did get inside their

We did get inside their heads, lol, and that's why we're here on this site! Trying to find the way out. Look how much most of us spent or still spend trying to figure this crap out. I finally figured it all out in an epiphany. Narcs are dogs that bite. They looked like nice doggies at first,but then they couldn't hold it in anymore, and they started snipping and biting. That's what biting dogs do. I don't want a trained dog, I want a good dog or no dog at all. Why would I want to waste another minute of my life hanging around a dog that bites. I can't fix it, and I am sick of this dog by now anyway. Oh how I fumed when it didn't bite the next victim right away. Did that new love fix the dog, whats wrong with me that the dog bites me but not them. I must be unworthy of the dogs love. I clean up all the dogs messes and it still bites me. This dog treats me like crap, what should I do, oh please help me what should I do? My dogs games got old, and you can't teach an old dog new tricks. ...I wonder what the dogs doing right now? Does the dog miss me for me, or just miss biting me. lol ds-woof woof said the Narcness Monster

#5 Jul 26 - 2PM

strongblackcoffee

Block them

Then you don't know you missed them! It really helps me. Peace Coffee

#6 Jul 26 - 1PM

Gullable1

Change number

Guilt, oy... I got guilt, Narcs love guilt, it's like a body building protein for them? Get new number, ya don't miss what you can't see.

#7 Jul 26 - 11AM

Reddley

Guilty for missing his calls?

Guilty for missing his calls? Silly. You shouldn't be waiting by the phone for him. That's one thing I will never do! It makes you look needy because you're always waiting for him. I will never change that attitude because of the wisest awesomest women I know. My grandmother. I pulled that teary eyed waiting by the phone crap ONCE. My grandmother gave me royal shit for it too.She said "When I was younger it was perfectly normal for a single girl to date several men. We didn't get called names for it either. If one guy was late, there was someone else right there already waiting." One thing about my grandparents... they respected and loved the shit out of each other. She played the field and played hard to get and got a man that looked after her very well her entire life. He respected her straight off because she never once gave him any indication that she was needy. I think the competition my grandfather had made him want her more as well. NORMAL men are easy. Just my thoughts... :)

#8 Jul 26 - 1PM (Reply to #17)

Brooke1

Reddley

oh no! I promise those days of waiting by the phone are long-over. lol I've been egnoring his calls on purpose and was feeling bad about it...until i came here and got a good jolt of reality :)

#9 Jul 25 - 10PM

Brooke1

THANKYOU

Thankyou all of you for responding to me,and for helping me remember his true nature! This is important for me to keep in mind. Ive given my N way too much credit.I need to remember that he's a cold heart...and that he wont wake up tomarrow or the next day and suddenly be really sorry. Thankyou for giving me strength today when i didnt have it.

#10 Jul 26 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

deecbee

Stay strong! Keep posting

Stay strong! Keep posting here. We're all here to help each other. Think about all the times that you were hurting, reaching out and he ignored YOUR calls. I bet there are too many times to count, right? And do you think he felt the least bit guilty or sorry? Not a chance. Stay strong, you are doing the right thing. Starve the beast!

#11 Jul 26 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Brooke1

"Think about all the times that you were hurting,reaching out ..

"Think about all the times that you were hurting, reaching out and he ignored YOUR calls." You are soooooo right!! He did that countless times! He used to disappear for days on his cocain relapses and never answer my texts, knowing that i was worried sick.including Christmas.Then by the time he'd be coming down and want to talk to me, i always gave in and took his calls (no matter how mad i was)! Now i almost wish i could go back in time and be harsh with him!I cant believe i felt guilty yesterday! ug! Well those words you said right there are just exactly what im going to think of every time he DOES call from now on. He was grossly ruthless and indifferent when it came to my feelings for our whole so-called relationship.He can keep staying clean if he wants to...he's still just as mean. Thanks to all these posts to wake me up, i feel so done with guilt over him.It was never mine to carry in the first place,HE should feel guilty. Thankyou guys!

#12 Jul 26 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

twisted

Dee - this is so bang on. But

Dee - this is so bang on. But that's the tough part right? We treat him like we want to be treated but never are...

#13 Jul 25 - 7PM

twisted

I do too. It eats me up.

I do too. It eats me up. It's because of the slot machine mentality, you always think the next 'pull' will give you want and if you walk away you'll miss it. You just have to know. Great, now I'm mindfucked and I have a gambling problem. :/

#14 Jul 25 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

strongblackcoffee

Twisted

Your odds are better at the slots than with the narcs :-) Coffee

#15 Jul 25 - 6PM

Done sourcing

When real people make

When real people make mistakes they don't promise to change at our doorstep...they acknowledge the error and quietly change. Narc's come to the door promising anything (because they want to come in from the coldness of their emptiness). Or they go away, when they know we will wait and break, or when they have other supply. You are on a narc website, remember, they can't love the way we know love. I am a bit confused by your posting. Are you taking time away from him, or moving on without him? Either way we can all talk about it and help each other see and go with the truth, but it helps to identify first what is really happening. What do you want, and what are you willing to give up to get it? ds

#16 Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Brooke1

"when real ppl make mistakes they dont promise to change at our

"When real people make mistakes they dont promise to change at our doorstep" LOL! I dont know why this struck me funny but it did. I just never knew that, i guess thats why that phrase surprised me. Ive never had a normal partner.

#17 Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

Done sourcing

LOL, me either. I think maybe

LOL, me either. I think maybe my partners haven't either, uh oh. ds

#18 Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Brooke1

Done sourcing

Well,what im doing is getting used to a life without him. Its too overwhelming of a thought for me to say a permanent goodbye to him,so the best thing i can do for myself right now is to just stay away every day,but without picturing the future without him. I got weak a couple of wks ago and gave-in to seeing him. It was a lesson not to do that again because it really messed me up. I dont feel the need for an official goodbye in order to heal. (some ppl do) My friends are noticing that i look much happier and healthier these days. Im feeling stronger the more time that goes by. I can say that im mostly fine without him. I just need to not answer the phone when i see his # on it.And i might even take away the voicemail option for a while,cause the sound of his voice gets me upset.

#19 Jul 26 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Brooke1

Done sourcing

Funny you mention dogs....now Im remembering how my ex used to joke at certain times, usually if i was being more attentive to him than he wanted,or asking questions he didnt like-- He'd do a little sharp bark, and i always thought it was funny,but it became more insulting when i started to realize the anger behind it.I'de be laughing of course cause it was funny,and so he smiled but the look in his eyes couldve cut glass! yikes! :) Then eventually,he graduated to joke-biting! always just coming a couple inches from my nose,with his teeth loudly snapping shut.That "smile" he had when he did it was more like a snear. yelp!

#20 Jul 25 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

Done sourcing

Great Job! Friends validating

Great Job! Friends validating our appearance really helps. I've noticed how friends sometimes compliment me, and sometimes ask if I am tired. It alsways seems to tie into what stage of recovery I am in at the time. I had Ice Cream with mine a couple months ago, and the resulting carnage lasted weeks. It is hard to keep nc, but I am learning. ds-The Narcness Monster slumbers in the deep

#21 Jul 25 - 6PM

Hunter

Because you have a soul!

Because you have a soul! Your soul must survive so .... Delete,Delete,Delete Hunter

#22 Jul 25 - 6PM

deecbee

Because at the end of the

Because at the end of the day, they are truly pathetic, pitiful people and if you are highly sensitive to others' feelings, it's hard to outright ignore another person. We know how painful it is to be ignored, and it feels unnatural to do it to someone else. But what we have to remember is that these guys don't have "normal" feelings, and their being sad or "wanting" is not of a typical variety. It's manipulative and only to serve their purposes. You can't think of him like a normal human being, and you can't treat him like one, sadly. It completely goes against what feels right, because we're not monsters who like to shoot people down, but with a Narc, you really have to change your mentality.

#23 Jul 25 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

Nutzie17

Always remember "THEY ARE NOT NORMAL"!!

I told my narc asshole today, that I didn't love him anymore, his reply was," I don't believe you." Can you believe that bullshit! I really don't care any longer, I am really indifferent. But,still today, I started to feel a little sadness,very little. We can't feel sorry for them,they don't feel anything for us. But,we are normal and caring so we have a twinge of caring. Just don't let that get you sucked back in, stay away! I agree change your mentality and wake up to reality. It's okay not to get a damn about them. Just love yourself for being a good and loving person.

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