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Why Can't I Get Excited About My New Life?

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#1 Nov 3 - 3PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Why Can't I Get Excited About My New Life?

I'm back in the same spot again - freaking out and panicking about me/my life/my future. I'm clearly not "getting" something so I keep having to go back around the mountain. It's so damn frustrating.

Last week at the contempt hearing the judge ordered stbxN to give the rest of my stuff back but didn't find him in contempt. StbxN stormed out and yelled at his attorney all the way down the courthouse hallway. What I heard in his voice, though, scared me. He sounded panicked.

On Friday I got the great news that were approved for a less expensive place that is nicer, bigger and in a better location. I really felt a sense of excitement and blessing in my life at that news.

The weekend however was really awful and I cried off and on for most of it as I feared stbxN taking his anger at losing in court out on our daughter.

On Monday I received a nasty email from him in which he stated, "I'm done dealing with you". This was in reference to further medical stuff for our daughter. I sent it to my attorney.

I woke up Wednesday morning having a horrible panic attack. I had been dreaming that stbxN admitted to killing two people and then pulled a hammer out from behind his back and chased me and hit me in the head with it. It really freaked me out and is still bothering me today.

I am well aware that contact=pain but I have a small child with him and lots of recent contact due to her surgery and our court dates. But I think there is more to my setback than just that (contact). It has been suggested to me that the hammer to the head in my dream means that I need to wake up to something or there is something I'm not acknowledging about him/me.

Today I just feel like crap. I can't concentrate, I ache all over and I feel like I'm having one long drawn-out panic attack. Thanks for listening - I just needed to get this out of my head and off my chest.

Nov 7 - 2PM
mmp526
mmp526's picture

Wow, this post validates me a

Wow, this post validates me a lot. I've been 5 months strict NC, and I feel just as you do. Really, I think the healing DOES take 18 months! Each and every day I think- wow, this IS going to take a while, isnt it? But like my daughter told me yesterday, each day is another day towards that 18 months...... we will get there!
Nov 6 - 8PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Crying Tonight

I'm just feeling like a total failure tonight. I've been working so hard on me, to get past the abuse, reclaim my life, challenge the beliefs/issues that landed me here in the first place and move on. I'm 7 months out and tonight feel worse than ever. I just spent a miserable weekend with all of my children. Having all of my children home would make you think it was a great weekend. I was irritable, short, angry, upset and pretty much spent the entire thing on the couch. I've had a horrible headache for 5 days that I cannot shake. My daughter tried to do some baking this afternoon and I just couldn't deal with the mess. I ended up yelling at her after she flooded the counter with water and buried the beaters in dough. Was this really worth making her feel awful? I don't know why I can't shake this funk. I'm so tired of being afraid, of not knowing how my children are, of feeling paralyzed by guilt/fear/shame/anxiety/worthlessness and not having any control over my life or that of my children. I'm trapped in an N nightmare that I don't know how to escape. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel like I'm living day to day and sometimes minute to minute and it's a pretty hopeless feeling. People keep saying that I should be thankful I escaped, that I can start my life anew, that I'm still young and have a lot left to look forward to. But I don't want this new life - I truly hate it. I wake up in fear most days, dreading what new N-catastrophe I will have to deal with and facing the inescapable fact that I can't pay my bills and the disordered one's too. Yes, I'm dealing with that too. I'm exhausted, scared, achy all over and just wishing that it would all go away. I've been abused my entire life and I have no idea how to "be" now that I'm not. That sounds ridiculous but apparently I've been so conditioned that I'd rather be hit than live free. My abusers did a very good job.
Nov 7 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Winter
Winter's picture

Oh GG...

I feel your pain. I am so sorry and I am so with you. You have right to feel the pain, do not beat yourslef up. You cannot force yourself to feel happy no matter whom you are surrounded with: your children or your friends. It happens to each and every of us. Now, you know it is a process, don't you? Those moments are unavoidable. You are in the intense pain, sweatheart and unfortunately there is no other way but going through it. Please re-read what Lisa wrote about. Only when we face our pain, when we surrender and feel it can we really free ourselves. Look, no intense feeling lasts long nor good, nor bad. Passion lasts for 2 years only (according to scientists). Then why would the bad emotions last forever? Of course they want. Accept yours and hold hope Love Winter
Nov 7 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thanks Winter

I am feeling better today but still not great. I logically know that these feelings don't last forever but my heart sure seems to forget. I just want to feel better, stop having to worry about my daughter and get on with life. This is the most painful experience I've ever had in my life.
Nov 3 - 8PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Survival mode

It sounds like right now you're in survival mode. Coming out of an NPD relationship usually means having PTSD. Your PTSD is NORMAL. It's hard to get excited about life when you're still afraid, devastated, and trying to just survive. It's a situation like that mother&her two young kids who were stranded in the Oregon wilderness, in a snow storm. When the food ran out, when the heat ran out, they went into survival mode... and miraculously made it. You're going through a traumatic experience;your feelings are normal and natural. The healing process takes time.
Nov 3 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

I hadn't thought of that

I hadn't considered this part of the PTSD. Thank you for pointing it out...I tend to just keep pushing myself until I get through it. Survival mode - that pretty much sums it up.
Nov 3 - 7PM
coffeeaddict66
coffeeaddict66's picture

GG - You are doing great!!

I know you don't feel like it today but you are. This is a crappy situation so you feel like crap. Normal...nothing wrong with you. You are doing great. You are taking care of your daughter and moving forward. Not one time in your post did you say how much you want him back, you know why? Because you are moving forward and healing ....great job. Yes it still feels like crap but you are thinking about your future...great job. Now go reward yourself, you deserve it. Take a nice bubble bath, or enjoy a nice cup of tea and relax. YOU have the power to do something nice for yourself. Take 5 and endulge. Hugs!! Coffee
Nov 3 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Coffeeaddict,

I did just as you suggested - I went and got a haircut. Ok, not quite what you said but I felt so much better afterwards and my hair turned out great. Thank you for reminding me that I'm normal and that this is normal. You are right...I don't want him back and he knows it loud and clear (in a low-contact kind of way). I just need to figure out what to do with me. Thanks for your support.
Nov 3 - 6PM
really
really's picture

I agree with what the others

I agree with what the others said. The thing I would like to add is that since the N, I have a much harder time dealing with change than I used to. It takes me longer to get used to things, longer to accept them, and longer to recover from a "shift" in my life. I was never like this before. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done, but you are going through a painful process on the middle of a large-scale change in your life. This is hard enough for people who haven't been through an N experience to do. With all you have been through, it's even worse.
Nov 3 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thanks, really

I agree - I am a completely different person now that I was pre-N. My reactions to people, places and things are totally different. I've noticed that if I let myself get too hungry that I start "melting down". I will try to remember this as I keep going down this path.
Nov 3 - 4PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Georgiagirl friend, go easy on yourself!

You have a lot of upheaval to deal with and it's not easy. You have kept it together very, very well and you should feel very good about that. I remember being where you're at and it was hellish. The not being able to concentrate, the aching, the exhaustion, etc. is not fun. Dealing with the aftermath of a severely disordered relationship is like being hit by a bus. It takes time to flex your joints, clear your head and start to feel good again. Add to the mix the medical issue with your sweet child and the stress of that plus it forcing more contact and even the strongest, most centered woman would be shaken to the core. Go easy, Georgia, it's okay to not feel so great about things right now. Just know that it will pass. It is temporary. I know this because it happened to me. As for your dream, Georgia, it breaks my heart that you were told it's because you aren't facing something about him/you. I see it as quite the opposite. I think you are seeing him for exactly what he is and it is good to be so in tune with the reality of it. StbXNh tried to destroy you. Did destroy your life to a certain extent. He is not a good person and if allowed, he will figuratively continue to hammer away at you. You are being strong! Your dream is your way of working out that concept. The first dream I had about disordered freak boy after the D & D woke me with a fright. I dreamed he was standing outside my living room window, dressed in camoflague gear and pointing a gun at me. This dream told me the truth of the matter. He would destroy me if I let him. I chose to use the dream as a portent to keep me strong in my NC. Georgia girl, I don't think there's any more to the way you're feeling than you've been through hell and back and you are clawing your way up and out. You are a very strong woman even though you don't feel it. Go easy on yourself and if at all possible, try to have as minimal contact (and all strictly business) as possible. Hugs to you, dear Georgia girl. It's okay where you're at. Please don't think you aren't doing well because you are. I see it more and more each week. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. IT'S A PROCESS FOR ME, TOO, GEORGIA GIRL...AND I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!

spinning

Nov 3 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thank you, Spinning

Your "voice" brings me so much comfort. I am an overachiever since birth and I keep expecting to just get through this, all neat and tidy. I really appreciate your support.
Nov 3 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Uh-oh

Another overachiever! :) Perfectionists like us practically re-victimize ourselves when trying to heal, sometimes. We attack the healing process full force like we do with EVERYTHING, and proceed to get REALLY frustrated when we can't hurry it the hell up because we just want to feel better NOW. 18 months to get over a Cluster B relationship? Pah - maybe for normal folks, but *I* can do it in 12! ;) Try to go easy on yourself. You've got a lot of change happening and the dust will take some time to settle. You can't will your heart to heal and more than you can will a broken arm to heal. Give it time...
Nov 3 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

LOL

You nailed this one right on...I wanna be the superstar who gets it done! I'm a doer and to me doing equates to healing. That hasn't worked and has sucessfully knocked me for a loop a couple of times during this process.