Why did I do this to myself??? Need a NARC 101 refresher crash course...

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#1 May 30 - 8AM
kevsmart
kevsmart's picture

Why did I do this to myself??? Need a NARC 101 refresher crash course...

So, I felt the need to come back to this site after some time away. I logged in this morning to find that the last time I had been here was March of last year!!!

For the most part, I've been doing VERY well. I cut contact with my ex about 4 years ago. I dated a great guy for about a year (who is as far from a NARC as you can get!) We had a great, healthy relationship that ended because we both decided we were better off as friends and remain good friends to this day (first time I've ever been friends with an ex.)

Looking back on that relationship; however, I realize that part of me is still attached to my ex, and worst of all ROMANTICIZING him!!! Which is why I suspect I couldn't get close to this other guy. He knows all about my ex and was completely supportive, which is great.

The reason I came back to this site, is I needed a reminder. After all these years, I still think (and often cry) over my ex, and as time goes on, I have forgotten all the terrible things he has done, and again, romanticized the good. I put him and that relationship on such a pedestal, that not even this great guy could measure up!

Anyway, as I said earlier, I have had ZERO contact with my ex for about 4 years, well...that was up until last week. And I was the one that broke my no-contact!

When I told my ex that I couldn't be his friend, he said that was ok, and if I ever felt ready to be friends he would always be there for me (which I know for him is just words...) I was sad that he never attempted to contact me, but I was also glad he didn't. I finally felt free from his "magic."

During the course of our No-Contact, he married the young guy he replaced me with (after telling me all the time that we were together that he didn't believe in marriage.) I know they have an "open" marriage, which to me, is not what I want, but still it hurt. Perhaps he really loves him. Perhaps he is just securing his supply. Regardless, they've been together about 7 years, married for 3 of those years (The fact I know that makes me feel totally pathetic.)

So, over the course of the last year, I had a good friend commit suicide, and my father has been diagnosed and treated for advance lung cancer. I went through the whole "Life is too short to hold on to grudges" phase and the "Tell everyone how you feel about them before it's too late" stage. These losses made me think of my ex. My ex's mother passed while we were together and I was his main support during that time (she had ovarian cancer.) I guess on some part, I was hoping he would be there for me in the way that I was for him, and I convinced myself that the past was in the past and being a spiritual forgiving person, coming from the perspective that only love is real and what matters, and I shouldn't be concerned with the form of the relationship, I thought it was time to reach out...and I did.

I sent an e-mail saying that it had been a long time, I missed the friendship we once had (or I thought we had,) told him about my dad, and wished him well, leaving the door open for a possible friendship. I had even convinced myself that maybe he isn't a NARC after all, maybe I was labeling him that to feel better about myself and the situation. Maybe he just fell out of love with me and didn't really mean to hurt me...maybe, maybe, maybe...

Of course he never replied. Part of me is sad that he didn't...part of me is heartbroken all over again and reliving the trauma that I went through 8 or so years ago (I won't go into the details, but it is all posted on my profile.)

Anyway, I came back here because I needed a refresher on NARC 101...I needed to be reminded of what he did to me, and what I went through, and why after all this time I still find myself struggling (not all the time, and nowhere near as much, but it is still there...)

Thank you for reading this. I am grateful that this site is here, not only so I can go back and read my story and see my progress, but it gently reminds us of things we have forgotten, things that can suck us back in, things that can distort our perception...and mostly it helps remind us that we are not alone.

Thank you!!!

May 31 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I honestly don't know if a refresher course is what you need....

Jun 3 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Blog it

Jun 2 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
kevsmart
kevsmart's picture

Thank you Goldie

Jun 2 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
pattylyn
pattylyn's picture

Damn good answer!

Jun 1 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Janie53
Janie53's picture

Goldie

Jun 1 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
toomuch
toomuch's picture

Wow - pretty much nailed that one !

May 31 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

One of the things that Goldie