Why can't I accept who he is? New to forum...advice anyone?

Hello, I am new to TPF but I have been reading a lot of post on the site for about a year now. I finally decided to go ahead and join so I could be apart of it.

I have made lots of progress just by reading about Narcissist. It was a hard road but I mustered up the courage to file for divorce about a year ago. He hoovered and i went back into his trap for about a month during the divorce and just like a fly in a spiders web I was devoured.

Here I am again. Doubting myself. Not sure if I am making a mistake. I just keep hoping that maybe he'll change... I keep hoping that maybe I am wrong and maybe he does love me. Its hurts to know that all of these years I was with him and had 2 kids by him plus two miscarriages and he still doesn't love me. I mean nothing. It hurts thinking about what we could have had and that is something I've always wanted and that is a family.

For the past couple of months I decided to me on cool terms with him for the sake of the kids. As you see we have 2 children together so NC will be impossible. We were doing great for those 2 months. Out of nowhere he sent me a text apologizing for his wrongs saying he was a fool and that he was going to change his life for God. I didn't believe it but days later I began to wonder "what if he really meant it?" Silly of me, right.
I cannot help but think this way. It's torture because any time in the past I thought this way and gave him another chance he would do the same thing every time. So why is it still hard for me to see him as what he is? I cannot see him as a PD unless he is acting mean and cruel but when he has on his good face I see him as a good guy. I see him in a good light and I miss him and hope he'll see what he lost. Any advice on how to overcome this?