Why is betrayal so hard to get past

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#1 Feb 1 - 9AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Why is betrayal so hard to get past

Hi all,

I am doing tons better than in the past. Actually starting to enjoy my life (although I am working on my adrenal fatigue by really taking great care of my body/ nutrition).

However, there is this one obstacle .... the betrayal. At times I find my mind thinking, "wow, if only I knew he was devaluing me bc he had another girl" or "if only I knew he was blaming me for all of his badness when it was really HIM and his narc way of moving on to his new supply." For them there has to be hate in order for there to be 'love' (idealization) of the new source.

The betrayal and feeling like a fool is what is still left for me. I feel I could be fully happy again (nearly) if I could just get past the betrayal.

Anyone have ANY ideas of what I could do... processes I could enact. Why is the betrayal factor still there for me?

Jess

#2 Feb 1 - 7PM

cynthia (not verified)

Betrayal

I remember a few months ago I posted something asking what was the hardest part of your recovery to overcome? It was Betrayal. Being set up from the very beginning and not knowing it or even having a clue with the stars we had in our eyes for them. It was set up to fail from day one, they knew it but of course we thought this is it, I have found that special person. Barbara I would say emotional rape and betrayal are pretty much the same thing and I am not dismissing for one minute some element of physical rape too that was involved. No he didnt hide in a dark alley and pounce on me but through his false self and what he pretended to be I trusted him and shared myself with him , strange as it sounds it was consensual rape and we never had a clue. In their minds we were more than willing to have sex with them, we thought they loved us, and deeply cared for us, maybe we can call it pathological rape. I will always want to ask him, why did you do this to me? Why did you lie in order to get me to fall deeply in love with you, share myself with you then to only find out it was all a scam. I would like to tie him to a chair and MAKE him listen to me, gag his lying mouth so all he can do is hear what I have to say which would be the truth. The betrayal has left me a totally different person and even though I blame it on their disorder it STILL happened to me, I went through all those deep emotions of love for NOTHING and in the end it was all some big joke, game and act for them. I feel humiliated and how stupid I must look to him, but I really dont care how I look to him he must be real proud of himself for destroying peoples lives, what a contribution to society huh? what a man!!!!! Jessika I think we must always remember what true cowards they are and even though they dont care, THEY KNOW their victims see them for what they really are so its off to new fresh, vulnerable supply that will idolize them and give them the same thing we gave them, they too will be used, abused and betrayed, lied to, cheated on, blamed for absolutely NOTHING they blame US for what THEY do. We were all betrayed by a disordered person and I think we have to chalk it up that it was unfortunate our paths crossed with one, there were many before us and there will be many after us, I know that still doesnt erase the personal betrayal we lived through but it does help me to know what kind of person I was involved with and he was far from normal, he was very abnormal and very disturbed. Does it help to say that a highly disturbed person betrayed me? Its never easy recovering from being a victim of crime all victims of crime are violated and betrayed. THey are nothing but criminals and we must never forget that. THe recovery is long and hard and very very painful but be thankful you are out and moving on to better things to come for you.

#3 Feb 1 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Kelly

Cynthia

Well said. This thread really gets to the heart of my anger and pain as well. "No he didnt hide in a dark alley and pounce on me but through his false self and what he pretended to be I trusted him and shared myself with him , strange as it sounds it was consensual rape and we never had a clue." He knew he was setting me up from the beginning. I trusted him so much and I believed his lies. He was so good at projecting that picture I had in my head of my dream guy, but he was pathologically intent on just using me and discarding me. Letting me feel special to him just to squash me for his own amusement when he was done. I do feel raped and it wasn't the first time. This has happened again and again with different narcs and abusers. It just makes me not want to date. I see all men as predatory now and I really don't think I can trust again.

#4 Feb 5 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

girlfriday

emotional rape

It's total emotional rape. Today it occured to me that it's like one long date-rape, but instead of using roofies, they use charm and manipulation. I was mind-raped as well. It became apparent to me that my exN/S/P put remote spyware on my computer on day one and was keylogging me for 7 months. In other words, he could read my journal that I was writing on my computer...every single thought I ever had about him, there for his perusal and amusement. Makes it extra easy to manipulate, huh? I am trusting that my key-scrambler software is working as I write on this message board...

#5 Feb 1 - 6PM

Kelly

He will always betray

My Ex N promised me he had no lost loves. He told me he liked that I'm from (a certain city) and that I'm soooooo beautiful, especially my skin tone. When I asked him about his ex gf, he said "She was boring." He said they were together for five months, but he knew for a long time in the relationship that he couldn't see it going long term, but that he tried. When he called to break up with me, among the other horrible things he said, "And I never date Separdic women seriously. I only date Ashkanazi Jews seriously. AND I HATE (people who come from my city.) "And I KNEW my Ex Girlfriend, I don't KNOW you" Who is he with now? Well, I actually can't say this with absolute certainty, but I'm pretty sure it's his ex girlfriend who he told me he thought was boring, didn't love and couldn't see himself with in the long-term. I know that if I was her, I would be crushed to know what I know he said about her. Once an abuser, always an abuser and if he could betray her, I should have thought at the time, he could betray me too. I was too smitten with Mr. Prince Charming and too determined to be his special lady to face the reality of who he is. I needed the time to process the things he was telling me, but I didn't take that time. I just let myself get swept away in the intensity of the romancing and the sex. It was only after he left that I starting to fit the pieces together. So lucky, soooo damn lucky . . .

#6 Feb 1 - 12PM

rache

Jessika

Looks like you already KNOW why,as,you wrote it.REALIZE and see its THEIR way-he will betray anyone,anytime,anywhere as thats what they all are.YOU are young(reminds me-your pic here of a young carly simon)you have your whole life ahead of you-you will get past this and be much stronger.What bothers me most is i am 53 and wasted almost 3 years of my life on the sick bastard,but,i have a coffee date on Wednesday-its been 1 year since my divorce from narc,and,i am NOT letting him keep me on back burner waiting for something that will never come.

#7 Feb 1 - 11AM

nhtmf

Hi Jessika, Just in my

Hi Jessika, Just in my experience I realize that I've had this same problem for years. I could never understand why people were mean in any way shape or form. Why would they lie, cheat,etc. I'm 56 years old and still don't get it. But at least I now know why I don't get it. Because its not in me to do any of those things. Sounds simple but if you're not prone to living your life as vermin but a considerate loving person instead, these people's behavior is really a mystery. It always will be to me too. I think of the criminal who would rob your home. How could they do that? You feel violated and confused. Because YOU would never do something like that. It boggles the mind trying to understand people that are so different than us. Hard to grasp their way of thinking.

#8 Feb 1 - 10AM

itreallyisabouthim

Your self-talk

"Wow, if only I knew he was devaluing me bc he had another girl" or "If only I knew he was blaming me for all of his badness when it was really HIM and his narc way of moving on to his new supply." It sounds to me like you are processing. If you had written "Why was I not worthy of his love/why did he betray me?" then it would sound to me like you were stuck. But my reaction to what you wrote is that perhaps the meaning of the words just hasn't totally sunk in yet, so you are repeating these things to yourself until they do? Sort of like bummer affirmations? I am no expert but just wanted to give you my reaction. Good for you that you are taking such great care of your body as you heal from this.

#9 Feb 1 - 10AM

lesd

I feel your pain

Getting over betrayal is hard because there's always that element in the back of your mind that says, "What did I do to cause this?" or "Could I have done something to stop this?" Even though we have the ability to think logically and know that this was all about him, emotionally we still think we had something to do with it. When my N cheated on me, he blamed me and I blamed myself for years. This is before I learned about Narcissism. When you finally understand on an emotional level that you did nothing to cause the betrayal, and that you are wonderful and worthy of honesty and monogamy, then you will be able to let go and move on. You are also going through a grieving process, so let yourself go through that as well. You also have to convince yourself that he is not worthy of you or your pain. Kind of like looking at an old boyfriend and saying to yourself, "I can't believe I was ever interested in him, let alone date him." Sometimes betrayal bothers us because we still think there are some worthy qualities in him. There isn't, and if you need to visualize him as a predator, serial killer, the devil, whatever, in order to detach, then do it. And know this, he will always treat others the same way he treated you. Don't think that there is some magical woman out there that can miraculously change him. He may make you think that on the outside. But that's only to make you feel devalued and worthless. Behind closed doors he's making her feel like a doormat too. Hope this helps.

**************
I tell you how I feel, but you don't care. I say, "Tell me the truth," but you don't dare. You say love is a hell you cannot bear. And I say, "Give me mine back and then go there for all I care!" - Fiona Apple (Sleep to Dream)

#10 Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

Jessika (not verified)

Yes

Lesd- he will certainly recycle and repeat his pathological behavior. That's for sure. As far as blaming myself.. no I don't blame myself. I only wish I had more of a grasp of the monster I was dealing with at the time of the relationship, so I could've gone no contact. Then there is the component of that feeling of betrayal that he did such awful things to me, broke my heart and blamed me the whole time while HE was cheating. Such a sick being. I want that part to go away.... the feeling of such significant betrayal. Thanks to all of you for your words. I suppose I am processing it still.... you're right Itreallyisabouthim, at least I am not blaming myself. To blame onesel is to be in a stage of pain, almost like still being with him. So you're right- I'm processing I guess. Just ready to STOP processing already. Jeeeeez I GET it, ya know. He was bad... pure evil and deceit. I fell for it bc I don't operate that way... game over/ leason learned. My damn brain- Ugh!!! I have been trying to think of the good things that came out of this: 1) I became a braver woman; I dont' "people please" anymore 2) I actually listen when I meet someone new- really pay attention to the way they make me FEEL (intuition) and invest NOTHING in them if I get a bad vibe. 3) I am no longer intimidated when I have to meet with attorneys for medicolegal cases. I feel that if I could feel like I was dying when my narc left me then I can certainly withstand ANY narc in the business environment. 4)I manage my money better ( he was really good with money and I paid attention to the things he was doing). 5) I got an awesome new car that was NOT a status symbol kind of car that he would have found acceptable. 6) I have a feeling of power and confidence that I never had in my life... just amazing!!! 7) I got rid of 4 people in my life who I used to spend time with every week for years... they were narcs. I don't think I would have done that without this experience. 8) I trust myself soooooooooo much now. I used to sometimes take the opinion (in my personal life only) of others rather than my own. Now I stand my ground and absolutely know that I have had the life experiences and knowledge of myself to have such opinions and shouldn't be swayed.(these people were trying to tell me about my own feelings ... ridiculous). 9) I can see bullshit a mile away now. 10) I now get a physical reaction when I meet a narc... my entire body tenses- UNBELIEVABLE. I now know to trust that feeling. 11) I no longer feel that I NEED a strong/ powerful man to make me feel safe and secure. Those were the types I was attracted to OVERLY dominant, rich, powerful guys. I now see those are often narcissists. 12) I no longer feel I need someone to look up to. 13) I can see how my childhood issues made me vulnerable to narcs. I am fixing that. 14) I NOW feel that I am so special and that any man (who isn't crazy) will be lucky to have me. I'm not saying it in a arrogant way. 15) I used to HATE being alone when he left me. There are posts from me on this board about how I hated the loneliness and that I used to cry... Now, I am now NEVER lonely when I am alone. I LOVE it!! I have ME and it feels really good! 16) When appropriate I put narcs in their place VERY quickly. While I was at the bank working on my account the guy (who has seen me in there several times) decided he was going to say, "I'm going to marry you one day...mark my word!' "You gotta let me take you out some time." I had the meanest look on my face and told him that he was highly unprofessional and that if he doesn't want to lose his job he had better wipe that stupid smile off his face, apologize, and handle business. I know I probably went overboard and it was some of the aggression I feel for my narc... however I see them all as one being- I mean they all act the same anyway. Heck for all I know he may have been one of your narcs and so I zinged his little ego for you! Anyway- I have improved in so many ways since N left last May. So, through my painful experience with him I evolved so much as a person. I don't wish this experience on anyone (well... definately the narc)- but at least there was some good that came out of it for ME~ My emotional development. I still have to process this betrayal thing so that I can have this crap... his crap completely outta my system! I'm so tired of this! Jessika

#11 Feb 1 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

Kelly

Yes!

Thank you for writing this! Exactly the place I see myself being in! I feel like I'm heading on the road to a much stronger adult self. I hate that I had been abused, but I'm glad that I survived and I do feel like I have a new found ability spotting the BS in people. The true test will be if I can stand my ground next time around, but I'm not dating for at least a year. I've also eliminated certain other Narc's from my life! So cleansing! I know who my friends are and even with them, I've been too much of a doormat.

#12 Feb 1 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

lesd

You're on the right track

I am so glad that you are not blaming yourself. I just say that because that's what I did, and that's why I had a hard time getting over the betrayal. You are definitely ahead of the game in your healing process. Good for you! It sounds like you are still grieving the loss and that is totally normal. One day you will wake up and it will be gone. You will have reached acceptance and feel like a new woman. I will pray that it will come soon for you! ______________________________________________________________ I tell you how I feel, but you don't care. I say, "Tell me the truth," but you don't dare. You say love is a hell you cannot bear. And I say, "Give me mine back and then go there for all I care!" - Fiona Apple (Sleep to Dream)

#13 Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

Jessika

because it's Emotional Rape... it's Trauma and you probably still have some PTSD. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#14 Feb 1 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Jessika (not verified)

Thanks again everyone

Barbara... I think you're dead on~ still have some reactions to the trauma/emotional rape. I look back on the state that I was in a few months ago and just can't believe it. I remember one night I had to take 3 sleeping pills just to FALL asleep and was UP again within 3 hours- and I am usually very sensitive to meds and can only take 1/4 of a sleeping pill. Lately, I fall asleep at about 10 no problem.... so that is a small miracle all by itself. I am so grateful for that. I used to walk around- barely existing with this feeling of a hole in my heart and so heavy. I used to be able to feel my heart beat.. I would cry at the drop of a hat and everything out in the 'real world' triggered me ... to the point that if I went to a store I was almost guarenteed to be in tears when I went back to my car. I was in so much pain, i didn't know if I could bare it. Barbara, you were right when you said this process takes over a year at minimum. So I will be patient and just be grateful that I am at the anger regarding the betrayal stage rather than the "I still miss him and love him" stage that I was in when I first came onto this board. :0/ Thanks again everyone

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