Why did he chase her but hasn't chased me?

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#1 Jul 13 - 6AM

jules k

Why did he chase her but hasn't chased me?

It makes me feel sick that N husband chased his ex girlfriend after she dumped him. She cheated on him and said some pretty derogatory comments(so he said, and probably what he deserved) He still wanted her back. He said it wasn't all bad between them. He also said it took him 3 years to get over her.
He left me 5 months ago and hasn't bothered except once nearly 10 weeks ago, and then fu*ked off again after a few hours!

My counsellor thinks that he was just trying to get control back after she shut the door on him. Was he controlling with her? Maybe it's because she treated him badly at times..and i was maybe too nice. Urgh

What do you think? It's a real stuggle to me that he has made no effort and it wasn't 'all bad' between us either. Do you think after all this time he will try and contact me?(i've changed my mobile number)

It's making me ill thinking about it :-( x

#2 Jul 20 - 12AM

Journey

They always want a challenge,

They always want a challenge, they are never happy and if everything was perfect with you (especially if it was), he would still find a way to ruin it. THAT is what they do. The fact that you were 'too nice' is a good thing because you were acting on the assumption that he was a normal guy who would 'get it' and treat you nicely too. With a narc unfortunately that seems to backfire. I say 'seems' because if they don't stick around we really are better off, though it doesn't feel like it when they leave. I understand your struggle with him not trying to contact you. It feels like rejection and it hurts... but trust me, the further down the road you get, the more grateful you'll be that he doesn't come back. ((hugs))

Journey on...

#3 Jul 19 - 12PM

fooled no longer

Three litte words TO CONFUSE

Three little words: TO CONFUSE YOU>

#4 Jul 14 - 3AM

indenial

validation

These posts have really given me the validation I needed today. I mentioned on someone elses post today who said she wanted him to chase her that he would chase her if he thought shed gotten strong and moved on but it wouldn't be because he loved or genuinely missed her. I used to fall for it everytime. I thought why would he come baxk if he didn't love me or miss me ? How wrong was I. It was always to punish me more for being strong and not chasing him or contacting him. It was always to make sure I wasn't happy and enjoying myself. He enjoys the drama and misery I don't so I no longer want to go back and boy if I did would he punish me this time cos I've been a real "bitch" ie I've been strong real and honest and called him out on his bullshit. He's playing broken man at the moment and you are so right about if you are a challenge they want you more. Everytime I stopped being a challenge he didn't want me so he find an excuse to abuse me and dump me. Its taken quite a few cyccles and lots of reading for me to get it though and I still have those moments or even hours of CD. Though not days anymore. My rational brain is taking over and my heart cares less. His words to me last night " you are the only person ever who has brought me to my knees " hight five me :) and that is exactly the point. I'm the biggest challenge of his life and he can't let me go because of that reason and that reason only. Its not because he loves me or he sees how beautiful I am inside nd out its because he can't have me. He can't control me anymore. He persued me until he had me then he abused me then he wanted me back because he didn't have me and the cycle went on and on. He would go on and on if I let him until someone else is stupid enough to fall for him then he may let up on me until that one goes pair shaped or becomes less of a challenge. My friend who knows nothing about narcissism said if you go back he will just punish you worse for what you are doing to him now. She sees it and thankfully now so do I. He's played a foolish game and he's lost me and by the look of it he's lost his wife too though I've no doubt he will be back to bother her if he isn't already. He's a big bully and no one has ever tood up to him like I have so for me there is some closure and as long as I don't go back I know I've beaten him. Unless of course he kills me which he's threatened enough times. Thankyou ladies for your wonderful insight. You help me so much xx

#5 Jul 13 - 5PM

agnesmurphy17

Don't believe him!

I had the opportunity to meet & speak at great length with my N's first ex-wife (me=2). And the woman who replaced me the weekend I left. All three of us compared & contrasted what he said about wife # 1 & wife # 2. Some threads of truth, some outright fabrications & also attributing to me what occurred with with woman who preceded me (between me & wife #1). So, DO NOT credit anything said unless you have proof. These guys cannot consistently pursue any woman. And I wonder about the therapist's understanding of pathologicals if she credits anything he says. If she does not also accpet that virtually everything may be a lie. All these guys do is manipulate the victim. Almost every word and every gesture is calculated to obtain that which they want. Little or nothing is real.

#6 Jul 13 - 5PM

AnotherPath

You won't know

me but I joined this board a long time ago and dip in now and again. I left the narc over 3 and a half years ago. I discovered some of the LIES LIES LIES he fed me. I've learned a lot about what they do and why. Briefly, the exNarc got a conviction for what he did to me. I also then called two of his previous girlfriends who hate him and he was violent with them. We share 2 children and I've been taken to court 13 times. He's never done well and the last time in June we've been ordered to get a psychiatric report. I found a lot of stuff on his files with regards to a stay in psychiatric hospital, attempted suicide 5 times and other violent acts. He involved his pregnant new victim in the courts, she got nowhere as wouldn't even be allowed in the court room and her statement about me (who she's never met) was nothing short of pathetic and obviously written by him. She's so under his control and is in for a big lesson in life. My answer to your questions would be firstly, don't believe anything he says about his ex (I know this from personal experience) I doubt if she cheated at all or was horrible to him, remember the word PROJECTION. He wanted to get her under his control again, there's a big difference to wanting her back for a relationship. There was no relationship in the first place. He says it wasn't all bad between them!!!! no they sometime act nice in between the abuse to get you to feel confused, feel unworthy and further smash your self esteem so they can abuse you more, this is when the violence enters. By this point there are no good times at all. He says it took him 3 years to get over her, NO it didn't, it took no time at all. He just wanted to play games and try to destroy her more because she left him and he lost his control over her, something he will hate because he wants to be the one to destroy her for having her own life. We've all been at your stage, and some are still there, they're all healthy questions you ask and part of your healing process. You will heal more as time goes on and you start focusing on yourself and not him, this will happen once you accept what he is and don't take it personally. Difficult but it will come. Then, you will honestly be so bloody glad he hasn't contacted you, so glad you were never bound together in some sick way because you have children. And be proud of yourself that you got out while you could. You will never be able to get closure from him, unfortunately you have to do this all by yourself which is hard. You will never be able to get one over him by hoping he will get in touch so you can dis him, he will win on all these counts. The best way and only way is NC. Yeah, they hate this, I do this with exN even though we share children. I won't go on about the controlling outrageous ways he's tried to get me to respond to him by using the children. However, I don't do it to piss him off, I do it for my own sanity and the fact that I don't want him anywhere near me or the children. Remember these men are very sick and very dangerous, and the relationship gets far far worse as it goes on and women lose everything about themselves the more they stay. I'm so glad for you that you are out and have nothing to do with him. One day you will feel this too. This is not about his ex girlfriends or you, it's about his very sick mental state.

Ending the dance

#7 Jul 13 - 5PM (Reply to #18)

agnesmurphy17

Hi

I remember you. Sounds like you are doing very well. Except for the unending legal issues. Sounds like you have him down for what he is.

#8 Jul 14 - 2AM (Reply to #19)

AnotherPath

thanks agnesmurphy17

yes, the healing road is a long one but you do discover so much about yourself along the way especially once the constant black days are behind you. Actually, because I became obsessed with gaining knowledge about narcs and psychopaths I find I can read people and situations like I'm a clairvoyant. Having children with these men does mean a legal battle, which is horrendous, but I had to study the law quite a lot too and write my own statements as I represented myself 3 times out of the 13. So it was just the judge, him and me in the court. He actually sat there and proclaimed himself to be a victim. This powerful, intelligent superior man crumbled and fell apart when it counted. That surprised me at first, but really they are all full of bull shit. They crumble and look pathetic, I promise you this to all the women on the board. I used to get worried when I read that you never do well when dealing with a narc once you're separated, NOT true, they lie so much they can't hold anything together and they get caught out, they are emotional retards so they get angry and leave evidence everywhere of how they really feel, no conscience, no remorse, no accountability. In the end they are their own downfall

Ending the dance

#9 Jul 13 - 4PM

Susan32

She chased HIM!

This is something a friend of mine observed during the final D&D. *I* was the one pursuing the ex-Psych prof, with him moving his seminar from one classroom to another. She said it was ODD that a man would WANT to be pursued, instead of doing the pursuit. His girlfriend, however, was the one who chased HIM. She pulled up stakes here in California (she had an LDR with him);she changed her job AND where she lived to be with him. She moved in with him. She gave up a good job at LACMA (largest art museum on the West Coast-the Getty is part of it) to work at a smaller museum in New Mexico. Yet he still hoovered me AFTER she moved in with him&I had started ignoring him. Of course, there were rumors that she wasn't even interested in him, that they were each other's beards. She certainly failed to dispel the gay rumors that surrounded the ex-P.

#10 Jul 13 - 10AM

Goldie

I have notice what you describe with Narcs.

Mine told me straight out that he kept coming back because I NEVER chased him, not once and apparently some of the others did. I never called him if we had a fight, never went looking for him, never asked him back. This made him crazy and want me all the more because I was a challenge. I also held him accountable for his actions, once again a big turn on for a Narc. They cannot stand to be held accountable. They prefer to get away with all of their bad deeds and up until me he mostly did get away with them. He went to jail for 9 months for what he did to me and of course came back as soon as he got out of jail. Because while they hate being help accountable; they are also intriqued by it, it makes them feel like mommy is punishing them and for some sick reason they get off on that entire dynamic. Also and Lisa and I have discussed this one many times. Apparently some of them get "hooked" by bitches. A woman who takes control and refused to put up with their bullshit and does her own thing and does not grovel or cry or beg for them. Someone who basically tells them to piss off when they are "bad little boys." Those women apparently with some Narc's keep them coming back over and over again for more because, once again they are a challenge and a blow to their fragile ego's. They have something to prove with a women like that. More sick shit, probably more inresolved childhood mommy stuff. The worst way to "hold" on to a Narc is to cry, beg, fall apart, stalk them, investigate them, ect.. They view this as weakness and it also does not faze them because they honestly don't care how we feel because it is all about them. So basically their behaviors drive us to freak out and accuse them, spy on them, seek therapy, get angry, depressed, cry and all the rest of what we go through and to them it is all just pathetic drama, they don't care what they did to us and if we "act up" too much and trust me we should, they simply dump you for new supply. Of course until the new supply see's through their bullshit and then they come crying back to Mama cuz they know Mama is the one who "really" loves them and also the one who "puts up" with their bullshit and then the whole happy horseshit little game is played out again, once we take them back. They say what they have to say to get back into the door and as soon as we "start our shit" as they call it, they are out the door again and the cycle of abuse and trauma gets played out again. They don't LOVE the OW better, it's just that different women play out different dynamics with the Narc depending on how THAT women responds to their bullshit. This is also why NC is so great because it drives them nuts. They hate to be ignored. Almost makes them have a melt down inside and they will do anything to turn it around and then of course once they do they are back to their true selves again. Another thing to keep in mind is what he tells you about the OW is probably mostly all bullshit anyway. Their sense of truth and perceptions are off. He may use a lot of these stories about his X more to push your buttons and keep you in line for more than any other reason. They love to pit one against the other and keep you thinking that you are not good enough but the other one was. She may have simply told his to go fuck himself more often than you did and that was a high his little man ego. God bless, Goldie

#11 Jul 19 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

janine

Thank you goldie

for this enlightening comment. You answered a question I've been puzzling over for nearly 12 years. Why would a Narc hang onto me for all this time and want me to marry him, when I am actually the least likely partner for such a person? Except for tolerating his countless OW (because I was realistic enough to know what you cannot change and am living in my platonic marriage) I held him accountable for all he did. I didn't put up with any crap. If he acted moody I walked away. When he changed plans for no reason I shrugged and went on my own. When he sulked I was glad to have some extra time to myself. Now you are telling us that this is a turn on for a Narc. I'd thought about it, that he regarded it as a power struggle and challenge, as he mentioned how strong-willed I am. Only I was not playing games. I am like that, independent, self-sufficient. I have never made a man my priority. I regard relationships as additions to my life. No, I would not ever cry or beg. When you've grown up with Narcs you know better than to show any weakness. "It makes them feel like Mommy is punishing them." You are right. Every time I walked away and ignored him, when he got on my nerves, I became his Mum. A cold cruel person who would ridicule and punish him. So I was right in assuming he wouldn't ever have left. His therapist had told me that N was extremely dependent on me. Now I understand why and how it is connected to his childhood. You put the final piece of the puzzle into place. Thank you.

#12 Jul 19 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

Brooke1

Goldie

This was very helpful, thankyou.When i look back on things, its making sense.

#13 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

Ladydb123

Accountable

Yes Goldie, I would always hold my ex accountable and I never chased him or called him when he was acting like an asshole. Every time he would be nasty and rude I would ignore him and get on with what I needed to do. I quess I became a challenge to him. He even once told me that the only woman he ever answered to was his Mother (deceased). He didn't like the fact that I was independent and didn't need to be dependent on him. One of my last conversations with him was that "I don't share my man, I don't compete or fight for a man". When he would talk about his ow I never made a comment. In the end he would call, email and text me which I ignored. Not sure where he stands with the other ow now, but I really don't care. I told him that he will not bow me down and that's when he started his D&D treatment. I honestly hope he never comes my way again.

#14 Jul 13 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

jules k

Thanks Goldie, i wish i had

Thanks Goldie, i wish i had been more like you. A good friend of mine said she thinks he left becaause he got angry that he couldn't completely control me. It was me who said we should have a break which i regretted straight afterwards...it was then when he gave me the silent treatment and never came back for 5 weeks, that i became weak and stupid..over the top etc etc. I saw him for a couple weekends after, but it went even more pear shaped after that. When he did go(without even a word, he just didn't come home)I didn't beg, i sent him a text saying the way he was being was driving me away, which he ignored. I sent him a letter a couple weeks later, and he nicely ended our marriage with a text back! I still didn't beg him. I think that bothered him and he asked to meet up with me shortly after, which i wish i hadn't done now but hey. He realised then that he still had me so to speak, and disappeared again. I haven't chased him since, just changed my number and let him have his stuff back without any fuss and haven't spoken to him since. I just want the chance to turn him down if he ever asks to meet up again. If only!xx

#15 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

Goldie

you're welcome; but it doesn't matter which way you play it

They still fuck you in the end. Whether you are the whore, the madonna, the bitch, the yeller, the cryer, or any of it the result is still the same. Oh they may chase you more if you play into their insecurities, HOWEVER, when you get them back, it is STILL the same shit different day. Oh you may get gifts if you play them or they may toss you a bone, but, at the end of the day, Narcs still treat women like shit over the longhaul and they DON'T know how to love. So what is the difference? LOL, I hear you about the chance to turn him down again and I got many of those, but trust me, everytime he came back he STILL eventually treated me like shit again. You are better off letting sleeping dogs lie at this point. Please trust me on the one. God bless, Goldie

#16 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

jules k

Thanks again Goldie. I know

Thanks again Goldie. I know you are right. He said he loved her enough to marry her, but he wouldn't have been happy. So in the end he probably would have done the same to her as he did to me. I also know that further back in our relationship he would have chased me. He once said i was worth a thousand of her and she wasn't worthy of cleaning my shoes...and then every now and again he'd slip in something that made me insecure. When i met up with him last, i didn't know what he was..I do now! Your N must have put you through hell and back to put it mildly. I don't know your story, but i'm sorry. They truly are monsters. xx

#17 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

Goldie

You can see it

He tells you, that you are much better than her and then makes the comments to keep you insecure. It is all a game designed to set you right into cognative dissonance. He has you thinking that he loves you the most but maybe not, maybe he's lying and really loves her the most. It's all bullshit. And yes, my X put me through the wringer and kept coming back but does that make me anymore loved by him? No of course not, it just means that he is obssessed with me or maybe I am a better cash cow than the next one. I own a house and have many gifts to offer, so my take is that he only came back to use me for the spiffs, not cuz he loved me. So it is NOT a compliement when they come back, it just means that they think there is more to suck out of you. Pathetic little freaky man children is what they are. They all have mommy issues, and manly issues, and who needs it? NOt us. LET HIM GO!!!! God bless, Goldie

#18 Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

jules k

Yeah his ex was a

Yeah his ex was a millionaire, or at least her daddy was. Maybe that was it eh. God bless also Goldie xx

#19 Jul 13 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

Goldie

Keep in mind, I am talking about Narcs here; NOT Psychopath's

With them the rules would be completly different; you are liable to get cracked across the head if you tried any of this with them. Every Narc I ever knew always talks about: "The one that got away, the one they really loved." Blah blah blah. All designed to keep us on our toes and cause us to jump higher to top her because she was, "so great" NOT NOT NOT, just more of their bullshit. A Narc knows women and he knows that women get crazy when they thing their man was once or still is "in love" with another woman and it "keeps us in line." Even though they seldom ever love anyone. It's just more of the game. Why was she better? Why did he chase her? Yes some of it may be true, however, everything a Narc says is subject to the possibility that is is all lies. Keep that in mind when you are trying to sort this all out. The fact that their words hold very little weight. God bless, Goldie

#20 Jul 13 - 9AM

jules k

Thanks guys :-) I am so cross

Thanks guys :-) I am so cross with myself for being 'nice', although i did stand up to him alot of the time, even if he did make me cry for doing it. I don't think i'll ever be nice to a man again..well except those who deserve it. Bloody men! They do my nut in :-/ xx

#21 Jul 13 - 7AM

Deidre40

You know what I think a lot

You know what I think a lot of this is for us? I think because we are human...it's natural to want to see a return on our investment. lol Really, it is natural to want to feel like you earned something for your efforts. You were kind and loving to him. She was not. Yet, he chased her not you. Part of that could be...that men in general, not just narcs...like a challenge. She turned away from him--he wanted her validation. He sees you as a sure thing...and it's not as much of a challenge. Sadly, a narc thinks like this much of the time. The thrill of the chase...not so much the OBJECT within the chase. But I get where you are, totally. Often, the only proof that they loved us is if they chase us. I'm here to tell you though. I was chased. And it wasn't for pure motives. He wanted revenge. He wanted me to beg for his forgiveness. It didn't happen, and he would continue baiting me...hoovering. So...if a narc is chasing you AFTER a breakup? Beware...its a trick. In other words...you're not missing anything by not being chased! lol But all that said. It is what it is. Can't change it. You can work on how you view it though...for that's all that matters. Your desire to want to be chased by him is NORMAL AND HEALTHY. When we put effort into something, we want to see a return on investment. But, with a narc, there's often no dividends. lol But...knowing we loved purely without return. Is truly, what LOVE IS.

#22 Jul 13 - 6AM

Used

julesk

it is cos she dumped him...she becomes a challange....exn still tries to get me back...b/c in the ending months i treated him so badly...that people i knew who didnt even like him commented on it...and said i cant believe he is letting you treat him like that... I said he is only getting back WHAT HE DISHED OUT TO ME...i then d/d him 3 times then the fourth time[21mnths ago] and never went back....if he feels or felt a tiny micro second of the pain i had felt....THEN GOOD JOB....to be nice to this lot to them is a weakness in their eyes...so in the beginning my beign nice was termed as a weakness...towards the end ,i showed him was i was made of...unfortunatly it made me ill in the process....even his ow said she[me] has a power over you...yes i did...i wouldnt have sex with him and treated him like the trash he is... YOU probley don't want to hear this...you are better off without him...and yes maybe you are nice...they don't do nice only abuse and chaos....she is nothing but a challenge to him.NOTHING MORE AT ALL....

#23 Jul 13 - 6AM

Sparrow

The only reason he wanted her

The only reason he wanted her back was because she cheated on him, he needed to get her back in his control and knew that she wasn't because she was able to be with another. He tried despeartly because she was such a challenge and he needed to win, no one was going to do that to him....... Remember, he feels nothing for no one, so his actions towards her does not mean he feels more for her and less for you...........HE FEELS NOTHING FOR EITHER ONE OF YOU!

#24 Jul 13 - 6AM

Erali

Sounds like she beat him to

Sounds like she beat him to the punchline, which would not go over well.

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